| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 110.1 | from one who's been there too | CSC32::HADDOCK | All Irk and No Pay | Fri Dec 28 1990 11:39 | 8 |
| Jimc,
Give Jenni a hug for me.
She sounds like a good girl, and has a good father if not a not-so-good
mother.
best of luck to both of you,
fred();
|
| 110.2 | children | CSC32::W_LINVILLE | linville | Fri Dec 28 1990 18:19 | 10 |
| Jimc,
The bonds we share with our children must endure. We can find
ourselves through the roadmap of our blood. Forward or backward we are
one in blood. Do not lose site of the important people in our lives,
our children. They carry the past into the future.
Peace to you and Jen.
Wayne
|
| 110.3 | This one's for Jenni | WILLEE::SKOWRONEK | | Fri Jan 04 1991 06:53 | 33 |
|
Hi Jim & Jenni,
I just read Jenni's story & I had to reply. I am an ACOA (Adult Child
of an Alcoholic), and this story sounds very familiar to other stories
I have heard from other ACOA's and ACDF (Adult Children from
Dysfunctional families). This is definately a dysfunctional (if not
alcoholic) family type of story. I strongly suggest that your daughter
attend some sort of therapy so that she may work through the problems
that she has with her mother.
She needs to know that however her mother treated her it is not her
fault -- she is just a kid, and she has probably not been given a
chance to be a kid. Her mother may be an ACOA or ACDF and this is the
only way she knows how to raise a family, because that was how she was
raised herself. Your daughter needs to start her recovery now so that
she may enjoy the rest of her life without feeling abandoned, useless,
worthless, etc. Verbal/Mental/Emotional abuse is very destructive,
especially to a teenager.
You may also want to try some sort of therapy for yourself & your wife
so that you work through the problems that have or will erupt from your
daughter living with you. It is a big adjustment, not just for Jenni,
but for the rest of your family.
Most of all, what Jenni needs right now is you, her father. She is
probably very hurt from her mother & she needs to know that you will
always be there for her --- good & bad.
Good luck & please keep us posted,
Debby
|
| 110.4 | we're working on it | BENONI::JIMC | illegitimi non insectus | Fri Jan 04 1991 15:10 | 8 |
| Thanks Debby. We are seeking counseling. The therapist feels that
Jenni is doing OK for now and that she needs time to reach the point
where she has a need and desire to work on her feelings about her
mother (my wife said "Yeah, right! We have to go to therapy but she
gets a free ride"). Jenni is basically an easy going happy person and
I will continue to talk with her and watch her for signs that she needs
(or is ready for) help. The problem is not alcohol or drugs, just a
very dysfunctional family for several generations.
|
| 110.5 | Cold than deep space she is. | BENONI::JIMC | illegitimi non insectus | Fri Jan 11 1991 14:44 | 15 |
| It never ends, but ya gotta wish it would get a little better.
Tuesday (8th) was Jenni's birthday. No telephone call, no card,
nothing from her mother. I haven't told Jenni this, but her mother has
specifically asked that she not have any visitation rights. Now, I
know I'm her father and biased, but this is definitely not one of those
teenagers from hell.
Someday this woman will reap the seeds she has sown, but then, true to
form, she will blame it on someone else.
BTW, I have had to pay support for another month because she is
dragging her heels about getting a new agreement. The whole thing
really frosts me.
|
| 110.6 | Give Jenni my best | EXIT26::MACDONALD_K | | Mon Jan 14 1991 08:07 | 19 |
| Jim,
Please give Jenni my best... I read her story and it brought tears
to my eyes. And also tell her "Belated Happy Birthday" from me.
Mine was on the 9th so I have a special fondness for January babies!
Although her experience is a lot different from mine (my mother was
killed in an auto accident when I was 17, leaving me to live with and
take care of an alcoholic father), I know what it's like to experience
so much at such a young age. It's sad to have adult problems when
you're really still only a kid, but this experience can help her in the
long run if she can avoid the pitfall of becoming cynical. It's hurts
deeply now, but I guarantee that she will be a very loving and
compassionate adult. She must believe (as others have already said)
that none of this is her fault. She's at the mercy of the adults in
her life, but it sounds like she's got a great dad. There's a major
good thing in her favor. Please keep us posted on her progress.
- Kathryn
|
| 110.7 | the worst of times | CSC32::HADDOCK | All Irk and No Pay | Mon Jan 14 1991 08:15 | 16 |
| re .5
>Someday this woman will reap the seeds she has sown, but then, true to
>form, she will blame it on someone else.
Sometimes the *worst* thing that you can do to someone is *nothing*.
One thing that I still haven't been able to figure out is how parents
can take their anger for their ex out on their children. That's why
I consider myself as much a children's rights activist as much (or
more) than an NCP rights activist. My children still haven't received
*anything* from their mother in the way of christmas. Not even a
card. Last year, the two that were living with me didn't enen get
a card while the one's living with the ex got a new Nintindo.
fred();
|
| 110.8 | | RBTRN::EERENBERG | ProChoice b4 conception | Mon Jan 14 1991 08:59 | 11 |
| Jenni, it *does* get better. Give yourself a long time if you need it.
You and your dad will come through and you may have an appreciation for
life that others around you will never have. I was in a dysfunctional
relationship and am much happier having gone to counseling, therapy, etc.
It sounds like you and your dad are doing the right things!
Both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care,
John
|
| 110.9 | life goes on | BENONI::JIMC | illegitimi non insectus | Fri Apr 05 1991 11:33 | 73 |
| It has been a while since I updated the situation here. I have posted
in human relations though. Anyway, Jenni wrote me a letter the other
day and I thought I would share it here. It makes me sad but gives me
some hope.
Daddy,
Since I have a hard time talking when I'm upset I thought I would
say it in words.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I decided that I am not happy
here. I mean I love you and what your doing for me and I'm happy to
be with you but I can't deal with some things. It seems like I cry
alot now. I miss Maryland, my friends even my old lifestyle. I'm used
to the beatings and fights. I don't know how to handle things your
way. Everything has chnaged drasticly. Adrian talked about sending me
to a boarding school, I don't want that but I've been thinking about
private school w/ both _boys_ and girls. I don't like Ipswich High
school it's to small and they treat us like little kids. Besides I
don't like the people they are to snobby like they rule the world and
the people in it. I mean I fit in and have a lot of friends but they
aren't the kind of people I really want as friends but I don't have a
choice.
How about a school to stay at during the week and come home on
weekends.
Sometimes I feel like Adrian doesn't want me here and sometimes I
don't want to be here with her. I feel as if you guys are crowding me.
I never had anyone trying to take care of me so much. Daddy I
practically grew up on my own w/ noone there for me. I don't want and
am not used to people caring for or about me. I know you're trying to
becareful not to lose me but I'm slowly drifting further. I need space
please. I'm not used to a family dinner, making my bed in the morning,
no beatings when something goes wrong.
It's not your fault or Adrians it's just the way I grew up. I've
raised myself since the third grade.
Daddy here's a little poem -> keep it in your heart.
None of this is what you did it's just the way I feel.
Sometimes being family
means more than just smiles
and good times.
It means caring for each other
and building bridges of trust...
It means not being afraid
to ask and answer
difficult questions..
It means accepting one another
for what we are...
It means pulling together
when things get rough,
Knowing that love will be there
no matter what.
Thanks for being there
for me.
I Love You
Jenni
I gotta tell you folks, it brings tears to my eyes and scares living
hell out of me all at the same time. This kid has a lot of potential
to be a really decent human being if I can just help her not to lose
herself. BTW, I am not asking for advice, I just thought I'd share it
with all of you.
Hugs
jim
|
| 110.10 | | FSTVAX::BEAN | Attila the Hun was a LIBERAL! | Fri Apr 05 1991 14:08 | 26 |
| Jim...
I just re-read the string... I'm saddened by Jenni's letter to you..
I am sure there is more to this story.. it's been a couple months
now... maybe a bit more that Jenni has lived with you.. not much time.
I am sure you all feel the pressure of change. (your basenote even
intimated a fear you had that you hoped your present marriage would
survive, and Jenni's letter indicates she feels a lot of prressure from
the changes in her life.)
You said you were seeking counselling... I hope you didn't stop. This
sounds like a time for really intensive soul-searching for you ALL.
If Jenni feels pressured by your care... perhaps you can try to
understand why. And perhaps she can try to learn to accept a role in
family life that is *different* from her experience in the past.
Things do change, after all. Even if she'd grown up with you the whole
time, her role now as a teenager/adult would be different than it was
only a short time ago...
Whatever happens, Jim... our thoughts are with you all... whatever the
outcome.
Pain never ends... it changes.
tony
|
| 110.11 | I've joined the ranks of the CPs | BENONI::JIMC | illegitimi non insectus | Mon Jun 17 1991 12:12 | 31 |
| Well, FWIW, I am soon to leave the ranks of NCP. As I mentioned
earlier, my youngest daughter (Jenni, 16) came to live with me at
Christmas time because her mother threw her out. I am going back to
Baltimore at the end of this month to pick up Melody and her
belongings. It seems that, since I no longer pay support for her, and
she is going away to college this fall, that her mother has decided to
move to a one bedroom apartment. The message is quite clear.
In addition, her mother messed up the financial aid paperwork which she
then capped with this statement (in response to a request for the
correct documentation): "Melody will be paying her own way through
school and working as much as she can. She will not be receiving
parental support during 1991-92 school year." .
Gee, you say, that's to bad. What could be done, you might ask. Well,
for starters, I just finished a suit for custody of Jenni and support
(we one both). But wait, it ain't over yet. In Baltimore, support
ends when the child reaches her majority (18). I Massachusetts, (small
evil chuckle) it can continue through college. Am I gonna sue on
Melody's behalf? Yer darn tootin' I am. I'll let you know how it
goes.
Beyond that, you can probably best catch updates (if you are
interested) in dloact::blended_families #71, which is what we are now
trying very hard to be with little success (but that's another note,
isn't it? 8-0 ).
I plan to check in, read mostly, when I can, Thanks for the support and
encouragement. Best wishes to y'all.
jimc
|
| 110.12 | good luck | CSC32::HADDOCK | All Irk and No Pay | Mon Jun 17 1991 13:39 | 4 |
| Jimc,
Strange about how what goes around comes around. Isn't it? 8^)
fred();
|
| 110.13 | | AIMHI::RAUH | Home of The Cruel Spa | Tue Jun 18 1991 08:34 | 6 |
| Jimc,
Aaayee laddie! When they say. "Shiver me timbers and blow me down"
they mean a new wind will be a blownen on the high seas of divorce.
Good luck! And remember when the rough get going the weak get screwed.
Get tough!:)
|
| 110.14 | end of year update, since someone asked ;-) | DANALI::JIMC | Knight of the Woeful Countenance | Fri Dec 06 1991 08:09 | 31 |
| Just a brief update, FWIW.
In June, Jenni and I were moved into an apartment.
In September I asked my wife for a divorce. The only way we could ever
live together again is without Jenni an d Mel in my life, frankly
folks, I just couldn't do that 8-( so I was left with very few choices.
The latest good one is that Jenni's mom is encouraging her to move in
with her (Jenni's) boyfriend (remember, Jen is 17 in Jan). Jenni
thinks this is because her mom wants her to be happy. I'm betting it
is because her mom wants the child support to end.
I haven't yet filed suit for support for Mel in college (an dmy
finances are going right down the tubes) because of the impending
divorce. The suit requires a detailed financial statement and mine is
so complex right now, I'm not sure I could make one that could be
understood.
On the bright side, Melody (in college) seems to be doing very well.
Jen is doing very poorly in school but her boyfriend is after her to do
better also. Jen won't go to counseling at all (and she knows how to
make me let her stop. She just misses a few appointments and I have to
pay full price)
As for me, I am thankful everyday for friends, lovers, note-buddies,
and other caring people in my life. It could always be a lot worse.
Practice random kindness and sensless acts of beauty
80)
jimc
|
| 110.15 | Final update, unless people continue to ask (which is OK by me too 80) | DANALI::JIMC | Knight of the Woeful Countenance | Fri Mar 13 1992 20:20 | 20 |
| Jenni turned 17 in January. Now that there is nothing I can do do her
legally, she has moved in with her boyfriend, gotten pregnant, had an
abortion, dropped out of the 11th grade and has a job cleaning a pizza
place before it opens.
My wife has been diagnosed with MS and now it looks like she is going to
try to really take me to the cleaners for the divorce. She tells people
I left her because she is sick (neither of us knew about the MS until
after I asked for the divorce).
One bright spot is that my eldest daughter is doing pretty well in college
and seems to be getting a life.
Oh, BTW, Jenni's mom still has to pay support (which I have still been using
for Jenni's welfare). In the great state of MA, this could go on until
she is 21 unless she becomes self supporting or graduates from high school.
The really funny thing is that her mom encouraged her to go live with
the boyfriend because she thought the support payment would end. 80)
jimc
|
| 110.16 | | CSC32::HADDOCK | I'm afraid I'm paranoid | Mon Mar 16 1992 06:00 | 4 |
|
Hang tough Jim. I don't mean to sound crass, but some kids just
have to learn the hard way.
fred();
|
| 110.17 | | AIMHI::RAUH | I survived the Cruel Spa | Mon Mar 16 1992 06:36 | 5 |
| Jim,
Sounds like you'll be suporting the ex for the rest of you life.
Sounds like, agian, there exist that oximoron in divorce and equality.
Two words that dont go together if your a man.
|