Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

	I am running, not walking to my lawyer.  I lit the fuse of a piece of 
dynamite, my X-wife.  After the HIGH tension of my last encounter I told her
I won't "bring all these changes I'm demanding down on her like a knife", she
has a few weeks to find another place to do her laundry, ect.  I picked up
my kids for the weekend on friday and let her do her laundry then.  I agreed to
do the boys stuff only for now.  When I did it the next day there was a bunch
of her stuff mixed in.  I separated her stuff and did not wash it.  On Sunday,
when I dropped the kids off with their clothes I explained her stuff was not 
washed by me, and left.  

	While resting, watching TV at home later that night My X-wife burst
thru the door, with my kids following.  She sat them down and proceeded to tare 
apart the house.  She flipped pictures off the wall, tore up some cards, tried
to wrip the turntable out of the cab, she said it was hers.  She then pulled my
quilt off my bed, saying it's hers because her mother made it.  I pulled it back
and reminded her of all the stuff I had before knowing her and she now has it.
She threw things and made a mess.  During this tantrum she is screaming at 
high volume at me.  She's calling me vindictive, and says she is moving back in.
I said "GET OUT".  "Get off of this property, the dcree puts a restraining order
on you not to interfere with my personal liberties".  I told her she gave up all
rights to live in this house when she moved to N.H.  All of this is going on
in front off my 2 little boys and x-stepson (15).  The little boys are crying.

	I decided to leave, I was going to blow up if I didn't.  I went to leave
and her car was behind me in the driveway.  I asked her to move it.  She said,
"NO".  I asked for the keys, she said, "NO".  I was so angry I screamed at her
and she backed up onto a bed while I went to grab the keys.  She fell down and
off the bed.  I reached over and grabbed her keys from her hand.  At the time
her 15 yr old ran in and thought I was beating her.  So he tries to push me
around, I pushed him aside and left.  I moved her car and left.

	I felt so bad for my kids seeing this and was so angry with their mother
that I couldn't stop shaking.  I was on the way to the police when I said, NO.
I can't expose them to more.  And all of these things happening with all of the
legal implications has me so confused I didn't know what the right thing to do
was.  She told me she would break in whenever she wants to.  So I set up a 
camera and recorder on the main entrance.  I will be talking with my lawyer
this morning.  

						George

    
    
    George,
    
    First, never never never let your kids see this kind of behavior.  I 
    know it may sound like an impossible challenge when you are dealing
    with an irrational person.  But it does have a lasting impact.  
    
    Second,  when you agreed to let her vacate the home and move to NH
    did you have any of this filed with the court?  If you have not have
    the  divorce decree modified to reflect this change, I do not think
    you have a chance at staying in your house.  It would seem to me that
    if the decree was not changed accordingly then what is still in the
    decree is what is to be lived up to.
    
    Now if you did have the decree modified then it is another story.
    Just because she has equity in the house does not mean that she has
    free access to the house.  If there is currently a restraining order
    baring her from entering the house and infringing on your right to
    be happy then you can let the authorities know she is in violation of
    the order.  Follow through with the appropriate folks on this issue
    and you will have half of your battle solved.  
    
    Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to change what has happened
    with your girlfriend.  She was right.  You did let your ex run your
    life and it was not going to change overnight.  If the relationship was
    meant to last she will be back in your life soon, if not then you
    learned a lesson the hard way.  This might sound cold, but you have 
    to look at it from her point of view.
    
    As for your children, do not let them become pawns in this picture.  
    You can only control this story from your end.  Whenever she pulls
    them into it ranting and raving have them removed from the situation.
    If that means taking them and getting in the car and leaving, then
    do it.  You might not want to for fear of what she will do to your
    house, but material possesions can be replaced -- a young child's psyche
    can't!!!
    
    
    I feel for you because I was in the position your girlfriend was in.
    I watched this happen and saw the damage it did to the child involved.
    She still to this day starts to scream and cry when she sees her Daddy
    involved in any physical confrontation which she feels is not good
    such as play wrestling or a serious tickle fight.  This is two plus
    years after this bull happened.  So it does leave lasting impressions
    on young minds not to mention the stress it puts you under.
    
    
    I hope your lawyer is able to help you straighten this out.  In the
    mean time, I would suggest getting back into your house.  Don't do
    your ex any favors it will just lead to more hassles.  Protect your
    kids from her ignorance and rage.  She will some day learn that what
    she is doing is hurting her children, but it is not helping them now.
    Don't play into her games.  Live up to your end of the bargain.
    
    Most of all, hang in there and let your kids now they are loved.
    
    Take care,
    Michele

    George,
    
    This CAN'T go on without someone getting really hurt.  RUN don't walk
    to the police station.  Get a restraining order.  She has no business
    in the house.
    
    DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE AND LET HER MOVE BACK IN.
    
    fred();

    .2 got in ahead of me.
    
    In this case I think posession is .9 of the law.  Regardless of whether
    the decree is modified, she agreed to this change voluntarily and 
    you've done more than your share to help her out.  IMHO the ONLY (.1)
    leg she has to stand on will be that the decree wasn't changed.  You're
    right in going to yor lawyer.  
    
    fred();

    
    re -1
    
    Using 911 introduces the children to the police.  This can be
    very very harmful if the kids hear sirens and see a police car
    flying up the street stopping at thier house.  I would avoid using
    this unless there was a severe threat of physical damage to a
    human being.  
    
    Of course this all depends on where you live and what the police
    are like in that area.  If you can call and get them to come out
    without the sirens on and the lights flashing, it may be a good
    thing to have them there. 
    
    This is most certainly a tough call.

    George,
    
    Listening to how your ex is reacting is like looking at what my ex
    tried to do to me.  Do not waste any time getting to the police station
    and getting a restraning order on your ex.  It is worse to have your
    kids exposed to her ranting and tearing apart the house over nad over
    than to have the cops end the fight by removing her and sending her
    home.  
    
    You are doing the right thing by seeing the lawyer.  Do what he tells
    you to do.  The first thing you have to do is to stabilize your life
    and your home so the kids can visit you in peace.  Don't let your ex
    back in the house, especially if she has the kids with her.
    
    One more thing...if you haven't done it yet, change the locks.

******************************************************************************

	Notes from my visit with my Lawyer on March 12, 1991

	Today I met with my lawyer to make the appropriate changes to the
Divorce Decree which reflect the changes since my Divorce.

	Petition for Modification:
		I moved into the house
		I have right of purchase (buying her out)
		Restriction of her on property
		Credit of $3000 out of her equity for her bills I paid.

	The Modification will be filed within the next 2 days.
	A sheriff will serve notice to my X-wife
	A court date will be set.

	If there is no resistance by my X-wife then this will all cost me
a flat $750.  If she does offer resistance then alott more time and money.
******************************************************************************

	Last night I came home from work very leery of what I might find.
I checked out the house completely and all was ok.  My X-wife did not come
by as she threatened.  I hung arround for a while and went out shopping.
When I got back there was a message on my answering machine from her saying,
"The War is Over.  You can have the house and everything in it. I won't bother
you anymore.  I am planning on moving from the area, though."

	This is part of the modis-oporandi for my X to back-off sheepishly
knowing that I always give in and feel bad for her.  This time I am not.
I still went to my lawyer and got the ball rolling.  Even though it's going
to cost me I am definitely going thru with these changes.

	I await a strong reaction from her once she is served.  I just
hope she sees that all I'm asking for is what already exists and it would be
a waste of her money and time to fight it.

	I do feel good about doing this for me.

					Thanks for all the Feedback
						George

>	This is part of the modis-oporandi for my X to back-off sheepishly
>knowing that I always give in and feel bad for her.  This time I am not.
>I still went to my lawyer and got the ball rolling.  Even though it's going
>to cost me I am definitely going thru with these changes.
>
>	I await a strong reaction from her once she is served.  I just
>hope she sees that all I'm asking for is what already exists and it would be
>a waste of her money and time to fight it.

   If she is anything like my ex, I would expect that she will be furious
   that you've called her bluff and that will cloud her judgment.  We're not
   talking logic here, just very irrational and uncontrolled reactions.

   What I see from her are reactions to whatever is going on around her, no
   sense of planning or structure.  Do not expect reasonable behavior. 
   Until she (and you) are completely certain that the tie of marriage is
   really broken, she will keep trying to draw you in and push all your hot
   buttons.  It's going to be up to you, now more than ever, to make it
   clear that you are not going to dance this dance with her any longer. 
   But if you have any emotional doubts, any holding back, any "nice guy"
   thoughts of helping her or feeling sorry for her, then she will seize on
   those and draw you in again.

   I speak from bitter experience.  I've danced this dance several times
   with my ex.  I was a "nice guy" but to my own (and my children's)
   detriment.


   							Terza

   Good Luck and kudos to you for taking a stand.

    
    
    George,
    
    Keep the tape!!!!!  Do not destroy the tape.  It may if needed help
    you in some manner.  She knew what she was saying, and she knew it
    was being recorded so I do not think I would be considered entrapment
    in legal eyes.  Of course it may not be helpful at all, but every
    little bit!!
    
    That is great that you are standing firm.  I'm sure it must be
    difficult and there are alot of folks here who know how you are
    feeling as they have been there themselves.
    
    Take care and good luck in court,
    Michele

    Re: "Entrapment"
    
    Bear in mind, court proceedings regarding divorce disagreements are
    civil matters and not criminal.  Things that may not be "admissable"
    during criminal trials are certainly at least viewed by a judge or
    family services officer in deciding the outcomes.
    
    McQ