Conference quark::mennotes

    A great idea.  When I started my divorce a year ago - now thankfully
    over - I was facing some pretty scary stuff.  Financial issues,
    emotional pain, legal ignorance (I was fighting a custody battle for my
    two daughters - a real uphill battle which I won), you name it.  I got
    a lot of support from men who are members of this community and it was
    very important to me.
    
    So I would be happy to share my experience with anyone - here or
    offline.  And yes, there is life after divorce.  I can honestly say
    that although I am working like a dog taking care of my 2 girls and a
    household solo - I have never been happier or healthier.
    
    Bob                                      

    try QUOKKA::Non_Custodial_Parent notes. Lots of info there. 
    
    Two good things to have when your going into one of these. A good
    support group, and a pc to help write letters, memos, and motions.
    
    

Another good thing is to believe in yourself, because you WILL come out the
other side.  How you do that depends a great deal on the attitude you take.

					Steve

    
    I've been through 9 1/2 yr. battle over divorce/custody case.  I went
    through about 4 different attorneys.  Finally, out of necessity,
    educated myself enough on the law to go in as my own attorney, 
    and won.  Along the way, much of the time, I had little or no
    support other than a very strong belief in what is right.  Much
    of what I've learned I learned the hard way.  I don't feel superior 
    because of that.  I feel very fortunate and very thankful to many
    people who did help along the way.  Especially my wife who has stood
    by in often very difficult situations, even to the point of helping
    me raise three teen-agers.

    As such I've tried to pass along what I've learned, such as it is,
    to others going through divorce, and try to make myself available
    for "consulting" to anyone  in need of help.  There is a lot of
    stuff I've put into QUOKKA::Non_Custodial_Parents, and in this
    file also.  

    The main thing--Document, Document, Document.  Judges don't want
    to see "hesaid/shesaid", they want _evidence_.

    fred();

    ...Document, document, document. And never step across the line of
    demarcation. Its easy to get cought up in it. Always be honest, even if
    it does hurt. You set a presidence of being forth right, doing things
    for the right reasons, and most of all....creditable in court. The
    opposing camp is always going to pannic and try to find a fast one to
    slip on you. And if your awake, quick, and honest. You can see it
    coming, and even if it does come down on you, the honest creditable
    part will pull you out of it.
    
    Peace
    

    
    >The opposing camp is always going to pannic and 
    >try to find a fast one to slip on you.
    
    attitudes like this contribute to the confrontational 
    flavor of many divorces. 
    
    while i feel that my ex took some advantage of me, i 
    don't think it was excessive or vindictive, and surely
    not worth a debilitating legal battle.
    
    just my experience, others may be different.
    
    
    

    .6 This is your opion, of course. Best if you want to see this is full
    action. Go see some of the walking wounded walk thru the doors of the
    local Fathers groups. Or if you are in need of a day off for something
    other than work. Best is a monday morning or an afternoon at either the
    local district court house, or better is the supeior court house in
    your local county. Lots of interesting action going on.:) 
    
    There are men who roll over, and there are men who will legally fight
    back. Your opion is your opion.

It is not necessary to "fight back" in order to prevent being "rolled over".
It is important to have your eyes open and competent legal advice.  If you
go into it with an aggressive attitude, you're more likely to escalate into
an all-out war.

					Steve

    Steve,
    
    If war is what they want, war is what they will get. If peace is what
    they want. Then negotiation is what is necessary. And negotiation is
    seldom used, seldom talked about, and is at least....seldom.
    
    When men come in, whinning about how they were screwed to the wall. And
    they don't do a thing about it. Then the saying goes, they haven't been
    screwed enough to 'get it'. 
    
    There still exist this sexism idology that if you give em every thing
    they want. They might find compashion to come back. It doesnt work that
    way. You must be a fiece fighter, when its time to fight, legally, and
    a good peace maker when its time to make peace. And most of all you
    must divorce your emotions from what must be done for the goodness of
    the children.

    I disagree with your tactics, but situations vary.  I would prefer
    to recommend that one stand up for oneself (and one's children),
    be firm but fair and not try to "get" the other.  If attacked,
    defend by all means, but too many couples are encouraged to
    go on the offensive and it ends up with increased pain all around.
    
    					Steve

    > but situations vary.
    
    The key phrase. And standing up sometimes takes on the tactics that we
    disagree on.:)
    
    

        re 10,11

    I'm not sure that the both of you are really that far about taking
    into account writing styles.  The bottom line is "hope for the best
    but plan for the worst".  I can't count (even with my shoes off :^})
    the number of men I've seen get #@!$%ed royal because the thought
    that just by being a nice guy that she'd see what nice guy he was
    and come back, then wake up too late to the fact that she really
    _is_ a flaming *&^%.  Protect yourself and your kids, but leave the
    door open for negotiation.

    fred()

Re: .12

I think I can agree with that assessment.  Being a "nice guy" does not mean
giving away everything.  My major point was not to enter into the fray
with a "I'm gonna make her/him miserable" attitude.  You'll both lose that
way.

					Steve

    Aaaaah! Grasshopper.... I was not infering that one must take the
    attitude of -I'm gonna make her/him miserable. I was infering to if you
    are to war, you war. If your are to go to peace, negotiate. But, be
    Sameri warrior. Be prepaired for Everything. But expect nothing. 

    The following entry has been contributed by a member of our community
    who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by
    mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
    conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
    your name attached  unless you request otherwise.

				Steve






   Now come on, its all common sense.  If your soon to be X feels like putting
   you through a ringer, she can, and there's nothing you can do except pay
   pay pay that lawyer.  Its really comes down to what kind of person you soon
   to be X really is.  If she is greedy and wants to be taken care of at your
   expense, you are in for one HELL of a ride.  
   
   My advice is. to stick to your guns as to what you feel is fair and don't
   back down no matter what, or you will start a landslide of demands against
   your wallet.
   
   Lawyers love totake as much money from you as possible and will  argue all
   day, at your expense.  Her lawyer (MY X's WAS A WOMAN) will ask for the
   moon and your lawyer will negotiate with her lawyer  until either both or
   one of you run out of money.  Then the one that  still has money left, (TO
   PAY THE SCUMBAG LAWYERS) usually wins.   It took almost 3 years for my
   divorce to become final.  We came to  an agreement in just one year (WOW, I
   WAS PAYING ALMOST ALL OF THE  BILLS AT THE TIME) and we were granted our
   divorce after reviewing  and initialing every page and every modification
   (SHE WAS GETTING  OVER 80% of the marital assets).  
   
   After two days, I got a letter stating that my divorce would be final  in
   90 days. A week later, I got another letter stating that she  had switched
   lawyers and was appealed the divorce. She claimed that  the said agreement
   was never explained to her and that she thought  I was going to pay her
   alimony and the mortgage (ALL BULL) ect.  
   
   As far as I can tell, her new Lawyer (ANOTHER WOMAN) was like an  ambulance
   chaser, she probably told my X that she could make me  into her personal
   financial support slave.  It took almost another  two years and an
   additional 7k for my lawyer to stick it out.   My X used her kids college
   money that her mother had set aside to  pay the ambulance chaser/lawyer. I
   had no children with her, she  had two kids from a previous marriage and we
   were only married 8  years but were together for 12.  She only worked part
   time for the  last 4 years and I paid over 7k for her to attend nursing
   school  after we separated (TRYING TO BE A NICE GUY).
   
   She was denied her appeal 3 times in the lower court and was bringing it up
   to the appellate court of Massachusetts.  She also moved out of state to
   Florida, sold everything but the kitchen sink, left the house trashed and
   did not pay any mortgage bills or taxes for almost a year.   This ruined my
   credit and gave me more headaches than you can imagine. My hands were tied
   because even though we had an earlier agreement  that was signedby both,
   the agreement was now in limbo, but mostly  in her favor.  I could not do
   anything with the house except clean  it up at my own expense and time.
   
   The thing that finally brought this divorce to an end, was that her oldest
   son sold the car that I bought for her (BUT WAS IN BOTH OUR  NAMES) and of
   course forged my name on the title and sales slip.   The only reason I
   found this out was because he did not turn in the  plates and the insurance
   company and RMV was on my back about it.  I also talked to her youngest son
   who moved in with his biological father when the SH*T hit the fan and he
   was the one who told me that his brother had sold the car.   I used this a
   leverage (after  consulting my lawyer) and it finally ended the appeal and
   my  divorce was finalized.
   
   
   I could write about 100 more pages of sh*t that she pulled and got away
   with, but I think I will save it for a book some day.  
   
   I guess I should feel lucky that I was married and divorced in the great
   state of suckachussetts. ;)
   
   Regards, 
   
   weary and tired

    After stories like this (and you hear them over and over and over),
    it's no wonder white males voted 2-1 Republican last election.  A
    few more elections like this, and maybe some of the government 
    aparachnicks will begin to take notice.

    fred();

Re: .16

The connection is lost on me, Fred.  Or is this also Clinton's fault?

				Steve

    
    re .17

    >The connection is lost on me, Fred.  Or is this also Clinton's fault?

    Actually I think it was a little bit of a lot of stuff.  A lot of
    white males are just fed up with a lot of things that are going on.
    Bill&Hillery just became the lightening rod for the whole mess.
    Not that they didn't deserve it.

    fred();

    Fred,
    
    eeeeaaahh! They deserve any and all of it.:) 

	I really think the answer is to bring back fault.  This no-fault crap
	where it is assumed you (the male) should shoulder the expense and
	emotional wreakage of a divorce is BS.  Where are the women out there
	that want equal rights ?  Does equal mean --- no responsibility ?

	Chuck

    I had a friend that told the judge that he wanted nothing out of the
    divorce except his car and his clothes, if the judge would just cut him
    loose from his wife entirely (no children were involved). His wife got
    everything, the main car, the house and everything in it, the savings
    account and investments. When he offered that, His wife and the judge
    could do nothing but agree. It is now five years latter. His x-wife has
    pretty much lost everything and he says he is doing great. His X tried
    to take him to court once about two years ago. He went in front of the
    judge with the paper signed by his x-wife, her lawyer and the judge. He
    didn't hire a lawyer to defend him. It took about ten minutes and he
    won the case. She hasn't bothered him since.
    
    Maybe just giving it up and starting over is the best way to handle it.
    My friend thinks so.
    
    ...Tom 

    
    re .21

    Problem is, for most men, just giving it all up and starting over
    is not an option.  In states that have alimony, she gets the
    lions share **plus** a hefty support payment until she dies or
    decides to get married again (which she has no incentive to do).
    If there are children, then you can better believe that "child
    support" is going to take a major bite out of your paycheck
    until all the kids are out of college.

    On the positive side, the better man (or woman) will generally win
    out in the long run.  The sorry details of my odyssey are scattered
    over this file and QUOKKA::NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS, so I won't repeat
    them.  The short form is I went back to school, got a pretty decent
    job, a good wife, and regained custody of the kids, while she has
    continually wallowed in her own poverty and misery.  There are many
    ways to fight back. As someone said once, "There are many parts to
    being a warrior. The ability to fight is only one of them", and I 
    think it was Napoleon who said, "The most important thing in a 
    soldier is not his courage, but his ability to endure hardship".
    Sometimes just surviving is the greatest victory of all.

    fred();

    Second families also get screwed big time from lots of this. One man,
    and his second wife filed bankruptcy over the first wifes refusal to
    get a bloody job. She, (#1) got the house, the kids, the car, and a
    lions share of all the liquid assetts. And the second wife, started up
    and owned a hairdresser... Both lost it all.... because of the equal
    playing field we have for divorce. 
    
    

Permanent alimony usually applies only to wives who have been married
and unemployed for long periods of time - 20 years or more.  Less than
that amount of time, 'remedial alimony' as it is called, tends to last 
only a few years (say 3-10).

Child support lasts until 'emancipation', typically age 18, not necessarily
until they're out of college, which is more typically age 21 or later.

Non-custodial fathers still do tend to get screwed, but let's not lose
our credibility by exagerating...pretty soon we'll start sounding like
men do 2/3 of the work for 1/10 of the pay and other nonsense like that
which sometimes shows up in some other notes files. ;-)

tim

    .24 Eleborate? Need en-lightened..:) What stuff in what other notes
    files? 
    
    

    ref: 141.0 
    
    What I really had in mind was the exchange of ideas, advice from
    experience, on how EMOTIONALLY survive a divorce, AFTER the 
    separation agreement is finally signed. Any practical ideas?
    
    
    Here are a couple:
    
    	even if you got SXXXX either by the courts or your X in some 
    		fashion, dont be vindictive, walk away, all verbal 
    		exchanges aimed at trying to get back to the source 
    		of your pain are sheer waste of emotional energy.
    
    	Best revange if you get SXXX, is to focus your energy on living well
    
    	Keep in good physical shape: exercise, exercise, eat well, sleep
    		enough, avoid all chemicals including booze.
    
        Treat yourself to something you usually would not do for yourself
    
    	Avoid dumping your problems/suffering on others, even your
    		close family: they'll get tired very soon, and in the end
    		no one is really interested or can do anything to help
    		you get out of the dumps. I have been really lucky though
    		to get very precious support from both my brother in law
    		and my sister in law, and we are still friends.
    
    	Believe that the future will be better, and it will!!!
    
    	Face yourself, learn to live on your own for a while (not bad at 
    		all to be able to run in and out at any time, for any
    		reason, without having to notify anyone!) once you 
    		can function nicely on your own for a while......if you're
    		lucky, find  a nice girlfriend.
    	
    	I'm sure you can add tons of ideas from your own
    experiences...well?
    
    
    DG
    

    
    re .24

>Child support lasts until 'emancipation', typically age 18, not necessarily
>until they're out of college, which is more typically age 21 or later.

    Most states do not automatically order child support to continue
    through college, but most allow it to be extended through college, 
    and the request is almost automatically granted.  The way that some 
    are worded, the child can choose the college and just send you the bill.

    fred();

    and there was a report in the previous version of the file where
    the grandmother went to court for more CS plus college expenses
    in Massachusetts.
    
    ed

i think your list in .26 is excellent. in my own experience and by what i see 
happening with alot of people coming out of broken down relationships is that 
there very often appears to be a need to 'reconnect' to the time before the 
relationship began - sort of like going back to the way it used to be.

my advice thus to people making a fresh start after a broken down relationship:
this is now the time for discovery and rediscovery, anything goes, get out 
there and do it, anything goes as long as you remain honest and good to 
yourself and to the people you mix with. 

especially if the break-up was 'unfriendly', allow for time for confronting
those doubts and for regaining your confidence as that emotional 'backlog' 
left by that broken down marriage gets digested. if you have put in a lot of
effort to keep the relationship going, it will take time to relearn how to
make 'number one' your first priority.


andreas.

    The period of my divorce I often refer to as the "dark ages".  However,
    in the interest of trying to pass on some of the hard-earned lessons,
    some rahter personal stuff followes,  feel free to hit "next unseen" now 
    of you'd rather not get into it.
    
    
    
    
    At the risk of getting into the "religious" thing, one thing that helped 
    me through the emotional part was going through a 12-step program.
    There are several out there that are not just AA.   There was a 
    lot of self doubt about "if a woman like that doesn't want me,
    the who would".  I'd committed so much of myself to my family that
    there wasn't a whole lot of "me" left.  I had to rediscover just
    who "fred" was.  I had to rediscover doing things because *I* 
    *wanted* to do them, not just because someone else needed me
    to do them.   Probably the most beneficial part of the 12-step
    program was the "inventory" and being brutally honest with myself
    in doing it.  It thought me to base my opinion of myself on my own
    inventory rather than on the "feedback" I was getting otherwise.

    I also discovered a big gap in what I "know" and what I "feel",
    and how much I am governed by what I "feel".  I also discovered
    that changing how you "feel" can be a real &^%$# even when you
    really _want_ to.  

    fred();

This is a very interesting conversation.

One of the most common things that I see happen to people
coming out of a divorce, is an immediate involvement with
someone new - a rebound.  It's incredible how common this
is, and it seems predictable that such things never work
out.  Divorce, like death, leaves a tremendous hole in
your life, and a need to fill that hole.  Finding someone
else to fill it, most often, seems to be a mistake.  You're
vulnerable, shaken, and not ready to deal with a new
relationship.  When the rebound ends, the grief from
both the divorce and the failed relationship all comes
back, and the result is far worse than if you started out
by dealing with the divorce alone before getting involved
with someone new.

Learning to be alone is tough.  Good advice in .30, about
the 12-step programs - like CODA.

tim

.30> Probably the most beneficial part of the 12-step program was the 
.30> "inventory" and being brutally honest with myself in doing it.  

could you perhaps expand on this a little fred? what sort of inventory?
is this something like a list of ones strong points or more like a list
of ones personal values or something different?


andreas.

    re .32

    You'll find most who have been through a 12-step program rather
    reluctant to discuss it outside the group.  Simply belonging to
    any group carries with it a serious connotation of admitted guilt
    to some people.  They take the "anonymous" part seriously.  The only
    reason I have seen someone asked to not return is for breaking 
    someone else's anonymity.  I am not now personally ashamed of 
    going through the program.  In fact I am certain I would not be 
    where I am today had it not been for some very good people during 
    those "dark ages".  The bottom line is--they work.

    For the record, the program I went through was not AA (yeh, part
    of that admitted quilt thing, but it is very real, and can be very
    damaging).  However, nearly all 12-step groups use the same 12-steps 
    with some minor modifications to fit the situation.  

    Step 4 is "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of
    ourselves".   The process is to make a list of "good" and "bad"
    attributes of your character.  The key is to be absolutely and
    brutally honest with yourself.  It's only yourself that you are
    hurting if you don't.  It is usually done in conjunction with
    a "sponsor" (a friend who has been in the program a while) to
    help keep you honest.  The benefit is to base your opinion of
    yourself on your own (honest) inventory, and to provide a basis
    for correcting the "bad" attributes in following steps.  The first
    attempt at the list at least is based on what _you_ feel are your good
    and bad characteristics.  You may later want to modify or refine the
    list.  Only YOU have the right to put any given characteristic in the
    "good" or "bad" column.

    The "moral" inventory is not based on any religious dogma.  In fact
    the program is not based  on any religious dogma, but it _is_ based 
    on a spiritual acknowledgment  of "a power greater than ourselves as we
    understand him/her".  Without that, the program is relatively worthless.
    
    fred();

thanks for posting more detail fred. in retrospect, i would definitely advise
anyone coming out of a broken relationship to try a group session. i think the
dealing with the past and closing that chapter will be a lot more thorough and
better controlled in a group setup than when going through it alone. 


andreas.

    In interest of the "anonymity" part, if anyone wants to discuss any 
    12-step program further, they can contact me off-line.  Since I work
    from home most of the time now, it's probably best to send mail.
    
    fred();

    
    Another part of the recovery from divorce that may be helpful is some
    sort of "grief" counseling.  After all, this is a death of sorts.
    The death of a relationship, often the death of a "family", the
    death of "us".  In addition to the financial loss, a man will usually 
    not only lose a wife that he may or may not love, but children that
    he may care very much about.  (As I've said before, this type of forced
    separation of family members was supposed to have gone out with the 
    Emancipation Proclamation. Now they just call it "no fault" divorce).
    It is a loss, and in many cases a very big loss.

    I've talked to many men, and women for that matter, who say that 
    the emotional changes they went through were the same as if someone
    had died.  Many expressed the opinion that it seemed literally as
    if a part of _them_ was missing.  Some said that they thought
    that death would have been easier to deal with (not that they wished
    death on anyone), because you _know_ that there is nothing you can
    do about death.  With divorce, there is often a nagging and lingering
    "what if".

    Anyway, the changes in the grieving process are: 1) DENIAL, 
    2) ANGER, 3) BARGAINING, and finally 4)ACCEPTANCE.  It's generally 
    held that the process will take about six months.  I've seen it take 
    much longer if not dealt with.  The benefit is that you realize that
    those feelings and process are normal changes, not loosing your 
    marbles.

    fred();

Excellent point, fred().

My father died suddenly, less than a year after my divorce.  The feelings
were similar, but the death was probably a little easier for me to deal
with than the divorce.  I spent quite a bit of time talking with my mom
about the grief and the sense of loss - and we often found parallels 
between our situations.  The primary difference was the finality of 
death - which is many ways made it easier to accept.

tim

    I wrote this a while back and it has helped some other men.
    
    Enjoy
    Steve
    
    
    
Copyright � (1994) Stephen Keith

You feel confused, lost. You cannot figure what to do let alone
what went wrong. Everything you have done in your life is now
called into question. All your values, everything you consider
right and wrong seems up for grabs right now.

	All these feelings are natural in the circumstances you find
yourself in right now. Your wife has indicated that she wants
out of this marriage and you haven't a clue as to how this came
about. This person you have lived with for many years seems to
think and act so strangely now that you wonder if you really
know her or even if you really knew her at all.

	You are either at or near middle age. You did everything you
were taught to do as a man in our society. You have been
successful in your chosen career. You are a good provider for
your wife and children. A good house, cars and other niceties
were provided without complaint or hesitation. Are you crazy?
You have sacrificed for them over many years. What could your
wife and children possibly want more than what you have done for
them. 

	To answer that question you must first look at what our society
taught boys in the 50's, 60's and 70's as to what was expected
of you. If you are like most, you were taught that you would
find a wife, a partner for the rest of your life. Someone you
would build a nest with, Someone you would have a family with.
Someone you would provide for and care for and support
unconditionally. What most boys and men were not taught was that
there was more to it than that. Many of us I believe were not
taught to be self-sufficient enough probably by our mothers. Our
mother took care of us probably more that she should have. Not
out of malice, but out of love. She had always nurtured us, and
as the primary caregiver in our lives she mothered us. 

	In our adult lives that left us missing something. We could be
as strong and powerful or successful as we could possibly
imagine, but that nurture was still missing. When we chose a
mate, one quality that we looked for probably by our
subconscious was a nurturing individual. This probably played a
more important role in our selection than we may have thought.
With this mate behind and beside us we could do anything in life.

	But what about her needs. She was probably raised just as
incompletely. She was probably suffering from low self esteem
that was probably derived from her father, society, and how her
mother was treated. She needed a guardian, a provider, a
protector. With this she could be successful and complete.
Again, society preprogrammed her as incompletely, or incorrectly
as it did you.

	Times change and so do people. For you, with her behind you,
you had a stable base to work from. You were secure, confident
and content. Life was pretty good. 

	For her though things were different. Low self esteem does not
necessarily last a life time. As a person get older, and
hopefully wiser, things that you would have not bothered with or
let go now become more important and as you realize a finality
to you life and with an unknown amount left, you tend to
question things more and speak up for yourself more.
Additionally, things that you would have accepted before, now
are open for questioning. This is probably what happened with
her. What was OK in the past, is not OK today. The status quo is
now unacceptable.

	She looked at her life and marriage and realized that this
societal preprogramming had done both her and you harm. It had
crippled you from completely growing up into a self-sufficient
adult. She probably realized this even if you didn't. She could
see that she had partly become your mother and protector. This
is why you were secure and stable. For her, this was
unacceptable, even more so if you had children. With children,
she could see the striking similarities. You were just older.
With children, you also think about their future and want it
better than your own. When you start thinking about their
future, you invariably think about you own life and how you got
to be who you are.

	So this bolt out of the blue decision on her part to separate
has been devastating to you. That is part of the bad news. The
other part is that you probably cannot save what you didn't have.

	The good news, the really good news is that you will survive.
You may be convinced otherwise right now, but from someone who
has gone through this, you will survive. Even better is that you
will be a better person at the end of this. Though you may not
believe this, you will probably also be happier. 

	There are negatives to everything. The separation from your
children will be painful and a continuing source of pain. In
most instances, though this can be mostly alleviated by working
with your mate to see that this doesn't happen. Your house and
other items you have worked so hard for may have murky future.
Again, some of these things can be worked out with your mate.

	What is really important is that you take care of yourself. By
this I mean look at what has happened honestly. Do this without
remorse, regret, and blame. Seek professional help to be able to
talk out your feelings and think and work out solutions. You
will be surprised at how many other people are going through
this too. Most of all, don't give up or make matters worse by
blaming your mate. She is just as wounded as are you. She has
spent a great portion of her life also living in a way that was
not healthy or beneficial for her either.  

	You will get through this. If you correct the underlying
problems, you will eventually be happier than you could
imagined. You will find another, someone whom you are truly
partners with. Someone whom you will deeply love and with whose
love a great healing will take place.

	You are a good person. Don't give up or try to take the easy
way out. This has been a painful learning experience. You don't
want to do it again.

    The following entry has been contributed by a member of our community
    who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by
    mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
    conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
    your name attached  unless you request otherwise.

				Steve






   In the period of from Dec 20 till today I have lost my youngest brother
   to a senseless murder. My wife waited till the week before I was
   scheduled to go out of town on a business trip to have papers served on
   me to be thrown out of the house and appear in court the Thursday before
   I had to leave town for the business trip. My job is one where I cannot
   take any time off without advanced notice; I deal with paying customers
   who expect me in front of them. She did this to me Jan. 23.

   I had to go to court that Thursday morning and her lawyer offered me to
   sign a list of temporary orders. I was very shaken and signed them; I
   hadn't had time or resources to get an attorney beforehand- my wife had
   cleaned out the joint accounts. I've since got an atty and will speak
   with him this afternoon.

   While out of town on Feb.1 my wife tells me about the 'other man'. This
   hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I knew her and that she would
   never do this to me, but it happened.

   I'm still in the shock stage. The reply in .26 was very good advice for
   me. My main problem so far has been trying to talk with her and elicit
   some positive response. As has been said, that doesn't work.

   I need some support group to talk with. Anybody know of any in the
   Fitchburg, Mass. area? Looking at that ceiling all night long in my
   studio (she has the new house we built last year) is driving me nuts. I'm
   about ready to start hitting the booze again.

    1. DON'T hit the booze. She will win twice
    
    2. DON'T sign anything w/o you attorney's approval.
    
    3. Take care of yourself.
    
    As my marriage was falling apart a while back, I learned of a 'one
    nighter' that my wife had had. I would never have believed someone if
    that had told me that she would do that. Never say never...
    
    
    My heart goes out to you
    
    Steve

       Definitely don't hit the booze. At least yours told you she was
    involved as shocking as it may be. My ex to this day claims that there
    was never another man. Even though he moved in well before the divorce
    was final.
       As has been said time ana agin document document document. Also try
    not to be too easy. I was and am now desperately searching for a 2nd
    job to make ends meet.
       I don't know of any support groups in the Fitchburg area. The
    Worcester telegram has some listings in the TIMEOUT section of their 
    Sunday edition.
       Moderator!! what're the chances of developing our own support
    network? I know when I was going through my ordeal simply talking to
    someone was enough to get me through a rough day. I'd certainly be
    willing to offer my phone # to someone needing a listening ear from 
    time to time.
    
       Bob

    Re: .41
    
    This is a support network, is it not?  If you're talking about separate
    meetings, you certainly don't need a moderator involved.
    
    				Steve

    You will need a clear head now more than anything else.  As difficult
    as it may be, do not turn to drugs or booze to help you through this
    difficult time.  It does get better though the time it may take can
    seem like an eternity.  Enlist the services of an attorney ASAP if you
    have not already done so.  If you really need someone to talk to, think
    about seeking counseling.  It helps some folks.  You do not need to go
    through this alone.  
    
    Brian

    
    If there are no children involved, count yourself lucky that you
    found out about this loser when you did and go find someone who
    can appreciate what you have to offer.  If there are children,
    then life is going to be a lot more (as the Chinese curse goes)
    interesting.  As hard as it may be to do so, as a previous noter
    said, document document document.  The courts don't want to 
    hear she-said-she-did.  The courts want _evidence_.  Any paper
    documentation can help.  One of those is a personal journal of
    what-when-where-who etc.  In most states they're admissible evidence.

    Don't sign anything unless your lawyer sees it first, sometimes not
    even then.  Do some reading.  In this file and in
    quokka::non_custodial_parents.  It's not pretty, but it will let
    you know what you're up against. 

    I've always found it easier to look myself in the mirror for fighting
    and losing than for not trying.  

    fred();

    
    Ditto and all counts. Hate to say. And this is number 2.
    Needless to say I will go up to the plate for strike 3.
    
    Well....... not for a while.
    
    I went to consoling through Fallon and it help a lot.
    It was a group of maybe 5 to 6 people from different
    walks of life and whatever else you can think of. 
    Check it out.
    
    DO NOT BE STUPID !!!! No booze or drugs.
    Talk to someone , talk to yourself. You are someone.
    I know it is hard now but whatever... do not hate.
    It will get you in the end. I hit bottom. I thought
    I was literally dying I let myself get so low.
    But help from a good atty and the group help pull me
    out. No one is really to blame. DO NOT GET ME WRONG.
    I hate her, well sorta. Maybe for what she did put not
    as a mother and the woman I once loved.
    
    HELL WITH IT.... life goes on.
    And so will you my friend.
    
    Keep in touch,
    
    Rick A

    You are also entitled to a series of free visits on-site with
    your local EAP at work.  

    justme....jacqui

Seems to me like there is a lot of good advice in these replies.  I don't really
know, since I have not (thank the gods) gone through the process myself.  So
I'll let those who have been there give the advice.


Call me if you just want to talk.


Wally  276-8840

    .47 ????? 

    
    Pain in heavy doses is so frustrating....  
                           
    Good friends can be the absolute best support when these tough times 
    arrive. 
    
    Hang in there.
    
    Deane'o 

	My friend is the individual in .39. You have my permission to
	send any invitations of support or phone calls to my account.
	Here is an update from him.
	
	Stu Erb


	Thanks to all of you for the kind replies and advice.

	She's going to Vail, Co. next week for a ski vacation. Wouldn't
	have found out about it except my daughter told me Tuesday.

	I want to take some of you up on your offers of somebody to talk
	to. I will drive anywhere in New England this weekend,starting this
	evening, I will call anywhere in the world for someone to talk to.
	If you would, please send mail to my friend at SVCRUS::ERB
	He will relay the messages to me.

	I have also been looking at the non custodial parents notesfile and
	there is lots of good advice in there also. I will ask the mods over
	there to cross post this there also.

	Thanks again.

    
        You may also be interested in a support group located in
    Fitchburg call NEW BEGINNINGS, it's for single, divorced, seperated,
    and widowed folks.  So there is always someone who has gone through
    similar ordeals and alot of advise can be gotten.  If you want more 
    info on the meetings give me a call DTN 285-3106, or ALLINONE Spagnuolo
    @nio.
    
    Good Luck
    

    
    
[Navigation Bar]             [Philanthropy, Culture & Society]

                      July, 1995

                      Bringing Daddy Home: The Fatherhood Movement

                      By Patrick and Gwen Purtill

                      For thirty years social analysts have attempted
                      to persuade Americans against common sense, and
                      increasingly against common experience, that
                      family disruption does not seriously harm
                      children. That effort is rapidly losing ground.
                      There is a large and growing body of empirical
                      evidence showing that widespread fatherlessness
                      is wreaking physical, emotional and spiritual
                      havoc on children.

                      During these years, advocates of "alternative
                      families" justified family breakup by arguing
                      that traditional families were a widespread
                      source of real pathology. The argument simply
                      does not hold water. For example, traditional
                      families are less prone to domestic violence
                      than stepfamilies, single-parent families, or
                      co-habitating couples. The argument against the
                      traditional family has been dominated by the
                      false comparison of fictional models to real
                      families. Traditional families are condemned as
                      "dysfunctional" when they fail to live up to the
                      beau ideal styled by a popular therapist. But
                      the true comparison is between the traditional
                      family and its real world counterparts:
                      single-parent families, stepfamilies, and
                      co-habitating couples. Judged by that standard,
                      the married, biological family emerges as the
                      best environment for children.

                      Certainly many traditional families have
                      problems, which range in gravity from everyday
                      mutual annoyance to serious physical abuse. And
                      of course, there are examples of wonderful
                      stepfamilies and even single-parent families.
                      But an adequate understanding of the issue
                      demands that we know the rule before we begin to
                      take account of the exceptions. And if we are
                      serious about doing what is best for our
                      children, we will promote the institutions that
                      are likeliest to secure their happiness and
                      well-being.

                      In virtually every case, "family disruption" or
                      "alternative families" means growing up without
                      a father. Children deprived of their fathers
                      find it harder to develop normally into happy
                      adults. Young boys first learn how to treat
                      women by watching their fathers. Likewise, young
                      girls learn what is, and what is not, acceptable
                      treatment by men. Children who grow up without
                      their fathers are much less likely to enjoy
                      successful marriages themselves later in life.
                      Additionally, they tend to suffer a variety of
                      problems, including "higher than average levels
                      of youth suicide, low intellectual and
                      educational performance, and higher than average
                      rates of mental illness, violence and drug
                      use."1

                      Moreover, the family is the means by which
                      children learn to interact with others. Through
                      the mutual bonds of affection and responsibility
                      in the family, children learn to extend their
                      sense of affection and duty to members of the
                      larger community. "Authority, stability, and a
                      life of relationships within the family
                      constitute the foundations for freedom,
                      security, and fraternity within society," says
                      the catechism of the Catholic church. "The
                      family is the community in which, from
                      childhood, one can learn moral values, begin to
                      honor God, and make good use of freedom. Family
                      life is an initiation into life in society."2

                      Perhaps the most alarming consequence of father
                      absence is that, according to the U.S.
                      Department of Health and Human Services,
                      "children from disrupted families are at a much
                      higher risk for physical or sexual abuse."3 But,
                      as many researchers now point out, the three
                      social problems most on the minds of
                      Americanseducation, poverty, and crimeall find a
                      common taproot in father absence.

                      Numerous studies show that children who live
                      with both biological parents have a great
                      advantage. They tend to perform better in class
                      and on standardized tests. And they have fewer
                      problems with their peers. According to one
                      study, for example, children living apart from
                      their biological fathers are 40 percent more
                      likely to repeat a grade in school and 70
                      percent more likely to be expelled.5 Children
                      from disrupted families also are less likely to
                      graduate from high school or to attend college
                      than are their peers from intact families.

                      Changes in family structure have had an even
                      more dramatic impact on poverty. Since 1970 the
                      number of American children living in poverty
                      has been rising steadily. Nearly three quarters
                      of the children living in single-parent families
                      will spend part of their childhoods in poverty,
                      an experience shared by just 20 percent of
                      children in two-parent families.6 Moreover, for
                      children living only with their mothers, poverty
                      is not necessarily a short term drop in an
                      otherwise reasonably comfortable childhood. For
                      22 percent of these children, it lasts for a
                      period of seven years or longer.7

                      The last 35 years have seen violent crime in
                      America increase more than 500 percent.
                      According to the U.S. Department of Justice,
                      juveniles make up "the fastest growing segment
                      of the criminal population in the United
                      States." According to the Journal of Research in
                      Crime and Delinquency, "the best predictor of
                      violent crime in a neighborhood is the
                      proportion of households without fathers."8
                      Nationally, more than 70 percent of all
                      juveniles in state reform institutions come from
                      fatherless homes.9 Moreover, most violent
                      criminals are males who grew up without fathers,
                      including 60 percent of rapists10 and 72 percent
                      of adolescent murderers.11

                      Indeed, there is growing bipartisan agreement
                      that father absence is not merely one among many
                      factors indicating risk for criminality. Rather,
                      it is the single most important factor. In a
                      paper published by the Progressive Policy
                      Institute, Elaine Kamarck and William Galston
                      assert, "The relationship [between family
                      structure and crime] is so strong that
                      controlling for family configuration erases the
                      relationship between race and crime and between
                      low income and crime. This conclusion shows up
                      time and again in the literature."12

                      Illegitimacy: The Norm in America's Inner Cities

                      Each year in America nearly one million children
                      are born to unmarried women. That is one child
                      out of every three, a 400 percent increase since
                      1960 when only 5 percent of all births were to
                      unmarried women.13 Many single mothers never
                      marry or remarry. Even those who eventually
                      marry usually spend about six years as a
                      single-parent. For black women, it usually is
                      much longer.14 Between working and the
                      responsibilities of rearing a child alone, these
                      women have little time to devote to romance.
                      Despite tabloid stories featuring the births of
                      love children to fabulously wealthy Hollywood
                      superstars, the overwhelming majority of unwed
                      mothers are poor women with a high school
                      education at best.

                      In the inner city, where single-parent families
                      are the norm, education is elusive, poverty
                      sprawls across generations, and crime is
                      omnipresent. According to social scientist
                      Charles Murray, the black illegitimacy rate in
                      inner citiescurrently at over 80 percent has
                      created a "Lord of the Flies" culture with "the
                      values of unsocialized male adolescents made
                      norms physical violence, immediate gratification
                      and predatory sex."15

                      The disintegration of urban black families has
                      created living conditions previously
                      unimaginable in the United States. In some
                      communities, the ideal of responsible fatherhood
                      is reduced to a teenaged boy buying diapers for
                      the mother of his children. The question is no
                      longer whether current welfare policies are bad
                      for America's poorest families, but how to
                      control the damage they already have dome.

                      Institute For Responsible Fatherhood

                      AFDC created an economic incentive for
                      widespread illegitimacy. But The Institute for
                      Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization
                      is working to reverse this one family and one
                      father at a time. Reuniting fathers with their
                      families is the most promising solution to the
                      misery and turmoil in the inner city and the
                      Institute is working at the front lines of that
                      battle. According to its founder and president,
                      Charles A. Ballard, apart from looking to a
                      father for a child support check, much of our
                      society "looks right through him."

                      Charles Ballard does not need statistics to know
                      what can happen to a boy growing up without a
                      father. He is one of the statistics. Ballard
                      describes himself as an angry young man who
                      dropped out of school, fathered a child with a
                      woman he had no intention of marrying, and,
                      finally, landed in prison. But in prison, of all
                      places, the familiar pattern broke. He became a
                      Christian and committed himself to becoming a
                      real father to the son he then hardly knew.

                      Upon release from prison, Ballard took jobs
                      wherever he found them. Finally he persuaded his
                      son's mother, who had since married, to let him
                      adopt their child. "There were times," he says,
                      "when I had no idea what to do. Many times, my
                      only refuge was the knowledge that for all my
                      faults as a father, I was better than
                      nothing."16 It took six years of hard work, but
                      he went to college and got his degree. Since
                      1982 Ballard has worked with men in the Hough
                      neighborhood in the heart of Cleveland, teaching
                      them to be good fathers to their children. In
                      the neighborhood around his center, two out of
                      three children are born out of wedlock.

                      What Ballard's Institute does there is far from
                      standard issue social work. "If we believe that
                      every individual has the potential to control
                      his life, then we must treat each person with
                      respect,"17 he insists. Among other things, that
                      means not doing for anyone what he can do for
                      himself. The Institute does not spoon-feed a
                      father through the bureaucracy or schedule
                      classes for him. A man who is going to be a good
                      father to his children needs to develop the
                      initiative and confidence to take responsibility
                      for himself and his family. By the time a man
                      leaves the program, he already has accomplished
                      formidable goals by himself.

                      Ballard believes that if you really listen, you
                      will discover that these young fathers already
                      want to take care of their children, and they
                      even have some idea of how to turn their lives
                      around. But they need guidance and moral
                      support. More than anything else, however, they
                      need role models. Consequently, Ballard has
                      trained what he calls Outreach Specialists who
                      work from a mentor/protege model of
                      nontraditional, intensive, one-on-one guidance.
                      They ask a father for a commitment to four
                      goals:

                         * Legally acknowledge paternity of his
                           children.
                         * Decrease at-risk behavior.
                         * Stay in school, or return for a GED.
                         * Obtain a job and begin to contribute to the
                           care of his children.

                      Separate group sessions for fathers and mothers
                      are held weekly, and combined group sessions for
                      both parents are held monthly. But the outreach
                      specialists spend the majority of their time
                      working in the homes of their proteges. Meetings
                      are held there to deal with problems at the
                      source. During the early phase of the program,
                      it is not uncommon for the outreach specialist
                      to see the father three times per week. Outreach
                      specialists are available to their proteges by
                      pager 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mentors
                      discuss long term (5-to-10 year) goals with
                      these fathers, then work backwards to develop
                      specific 90 day plans.

                      One of the primary functions of the outreach
                      specialist is to serve as a role model to his
                      proteges. Each must adopt what Ballard calls a
                      "risk-free life-style." Those who challenge
                      young fathers to walk the straight and narrow
                      must live according to the same rulesfree of
                      "tobacco, alcohol, other drugs, abusive
                      behavior, sex outside of marriage, obesity or
                      other high risk behaviors."

                      At the outset, the father and mother often are
                      not on friendly terms. Therefore, the outreach
                      specialist always contacts the children's mother
                      and anyone else, such as a grandparent, who is
                      deeply involved in rearing the children. Even if
                      a father does not seek custody of his children,
                      one of the program's central goals is to develop
                      a respectful, cooperative relationship between
                      mother and father. A fringe benefit of Ballard's
                      method is that, after learning to work together
                      for the good of their children, many parents in
                      the program eventually marry. But at minimum,
                      children will see their parents treating one
                      another with respect.

                      With funding from the Ford Foundation, The
                      Institute for Responsible Fatherhood and Family
                      Revitalization is embarking upon a tremendous
                      expansion this year. Ballard is working to
                      replicate his Cleveland operation in Nashville,
                      Yonkers, San Diego, Milwaukee, and the District
                      of Columbia. Each of these cities has shown an
                      interest in the program as well as a base of
                      support within the community. Mr. Ballard and
                      his family currently are relocating to
                      Washington, D.C. to manage all of these programs
                      from a central office. It is difficult to
                      predict how well the Institute will succeed at
                      maintaining the integrity of Ballard's intensive
                      one-on-one approach and at requiring hard
                      virtues of outreach specialists in distant
                      cities.

                      Divorce: Life Without Father Hits the Middle
                      Class

                      But escalating rates of illegitimacy tell only
                      half of the story. There is more than one way to
                      grow up without a father. An estimated one
                      million children each year go through the
                      divorce or separation of their parents. Although
                      the rate has fallen somewhat since its peak in
                      the early 1980s, the last three decades have
                      seen the divorce rate in America triple.

                      Divorce has a profound impact on child
                      well-being. Children of divorce, along with
                      their mothers, almost always suffer
                      economically. Fathers typically see their
                      financial position improve somewhat after
                      divorce. But even if child support arrangements
                      were perfectly equitable, women and children
                      would still suffer economically from a family
                      breakup. The crucial fact is that very few men
                      have the financial wherewithal to support two
                      households, particularly if they later remarry
                      and father more children. In the overwhelming
                      majority of cases, single mothers will always
                      have to work full time while struggling to care
                      for their children alone.

                      More surprising, however, is the extent and
                      duration of emotional damage suffered by these
                      children. Only in cases involving physical
                      violence do children show signs of relief over
                      family breakupeven when the parents'
                      relationship was an unhappy one.18 The
                      California Children of Divorce Study has
                      documented elevated levels of depression,
                      underachievement, and difficulty maintaining
                      stable love relationships into adulthood.

                      Mary and the Legacy of Divorce

                      This weekend Mary is helping her stepmother with
                      a birthday party for her nine-year-old
                      stepsister. Mary, a white, 28-year-old woman,
                      lives in a Washington, D.C. surrounded by close
                      friends. She holds a master's degree from a
                      private university. She is passionate about her
                      faith and her social work. And she has a
                      tendency to take in strays.

                      She sees her father and stepmother regularly,
                      but having a relationship of any kind with her
                      father came with difficulty. Her younger brother
                      Mark remains bitter. They both were too young to
                      remember their parents' divorce. But they
                      remember what came afterward: isolation,
                      poverty, humiliation, even physical danger. They
                      knew that everyone else in their family was
                      middle class and upper middle class but they
                      were poor.

                      After the divorce, Mary and Mark moved to the
                      West Coast with their mother, Linda, to be
                      closer to her family. They moved into a
                      townhouse after a short stay with Mary's
                      godparents. A neighbor took care of the kids
                      during the day while Linda finished Montessori
                      training. Even with Papa, Linda's father, paying
                      rent, "we ate peanut butter and jelly every
                      day," remembers Mary. "But at least there we
                      knew people. We had friends."

                      Because Linda desperately needed a better paying
                      job, the threesome moved when an offer came from
                      a small town in the southwest. That is when
                      things really fell apart. They had no money, no
                      friends, and the local Methodist church made it
                      clear that they were not welcome. Linda was
                      shocked. After all, she hadn't wanted the
                      divorce. She had been abandoned with two small
                      children.

                      Destitute in a town far from anyone they knew,
                      Linda worked two jobs, and sometimes three, to
                      make ends meet. During that time, both Mary and
                      her little brother were abused by strangers.
                      There was simply no one to protect them.

                      For all this, Mary and Mark can still be
                      considered fortunate. They lived in a relatively
                      stable single-parent home. There was no
                      revolving door ushering new members into their
                      "family," and old ones out. Nevertheless, they
                      moved every year until Mary was seven. Like most
                      divorced mothers, Linda was constantly forced to
                      move for better jobs or cheaper housing. New
                      friendships that might have grown into a
                      valuable support system for Linda and the
                      children were continually severed. "Dad was not
                      in the picture at all then," says Mary. He had
                      remarried and moved East. They met him for the
                      first time at the instigation of their new
                      stepmother, Joan, when Mary was seven. After
                      that, they went to visit on an annual vacation.
                      "Joan really tried hard. But it was always stiff
                      and awkward."

                      Then Linda got a job in a large city nearby.
                      Because she would be teaching in a public
                      school, she would be drawing a larger paycheck.
                      Both Linda and the children were happy to be
                      leaving after two years. It had seemed an
                      eternity. As they moved into their new
                      apartment, things looked up for the first time.
                      But soon, the school board realized that Linda
                      had not completed a course in state history. She
                      kept her jobbut lost half her salary. Their car
                      was repossessed. And again they were forced to
                      move, this time into a smaller apartment shared
                      with someone who delivered newspapers with Linda
                      in the early morning. "Nothing had prepared Mom
                      to be poor, and she didn't know how to do it,"
                      Mary says. "On payday she would go out and spend
                      all of the money on food. By the third week of
                      the month, the food would run out and there was
                      just nothing to be done about it."

                      Finally Linda completed the state history course
                      and her full salary was reinstated. Most
                      importantly, they found a church that wanted and
                      welcomed them. It was a large, affluent
                      Methodist church. From that day on, they were
                      never truly hungry again. Groceries arrived when
                      they were needed. No name, no notejust food.
                      Anyone could see that they were poor. But now
                      someone was paying enough attention to know when
                      they were desperate.

                      The youth ministers took Mary and Mark under
                      their wings. They frequently called the children
                      at home and they discretely provided money to
                      include them in youth activities. Likewise, the
                      adults of the church went out of their way to
                      give time and attention to the kids and to
                      Linda. According to Mary, "Mom needed men to
                      talk to. Mark was growing up, and she just
                      didn't know what to do with him." He had never
                      known adult men and it was beginning to show.
                      There were constant school and discipline
                      problems.

                      Despite Linda's efforts, and the church's
                      support, both kids were falling in with bad
                      crowds. When Mary finished junior high, she
                      asked to go to a private school. "I didn't like
                      what my friends were doing, but they were my
                      friends. I needed to break away." So Mary worked
                      during the summer and with Linda's help saved
                      enough money to attend a Catholic girls school.
                      Mary suspects that her grandparents helped.
                      Still, the high tuition returned the family to
                      hardship. So Mary wrote her father, who came
                      through. "He was always more willing to help
                      with me than with Mark."

                      Mary and Mark were fortunate in several ways.
                      Unlike most children in a single-parent
                      household, Mary and Mark both attended good
                      schools and completed college, even if they were
                      not eating well. And both have managed to avoid
                      the most disturbing social ill traceable to
                      father absence: crime. But Mary is the first to
                      admit: "I don't trust men. I can't do it." Last
                      year, she left a job she liked in part because
                      she was unable to communicate with her male
                      boss. "I should have stood up for myself. And I
                      know I wasn't playing the role he wanted me to
                      play in the firm. But I just couldn't confront
                      him."

                      Mark has not begun to recover. Mary says, "He
                      simply cannot form friendships with normal men.
                      And he dates mean, manipulative girls who
                      completely envelop him. If they don't mistreat
                      him, he leaves. He is in his mid-twenties now. I
                      don't know what will happen to him." Moreover,
                      neither Mark nor his father have attempted to
                      form a relationship. Since graduating from
                      college Mark has drifted aimlessly. Although he
                      is not lazy, he works only sporadically. Unable
                      to form stable relationships, he treats even his
                      job as just another transitory experience.

                      Mary and Mark exemplify the catch-22 of divorce.
                      Mark clearly needed his father, and perhaps he
                      would have benefited from a stepfather in the
                      house. But children, especially girls, often
                      find themselves in an adversarial relationship
                      with their stepfathers, competing for the time
                      and affection of their mothers. As Barbara Dafoe
                      Whitehead reports, "In general the evidence
                      suggests that remarriage neither reproduces nor
                      restores the intact family structure.... Indeed,
                      children living with stepparents appear to be
                      even more disadvantaged than children living in
                      a stable single-parent family."19 Too often, the
                      additional time and income available to adults
                      who remarry is not invested in the children.

                      National Fatherhood Initiative

                      The National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) hopes
                      to take a comprehensive look at the issue of
                      fatherlessness. As Mary's experience indicates,
                      the problems of growing up fatherless are not
                      limited to urban, black neighborhoods. They are
                      not even limited to the poverty most divorced
                      women and their children suffer. There are
                      unforeseeable consequences for children who know
                      that their father chose not to live with their
                      mother even though it meant he would not live
                      with them. The drama, scope, and gravity of
                      fatherlessness in the inner city make it a
                      social problem of greater urgency. But surely we
                      should not expect poor minorities to live by
                      standards set, but not lived, by policymakers in
                      the suburbs.

                      As Commissioner on Children, Youth and Families
                      in the Bush Administration, Dr. Wade F. Horn
                      began speaking in 1991 on the importance of
                      fathers and of the two-parent family for child
                      development. At first he says, "People would
                      stand up and leave the room." They aren't
                      leaving anymore. Last year, Don Eberly,
                      president of the newly-formed National
                      Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), asked Dr. Horn to
                      serve as the group's director. Conceived as a
                      research and education organization, NFI
                      recently began to accept individual memberships.
                      "We were constantly getting phone calls from men
                      who had seen us speak or read an article. They
                      wanted to know how to join, and we just got
                      tired of telling them they couldn't."

                      The message that played so badly four years ago
                      but is drawing crowds today is a simple one.
                      According to Dr. Horn, "The two-parent family is
                      not just different, which is what everyone used
                      to say. The two parent family is better. Even if
                      everyone can't have that, we need the ideal. I
                      never make this a moral argument. There is
                      plenty of empirical evidence." NFI has worked to
                      see that the evidence is given a public hearing.

                      "We have to get rid of the myth of the
                      superfluous father," says Horn. "A man's worth
                      as a father is independent of his economic
                      status. Fathers should not be judged by the size
                      of their wallets. And we should not be trying to
                      make men into assistant mothers. Fathers play a
                      unique and irreplaceable role in the lives of
                      their children."

                      The masculine role in nurturing children is not
                      widely appreciated because it does not fit into
                      the modern definition of paternal love. Fathers
                      and mothers relate differently to their
                      children. Fathers tend to encourage their
                      children to strive for excellence. They push
                      their children to be successful. And they are
                      quick to offer guidance and support. Because
                      fathers demand the best from their children,
                      they are pivotal in character formation.

                      Fathers also tend to spend more time playing
                      with their children. Because their play is more
                      physical than mothers', from team sports to
                      horseplay around the house, it becomes an
                      important factor in teaching children when and
                      how to take risks. According to NFI literature,
                      "This is a perfect example of how fathers and
                      mothers together form a terrific parenting team.
                      Father encourages risk taking. Mother encourages
                      caution. Together, they give the child a perfect
                      message: try new things; use judgement; if you
                      get hurt or fail, we are here to comfort you."

                      According to Horn, it is very important that
                      Americans realize that "men are very unlikely to
                      be committed and responsible fathers in the long
                      term outside of marriage." If a child's parents
                      are not married, even men who try hard to be
                      good fathers tend to disappear from their
                      children's lives after the first
                      two-and-a-half-years. But children need the love
                      and support of their fathers for more than just
                      a couple of years. Moreover, fathers who develop
                      visiting relationships with their children
                      cannot replace full-time parents.

                      Early in his career as a clinical psychologist,
                      Horn observed that it was not unusual for child
                      psychologists to believe that they were more
                      important to the children they treated than
                      parents. "I remember thinking that I must have
                      been absent on the day they handed out the magic
                      wands. There was no way that I, with all of my
                      expertise, could do for a child in a couple of
                      hours a week what the commitment of the parents
                      could do. In my experience, most parents were
                      genuinely trying to do what was best for their
                      children."

                      "The experts tend to get very caught up in the
                      minutia of what parents must do with their
                      children at six months, eight months, two years.
                      And they predict terrible consequences if their
                      plan isn't followed to the letter. Actually, in
                      nearly every case, fathers just need a few
                      general principles. They can work out the
                      application for themselves."

                      The three principles Dr. Horn tries to convey to
                      fathers can be summed up as time, commitment and
                      responsibility. Love covers a multitude of sins.
                      And Dr. Horn believes that if fathers are true
                      to these three principles, everything else can
                      be worked out.

                      Time: For the last two decades, experts have
                      said that parents could get away with spending
                      very little time with their children, as long as
                      it was "quality time." Dr. Horn says, "This was
                      a wonderful salve for parental guilt, but a
                      lousy way to rear children." Fathers should
                      spend plenty of time with their children. What
                      families do together is less important than
                      their spending time together.

                      Commitment: A man must be committed to his
                      marriage; and he must keep his commitments to
                      his children. Commitment shows up in little ways
                      every day. If you tell your child that you are
                      going to do something, stick to that commitment.
                      More than anything, you show commitment by
                      spending time with your children. Fathers should
                      be willing to work as hard at their families as
                      they do at their careers.

                      Responsibility: A father's primary
                      responsibilities include insuring that his
                      children are well fed, safely housed, and
                      clothed. In addition, he should teach them good
                      manners and self-discipline. How these matters
                      are handled is best determined by each couple
                      according to its circumstances. But a father
                      should not blame someone else if his children
                      are unsupervised, ill-mannered, or not eating
                      properly.

                      NFI works to persuade Americans that Washington
                      policy formulas cannot solve the problems their
                      own families and communities face. NFI President
                      Don Eberly is quick to point out that government
                      policies alone, however worthy, will not rebuild
                      America's families. Consequently, the National
                      Fatherhood Initiative focuses primarily on
                      challenging, from the ground up, the idea that
                      fathers are dispensable.

                      In October of 1994, the Initiative convened the
                      first National Summit on Fatherhood, which is
                      planned as a bi-annual event. The Summit, held
                      in Dallas, Texas, featured board members David
                      Blankenhorn, actor James Earl Jones, Dr. Louis
                      Sullivan, former U.S. Secretary of Health and
                      Human Services, and congressman and former pro
                      football star Steve Largent. Vice President Al
                      Gore delivered one of the keynote addresses.
                      After the success of the Summit, NFI launched
                      the National Fatherhood Tour, featuring NFI
                      board chairman David Blankenhorn. The goal of
                      these tours is to promote grassroots efforts
                      dedicated to fostering fatherhood in local
                      communities.

                      Most recently, NFI has been accepted as a client
                      of the Ad Council and hopes to air its first
                      public service announcements in early 1996. This
                      year NFI published Father Facts, a monograph by
                      Dr. Horn which compiles the most compelling data
                      on fatherhood in a usable format.

                      NFI's actions at the community level will be
                      complemented by its most ambitious goal.
                      Although still on the drawing board, NFI hopes
                      to work in five pilot cities bringing local
                      leaders together to create a "father friendly
                      community." Two cities have already asked for
                      NFI's help.

                      Community leaders will be asked to sign a
                      statement supporting the importance of fathers,
                      and back up their commitment with three to five
                      specific actions supporting fatherhood in their
                      communities. The owner of a local radio station,
                      for example, might commit to airing public
                      service announcements. A business leader might
                      commit to respecting an employee's family
                      responsibilities and to encourage other
                      community businessmen to do likewise. The goal
                      is to have community members encourage one
                      another to meet family responsibilities and to
                      dispel the "myth of the superfluous father."

                      Vive La Difference

                      For 2,500 years, the Western philosophical
                      tradition has spoken on gender with one voice:
                      women and men share in all that is essential to
                      human nature. Differences, in this respect, are
                      less significant than similarities.
                      Nevertheless, those differences are immutable
                      and important for it is the differences between
                      women and men that form the basis of the family.
                      Rail against them, we may. Diminish their
                      importance, we certainly have tried; but
                      eliminate them, we cannot. Even the most savage,
                      totalitarian, Marxist regimes were reluctantly
                      forced to concede to human nature on this issue.
                      Through brutal repression families could be
                      distorted, but they could not be eliminated.

                      Failing to respect the differences and
                      complimentary nature of the sexes breaks down
                      the bonds of affection in the family. The
                      competitive rather than cooperative spirit it
                      sows has resulted in widespread mistrust within
                      an institution designed, among other reasons, to
                      promote the happiness of its members.

                      Those who see marriage as merely a contractual
                      agreement between consenting adults tend to view
                      with suspicion its restrictions upon individual
                      liberty. Even some who wish to defend the family
                      as necessary find themselves in the awkward
                      position of arguing that while a stable society
                      needs stable families, and stable families need
                      fathers, men may be happier outside of the
                      family.

                      However, the evidence suggests that the
                      bachelor's life is anything but carefree. As
                      George Gilder writes, "In general, compared to
                      others in the population, the single man is poor
                      and neurotic... disposed to criminality, drugs,
                      and violence. He is irresponsible about his
                      debts, alcoholic, accident prone, and
                      susceptible to disease."20 These qualities tend
                      to slough off quickly upon marriage, only to
                      reappear after the loss of a wife through death
                      or divorce.

                      In short, while men may be quite capable of
                      taking care of themselves, they tend to do so
                      only when they have families who need them.
                      Single men have almost twice the mortality rates
                      as married men.21

                      At the outset of the sexual revolution,
                      progressive pundits liked to say that the
                      institution of marriage, having outlived its
                      usefulness, was dying a natural death. But the
                      facts of life have not changed. Married men
                      still earn some 70 percent more than singles of
                      either sex.22 And, far from being a liberating
                      experience, single motherhood is the surest
                      route to poverty. In fact, 94 percent of the
                      AFDC (welfare) caseload is single-parent
                      families.23 Economically and socially, marriage
                      subsidizes a life support system for
                      "alternative families" because they have proven
                      too weak to survive on their own.

                      Nevertheless, a handful of radical feminists
                      argue that bringing men home will only make
                      matters worse for some women and children. This
                      undoubtedly is true but deceptive. It is like
                      banning penicillin because some people
                      experience a serious allergic reaction to it. It
                      makes the perfect the enemy of the good.
                      Unfortunately, it also is an indication of how
                      divorced some elements of the feminist movement
                      are from the actual experience of the large
                      majority of Americans. Finally, it demonstrates
                      the ability of a small, but well-organized
                      coalition to perpetuate a distorted view of
                      family life through its influence within the
                      academic community.

                      Responsible fatherhood may not be easy. But it
                      is natural. No twelve-step legislative program
                      is necessary for its recovery. The government
                      needs only to cease penalizing and discouraging
                      traditional families. Our cultural institutions,
                      with the help of human nature, can do the rest.

                      Half of anything is a lot. Half of all marriages
                      end in divorce. Half of all divorces involve
                      children. Half of America's children are growing
                      up with only half of their parents.24 Half of
                      the children who do not live with their fathers
                      have never even darkened his doorway. It is
                      increasingly clear that children who grow up
                      without their fathers don't stand half a chance.
                      -------------------------------------------------

                      PROMISE KEEPERS

                      Another group with a message for men is Promise
                      Keepers, and it has been packing football
                      stadiums all across the country. In May more
                      than 50,000 men paid $55 each to attend a
                      conference at RFK stadium in Washington, D.C.
                      Judging by the crowd, Promise Keepers appeals to
                      men of all races, professions, income levels,
                      and political inclinations. The message they
                      come to hear is that a "real man" worships God,
                      loves and respects his wife, and supports his
                      children. Eight more conferences are scheduled
                      through October 1995, and five of them are
                      already sold out. All are in major sports arenas
                      capable of holding large crowds.

                      Only the National Organization of Women could
                      possibly feel threatened by a group of men as
                      wholesome and diverse as the one gathered at
                      RFK. But, right on cue, NOW vice president
                      Rosemary Dempsey told the Washington Post that
                      Promise Keepers was promoting "a
                      not-very-well-cloaked misogynistic message."

                      Former University of Colorado football coach
                      Bill McCartney founded Promise Keepers in 1990.
                      In the past year, its staff and budget have
                      grown more than five-fold. McCartney's goal is
                      to reconnect men with religion and a moral life
                      by persuading them that men can and should be
                      masculine even as they worship God. Although the
                      organization requires no dues and is not
                      membership-driven, its program asks men to make
                      seven promises: to honor Jesus Christ; to have
                      close male friends; to practice spiritual,
                      moral, and sexual purity; to be faithful to wife
                      and children; to support the church; to defy
                      racial and denominational barriers; and to go
                      out and encourage the world to do the same.
                      -------------------------------------------------

                      For additional information please contact:

                      National Institute for Responsible Fatherhood
                      and Family Development
                      8555 Hough Avenue,
                      Cleveland, OH 44106
                      216/791-8336

                      Promise Keepers
                      P.O. Box 18376
                      Boulder, CO 80308-1376

                      National Fatherhood Initiative
                      600 Eden Road, Building E
                      Lancaster, PA 17601
                      717/581-8860
                      -------------------------------------------------

                      Notes

                      1.William Galston and Elaine Kamarck, "A
                      Progressive Family Policy for the 1990s," in
                      Mandate for Change (Berkeley Books, 1993).

                      2.Catechism of the Catholic Church, copyright:
                      U.S. Catholic Conference, Inc. (Vatican City,
                      Libreria Editerice Vaticana, 1994).

                      3. National Health Interview Survey, U.S.
                      Department of Health and Human Services
                      (Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health
                      Statistics, 1988).

                      4.William J. Bennett, The Index of Leading
                      Cultural Indicators (Washington, DC: published
                      jointly by Empower America, The Heritage
                      Foundation, and Free Congress Foundation; Vol.
                      I, March 1993).

                      5.State of Virginia, Final Report of the
                      Governor's Commission on Citizen Empowerment,
                      December, 1994.

                      6."Just the Facts: A Summary of Recent
                      Information on America's Children and their
                      Families" (Washington, DC: National Commission
                      on Children, 1993).

                      7.Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, "Dan Quayle Was
                      Right" (The Atlantic Monthly, April, 1993), p.
                      47.

                      8.State of Virginia, page 8.

                      9.Allen Beck, Susan Kline, and Lawrence
                      Greenfield, "Survey of Youth in Custody, 1987"
                      (U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice
                      Statistics, September, 1988).

                      10.Nicholas Davidson, "Life Without Father,"
                      Policy Review, Winter, 1990.

                      11.Dewey Cornell, et al., "Characteristics of
                      Adolescents Charged with Homocide," Behavioral
                      Sciences and The Law, No. 5, (1987), pp. 11-23.

                      12.Elaine Kamarck and William Galston, Putting
                      Children First: A Progressive Policy for the
                      1990s (Washington, D.C.: Progressive Policy
                      Institute, September 1990).

                      13.U.S. Department of Health, Vital Statistics
                      of the U.S. 1991 Volume 1: Natality (Washington
                      D.C: Government Printing Office, 1993).

                      14.Whitehead, p. 62.

                      15. Charles Murray, "The Coming White
                      Underclass," Wall Street Journal, October 29,
                      1993.

                      16.Charles A. Ballard, "Prodigal Dads: How We
                      Bring Fathers Home to their Children," Policy
                      Review, Winter 1995.

                      17.Ibid.

                      18.J. Wallerstein and J. Kelly, "Surviving the
                      Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with
                      Divorce," (1980) p. 53.

                      19.Whitehead, p. 71.

                      20.George Gilder, Men and Marriage (Gretna, LA:
                      Pelican Publishing Co., 1986). pp. 61-62.

                      21.Gilder, p. 65.

                      22.Gilder, p. 63.

                      23.Wade F. Horn's "Statement before a Joint
                      Hearing of the Ways and Means Committee,
                      Subcommittee on Human Resources, and the
                      Education and Economic Opportunities Committee,
                      Subcommittee on Early Childhood, Youth and
                      Families," (U.S. House of Representatives,
                      February 3, 1995.

                      24. Blankenhorn, p. 80. In postwar America,
                      fully 80 percent of America's children lived
                      with both of their married, biological parents.
                      Today, the figure is just 57.7 percent who live
                      with both biological parents, regardless of
                      marital status. Projections forecast that
                      children born in the 1990s will have only about
                      a 40 percent chance of reaching age 18 living
                      with both of their parents.

                      Gwen Purtill is managing editor of Crisis
                      Magazine; Patrick Purtill is a fundraising
                      consultant. They live in Arlington, Virginia.