Conference quark::mennotes

Ombudsman Misunderstood Dads' Grievance

The Boston Globe

Letters to the Editor
May 18, 1996

    Ombudsman Mark Jurkowitz deftly evades the
legitimate grievances we have with the GLobe's
reporting on father' issues ("Good dads get
short shrift," op ed, May 13).  Jurkowitz frames
our case in the context of our wishing to see
more positive reporting on fathers to balance
the constant barrage of stories on abusive men
and "deadbeat dads."  He attempts to mollify us
by characterizing us as a samll group of "good
dads" tarnished by the actions of a "bad dad
majority."

    This is nonsense.  Whether the Globe pub-
lishes an occasional puff piece about fathers
is unimportant.  Our concern is for the blatant
disregard of our issues as being newsworthy and
the Globe's insistence on reporting on gender-
related issues from a victim-feminist perspective.
We accuse the Globe of engaging in deliberately
selective reporting to prevent the public from
finding out about the outrageous injustices being
perpetrated against us and the children of the
commonwealth.

    The Globe will invariably publish a story,
with photos, of a protest rally of four people
-- if the issue if politically correct.  However,
when 75 fathers and their supporters rallied on
the State House steps on Father's Day weekend
last year to protest the "throw-away dad" poli-
cies of our courts, the Globe was nowhere to be
found.  This despite our invitation well in ad-
vance.

    There is not enough space for all the examples
of the Globe's gender-biased news coverage toward
the issues that affect us: domestic violence,
child support and custody issues.

    No, we don't need friendly reporting on father-
hood, thank you.  We simply want you to report the
news free from the feminist bias.  The persecution
of fathers with false allegations of "abuse" is
the biggest unreported story of the year.  It is
affecting tens of thousands of innocent people.
We challenge you to fairly investigate and report
on this modern-day equivalent of the Massachusetts
witch hunt.

			         MARK CHARALAMBOUS
			Co-chariman, Coalition for
		    the Preservation of Fatherhood
			 		    Boston

    
    
    >For all its hyperbole, 
    
    Hyperbole in this situation is impossible.
    
    fred();

The Boston Globe, along with the Washington Post, The New York Times, The 
Concord Monitor, et al, are pretty much left-leaning shills for the PC 
crowd.  That the article in .0 was published surprises me not one whit.  
Does it anyone else, really?

    The reasons why I don't buy the Glob. If I want to read about what a
    bunch of rasputians we are, I go read the -wm- note. 
    
    There is a money making machine that the globe fosters. The divorce
    machine, and the DOR machine. There have been cases on both sides of
    the border where they have taken away children for some lame excuse.
    
    Like a mother putting a dead bird in a refridgerator. As so, when the
    father comes home, they could give the family pet bird a burial and
    explain life and death in a more gentle fashion. DCYS heard of this
    second had from the school teachers. And children were removed from the
    family house. Then there is the machine that now comes in. The federal
    moneys they get for finding the commie under the bed or in the lurks.
    
    If the goverment Really want to discuss family values, there should be
    a BIG study about the morals, and the integrity of these arms of the
    system.
    
    

    
    I think that the media should start putting in print about the
    spineless mothers instead of the dead beat dads. I know plenty of
    single moms who made it with out the deadbeat dad. Yes, a true
    deadbeat, didn't pay support, didn't care wether they saw their kid or
    not, basically was a drunken, useless dependent bum. They are the true
    deadbeats. They there are the women who, jump on the ban wagon with
    legit mothers that have taken this abuse and make the somewhat docile
    father into this creature from the black lagoon. I am in the middle of
    watching this happen to three guys right now. One is my fiance the
    other are two good friends. They have psycho "bitc**s' from hell for ex
    wives and all they want is to support their kids and maintain a stable
    and safe life for them .We are about to go to court for custody of his
    son..His ex thinks that all he can do isn't enough...she sits on her
    fat butt bitc**ng about how her life stinks (oh poor me) but does
    nothing about it....5 years later...she started thinking because she
    was the mother, she had the licence to do anthing to her son...sorry,
    that's not what the lawyer thinks..now since she's been served, she has
    made the son pay for her behavior again. First she overdosed him on
    medication that he didn't need ( I wouldn't administer it, she chewed
    me out and I had to smile through the whole thing...then the doctor
    told her that she shouldn'd be administerin this med to the child that
    doesn't need it...documented) then she decided for the umpteenth time
    that she would ruin the son's weekend by getting him to his dad late
    and making him leave his friends at a bbq 2 hours earlier. She's the
    kind of women I'd like to have the globe write about. Then maybe this
    crap about ALL men are deadbeats and "OH, remember it's his mother.."
    will stop...oh excuse me, because she's the mother that OBVIOUSLY makes
    the father love the child less...right?? wrong. He is so torn. 
    The pain must be unbearable. He knows the best thing is to put his son 
    in a smoke free, nutionally balance and attention providing atmosphere. 
    Not this place he isn't even allowed to call home that his lives in .. 
    this is the evil he lives with. 
    He, like so many dads I see, spends more quality time with his son than
    my dad did with me. My mom and dad have been married 55 years and I
    didn't get the love and attention that his son of 5 has gotten already
    from one person. He is a great dad. He's always there for him, even
    when he's sick. He sits and talks with him about things he has
    questions about. He never treats him like a child. He loves his son so
    much I see him crying inside because this battle is a necessary evil.
    
    Men, you have the same rights. Fight for them. Being a father shouldn't
    dicriminate because you didn't physically give birth. You all need to
    stand tall and fight for what is right. The child is most important,
    not the adults with no concept of reasoning. 
    
    

    
    Re .5

    Thanks, on of the encouraging things I find out is how many _women_
    (second wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends) get a first hand look
    at this situation and are some of the strongest supporters of the
    NCP fathers.  One of the discouraging things is how many men are _not_.

    Maybe the Globe could be encouraged to interview some of these women
    to get _their_ view of the situation.

    fred();

    The Glub has been bashing Dec for eons. I don't know why. Perhaps it
    was one of the relitives of the Glub staff who got cought smoking weed
    in the bathrooms and got the boot. I rather doubt that you can ever
    change the Glubs mind. The only hope might be if they stop drinking
    water from the harbor/Charles River. (Love that dirty water! Oh! Boston
    your my home!~)
     

	re .5

	Thanks for recognizing a "good dad". Heres a short version of
	what I've been thru.. 

		MEN KEEP FIGHTING...

	I have been fighting for 10 years. Thats right, 10 years. For
	my 3 kids, ages 17yrs and 11yrs twins. WHY??? Because when my
	kids were younger and I had 20% (every other weekend) I noticed
	that EVERYTIME I took them back to mom, they CRIED. Not your
	normal cry, but THAT CRY. 

	Well my EX was struggling, so I asked her if I could keep the kids,
	as I had moved into a 3 bdrm apartment and she was living with an 
	uncle in a 1 bdrm, if I could keep the kids until she "got on her 
	feet." She said "No, and that I'd never see them again." 

	In 1987 I got an agreement for 50% custody. They live with me a 
	year and then with her a year.. Well I had them my year, and when
	it came time for her year, she wrote and called me telling me that
	she did not want them for her year because "she was not ready to 
	handle the responsibility and also because she was not stable."
	Hell, she had a whole year to prepare. So I kept them her year and
	then had them again for my year. Near the end of the 3rd year of 
	having the kids, I go back to court for 100% custody..Guess what..
	I now have 20% custody. Oh yes I did have documentation for her
	reason for not wanting the kids. DID NOT HELP
	
	I mentioned how my kids acted/reacted to mediators (female) and
	they told me it was normal behavorial. I ask numerous times, every
	time I/we had a meditation session, for an evaluation of ALL of
	us. (because I did not/do not want my kids on the stand.. Moms a
	real DOOSY.)

	My kids have asked me to go back to court. Which took me 2 years
	to do because I honestly felt that I was the reason they were so
	unhappy.. WHY..?? Because I felt that as long as they knew that I
	was fighting , they would never learn to be happy with mom.

	So after about a year and half, the twins finally cornered me and
	said "Dad, when are you going back to court? What do you want us
	to do write another letter.? And the older kid (a girl) had always
	told me that as "long as she knows that I am still fighting for
	custody, she feels there is hope."

	I have moved to another state, with the PERMISSION of my kids, before
	I left CALIFORNIA I went back for full custody. Well I go back to 
	court next month. It took 9yrs and me moving out of the state to 
	get an evaluation. Yes the Judge actually said that "Because I was
	moving to another state, they would have to do things different, they
	would have to do an evaluation.. Hell, if I had known that I would 
	have moved 9yrs ago. 


	thanks in advance
	brett

	re: .8

	I blame the courts... Before you even set foot in court for
	custody, what are most told.?? To get all the ammo you can
	against your EX. Be it man or woman.. I was told the same
	thing, but I thought honesty would be best... Well we know
	that honesty isn't always the best policy... Even having
	documentation doesn't help..

	Case in point.

	1) She dropped them off at my job and left the state. I did
	   not know where she was until, I got a letter 2 weeks later
	   from her sister stating where she was..

	I showed the judge the letter(s) and he basically said that
	because I was there father, that I should not have had a problem
	with it.

	2) BEFORE she left, she applied for AFDC, got a few check$, and 
	   told them she did not know where I worked or lived.

	I showed the judge the same letter as above with my home address
	on the envelope and with a reference to her being sorry that she
	had to drop the kids off at my job.

	3) she left OUR kids in my garage, because I was not home at
	   6pm, althought she knew where I was (10mins away) A friend
	   who had a set of keys to my house just happen to stop by and
	   found all 3 in the garage crying. 11yr had a key but left it
	   at moms house and mom did not want to go get it (5mins away)
           (kids ages were 11yrs, 5yrs twins

	I called the police department to report this and was told 
	"there was nothing I could do in that the 11yr old is old
	enough to babysit." At which point I said that my 11yr is/was
	afraid to be home by herself babysitting. And again I was told
	"that an 11yr is old enough to babysit." I then asked if an 
	11yr old with the mentally of a 4yr old is old enought to babysit.
	I was then told that "that was/is different." I then asked the
	lady who I was talking to "Well, does my 11yr have the mentally
	of a 4yr old or does she have the mentally of an 11yr old.. I got
	no answer...


	So even though I had all this evidence I still was the Bad Guy.
	

	But I will continue to fight as long as my kids want me to

	

brett

	

    
    re brett

    Hang tough.  It took me 9 1/2 years and tree tries, but I finally got
    custody.  My younger son graduated h.s. this last Sunday.  Only the second
    (my daughter was first) to graduate that anyone could remember from
    my ex's side of the family.

    If the kids keep to their guns and tell the evaluator they want to 
    live with you, and if they are willing to tell the judge they want to 
    live with you, you may stand a good chance.

    And one of the big reasons that I too kept trying was that some day
    the kids would know that I cared enough to try.

    You may be beat, but you're not defeated until you quit.

    fred();

    
    Brett
    
    My heart goes out to you. I hope things work out for you.
    
    To all...why don't we try to get the Globe's attention? Or to put them
    in the spotlight for their unfair stand against men?
    
    There are other media outlets besides the Globe in New England. Perhaps
    if we first give the Globe an ultimatum, asking for equal time, then go
    to other media such as TV or the Herald, stating that the Globe refuses
    to give us equal attaention, we can begin to change things.
    
    I suggest we collect stories, tales, and testimonials from any and all
    that are willing to participate. Then we go to the Globe with these. I
    don't see how they would be able to ignore us if we go to them with
    both barrels loaded.
    
    I would be willing to coordinate this effort, since I live in the
    Greater Boston area (despite my node name). I'd also be looking for
    some help in doing this. Any takers?
    
    Reply here or send mail offline if interested.
    
    John
    

John, I was thinking the same thing.. Something to the tune of "we" all
prepare our stories, make mulitple copies and send them to various News
papers/TV stations/talk show host/state congressmen(women). Something
like:	To whom it may concern,

	I, Joe Smith, have been fighting for custody of my children
	blah,blah ,blah.



	sincerely,
	Joe Smith
	123 Main St.
	Anytown, USA

	cc: The Boobston Glub, Oprah Winfrey, Montel, NBC NEWS, ABC NEWS,
	    STATE CONGRESSPERSONS, etc....

And to also make sure that "we" copy/involve as many Fathers Rights 
Organizations that we can. 

I'd be more than willing to help and/or make a donation. Or if we get 
enough "volunteers" we can "assign" each person a different address or
two and ask them to also send in X number of address labels for his/her
assigned address. We can do the same with envelopes, stamps etc...

I think this would be great, in that "we" are from all over the country
and not just one particular state/city..

include me 

    Why not cancle all subscriptions with an attached letter that tells
    them what a bunch of sexist they are. And until the Globe starts giving
    some better light to the men Who do pay, see the kids, and etc we will
    no longer support their sexist paper and their sexist views. Hit them
    where it hurts the most. In their paychecks as the Globe seems to get
    their jollies off of the men slamming and making anything we do, either
    not enough, the wrong thing, or not enough money.
    
    

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) to have much effect politically these issues will
have to be fought in an organized manner.  That means forming organizations
yourself, or joining others.  There are groups to join, newsletters, people
with like problems or perspectives, lawyer referrals, etc.  In addition to
political effect, being a member of an organization provides moral support.

The list of MASSACHUSETTS organizations below is from The Father Times (Spring,
1996 edition -- referenced by the Globe's Ombudesman in .0).  I will update
this list as new information comes in and also provide it as a separate topic.


Abbreviations:  CPF (Coalition for Preservation of Fatherhood)
		DADDS (Dads against Divorce Discrimination)
		PACT (Parents and Children Together)

CPF -- Worcester:  Meets the second Tuesday of every month in Worcester. Call
		   Jan at 508-753-3570 for more info.

CPF -- Merrimac Valley:  Meets twice a month.  Call Alan at 508-374-2974 for
			 details.

CPF -- State:  Meets most Teusday nights at 7:30 at 14 Beacon Street in Boston.
	       Call 617-723-3237 to confirm.

CPF -- Essex:  Meets in Peabody monthly.  Call Kevin at 617-599-6546.

CPF -- East Middlesex:  Meets thee first and third Monday of every month in
		        Arlington.  Call Ken at 617-723-3237.

CPF -- Suffolk:  Meets the second Tuesday of the month at our Beacon Street
		 office.  Call Ken at 617-646-5325.

CPF -- South Shore:  Meets monthly in Braintree.  Call John at 617-843-9466.

CPF affiliate PACT:  Holds meetings every other week on Cape Cod.  Call Ted at
		     508-420-1701.

CPF affiliate DADDS:  Holds meetings on the first and third Thursday of each
		      month at 7:30 PM at St. Lukes Parish Center, 1 Ruggles
		      Street, Westborough.

CPF -- South Middlesex:  Holds meetings on the second Tuesday of every month
			 in their office at 908 Concord Street in Framingham.
			 Call 508-879-4585.

			

I'll move your separate note to note 6, the Resources/Referrals topic.

				Steve

    
    
    re .15
    
    Thanks very much for the list of organizations. It is the most complete
    list I've ever seen for Father's Right's.
    
    However, I still stand behind my original premise. I want to try to do
    things at the grassroots level. I don't know what the org's you listed
    have done, or try to have done.
    
    I go to probate court and see notices posted on bulletin boards that
    promote women's rights and their support groups.
    
    Never have I seen a letter or notice from one of the groups that you
    listed. They may have good intentions and good aims, but how do they
    get their message out to the average dad that is going through a
    divorce with no visible moral support?  As I say, many women's support
    groups are listed, but no mens groups.
    
    Maybe they need to advertise more heavily...they might get more members
    to join.
    
    I still want to try something on my own.
    
    George Rauh...let's give them one more chance before cancelling
    subscriptions, whaddya say?
    
    JOhn
    

    
    RE: last bunch!
    
    I'm with you all!  What can I do to help?
    
                                        Bill

    Johnnybegood,
    
    Re second chance: Why?:)
    
    

    
    	George
    
    	So that we can give the appearance of trying to resolve this
    without conflict.
    
    	John
    

    re .17
    
    
>    However, I still stand behind my original premise. I want to try to do
>    things at the grassroots level. I don't know what the org's you listed
>    have done, or try to have done.
    
Believe me, they are still very grassroots!

>    I go to probate court and see notices posted on bulletin boards that
>    promote women's rights and their support groups.
    
I was told when flyers are placed in the Framingham court, for instance, they
quickly "disappear" -- i.e. they are taken by representatives of other groups
(and since it is heresay I won't mention which ones).

>    Never have I seen a letter or notice from one of the groups that you
>    listed. They may have good intentions and good aims, but how do they
>    get their message out to the average dad that is going through a
>    divorce with no visible moral support?  As I say, many women's support
>    groups are listed, but no mens groups.
    
You have to get on the mailing list, usually by attending a meeting.

>    Maybe they need to advertise more heavily...they might get more members
>    to join.

I know they are aware of this but are short of funds.  I'm sure they would
greatly appreciate any donations.
    
>    I still want to try something on my own.
    
Good idea, also.

    
    re .21
    
>I was told when flyers are placed in the Framingham court, for instance, they
>quickly "disappear" -- i.e. they are taken by representatives of other groups
>(and since it is heresay I won't mention which ones).
    
    A few years back a few of us were trying to start a father's/children's
    rights group here.  We put up flyers all over town.  I went back around
    a couple days later, and they'd all been ripped down.
    
    What would be fun would be to go hang up a few of these someplace, then
    sit back with a camcorder and video them being ripped down.  Then
    take the video to the TV stations.
    
    fred();

    
    
    	Sounds like a plan Fred....

    
    re .23
    As I'm in Colorado, it's going to be a bit difficult for me to 
    participate in this one ;^}.
    fred();