Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    'Guide your life with your brains and not with your loins' is a message
    my daddy told me when I was knee high to a grasshopper. Bottom like,
    its your life, your divorce, your bed to sleep in when the light is
    switched to the off possition. You gotta make that decision. Not us.
    
    The ex hasn't a clue of what she wants. She might walk out on
    you agian when or if you reconcile. Is that what you really want?
    Someone walking out on you at the drop of a hat, the change in the wind
    or the change of the stars? You need a stable life as much as anyone
    else. To move from Maine to what ever little hamlette your living in
    then to return to Maine sounds like she doesn't have all the oars in
    the water together. And for your children sounds like they are going
    through hell too. 
    
    Hope this flamed message doesn't hurt you. Hope its that kick in the
    shorts that you were looking for. Please feel free to return the
    kick.:)
    
    George 

    George...
    This'll hurt, but your girlfriend probably did you a favour.  
    
    You said you were divorced just 20 months ago... not very long.  And 18
    of those were with her.  
    
    Statistically, men who get involved with another woman soon after
    divorce make the WRONG choice.  If you were just now GETTING involved
    with her... after 20 months of sowing your oats, or living alone, or
    just getting to know yourself, it'd probably be a different matter...
    but, that's not the case.
    
    I agree with RAUH, that your ex is playing games.  But, you should
    learn to deal wtih that 'cuz it may go on forever.  She can't have you,
    so damned if anyone else will have you.  Even if the divorce was her
    doing.  (My ex seems bent on ruining my marriage, too)
    
    I'd say, leave it alone.  Try to straighten out YOUR life.  learn more
    about who you are, and learn to cope with the long-distance
    relationshiop you have with your kids.  Also learn to cope with your
    ex-wife... 
    
    Your girlfriend obviously felt threatened by the ex  (does that mean
    she lacks in confidence in herself?  Or did you do something to cause
    it?).  Learn how
    that happened, and takes steps to learn how to control it, or prevent
    it from happening again.
    
    Sometime, sooner or later, you will grow into a place in your life
    where whatever your ex does will be seen by you for what it is... and
    you will be confident in yourself, in your relationship at that time,
    and your confidence will instill a similar confidence in her.
    
    
    good luck... be patient with yourself, and with others.
    
    
    tony

    George,
    
    >girlfriend said was, "BIG DEAL!  I would still never have you all to
    >myself!"
    
    Problem is--she's right.  Unless your ex croaks, and until your kids
    are grown (and probably afer) there's going to ba an "ex" in your
    life.  Can't change the past.  Ten years after my divorce I'm still
    fighting battles with mey ex.  Your girlfriend is NOT one in a million.
    She is very immature, and unless she can deal with the fact that there
    is an ex, and unless she has enought conficence in herself and enough
    trust in you, she is doing you a favor by leaving now.  Otherwise
    you dealing with your SO's dealing with your ex is going to make your
    life a living hell.  It hurts now, but six months or a year from now
    you will be able to see that it is probably for the best.
    
    It takes two to have a tug-of-war or a relationsip.  If one lets go,
    there is nothing the other can do about it.
    
    fred();

    > My girlfriend is convinced she'll never be able to have me all to
    > herself unless my ex kicks off.
    
    > All my girlfriend said was, "BIG DEAL!  I would still never have 
    > you all to myself!"
    
    Even if your former wife does "kick off", you still have your children,
    and *no one* will ever have you "all to [her]self".  She may not be
    willing to acknowledge that you have a family and that you (self and
    kids) are a package deal.
    
    Leslie
    
    

George,

Your problem with your one in a million girl friend is not all that different
than the my problem with my one and a million girl friend and my son (see note
147).

Yes, it hurts to go separate ways once again, but as stated a couple of times
here already, maybe she did you a favor. I am finding that it seems to boil down
to one thing, when we get divorced, your future SO must accept you as a package
deal (kids, EX, cats, dogs, chickens....only kidding). If your SO cannot accept
you for who and what you are, your better without them. I am begining to see
this in the same light as some you meet trying to change your habits or
personality  which you have been happy with for the last XX number of years.

If your EX is harrasing you, I believe the family law act/legislation (or what
ever you have where you are) is on your side and can be stopped.

John

    Hi!
    
    Excuse my ignorance, but what is the Family Law Act/Legislation and
    in which state does this apply?
    
    Thanks!
    
    Lesa

    All of these noters are very wise, dude!  
    
    There is no way for a #2 to act as if there was no #1.  And the
    best way for a #2 to handle a relationship with a divorced mate
    is to accept that!  
    
    And there just may be some feelings you have still for your ex.
     You don't need to hate her.  Perhaps you two could wade the waters
    a bit.  You know, get your toes wet.  See if you could possibly
    get along.  Who knows.   Your best bet is to try and see, 'cause
    your kids would sure enough go for it.  Your ex sure sounds willing.
     And then you wouldn't have some girlfriend feeling like a #2 in
    the backround.
    
    If you've changed in these past 20 months, so maybe has your ex,
    and you both may be able to focus on some new paths.
    
    I guess this all sounds rather "idealistic", but I'm speaking from
    my own experience.  After 5 years of divorce and 2500 miles between
    us, my ex and I are now living together.  Our union now is absolutely
    nothing like our previous marriage was.  We're older, we've experienced
    some hardships alone and we have 2 wonderful kids together,(7&9).  We
    both know, now, what it's like the old way, the own way and the
    together in the peace way.    
    
    Of course, just after 20 mos. after our divorce wasn't enough for
    us to get together though.  It took us 5 years, unfortunately. 
    Please don't be in a hurry to remarry someone else!  In the back
    of my mind, I was afraid that I'd be unavailabe just when my ex
    may be able to contribute to a worthwhile relationsip.  So, those
    5 years were worth it in that respect.  And he not remarrying so
    quickly was good too.  
    
    I think this is beginning to sound confusing!  It may not work for
    everyone, but I hope you'll give it some time.

    Not to be a sour grape...
    
    My ex and I were first married in 1963 (yeah, I know... some of you
    weren't even born then!!!).  
    
    We got divorced, and after two years, re-married.
    
    Other than the fact that the second marriage to her resulted in some
    pretty wonderful children, who are turning into some pretty nice
    adults, re-marrying my ex was THE WORST MISTAKE I EVER COMMITTED!!!
    
    Sure, things were nice for awile.  We both saw to that.  But, before
    too many months passed by... boy, things got worse than ever..  
    
    So... the advice stands:  be patient with yourself.  Don't be rash. 
    Act slowly.  And, if you decide to try again with the ex (something
    tells me you won't) then be prepared for all that old s*!t to start all
    over again some time down the road.  DON'T DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF THE
    KIDS!
    
    As I said, I am inclined to think you're not considering this.  It
    seems from what you have said that it is you ex who is feeling a bit
    insecure now and "wants" you back (althoug I'd bet someone else's car
    that what she is *really* doing is ensuring that *no one* can have you!
    and she doesn't want to come back to you, either...it was/is a ploy to
    make your girlfriend even more insecure than she already was/is)
    
    Also, re: you girlfriend.  She sounds rather insecure and a lot
    immature.  You'd be well advised to steer clear of dependent, clinging,
    self-effacing women.  They may well boost your ego... needing you a
    whole lot and making you feel very important to them... but, they will
    never comfortably allow you to have ANY sort of relationship with your
    ex... and that is something you will ALWAYS have.  As soon as your
    first child was born, you guaranteed that you and your ex were to have
    a life-long relationship.  One kind or another.
    
    Tony

    IMHO getting back with the EX is a tricky, dangerous and usually
    unsuccessful venture.  This is for the same reason that EXs rarely have
    amicable relationships, if the two could have been friendly, there
    probably would never have been a divorce.
    
    YOU will never be 100% someone else's because:
    1) There must be some of you left for you
    2) When there are children you have a lifelong relationship with their 
       other parent, whether you like it or not.
    3) Your children will always have a part of you.
    
    My wife and I are currently separated because she cannot deal with the
    very presence of my children who have come to live with me recently
    after 8 years with their mother.  I shoulda seen the signs before I
    married her, they were there.  Consider yourself lucky that you are not
    already married to your recent SO, life could get worse.  There is
    nothing more painful (in my life at least) than the fact that I am
    causing my wife extreme distress and pain by doing "the right thing" by
    my children.
    
    Take care
    jimc

re: .8

The Family Reform Act is applicable to Ontario, Canada, what it is equivalent
too in the U.S. I am not sure. It governs the rights of each of each party in
separation and divorce type of situations.

I am sure in the various states there must be something equivalent used as a
base and starting point?

John