Conference quark::mennotes

    I would suggest that Mr. Strong take himself in hand, so to speak.
    Other tactics would include diverting that energy into useful 
    projects that need to be done or in hobbies that provide diversion.
    Other methods include finding that people do not die from having
    sex when they think they need it!  The pressure that one puts on
    another for sex at inappropriate times is damaging to the party 
    going through stressful times.

    

I will not assume that the partner more interested in sex is a man.  I have
known heterosexual couples where the woman was more interested.  And I have
known homosexual couples with the same problem.

Nor will I assume that the partner more interested owns the problem and has to
solve it him/her self.  I think relationships become stronger when partners work
together in solving their problems.

Still, I think that .1 gives at least three good parts of a solution.  I will
add a few more parts.  Feel free to mix and match as you and your partner think
best.

Make the time for comfort, affection and closeness.  People with strong sex
drives often do not realize how much they need this.  And people struggling with
grief and stress may lose their awareness of how much this helps.  It may help
to set a ground rule that this time is not to be used for sex.

Both partners should be sure to get enough exercise, because it will move both
their drives closer together.  If that is not enough, the partner with the
stronger drive should find a more stressful job ;-).

Talk about the future.  The lost parent will not come back, and job stress may
not go away short of retirement.  You can probably see an adjustment you can
make in the long term, once you think and talk about it.  This will also prevent
both of you from seeing the present situation as permanent.

Talk about the present.  Be open about what you want, and respectful of what
your partner wants.  You can probably arrive at an arrangement which will give
both partners something, even if it is less than what each wants.  This is
better than a situation where one partner feels pressured and guilty and the
other feels denied and resentful.

    I agree with Jacqui, taking matters into hand privately, and also
    making sure that you are still there for your partner for cuddling,
    hugs, etc.  There are lots of reasons beyond job stresses, family stuff
    that can cause a serious, temporary disparity in sex drive between two
    people, and remembering that the next time it could be yourself who is
    uninterested/unable to respond sexually to the other for a time.  A
    loving person can handle this without injuring or guilting either
    party.  
    
    I have been the person on both ends, and am very happy that I have an
    understanding partner, and I believe that he is happy that I understand
    when he is also not up to par, so to speak.  I had a first marriage
    where not even post-natal reccovery was considered to be a good reason
    for not being instantly ready.  Guilt, badgering, stepping out, or
    obvious masturbation do not get the other person interested, and
    certainly isn't a good way to maintain a loving relationship IMNSHO.
    
    meg

    I can't thankyou all enough, your advice and information is excellent
    and I fully understand what you are all saying, I now can see where the
    problem lies. thanks!.
    
    Marti

    I have to mention recently all hugs, kissing etc is a no go area,
    how would one try or get the partner not wanting any of these
    to feel that it's okay to Hug and kiss without having the pressure
    of sex. On one occasion both parties were drunk, but no sex or
    cuddling took place, although they slept together and talked about
    what they felt about each other, negative and positive, the person
    with the strong sex drive did not make any suggestions or take
    advantage of his partners drunkeness, will she respect this although
    she didn't acknowledge this?.
    
    Marti

    
         I think that this sounds more like a "start" in the relationship.
    If 2 people can sleep together, talk about anything, and the one
    with the very strong sex drive can "Hold back" without pressuring
    the one who really doesn't "want to", then maybe the relationship could
    grow somewhat before that happens. 
    
         Some people (under stress, bad childhoods, lots of trust issues
    unsolved) feel used if they thing the other person only wants sex. If
    the woman, or man can see that the other person really cares for
    them, then maybe the sex will come as a "reward" for the hard work
    in the relationship. 
    
        Rosie

.5>    how would one try or get the partner not wanting any of these
>    to feel that it's okay to Hug and kiss without having the pressure

I'd talk about it.  Agree on what constitutes an acceptable PDA (public display
of affection, oops wrong note), and on what is the line that won't be crossed. 
Then keep the agreement.

If we could not talk about it, I'd figure there may be more to this difficulty
with our relationship than I thought.

Sleeping with a drawn sword between you is more traditional, but a good sword is
pretty expensive these days.

> will she respect this although she didn't acknowledge this?

Again I would talk.  I would not ask for any respect, because I would figure I
did what any decent human would do.  But I would expect my partner to agree that
this shows a level of trust we can build on.