Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

338.0. "Non-custodial Parent document from Usenet" by STAR::DIPIRRO () Thu Feb 02 1995 15:30

From:	US2RMC::"[email protected]" 31-JAN-1995 08:01:01.66
To:	Not playing with a full DEC 30-Jan-1995 1809 <star::dipirro>
CC:	
Subj:	Re: FREE Document For Non-custodial Parents


                     In Our Hearts and In Our Minds
               Staying Close To Your Non-Custodial Child
                  Regardless of Geographical Distance

One doesn't have to be a divorce/custody professional nor even a student 
researching the divorce statistics of present times, to realize divorce is 
a very real issue, and possibility.  It effects every one of us. Statistics 
show chances are better than 65% that a first marriage will not 
make it.  Second marriages have an even greater possibility of failing.  
Therefore, it's easy to say that many of us have already lived through a 
divorce, and are battling with the custody dilemma.  Many of us, either by 
choice or by a forced decision handed down by the courts, do not have 
physical custody of our children - both men and women a like.

How do we, as non-custodial parents, try to maintain a normal 
relationship with our child, even though in some cases, our child lives 
3,000 miles away?  How do we maintain a closeness to our children, so close 
to their hearts, they never forget us, regardless of their age, and 
regardless if they live around the corner from us, or many miles away? 
The answer is simple--we can live many miles away from our loved ones, yet 
stay close to them emotionally, just by the little things we do to keep 
their memory of us alive and living in them.

The rest of this document contains a handful of suggestions, that have 
been tried and proven methods, to help maintain a close relationship 
between you and your children.  Although written expressly for the 
non-custodial parent and his/her children, we feel any parent will find 
these suggestions helpful in maintaining a close relationship with their 
children.  We encourage you to try them all.

                              **********

--Make a habit of calling your child once if not two times per week, 
always on the same day and at the same time.  This way, your child will 
begin to recognize the times that you do call, and will look forward to 
those times.  Be sure to pick a time that is both convenient for you, 
and your child, so the two of you are not rushed through the conversation.

--Find out what your child's interests are.  If your children know how to 
read, find books pertaining to their interests, and suggest they read 
the book you sent them, to you, over the phone.  If the book is too 
big, they can read a chapter at a time.  

--Poems are another way of capturing a child's interest.  Take the child 
shopping during one of his/her visits, and pick out a children's book of 
poetry together.  Read the book together while your child is with you, 
and pick out a favorite poem.  Your child can then read the poem to you, 
over the phone, but will remember the times the two of you read the 
poem together, while she was visiting.

--Take your child shopping, but do not shop for just anything.  Shop for 
something that will last.  If you are lucky enough to have a backyard, 
pick out a rose bush or some flowering plant with your child.  Allow 
your child to help you take care of the plant the entire time he or she 
is with you.  This includes planting and watering, as well as watching 
it grow.  When your child is no longer with you, snip one of the flowers 
off of the plant, and send it to your child.  The mere scent of the 
flower will instantly bring you to his mind.

--If you don't have a backyard, try cutting a potato in half, secure 
half of it with toothpicks, and stick the other half in a jar of water.  
It will eventually start growing into a plant.  Everytime your child 
looks at a potato, he'll think of you!

--Don't forget your child's school.  Request to be placed on the 
school's mailing list - send the appropriate SASE's if the school must 
have them.  Find out when special activities are taking place, and bake 
and send cupcakes or whatever is appropriate at that time.  Although 
disapointed you could not attend, your child will be thrilled that 
something from you, an effort on your part, was there that night, and 
your child will never forget it.

--Make sure you are the one who buys at least a portion of your child's 
school supplies, but not just any supplies.  Send "special" pencils - 
pencils with their names on them, pencils especially for them, sent 
especially from you.  Everytime they use that pencil, they will think of 
you, either subconsciously, or consciously.

--And pencils are not the only item that can display a child's name.  
Barretts for little girls - everytime they look in the mirror to brush 
their hair, every time they look at or touch the barrett, they will see 
you, not just the barrett.  This rule easily applies to shoes, socks, 
sweaters...anything that can be worn, but try to make it a "special" 
item. 

--Don't forget photographs and videos.  Photographs of yourself, the 
family pet, the plant you planted and grew together, should be sent to 
your child in 8X10 blowups and in living color.  Videos of times shared 
between you and your child make a good impact, as well as a photo album. 
Always get a second set of copies, and place the copies in a special 
photo album just for your child.  Pocket sized photo albums make the 
best gifts, as this allows your child to carry the albums with her, 
if she so chooses.
                               ******** 
SUPPORT GROUPS:
Mothers Without Custody              Father's Rights & Equality Exchange
PO Box 27418                         701 Welch Road #323
Houston, TX                          Palo Alto, CA 94304
77227-7418                           415-853-6877
1-800-457-MWOC                       0-700-FATHERS

DEDICATIONS: This electronic document is dedicated to the attornies, 
divorce/custody counselors and mediators, and to all others who lend 
emotional support during one of life's crises, but it is especially 
dedicated to my father, who once said - 

"See the butterfly hanging from that branch over there?  That's a Monarch 
butterfly, and after I die, I'm coming back as a Monarch butterfly.  So, 
if you should see one, be sure to say hello, because rest assured, it's 
just me, checking up on you".  Thanks for keeping your memory alive for 
me, Dad.

DISCLAIMER: Copyright belongs to Familyware.  You may reproduce this 
document and give it away to others, however, it is expressly forbidden 
to reproduce or sell this document for any amount of funds/money without
the express written permission of the author.  The electronic version of 
this document is hereby placed on the shareware market.  Should you find 
this document useful, we ask a donation of $5.00 US Funds.  Send to:
Familyware-PO Box 82747-Tampa, FL 33612-9998 (813)933-6625
 








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% Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 04:50:24 -0800 (PST)
% Subject: Re: FREE Document For Non-custodial Parents
% To: Not playing with a full DEC 30-Jan-1995 1809 <star::dipirro>
% In-Reply-To: <[email protected]>
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    Most t-shirt shops can make custom t-shirts.  One of my most successful
    gifts was for valentines.  Mom was on this anti-dad kick.  I had
    t-shirts made up that said "MY DADDY LOVES ME",  and sent them for
    valentines.
    
    fred();

    This is a very good document!    
    I've been a long distance dad for seven years and I have used
    most of the ideas suggested in the document.  When children are 
    younger they don't understand when dad/mom doesn't keep in contact.  
    They feel deserted. Can't emphasize how important it is to maintain 
    contact with your children. 
    From experience I can say that the schools won't contact dads unless  
    a request is sent by formal letter on a yearly basis.  Not sure if 
    long distance moms have the same problem. My sons have been in the
    same school for five years now and I neglected to send the formal
    letter this year requesting to be put on a mailing list. I missed
    out on the P/T conference last term because the school didn't contact
    me. I guess some consciousness raising has to be done in educational 
    circles about long distance parents.
                                               Bill