Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD LAWYER.  AFTER THAT LISTEN TO THE
    VERY GOOD LAWYER.  THEN WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF THE DIVORCE. 
    IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CHILD SUPPORT CAN BE NEGOTIATED
    ONLY TO THE POINT THAT THE LOCAL MASTER IS WILLING TO ACCEPT A
    NEGOTIATERD AGREEMENT THAT IS FAIR.  IF IT IS NOT FAIR YOU WILL BE
    STUCK WITH THE GUIDELINE WHICH ARE INFLEXIBLE.  BE SURE TO NEGOTIATE A
    TERMINAtion of support agreement so that it is not open ended. and go
    to a good therapist..you are going to need it..  Good luck and remember
    do not put any holds on the lawyer lt him do your battling.  You can
    always give givebacks but you can hardly ever get a cout to change its
    mind..  So go for the gusto the first time out.....
    
    

    
    I agree with .1, make sure a termination date/clause is included
    for child support and alimony, hopefully when the last kid reaches 18 
    then all involuntary aid stops. Massachusetts laws are vague and allow
    support to linger on with no set stop date. Also try to not have them 
    garnish your paycheck, Once the tap is on, it's near impossible to stop
    it. If your ex decides to not follow the aggreement later on at least
    you can withhold the check until they come around. 
    
    Dean

 Thanks for your suggestions I feel as though I have done my part
and now hope to convince the judge that I am prepared to keep my
sons interest first.
 As a side note a coworker told me of a joint custody plan that has 
worked in some cases. However my wife is not very reasonable at this 
time so I don't hold out much hope.

The way it works is this. The child remains in the marital home and
the parents alternate living with the child. In this way the parents not
the child assumes the burdens of constant relocation. After all the
children are not responsible for a break up in a marriage and it causes
both parents to own up to the fact that we are the problem and the child's
life should not be altered to suit the whim of one or both parents.

> The way it works is this. The child remains in the marital home and
> the parents alternate living with the child. In this way the parents not
> the child assumes the burdens of constant relocation. 
    
    An alternative that worked very well for my children was for both
    parents to live within the children's school district have the children
    alternate between the two homes.  It took some work and extensive
    logistic arrangements in the early years, but later on proved to be
    beneficial for all of us.  The children adapted beautifully, partly
    because they were in essentially the same neighborhood and school
    district, regardless of which home they were sharing at any given time.
    
    I realize this arrangement is not possible in most situations, but when
    it is, I consider it well worth pursuing. 
    
    One advantage over the arrangement you mention is that both parents can
    create a home and life of their own, yet provide stability for the
    children at the same time.
    
    Regards,
    Karen

    But don't they then wind up supporting 3 homes??  Or do each of the
    ex-spouses share the alternate home?  
    
    I can see where this arrangement would be more stable for the child.

 Well I did try this with my wife who seems very reluctant, She now
considers the apartment and all the furniture that I/we bought her turf.
 But I intend to keep trying, I think that if I can find a real nice condo
on the beach then she may consider it. Unfortunately at this point I'm not
sure I can even get joint physical custody from her.
 But I do feel its time to drop the pretense with her and agree It was our
fault and the child should only be put in positions to benefit from the divorce
and not be dragged down by. My only question is how, I guess if I keep 
looking for that answer at every event my wife and I have he will be able
to make positive use out of what is going on around him.....

M

    FLAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    RE: .3?  with holding child support for a violation of the agreement is
    wrong.  You don't like something the other parent is or is not doing,
    fine, take them to court.  IF you withhold the support check, the court
    will see you as the one violating the agreement and no amount of
    evidence for other problems will be considered.  Then you WILL have
    your wages garnished, you WILL be another one of those NCPs that make
    life harder for the rest of us, you WILL be wrong.
    
    FLAME OFF....
    
    Fwhew, gosh that topic makes me madder'n a wet hen.
    
    Go for the joint custody, it helps to establish your parental rights
    for later issues.  The three house number sounds pretty crazy to me,
    try two houses in the same school district, you will want to have a
    real place of your own and the kids can adjust to a place where you are
    happy.  REMEMBER, if you cannot get along with your spouse now, after
    the divorce it is highly unlikely that it will get ANY better.  In
    fact, if you go on to have a good life, it probably will get more
    difficult to have an amicable relationship.
    
    Whatever you do, get it set out in very specific terms.  Things like
    "additional visits may be arranged by agreement with 24 hours notice"
    can turn out to be "we already have other plans for that night (and any
    other you might wish to request bozo)" or could indeed mean what it
    appears to say.  Figure out what is the absolute minimum you must have
    and make sure that at least that is set down in clear, unambiguos terms
    (i.e.  The summer visit shall begin on the first Saturday in July and
    end on the first Saturday in August.  The airline tickets will be paid
    for by xxx and will be for a flight that departs between the hours of
    9:00 am and 5:00 pm or returns between those same hours.  (this is from
    my agreement and solved no end of problems)).
    
    good luck
    jimc

    FLAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    RE: .3?  with holding child support for a violation of the agreement is
    wrong.  You don't like something the other parent is or is not doing,
    fine, take them to court.  IF you withhold the support check, the court
    will see you as the one violating the agreement and no amount of
    evidence for other problems will be considered.  Then you WILL have
    your wages garnished, you WILL be another one of those NCPs that make
    life harder for the rest of us, you WILL be wrong.
    
    FLAME OFF....

 I don't believe I mentioned any thing about withholding child support and
I wouldn't even though my son will not benefit from the money!!
Now alimony is a different thing.
 Your other points were well taken, and so was I by my wife she refused to 
negotiate. They only wanted the bucks!!!

    Is your ex capable of working? Does she have a skill set that she is
    capable to make it in the work force? Besides collecting alimony? 
    How long has she been out of work? Are there other skill sets that she
    could learn that you would pay for to help her suport herself? As in
    getting a Assoc degree in sectaty sicences, elecronics, mechanics, etc?
    
    

    Sorry, that shoulda been .2 not .3 that mentioned holding onto the
    support as a retaliation for non-performance.
    [21~

    Mick,
    
    	Why don't you post a responce on how you did in court the other
    day. 
    
    
    George

My court duty is still on going and the the bills are
definitely mounting But we are locked in a custody battle and that 
is war. I have received tremendous help from some noter's and the
NH fathers united group. We meet every Tuesday in concord. My last
battle was on denial of visitation. We had a big fight and
although we both screwed up by arguing, she retaliated by 
stopping my visitation. My lawyer was not a great help at this point
saying we will have to negotiate this and that may take a while.
 I brought this up to some of the fathers group members and we had a long
discussion and I found I had a lot of ammunition. Just like you hear in notes
so often by George and others to document document. My problem was to know when 
your rights or your child's rights being violated. Some of the seemingly
smaller items became major issues in court. When I presented this information
to my lawyer he said this is the information I can use, I can't argue to
the court "its just not fair". You have to give them the evidence and tell
them what the impacts were. In court they threw out the motion to suspend
and it upset her mother so much she became unglued under oath!!!
And Would I love to print what she said she was going to do to me here
but suffice to say It clearly made my point about where the problem
was coming from. And she was a surprise witness called by my lawyer.

    Good Job!!!
    fred();