Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Just out of curiosity, are you perhaps between the ages of 35 and 45?

-Jack

    Spending a year evaluating my life is not something I can conceive
    of. I am after all not a stranger to myself. All sorts of things
    *in* my life are evaluated as appropriate but not my life itself.

    Priorities and circumstances change and I change to adapt but a 
    formal and total evaluation of my life could never happen in normal
    circumstances. If for example I suffered a major disability involving
    loss of use of a sense or a limb that would not be sufficient to
    require a major re evaluation of my life. It would take something more.
    A disability would only effect relatively minor parts of my life.

    Nothing would have changed morally or spiritually, the value of family
    would be the same, the purpose of my life would be the same (though the
    activities I took to fulfill that purpose may change), and on. These
    are all things I learned as a child and developed and internalized over
    the years.

    			Alfred

    Good guess, 36 to be exact. I never looked on this as a mid-life
    crisis though it would probably fit the mold. It seems to me that
    just about every 7 years I find myself evaluating myself with a 
    great sense of purpose/need. Though this year was very trying
    positive results are starting to show from what I have been
    through. I think 92 will be a great year because of 91.
    
    			-Jim-

    re: .3
    
    But you didn't get a divorce every 7 years.  Yes, I think you just
    had a mid-life crisis.  You seem to be stronger for it, as, apparently,
    most usually are.  I'm not done with mine yet.  I'll let you know.
    
    					- Vick

    >I'm not done with mine yet.
    
    Which? Your divorce or your mid life crisis??
    

    PUUUULLLEEEEEEZE!  Don't get me into trouble.  I mean with my mid-life
    crisis.  I have reasonable expectations that my marriage will survive
    the affliction.
    						- Vick

    Sorry Vick, didn't mean to cause heart burn or other pangs. 

    Alfred,
    One of the things I have learned is what is developed when you are 
    a child can be changed as an adult, but first you have to understand
    your childhood. As childhood's go I had a good one, but there
    were things I learned by asking questions of my family that I
    had never asked before. 
    
    I also didn't think I was a stranger to myself but I have learned
    so much more about myself during this period. Maybe there are
    answers to questions and then there are the real answers to the
    same questions. When you start stripping away the filters sometimes
    the truth hurts and sometimes it feels very good, but it is
    better for me to know the truth regardless of how it make me feel.
    
    			-Jim-

    Jim,

    	Did this process change anything major quickly? I tend to see
    life as a gradual evolution of the major things and quick changes
    only of minor things. Someone said "the unexamined life is not
    worth living." This rings true if the examination is continual
    throughout life. This is why I have trouble with a one year period
    I think. It's too long for the small things and decades too short
    for the big ones.

    			Alfred

Jim,

Are you interested in hearing from women too ?

Wendy
(several times re-evaluated and come out stronger and wiser for it)

    Wendy,
    
    I would love to hear from women.
    
    		-Jim-

    Alfred,
    
    I have been examining my life since I can remember, especially
    the question of "why am I here". For some reason(s)1991 seemed
    to be the most trying. What Vick has said about this being a 
    mid-life crisis may be part of this. After all, at 36 I am 
    half way through my life span. But the questions I asked myself
    this year have been asked throughout my life. It just may be that
    this was the first year I really knew the answers.
    
    			-Jim-

    Jim,
    
    Was the divorce a product of this self-evaluation?  The cause of it? 
    Coincident to it?
    
    Was the self-evaluation something that just seemed to happen of its 
    own accord (the time was right and you found yourself in introspective
    mode) or something formal that you planned ("in 1991 I'm gonna pull off
    the main road and enter therapy)?
    
    Leslie

    Leslie,
    
    This was totally unplanned. I thought I was so happy but little
    cracks in the armor started showing up. Both my wife and I had
    attended graduate school after marriage and were doing well in
    our careers. We had a nice house and two cars and a dog, very
    typical I guess. 
    
    One of the things I started wanting was a family, something my
    wife was not into. When we got married 8 years ago neither of
    us wanted children, but I changed, or maybe my values changed.
    
    Gradually over the last year I could feel needs that were not
    being met and I saw the future as not as bright as it could
    be. I either had to change to continue to struggle with myself.
    My marriage was one part of this change. Many other things have
    changed too. On the bright side my ex-wife and I are still friends.
    She realized that our future was better apart then together but
    it took her longer to see this. We used one lawyer for the divorce
    and settled all of our differences by ourselves. I still consider
    myself lucky to have spent so much time with her, but I know that
    by making some tough choices I will be better off. The agony and
    pain and questioning during this period of time is something I 
    will never forget though.
    
    			-Jim-

    Jim, thank you for answering.  Your story is downright inspirational,
    reminds me that people _can_ stay balanced and civil to each other in
    the midst of personal turmoil.  (I think it's rare, though.) 
    Congratulations and best wishes - sounds like you've done and are doing
    your best to be an "impeccable warrior" (ref. the Carlos Castaneda
    books).
    
    Leslie

    RE: .0
    
    Hi Jim, your courage is admirable, and you sir are a Prince!
    
    My first self-inventory was almost six years ago and it was
    very troublesome. I discovered so many things about me at that
    time,that almost made me give up the ghost
    
    Since 1985, the taking of a self-inventory has become something
    of a holiday for me, not in the sense that I celebrate but from the
    standpoint that it's coming and I have to do it.
    It is however never, never, easy to do!
    
    Finding character flaws and saying honestly, yes it exists in ME,
    is quite painful. Sharing those nuggets with others is jst as painful
    because of the vulnerability factor involved...and for a sensitive
    man like me, the risk is very HIGH
    
    I guess that I've never much enjoyed admiting my mistakes, or
    shortcomings or periods of poor judgment with others ... but
    it has become easier over the past couple of years because I've
    had the pleasure to meet some wonderful people like yourself who
    genuinely LISTEN which allows me to then focus on how to correct 
    these things; though painful and difficult to address; which
    bring such relief
    
    Stay in touch Jim
    
    chris