Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

384.0. "DYS or DSS" by USOPS::CASEY () Tue Apr 16 1996 09:28

    
    Has anybody ever got DYS involved trying to get custody of their child?
    
    My stepdaughter is 13 and lives with her mother.  Her mother is an
    alcoholic.  My husband and the ex have been divorced about 10 years
    and he has pretty much looked the other way all these years in regards
    to her drinking.  Lawyers told him years ago, it would be too hard to
    prove, cost many thousand dollars and probably still wouldn't end up
    with custody.  I've told him for years to document, document.  When
    things get bad, he'll document for while and then he stops and doesn't
    keep up with it, or she puts on a good front for a while.  Some 
    afternoons she calls us, so drunk , you can't understand what she is
    saying.  She denies she has a problem.  Its always a misunderstanding
    or its somebody else's fault.  On this past Friday night, his daughter
    called him and said that she was walking to a friends house, that her
    mother wanted to drive her but her mother was drinking and she didn't
    want to get in the car with her.   At that point, he could hear the ex
    yelling in the background, slurring, etc.  He told his daughter to walk
    to her friends and call when she got there.  He told her she would stay
    at our house for the night, that she was not going home to that
    environment.    He told the ex this, she was screaming , no way, etc.
    He called the local police to tell them what the situation was and
    asked them to verify she was intoxicated.  They went there and said,
    yes she was intoxicated, not falling down drunk but they wouldn't
    let her drive a car.  Asked if he wanted a report filed, my hubby said
    yes.  The ex called us twice more that night, yelling about him calling
    the police on her.  And of course the next day when its all over, its
    all been a big misunderstanding the daughter misunderstood, she would
    NEVER drive her daughter in car if she's been drinking (a lie).   When
    the ex is drinking, she cries about how the daughter is all she has,
    and she's her whole life, etc, etc.  Woe is me.  My husband tries to
    tell her if its true, quit drinking.  But of course , she doesn't have
    a problem.  I think she's pretty manipulative and probably also says
    this kind of stuff to the daughter.  We have a 7 month old daughter 
    together, who my stepdaughter adores, and the baby adores her.  I 
    think she would like to live with us but is afraid to leave the mother.
    I think if my husband pushed it and made the decision for her, I think
    she would be happy about it and I think she would be much better off.
    Now the real question, I think he should get DYS or DSS involved, and
    get a case worker on the case.  I've never had dealings with them but
    don't know what else to do.  Would this be the best way to handle this.
    I know it would be hard for his daughter to go thru the investigation
    at first but I think that in the long run, she would probably be better
    off.   I should mention that this was the first time she had
    acknowledged her mothers drinking.  She doesn't say much, she's a good
    kid and she keeps everything inside, I think this might be part of
    living with an alcoholic in denial.  Any suggestions are appreciated.
        
    
    
    

	It is my understanding that once a child is old enough (and
13 is) that if the child is willing to say clearly to the judge
that she wants to live with you, the judge will so order it.   If both you
and your husband would like to have custody, ask the stepdaughter if
she would like to live with you.   If she does, and is willing to say
it to the judge, then get a lawyer and file for a change of custody.

	It might be useful to get a family counselor to talk with the child,
so she can be sure.   This will also help her if the mother tries to lay a
guilt trip on her.

	The judge will appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the child's
best interests.   If the child has already seen a counselor, and is clear
about her desires this will just be a formality.

	If the daughter wants to live with you, you don't need to focus
on the alcohol.   If the daughter doesn't want to live with you the
alcohol probably won't matter much.

	Best of luck to you.

    
    We have asked her, and usuallly her answer is "I don't know".  The last
    time my husband asked her, she answered "my mother would never let me".
    
    She always wants to be with us, is never anxious to get home, spends
    all the holidays with us.  This is why I think the ex has manipulated
    her and is making her feel that the ex will have nothing and be all
    alone if the daughter leaves.   It really isn't easy to talk to my
    stepdaughter, she doesn't open up very much.  I don't think she is
    strong enough to make the decision on her own.  Thanks.
    

    Involving local child agencies usually is fruitless. Its best to
    develope a case against the ex and out and out go for custody. I had
    one case where as a landlord, say two children, one 12 and the other 8,
    left alone for weekends and sometimes very long weekends as mom went
    off with her beau. I reported it to the locals, and they moved out.
    Nothing was done in reguards to correcting the problem. But, if things
    went to a worse seniero. As a landlord, I could have been might be held
    accountable, according to my attorney.
    
    There was a blaitent case where mom left an infant and two older
    children, the oldest being 6 or 7. Left alone whist mom went out and
    drank. Custody was reversed.