Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

95.0. "Can you help me with some Advice?" by OFFPLS::STARKEY (Doreen Starkey) Fri Oct 19 1990 11:22

First of all, I just wanted to take a minute to let you all know that it's
really nice to see NCP's who sincerely care about their children as well as
the rights of their children.

I have been following this notesfile for just a short time.  I am a CP and 
really want to know what an NCP is dealing with. (The other side of the 
fence.)

I have a dilemna and need some advise that may help me see things more 
clearly and hopefully show me "the other side of the fence".  I know what I 
am about to say is only my side and may seem very attacking to my X, but 
that's why I need your help.

I unfortunately am not in a situation where the NCP is interested in his 
child's welfare, more the effect if he could get out of paying his child 
support (which he's presently trying to have reduced - he has a family to 
support and a high mortgage - he & his new wife took out a home equity loan 
to buy out my portion of the home they live in this past year -- new wife 
quit work for the summer, they spent savings on a cruise in March, 
travelled to New York for some shows -- and same old, my job (heard that 
for 11 years) is not going well and I'm only working two or so days a 
week), he would probably forget he has a child from our marriage.  (He's 
remarried and has three stepsons, 12, 7, 6 living with him).  He and his 
new wife have threatened child services (they feel they can provide a 
better environment for my daughter, i.e. being married, having other 
children, living in an affluent community and not living in a duplex in the 
North End of Manchester -- these are quotes by the way) as well as 
threatening to go for physical custody of my 3 1/2 year old daughter. (He 
has exercised his visition on 7 occassions in 10 months -- lives six miles 
from my home -- is home during the week -- has never met her daycare 
provider so that he could pick his daughter up and spend extra time with 
her -- would not go to her ballet lessons to see her because he said she 
was too young and had things to do ("It was not convenient") -- has never 
taken her with them on vacation -- doesn't call her during the week or on 
weekends for that matter)  We are currently going to court to prevent my 
x-husband from showing my daughter letters from lawyers, etc. when she's 
old enough without a court order (the letters he's written to my lawyer 
have been nothing but mudslinging at me so I shouldn't worry so much about 
that) -- have him provide transportation when seeing our child (this is a 
loooooooooonnnnggg story) -- if I am not driving that way and basically 
leave me alone.  The only thing I can pull from all of this is that because 
I was the one who left, there is still alot of bitterness.  If that is the 
case, I feel sorry for his new wife (who we both happened to have gone to 
school with 13+years ago -- and he married one week after our divorce was 
final).  His new wife and I tried on many occassions to try to work things 
out so that everything was o.k., but it didn't work out. (I guess the 
X-wife, new wife syndrome).  Whenever I disagreed with them, they 
threatened me, etc.,etc.  I was told that I was jealous of her and their 
happy marriage, etc., etc.  When it comes to my child's welfare, I am not 
going to "to it their way" if I don't agree with it -- especially having 
her sleep in a room at her dad's house with the boys.  They do not have the 
room to provide a separate arrangment for my daughter.  (Three bedroom 
house, finished basement, living room, etc.)  I have to agree that bothers 
me no end -- his daughter is a visitor and not a part of the family (They 
belong to the town pool in the summer -- is our child a member?  No -- do 
they ever ask to take her?  No).  I realize I have no control over that and 
that it is their choice, but it bothers me that they threaten custody and 
don't even make an effort to be a part of her life.  Oh yes, they did want 
to be a part of my daughter's life when we were trying to work out a way to 
help them with their financial problem -- child support -- they had her 
going to thier schools, taking her to swimming lessons, daycare at their 
house, to the dentist and doctors appointments, a vacation as a family, etc 
-- which they haven't done once to date.  Only when I made an attempt at 
trying to help them financially would they offer

As you can see from this note, I'm pretty mixed up and confused and I'm 
trying my hardest to see why my X wants to put my daughter through this.  
He refuses to EVER see her again, because it HURTS too much.  It seems to 
me that he can't see beyond his own feelings --  and can't get over the 
bitterness towards me.  I've told them (he and his wife) on many occassions 
that I was glad they were happily married.  I truely mean that -- I just 
want them to realize that their bitterness toward me is affecting any 
future relationship they may have with the child.  I can see my bitterness 
in all of this as well, just by re-reading this.  If you have some advice 
for me to reflect on, I really would appreciate it.

I apologize for rambling, and if this is not appropriate to place here, 
please let me know where it would be appropriates.

    re .0 Doreen
    
    It *sounds* like your ex is a classic example o the 70's *me*
    generation.  However.  There are a few things that may help you.
    
    1) Most states these days use a *fomula* to determine child support
       that is based solely on income.  Nothing on expenses.  Your ex
       will likely have a difficult time getting his support amount
       changed.  In fact if you are not working (much) the chances are
       greater that if he goes to court for a change in payments, that
       the payments will be *inclreased* instead of decreased.
    
    2) Change of custody is *very* difficult.  The court will likely
       not award custody based on "it will be *better* for the child
       to live with me".  He will have to prove that it is *detrimental*
       to the child to continue living with you.  Especially if he is
       living as close as you say and is not including the daughter in
       visitation and *family* activities now.
    
    3) It it *very* difficult for him to separate his feelings for the
       child from the feelings about the divorce/ex-family in general.
       In spite of all of the press to the contrary, Men's emotions about 
       things tend to be *stronger* than women's.  They're just not 
       *allowed* to *show* it.  If your ex is still struggling with his
       emotions over the divorce, then the daughter and the support
       payments are just a reminder of all the turmoil he is feeling.  Many 
       men are *never* able to reconsile and separate these emotions.  The 
       only way they can deal with the situation is to extract themselves
       *totaly* from the situation.  I don't agree with it, but I 
       understand it.
    
       Don't make a martyr out of yourself.  Don't short change yourself
       or your daughter just to keep *the peace*.  You can't control his
       relationship with his daughter.  All you can really do about it is
       make sure that *you* are not adding to the conflict and keep the
       lines of communications open.
    
       fred();

    ditto re .1
    
    I really get my dander up over unsupportive NCPs.  All I can suggest to
    you is that you keep cool, calm and collected, do what you CAN do in
    the best interests of your child.  Don't worry to much, it is really
    hard to take a child away from a parent unless you can PROVE really
    terrible things and even then it takes a lot of time and money (and boy
    does that frost me.  but that is another whole topic).  
    
    As far as himever showing her letters to attorneys etc., the more bad
    things he says, the worse he will appear in your daughters eyes for two
    reasons: 1) she knows you and loves you, if you are a decent caring
    mother (and even if you aren't), she will defend you just as you would
    here when attacked. 2) when someone badmouths someone else, it
    eventually makes people wonder where that person is really coming from.
    
    Stand up for your rights!  Take what is due your child and use it in
    her best interest.  Ask for no more and forget about the petty BS
    from the childs other parent because that is a lot like trying to teach
    a pig to sing (it wastes your time and annoys the pig).
    
    Hang in there and as far as I am concerned CPs are as welcome as NCPs,
    for the balance as well as the real value of their input (besides, I
    would hate to have to leave these good folk just because I am becoming
    a CP after 8 years as NCP).
    
    My best
    jimc