Conference quark::mennotes-v1

606.0. "All men are now illegal!" by BIGUN::SIMPSON (Myopically Enhanced Person) Sun Jun 23 1991 17:06

                WATCH OUT, GUYS, ALL MEN ARE NOW ILLEGAL

             by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist

           copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, June 23, 1991


        Ask yourself this question:  Are you a guy of the male gender? 
    If so, I advise you to report to prison immediately, because you
    are violating a federal law.

        I base this statement on a letter I got from alert reader
    Richard Watkins, M.D., who sent me a shocking medical document
    concerning the federal Anabolic Steroids Control Act.  Steroids,
    as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in
    an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles
    like the ones Michael Keaton wore in "Batman."  This is foolish,
    because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined
    muscles.  Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in
    body-building circles, as: "the newspaper columnist."  This is a
    softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic shape, similar to the one used
    in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon.  This physique has
    inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the
    name "Dockers" because it was not considered a shrewd marketing
    move to come right out and call them "Pants For The Bigger-Butted
    Man."

        But back to steroids:  They have bad side effects, although it
    took medical researchers many years to discover this.  They'd get
    a bunch of steroid users together and say, "OK, anybody having bad
    side effects, raise your hand!"  The steroid users would strain
    and grunt like water buffaloes in labor, but due to their extreme
    muscularity they couldn't raise their hands above their waists. 
    Many of them must press elevator buttons with their foreheads

        The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds
    of problems steroids were causing until one day when they happened
    to ask for oral responses.  Then they discovered the awful truth: 
    Steroids can cause men to develop *thick Austrian accents.*  This
    is what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was actually born
    and raised in Topeka, Kan., and spoke like a regular American
    until he used steroids to build his body up to the point where he
    was legally classified by the US Census Bureau as "construction
    equipment."

        Today, of course, Arnold is a steroid-free person with a
    successful career as a versatile film actor who has played a
    variety of roles, ranging from a large man with a thick Austrian
    accent who throws bad guys off apartment roofs, to a large man
    with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off *hotel
    roofs.*  He's also an active Republican and was recently appointed
    chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness in a
    moving Rose Garden ceremony that culminated in Arnold trowing Sen.
    Edward Kennedy off the White House roof.

        So anyway, the government is cracking down on steroids.  I
    thought this was a fine idea until I got Dr. Watkins' letter,
    which is written on a hospital physical-examination form, in the
    section headed "Chief Compaaint and Present Illness."

        "Here I am," Dr. Watkins writes, "sitting around in my doctor
    suit waiting for an emergency to happen, and suddenly I get a
    memo:  *On Feb. 27, 1991, testosterone was declared a controlled
    substance, like heroin."*

        My immediate reaction was to think that Dr. Watkins had been
    wearing his stethoscope way too tight.  But it turns out he's
    telling the absolute truth.  With his letter, he enclosed a
    document from the Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, listing
    various types of anabolic steroids now controlled by the federal
    government, and *testosterone* is on the list.  I swear I am not
    making this up.

        This is a big problem, because *many* guys, including several
    known Supreme Court members, are walking around with testosterone
    in their, um, possession.

        They can't help it.  As Dr. Watkins put it, in medical term-
    inology, testosternone is "a substance exuded by your you-know organs, 
    herein-after your Ralphs."

        In small quantities, testosterone produces only mild side
    effects, such as the inablility to stop pressing the channel-chang-
    ing button on the TV remote control. But at higher levels, testos-
    terone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds 
    being:
    	1. War
    	2. Do-it-yourself projects.

        It's a well-known fact that a male with even a moderate testos-
    terone level would rather drill a hole in his hand (which he prob-
    ably will) than admit, especially to his spouse, that he cannot do 
    something himself.  Put an ordinary male on the Space Shuttle, and 
    within minutes he'll be telling his spouse that by God he'll repair 
    the retro thruster modules, because if you call in NASA they'll just 
    charge you an arm and a leg.  I personally have destroyed numerous 
    perfectly good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone-induced 
    efforts to fix them up despite the fact that I have the manual dex-
    terity of an oyster.  Hundreds of years from now, archeologists 
    will look at my home-improvement projects and say, "This civiliza-
    tion was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster in-
    volving spackle."

        So we see that the criminalization of testosterone is a good
    thing.  I'm not sure how the authorities will enforce this law,
    but I imagine  they'll start by arresting those with obviously
    excessive testosterone levels, such as Warren Beatty, the National
    Hockey Leaugue, Bluto and Phyllis Schlafly.

        Eventually all of us guys will be arrested and placed in a
    rehabilitation program (motto: "Just Say No To Ralph") and they
    won't let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to
    hold a TV remote control in our hands and watch one show for
    *three consecutive minutes.*

    Yow! :)  :)  :)
    
    Thanks,
    aq
    

    No problem.  Where they gonna find enough testosterone-free
    people to arrest (and bring to trial) all us testosterone 
    junkies?
    
    Oh...   
    
    I get it.  It's the people who are pumping estrogen and
    progestin that are gonna do the arresting...
    
    
    Does this note belong in the "war" note?
    
    ;-)

    I read this to my wife yesterday... Dave Barry kills me.
    
    Getting semi-serious, I *do* believe that we are chemical soup, and
    that our behavior can change radically depending on te mix. Reference
    the "mood" note. I predict that there will someday exist toilets with
    chemical sensors built in, which do instantaneous analyses of various
    compounds and make appropriate pronouncements: "Your testosterone
    levels are peaking, Hoyt; you should meditate five minutes longer than
    usual, and you might try to go to bed at the same time as your wife
    (mechanical chuckle)."
    
    - Hoyt

      <<< Note 606.3 by PENUTS::HNELSON "Resolved: 184# now, 175# July" >>>

>    I read this to my wife yesterday... Dave Barry kills me.
    
>     I predict that there will someday exist toilets with
>    chemical sensors built in, which do instantaneous analyses of various
>    compounds and make appropriate pronouncements: 
    
>    - Hoyt

    Hoyt,

    (Tongue in cheek...) You obviously are NOT keeping up with modern 
plumbing fixtures......The Japanese have one or more toilets that already 
do a blood sugar level check on you and tell you the results....It is an 
all electronics model that gives you the benefit of a a toilet and bidet 
all in one, plus the "personal care" of a health care specialist to check 
on you as often as you need to use the facilities. I don't have the details 
but I recall reading something about this in one of mags, like Popular 
Mechanics a while ago.....

If Dave Barry ever sees that one, he'll have a field day with it!!! 8^)

PS: Smile for your new toilet folks....it probably responds to that, too!

    Vic

I almost bust a gut when I read this column in the Globe, and said to myself
that I *HAD* to put this into MENNOTES if someone else hadn't already.

One point that Barry missed was that women are "illegal" too, as they also
have some level of testosterone - but in most pre-menopausal women it is
masked by the estrogen.  Higher levels of testosterone in women can cause
physical changes such as facial hair and muscular development.

Still, it has to make you wonder....

			Steve

I wanted to correct an error in Dave's otherwise excellent piece. In the 
section:

>Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in body-building circles,
>as: "the newspaper columnist."  This is a softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic
>shape, similar to the one used in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon. 

Dave has obviously slipped up with his "newspaper columnist" body-type. He has
the appearence correct, and it is an easy mistake to make, since many
journalists ALSO sit in front of terminals all day. If fact, however, women
prefer the male physique known as "computer programmer"... or the still more
extreme variation that looks like a VW Microbus, the "software engineer." 

- Hoyt

>If fact, however, women
>prefer the male physique known as "computer programmer"... or the still more
>extreme variation that looks like a VW Microbus, the "software engineer." 

 Not "prefer," more like "tolerate when nothing better is around." :-)

    >If fact, however, women
    >prefer the male physique known as "computer programmer"... 
    >or the still more
    >extreme variation that looks like a VW Microbus, the "software
    >engineer."
    
    hmm.  I'm a woman.  I'm a software engineer.  So I look like a
    VM Microbus?  So I like other women who look like mini-vans?  My
    husband will be crushed.
    
    (I couldn't just let that slide by)
    Great article.  Really put a smile on my face!
    
    Rachael