| One of the greatest fears I had while contemplating divorcing my wife
was this statistic: that newly divorced wives' standard of living (and
of necessity, the children they hold in custody) typically declines by
a very large percentage, while the male's standard of living increases
substantially. As I recall, the statistics (73% decline, 42% increase)
are what I heard years ago.
It is a tragic by-product of people struggling to deal with this "last
recourse" to marital problems. I agonize with the friends and family
of the woman in the L.A. story, and with others whose experience
follows a similar course (hopefully with better resolution than
murder/suicide).
When I finally resolved to go thru with the divorce, I tried my best to
ensure that it did not happen to my family. I had several children
still living at home, and it was hard.
I think I succeeded. In fact, MY standard of living declined, living
in a dumpy apartment alone, with a bare minimum of rented furniture,
virtually dependant upon my neighbor and friends for pots and pans and
the like. And I borrowed several thousand dollars against my SAVE
account to live on until the situation stabilized. This made it
possible for me to quite literally give my entire pay check to my
ex-wife, to support her and the kids.
When the divorce was final, I continued giving her several hundred
dollars per week (first 500 for a few weeks, then 400, then 350 then
300, each amount for several weeks) until she finally was able to
acquire sufficient income on her own to make the difference up.
Now, she brings home more weekly salary then I do...and I still pay
more child support than the decree specifies. I figure that since *I*
got a pay raise, I should raise my kids support by the same percent.
So, while it wasn't an easy experience for any of us...I think I can
say that at least MY family didn't contribute to the statistics
attributed in the article.
tony
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| I don't know a single custodial parent that would not identify with
this story - me included.
Those statistics are exactly what happened to me. I left the house
to move into an apartment in a two-family house on a busy street.
It was my choice to let him stay in the house because he could care
for it better than I could. I always hated mowing and lawn work
and we had 1 1/2 acres with about 40 tree in the front yard alone.
I was the custodial parent and could not let my daughter out to
play in safety. At times I longed to be in the house but I knew
he would not let it run down. Also, he was already seeing the woman
he eventually married and they were prepared to "buy me out" so
that after a year in the apartment, I bought a condo (no lawn
maintenance). Definitely a step down from the house but in a very
nice area with a good school system and near my friends (support
system).
There were times in that apartment that things seemed hopeless.
The article does not say if psychological support was available
to that woman but I am so grateful that it was to me and that I
had a network of friends to support me. I have certainly had a
better divorce that many of my friends and I know that. When they
are particularly despondent I call frequently, if only to listen.
Given the situations, it is amazing that so many of us hold it together
rather than give up.
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| I can beat that stat. When the divorce occurred I was still a student
in grad school (I put her through grad school first). Their standard
of living was pretty poor but mine was probably worse for a long time.
I can remember rationing the last of the peanut butter & bread so I
would not have to starve while I waited for my next scholarship check.
Eventually my lot improved but so did theirs. The only poverty that
my daughters nos experience is due to the parsimonious nature of their
mother (fer instance: The 17 year old works so has to buy all her own
clothes and pay for lunch at school or go without). With her mother
making +50K and a pretty generous support payment, that is unnecessary.
The girls tell me their mom has more NICE clothes than Immelda Marcos
while I know for a fact that the girls do not even have proper winter
wear.
So, like I said, I can beat that stat, but I know this in not always
true.
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