Conference quark::mennotes

    I know a woman who is in her mid 30's, and married a man who was one of
    her clients in an old folks home. 70's something. Needless to say. She
    has his offspring, married him, he died about a year ago.....
    
    An ol flame I dated, for about 10 months, broke it off with me, she was
    40 something, and he is 65.... Married him... Its working. 

    I have a friend who's married to a guy about 25 years older than her.
    Seems to be working ok.
    
    My mother-in-law was married to a a man 15 years older.  He died about
    13 years ago of a heart attack.  Her comment, "It can leave you with
    a lot of years alone".  Statistics show that the older a woman gets,
    the less likely she will remarry.
    
    fred();

I'm 13 years older than the woman whom I've been seeing for the past year. 
I'm now 40, and this is the second such relationship that I've had in the
past four years.  The benefits are obvious, so I won't go into that... ;-)
The important things are common values (not necessarily common INTERESTS,
but common values), trust (and honesty) and respect - but those are the
elements of any sound relationship, regardless of age difference.

I think that most of the time, it makes little or no difference how many
years are between two people in a relationship.  With all due respect to my
younger friends, however, I do think that the typical person in their 20's
may still have some growing up to do.  Just as teenagers are notorious for
thinking they'll live forever, and thinking they know it all, not everyone
outgrows these immature perspectives before they reach 30.  Some people
never do.  At different stages of maturity, our self images can be very
different, and less mature people tend to be less realistic about the harsh
realities that getting to know oneself brings.  In other words, just because
you think you're grown up, mature, confident and well-informed, doesn't mean
you are.

Just ask my 16yr-old daughter.  She thinks she knows everything. ;-)

tim

    My Grandfather's third wife was 35 to his 70 when they married.  They
    had 22 years of a happy marriage and two children.  While this wouldn't
    be my cup of tea, Judith and Harry seemed like a good fit.  
    
    meg

    There's Anna Nicole Smith who's married to that 80-ish millionaire - 
    the photos I've seen show him with a grin ear to ear....
    
    				Steve

    Thanks everybody.
    
    Steve, millionaries don't count...
    
    Now, I'll tell you my story and want you to comment on it.
    
    I'm 36, my ex-wife she's 37. We were together for 18 years up to last 
    year, and now we're really good friends. On the last few months, I've
    been dating an 18 years old girl that seems to have all the qualities
    I looked for in a woman. But dating this girl has brought out two main
    problems:
    
    1) She do have a boyfriend (3 years-old relationship) that treats her
       really bad (indiference, not hurting...), but he has become almost
       as "part of her family". Her mother really likes him, he sleeps on
       her place on some weekends and vice-versa. He's 20 years old. I'm
       not sure if I do have the right to end that relationship and she's 
       not sure if she wants to end it. It seems to be a question of
       trading what she already knows for the seems-to-be-better but the 
       only way she could be sure is by performing the trade. Catch 22.
    
    2) Social problems. As an example, we were at a restaurant other day,
       when she started to cry remembering her problems with her family.
       I then told her we should go back to the car so she could feel at
       easy to cry. We do went, but the car was parked in front of the 
       restaurant's main window and she did cried a lot. People in here 
       don't give a damn if they see a couple fighting, but they do protect
       childs. As she looks like a child to them, someone asked the waiter
       to go outside to check if I was not hurting her! Imagine her parents
       reaction when and if sometime I'll be introduced to them! :-(
     
    Have you heard of somebody on such a situation?
    
    What would you do? Go for it or just forget it?
    
    Ham. 

    RUN, as fast as you can...

    Ham,
    
    When I was eighteen, I fell in love with and married a man eleven years 
    older than I.
    
    It took me another 15 years to figure out that I had married a father
    figure.  I grew up and did not need to be married to a father figure
    anymore.
    
    Contrary to what I thought at eighteen, I now know that eighteen is a
    child.  I don't believe that any 37 year old man should be in a
    relationship with and eighteen year old "girl".
    
                                Patricia

Re: .7 and .8

Agreed, with both.  You're dealing with an emotionally immature girl,
and you're guaranteed to get hurt.  RUN.


tim

.6>    Now, I'll tell you my story and want you to comment on it.

Well, since you ask me...

.6>    What would you do? Go for it or just forget it?

Forget it.

If I was asking this question of strangers on the net, I'd figure that I must
have a lot of doubts, and I am looking for somebody to talk me out of this.

I'm not saying that the age difference alone makes this relationship impossible.
Two mature people with a lot in common could overcome that.

How mature are you?  Don't answer, just think about it.

How mature is she:

>She do have a boyfriend (3 years-old relationship) that treats her really bad 

>she's not sure if she wants to end it

>       when she started to cry remembering her problems with her family.

    There was 10 yrs between my grandparents.  He was 30, she had just
    turned (4 days) 20.  They dated/were engaged just 5 months.  He was
    very successfull in marketing/advertising in New York City, she was
    a rather stunning blonde.  She said she told her mom the first night
    they met that "this was it".  He lived to just short of 93 and she 88.  
    Always, you could feel the love in that house.  
    
    But I view this as the exception! 

    Thanks again for everybody. Now I'll post MY comments.
    
    I've runned out of this relationship some weeks ago, mainly because, as
    Tim said, I was afraid to get hurt. Patricia's story and some others
    that have been sent to me directly, they tell me that I did the right 
    thing, and that the exceptions, as put by Furbeck, are seldom seen.
    
    Maturity has nothing to do with the matter, Nielsen, as we cannot choose
    who are we going to fall in love with. But, once it happened, it becomes
    a problem that needs a solution, and this net and THE BIG ONE are the
    best possible places to share IDEAS and EXPERIENCES, and that was what
    I was after. This is the second time I use the net and I get really
    happy to have this available in my lifetime. People really do care and
    try to help, each one on his own way.
    
    Now the girl is wanting to restart, but now I can check first if she is
    not looking after a father figure or I can accept her but keep inside
    of me the knowledge that she is likely to change her mind and go away 
    anytime as she gets older, more experienced and more confident, who knows? 
    
    At the same time, we can see exceptions as related by Furbeck, and as 
    this one that I will reproduce below without her name or country.
    You'll see that she's not at all trying to induce me to follow either
    way. She's just telling her own story and her feelings and I did
    thought it was great. But we all can see that there are women that feel
    unconfortable with near-their-ages guys, and do prefer the maturity of
    older man.
    
    Thanks again, everybody. Ham.
    ************************************************************************
    Ham,

    I hope you don't mind some personal mail.  I had to really think about
    writing into the file and decided I would rather just write directly to
    you.

    I have another perspective on your dilema.  I am 29 now but was
    involved with a man who was 36 when I was 18.  The story is the same as
    yours.  I was involved with someone who was 19 for two years.  My
    family loved him (his also loved me) and everyone was very close.
    As I entered the work force and met older men, I found that my current
    boyfriend had a lot of growing up to do and I also had some growing up
    to do.  It made me think that being committed at such a young age was 
    wrong but I didn't have the heart to tell him of this.  I went back and
    forth and ended up hurting both men.  Looking back, I thought I knew so
    much.  I do believe that women mature quicker than men but 18 is very
    young.  She may love you; she may love her boyfriend but in all
    reality, she will probably change her mind several times before loving
    someone forever.  Something that you are emotionally ready to do; but
    she is not.  Even if you are not ready for forever but care for her
    deeply she is too confused to understand your feelings and not mature
    enough to consider them at this time in her life.

    I to this date still prefer older men.  I went on to live with a man at
    22 who was 13 years my senior.  I married a man who is four years older
    than I am and we separated because he can't deal maturely with a women
    being independent.  I got involved with a man of 43.  I have never been
    happier.  Have I always needed a father figure?  No, I have not.  I
    need a man who respects me, trusts my judgement and will be able to
    communicate with me without blowing up.  Younger men have never been
    able to show me that they can withstand their emotions in a difficult
    situation.  Maybe I just haven't met the right ones.  Maybe there are
    women who are mature enough to be a relationship with a mid-thirties
    man at 18 but I know that I wasn't.

    Good luck... if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

    Cheers,

    CENSURED
              

    I'm closing this topic here, as I got a lot of NOTES posted and
    personally sent info.
    
    Thanks again for everybody.
    
    Ham.