Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    Lenny,
    
    Read the NCP files. There are lots of good ideas about the game in
    there. Like sending her ballons, a 'T' shirt that says 'I love my Dad'
    on it. Stuff like that. Good luck its a tuff game to play. 

    I would encourage you to continue to write to your daughter.  Are you
    sure the letters aren't being intercepted by your soon to be ex?  The
    balloons are a wonderful idea!  As for a t-shirt I'd suggest "Daddy's
    little girl" with her favorite motif airbrushed on it.  
    
    It's very important to continue your efforts to communicate with her
    even if she doesn't respond.  She needs to know you love her just as
    much as you do.  Since she's 15 I would strongly suggest you have an
    adult conversation with her, letting her know what your thoughts and
    feelings were about the break up, not just "it didn't work out".  If
    you have to do this is a letter, so be it.  Remember you already had
    the decision made before you started the proceedings.  She probably
    didn't see or realize what led to the decision.
    
    I hope she hears you.
    Tami                                           

    Yes, yes, yes!  Continue to write to her and tell her you love her. 
    Even if she doesn't understand now exactly what's going on or why
    things are happening the way they are, someday she will -- and knowing
    you love her will make her tough times a lot easier.
    
    I'm sorry you have to go through this.
    
    -Janice

    You can get a court order to have her see you in councling too. It
    might help. Agian, it might not. BUT!! It will get you started in
    paving the ruff road. 
    
    I have had an aquaintence, who had moved to
    Alaska in the early 70's. Married, had a child, she was 15 at the time
    of their divorce. She had taken her life. Not all 15 year olds are
    gonna do this, but it would be smarter to get her to councle than to
    risk it as an out come. 
    
    Good luck.
    
    George 

    Re: -1
    I am sure this is not what the basenoter wants to hear right now.
    I divorced in '80 and had three daughters by then. I continued to see
    them every weekend, bought bunk beds for their bedroom in my new house
    and continued to be an influence in their lives. Today, all three are in
    college, no drugs, pregnancies, etc. Just great young women!  
    
    I strongly advise you to communicate (phone, at school, whatever) with
    her. We divorce our spouse, not our children.

    I agree with George, run, don't walk to the NCP file.  There is lots of
    wonderful information in there.  
    
    I agree with all the other noters to keep up the contact.  If her
    mother is intercepting the letters, etc.,  that could help you in the
    future.  Also, keep copies of everything you send her.  Copy your
    letters, cards, everything.  That way if she ever comes back and says
    your never tried to contact her, you can pull out the copies and show
    her that you did.  
    
    You  have my support.
    
    Karen

    Lenny,
    
    I don't understand why you haven't seen your daughter??  If you are 
    sending letters and not getting any response why aren't you knocking
    on her door?  Please go and see her and let her know how much you
    love her.  And make solid plans with her to continue your relationship.
    
    My father has told me about how he tried to maintain open lines
    of communication, and how he tried to get custody, and how my
    mother stood in his way etc, however I don't believe him.  He was 
    only a 40 minute drive from where I lived and yet I didn't see 
    the man between the ages of 8 and 16.  If he was so intent on 
    seeing me, why didn't he?  Needless to say, the relationship can
    never be what I would like it to be for the above and many other
    reasons.
    
    Take it from someone who knows, NOW is the time to set things straight
    with your daughter.  Even if she doesn't want to see you, you should
    still make the effort.  Sooner or later she will come around, and
    she will appreciate your past efforts.  If she isn't aware of your
    insistence to see her, you won't be able to undue the damage to your
    relationship and her self esteem in the future.
    
    
    Good luck,
    Shirley
    

    
    re .7
    
    THANK YOU for saying that. I recently dated someone who certainly
    seemed to love his daughter, but never saw her, stopped writing,
    stopped calling... and after a while, asked me to stop talking about
    it. I could not understand why he wasn't making any more effort, and I
    began to think less of him because of it...
    
    I mention my experience simply to say that from the outside, its VERY
    difficult to understand the obstacles... equally, as a daughter, it
    can also be impossible to understand. Luckily, I saw my dad as
    often as I wanted to. I think that's what every child deserves.
    
    I'm going to assume that you've never done anything in your life to
    alienate or abuse your daughter. Therefore, if it takes going to court
    to see your daughter, I suggest you go to court. Your daughter may
    NEVER believe that you "tried", since she will only see your success.
    Remember that when you start thinking about giving up before you see
    her. Two-way communication is the ONLY kind that you can trust. Make it
    happen any way you can.

    
    I agree - go and see her or phone her up.  It may be worth trying to
    ascertain whether your soon-to-be ex is trying to poison your
    daughter's mind against you.  If she is very bitter about the split she
    could be spinning your daughter all sorts of stories about you which
    will not be disproved unless you make the effort to talk to her in
    person and show her that you love her and are a "good guy".
    
    My parent's divorce was so amicable that my sister and I had no idea
    there was anything wrong until my Dad moved out ... it was hard that
    way but better than having to listen to arguments and watch the gradual
    deterioration of the marriage.  Neither parents ever said a bad word
    against the other and we saw our Dad as much as we liked.  Twelve years
    later it's still that way.
    
    Let us know how you get on.
    
    Sam