Conference quark::mennotes

    
>    How long did you know your spouse before you got married? Are you still
>    married or not?

    First wife about 3 months.  Second wife almost 3 years.

>    For divorced people, would you have still married your spouse if you
>    had continued dating for a few more years instead of getting married?

    First wife I would not have married.  About six months into the
    marriage I discovered some things she had been pulling before we were
    married.  If I had known about those before the marriage, I would not
    have married her.  We may well have gotten divorced when I found out
    if she had not already been pregnant (another story), and for my
    commitment to marriage and my expected child.  I felt bad when the
    marriage ended, but thinking back, the marriage lasted about 9 years
    longer than it should have, and I find it pretty amazing that I was 
    able to hold it together as long as I did.

    Second wife still married.

    fred();

    In my first marriage, we were together for 2 1/2 years before we got
    married.  The marriage was definitely a mistake, but it wasn't a
    matter of not knowing him long enough.  I ignored quite a few things
    that should have warned me away from marrying him.  Once we were 
    married, he believed that I wouldn't walk away from a marriage, so
    the 'warning signs' became a lot more urgent as real problems.  Boy,
    was he surprised when I was willing to walk away after 18 months of
    marriage.  (We procrastinated about the divorce for a couple of years,
    but my moving thousands of miles away after 18 months of marriage
    definitely ended it.)

    In my current marriage, I knew my husband as a friend for years before
    we got involved, and then we were together 2 1/2 years before getting
    married.  Again, it wasn't a matter of how long we'd known each other.
    It was clear from the beginning that he was a wonderful person who
    would be a fantastic life partner with me.  We're still married.

>   How long did you know your spouse before you got married? 

2 years (18 months of which we lived together in our rented apartment)


>  Are you still married or not?

we're divorced since five years after seven years of marriage.


>  For divorced people, would you have still married your spouse if you
>  had continued dating for a few more years instead of getting married?

i can answer this both for myself and for my ex-wife (we recently dicussed
the subject): DEFINITELY NO! we should've listened to our parents and our
friends advice: DON'T MARRY! but we wanted to prove them wrong, didn't we.
at least we're friends now.




andreas.

re.0 whatabout yourself, are you still married?

    18 months. We fell head over heals for each other.:) It was fun, it was
    a good marriage. Then it was like she had a car accident, and was brain
    dead. I could not talk to her.. Or she wouldn't talk to me.. Such is
    life.
    
    If I had dated more? Hell no. I have dated for a bunch of years. I
    guess if your going from your loving parents home/arms, to the arms of
    your SO, you can certainly get into troubles. But, if your out on your
    own for a bit, you kinda understand the real world, and adult
    relationships. And your no longer looking for a parential figure in
    your SO thingie.
    
    

    
    I haven't married (yet.) I do plan to.
    
    I dated my first "significant" other for about 5 years (as opposed to
    the insignificant others that preceeded her.) SHe wanted to get married
    after about 2 years, but something kept me from agreeing. Looking back,
    we're both glad that we're not married. It would have been an ugly
    divorce (she can get really nasty.) The "something" that I couldn't
    put my finger on when we were dating was a lot easier to see from
    several years down the road. Every time I think about how close we were
    to getting married, I think "whew!"
    
    I've been dating my current SO for about 2 1/2 years - we knew each
    other for several months before we started dating. We're not getting
    married anytime soon, but neither of us have any doubt that we will and
    that we've found the person for the rest of our lives.
    

re .5


thanks for sharing that! 

if i'd had my time over i'd wait until i was sure and mature enough.
although i have no regrets about the past (i always think everyone 
must have the right to make his/her own mistakes!).

it sounds like you have taken just the right approach, congratulations 
and my heartfelt best wishes to you and your soon-to-be-wife. you're 
note makes a nice change in all this divorce talk misery here. please 
hang around for a while. 

there's hope for us second-timers too. fortunately there are so many 
women and men who got it wrong the first time that they know better
next time round.


take care,

andreas.

    first spouse, 2/12 years before marriage.  The marriage lasted 7 years,
    and the divorce was final feb 13th, just before Valentines day and
    almost 8 years afte we married.  In reality the marriage was dead 4
    years into it, but I am stubborn, it took getting hit in the face
    with the fact that, not only wasn't he faithful, (I came home one
    morning to him and the roomate doing the nasty on the diningroom floor)
    but I was the only one putting any engergy into a future.  
    
    Would I have married my ex if I had had more time?  How much time is
    enough?  If you don't know them in 2+ years it isn't going to make a
    difference .
    
    Current SO:  Knew him two years before he moved in.  He hasn't moved out
    in almost 11.  Life is wonderful with him, and he is the primary
    nurturer of our children, while I am the primary wage earner.  We both
    are snake-bit about marriage, so this works best for us, attempts to
    stigmatize long-term domestic partnerships with slurs to the contrary.
    
    meg
    
    meg

I met my wife's *family* in the summer of 1960, and actually spent quite
a bit of time with them, although I didn't meet my wife until that
December. She was always busy somewhere, and dating someone else. We
finally met in December of 1960, dated around February of 1961, were
engaged in May of 1962 and married in July of 1964.

Still married.

Art

My wife and I knew each other about 6 months before dating, then dated
about 6 months and got married.  Our 20th anniversary is in February.

I would not want to date longer.

Darryl

        {sorry, my network went dead before I finished}
    
    I think what matters a lot more is the character of the person than
    the time spent.  I know one couple who knew each other only one 
    week and were married over 60 years.

    My current wife and I would probably still be together even if
    we had only known each other two hours.

    It comes down to, as I've said before, thinking with your brains
    instead of your sex organs.

    I had a hard time deciding to get married again.  I really did sit
    down (many times) and take a logical look at the situation:

    1) Could I again be committed to a single woman?

    In our early relationship I didn't want to get involved with her, but
    she always seemed to be the warm fire to which I kept being drawn.
    And after being alone for so long, it seemed like every time, no
    matter where I was, bammo, there she was.

    2) What kind of step-mohter would she be to my kids if we did get
    married?

    She treated her dog better than my ex treated my kids.

    3) Did she value what I had to offer as a man?

    I was stone broke at the time we met, and and was near breakdown with
    worry because for the last 18 months I did not know the whereabouts
    or welfare of my kids, but she seemed to see _something_ in me that I 
    couldn't even see at the time.  Her father was an old cowboy, and her 
    idle in life is Roy Rogers (both on screen and off).

    4) Did I value what she had to offer as a person as well as a woman?

    That's what I kept trying to figure out.   The answer came out yes.
    Not only were were are compatible sexually, but our value systems
    are also pretty close.  She has been by biggest supporter through
    some crap (court, school, kids, etc) that she didn't have to endure
    and most women wouldn't have. 

    5) Since many of the major problems with my first marriage were over
    money, how was she with money?

    At the time we met, she had just been fired from her job.  The 
    economy was bad, and the whole time we knew each other she worked
    two, sometimes three, part time jobs to support herself.

    6) And this one I hate to admit, but was part of my consideration.
       Could I get myself back in a situation that I was not totally
       out of?

    Due to a medical situation, we have had to take steps to ensure that
    she will not have children.  She hadn't been able to  have children
    in her previous marriage in spite of a lot of doctors.

    Some advice:

    Look to see how she treats other people, her family, her dog if she has
    one.  That's the way she will treat you when the new wears off.

    fred();

    
    .6
    
    I went through a very mild form of a "divorce." When my "ex" (that's
    what I call her, for lack of a better word) and I separated, there was
    quite a bit of common property to be divided. According to Vermont
    common law, we were also married, though we both chose to ignore that.
    We split stuff up in the most logical way possible. We had a lot of
    furniture that we'd made together, and each piece went to the person
    who'd put the most effort into it. Determining the original owner of
    some stuff was hard to do, as 5 years tends to blur lines. There were
    some small aruguments, but overall it went smoothly.
    
    She put her foot down on some stuff (she got the chainsaw, although I
    have no idea why she wanted it) and I put my foot down on some. (I got
    the blanket we bought in Key west.)  I can only cringe at what would
    have happened if lawyers had become involved. Who knows - I might have
    done well. Her income averaged 3x mine over the 5 years.  :}
    

   
? How long did you know your spouse before you got married? 

about 4 and half years.  We met while in Junior high
(1973) and stayed together all through high school,
graduated in 76, got married in the fall of 77

? Are you still married or not?

Oh yes,  we had two kids who are now 14-1/2 and 16...
(the last 3 years have been a .. trip..  teens are
tuff for parents and kids...)

But hey, we're happy, and I'm still in love with my wife,
she's an angle, looking back, I'd not change a thing.

    
>    How long did you know your spouse before you got married? Are you still
>    married or not?
    
    I knew Emmy for about 2 1/2 years before we became sinners and about 2
    1/2 more before we got married.  We are still together, 10 years next
    month, after we shackedup together.
    
    
>    For divorced people, would you have still married your spouse if you
>    had continued dating for a few more years instead of getting married?
 
    I'm not divorced but I had relationships that broke up after starting
    the living together thing.  I would *never* consider getting married
    without living together first.
    
    Greg
        
    

    I lived with a woman 7 years before we broke it off. I probably could
    have married her if marriage meant anything to me but it doesn't. We
    decided from the beginning of our relationship that there was the
    possibility that we wouldn't always want the same things. It became
    obvious after 6.5 years that we didn't want the same kind of future and
    so we split. The break up was so smooth that we even split up the
    spices, not to mention the food in the fridge!! I still love her and
    give her my support when she needs it, and the same goes for her. Our
    friendship seems so strong now that it would take a very large incident
    to break us apart. Seven years is a nice round number, a very positive
    and fulfilling part of my life. I am looking forward to the next few
    years, I've had it good so far.

    Never married.
    
    Lived with my girlfriend during the last 18 months of college,
    she cheated, it ended badly.  I was hurt bad and didn't get involved
    again for a long time.
    
    Met Stacey six and a half years ago- we moved in together four and a
    half years ago.  She's divorced, we're raising her 7-yr old son.  This
    is going well.  I've never been convinced by the social propaganda that
    marriage is the only way to live- frankly, watching the divorce blues
    that have burned so many of my friends here and elsewhere, I don't
    think this society prepares people for lifetime commitments.  I don't
    think I can make such a commitment, honestly.  I don't plan to do it
    any other way, so I don't think I'll ever get married.
    
    DougO

    
>    that have burned so many of my friends here and elsewhere, I don't
>    think this society prepares people for lifetime commitments.  I don't
>    think I can make such a commitment, honestly.  I don't plan to do it
>    any other way, so I don't think I'll ever get married.
    
    DougO,
    
    How would your commitment be different?  Emmy and I lived together for
    2 1/2 years before getting married and only then because we figured it
    would be easier for the impending kids.  Married or committed live-ins
    were essentially equal for us.
    
    Thanks,
    Greg
     

    In some states, after 6-7 years. Its called 'Common Law Marriage'. So,
    its and either way. Esp of DougO or anyone has a child in or out of
    wedlock. You are held accountable for the financial rearing. The
    emotional, if your lucky, you might not be a distant uncle when they
    become of age.
    
    

    The traditional view:
    
    Dated my wife a year and half. Engaged 6 months.
    Never lived together except after marriage. Now going on 24 years and
    would not have it any other way.
    
    A lifetime commitment - nope.  When I married, I married forever and
    hope it will ever be that way.
    
    Paul

When we were married, I had known my wife for 8 years, off and on.  We had
dated/lived together for 15 months.  We've now been married 24 years, and still
going strong.


Re: married vs living together.  Legally, living together is about the same as
marriage in most states of the USA.  I was told that in Kansas, when we were
living there, that one year together was enough to create a common law marriage.
I never tried to verify that.

We decided to get married to simplify a few details, like how to introduce each
other and how to fill out tax forms.  We would probably still be together if we
had not.  Without children, that contract is not too important.

Or, as an old Hamilton cartoon says "No, there are very real differences.  For
instance, if you're just living together you don't have to buy those enamelware
skillets at $70 a pop."

    
    
    We met and dated for a year then got married and stayed that way for
    eighteen years. Probably the first twelve years were very good.
    Kids, House responsibility and all that.  The last six were
    awfull and the divorce was the worst time of my life.(our life).
    Been single eight years now with no SO.  I would have married 
    her if we dated longer because she was/is a good decent person.
    
                                                    Bill