Conference quark::mennotes-v1

There was a recent topic in WEDDINGS where the subject of bachelor parties
was discussed, but a general discussion here seems worthwhile.

One of the things I said in WEDDINGS was that many men are uncomfortable
with the stereotypical "last wild fling" type of party, and may even find
such offensive.   You know your friend well enough to know what he
would and would not like.  What you should be looking at is an enjoyable
time out with friends to help celebrate his upcoming marriage.  You
may not have to strain yourself coming up with "ideas".

				Steve

As I get married this Saturday I guess I can mention my B. Party....
The Best man and I went to London for a week and hit pub after pub after pub.
It was a great and unique Bachelor party!!!  We also did have a local party
for those that did not make it to London though.

Mark

(I'm in colorado btw)

	I wanted to do this for a buddy that got married.  He figured
	we'd all grab him and take him out to some sleazy joint
	with unclothed women, etc.

	So, I figured it would be neat to make him get dressed up
	in coat-and-tie, we'd all get "slciked up", as well, and
	take him to a really expensive restaurant, then a really
	upscale bar.

	Finally, we'd end the evening and just drop him off at his
	place.  The kink would be that he'd be looking over his
	shoulder all night for a stripper or something, that 
	would never materialize...

	But, I was out of town when they threw his party, and
	they did the usual....


	Steve H

The best "bachelor" party I ever went to was held indoors/outdoors, 
featured a barbeque, was attended by men and women (including bride, 
and family members), had a porno movie shown in the living room at 
about 11ish, and featured a "bet you can't make chile that would be 
too hot for me" bet between the groom and best man.  When it was 
finished, people who wanted to go out drinking went out for a few more 
drinks.

There was enough tradition to be fun.  It involved everyone.  It had 
both low-key and partying options for those attending.  Everyone was 
warned in advance about the porno movie; the guys laughed at it, while 
the women would venture through the room every once in a while to say 
"Ewwwwwww" (they were *very* slow walks through the room, though).

I had a great time.  The same couple also had the second best wedding 
reception I've ever been to.   

The only thing I would warn against is sending the groom off on some 
wild goose chase late at night.  I guess it is tradition in some areas 
to put the drunken groom on a train for Some-Far-Away-City and see if 
he can make it back in time for the wedding.  I think that part of the 
responsibility of the best man is to ensure that the groom makes it to 
the wedding (in fairly good condition).


							--Gerry

    When my ex boyfriend's brother got married here's what they did:
    
    I thought it was sort of neat, since most of the bachelor parties I've
    heard of were the standard sleaz-o-rama's, which I would have a probme
    with if I were getting married.  I could not stand the thought of the
    man I love consorting with a bunch of sleazy women and getting into
    trouble.  But that's beside the point!
    
    My ex is from Boston.  There is an unlimited choice of bars there ...
    what the guys did was rent a bus for the night.  The rented a hall for
    the first two hours with open bar and entertainment (I don't know what
    it was, though).  Then they all boarded this bus and the bus took them
    all over town and out of town -- wherever they wanted to go.  They
    ended up in New Hampshire.  This alleviated the drunk driving scenario. 
    The bus took them home and everyone passed out on the trip back.  Then
    they slept over the best man's house.
    
    Tammi

    My husband attended the B party of his future brother-in-law last 
    October.  He said it was the best one he had ever been too.
    
    The groom-to-be was from NY, so, the best-man (grooms brother) rented
    a bus and about 24 friends (men and women) came from NY.  The groom-to
    be lives in NH, so the guys started out with lunch and drinks at noon
    at a restaurant in NH (nice place, but not formal).  They then when
    to the horse races (I forget the name of the track) in NH.  My husband
    said they each spent about $25.00 betting, not alot, and most of the
    time just talking and laughing.  They around 6:30pm, they went back
    to the groom's place where the fiance, girlfriend, wives and SO's were
    and there was a big cookout with volleyball.  There was the standard
    adult movie for those who wanted to watch.  It was a day for the 
    groom-to-be and for the couple together.  Most of the men there said
    it was the best bachelor party they had ever been to!
    
    

    Is it too far off base to ask what a bachelor party is "for"?
    
    I never had one and went to only one, over thirty years ago,
    which seemed to be just a lot of wandering around Boston's
    combat zone.  (I was bored and terrified, simultaneously...)
    
    I know the stereotypes (get drunk, do crazy things, get laid,
    etc.)
    
    If it is my "last fling as a bachelor", does it mean
    that once married, I can never again attend someone else's
    bachelor party?
    
    It's really a big mystery to me.
    
    I can see getting together with friends and doing something
    that we all like to do, and the groom being the guest and
    not having to pay for anything.  A celebration of a huge
    change in the groom's life that is about to occur...  
    Is that it?  is there something else that I'm missing?
    
    Wil

    	We flew out to Atlantic city for a nite. and its NOT expensive
    	We left at 6 am and returned at 6pm !! A great time, plus while
        you are at the tables u drink free !!!!!
    
    	Lot of people are doing the Atlantic city thing, i dont gamble but
    	still went and had a great time !!
    
     	or u can rent a limo for the nite and barhop , this too is popular
    
    	Good luck !!!
    
           

    The night before I got married all my buddies and I got the key to the
    church gym and played basketball for hours. We had a great time and
    still talk about it 14 years later. We're a quiet bunch I guess.

    Lately in my family we've just had a bunch of guys over and had some
    food and soft drinks (for the most part we don't drink booze) and just
    talk. Well, we do grab the groom, remove his shirt, and write graffiti
    all over him with magic marker. Usually the names of old girl friends
    and the like. Last time we did this we then took the groom over to the
    Bride's party so she could see him. She had a lot of fun asking about
    various names. :-)

    			Alfred

    My brother wanted to throw rice and bread at the Rocky-Horra-Picture
    Show. My-My-My! Some very strange things went on in that theater!!! 
    I had lots of fun in a food fight with the gang and singing, dancing
    and having a wild time. NO! I did not dress up for the show! :-)
    
    Mine was the traditional drive and dive. Didn't want to touch any of
    the local tallent. Just watched and had a beer. :-)
    
    George

    I helped with a bachelor party about six months ago, the best man
    rented a van and needed a designated driver.  I took the other guys
    around to 5 different bars, all except one upscale, decent places.
    The best man passed out cigars, we had more refreshments (chips and
    dips and sodas and such) in the van for in-between bar snacking.  I
    had a fantastic time while they all got rather drunken.  We ended at
    the best man's condo, and they all trooped upstairs to watch porn
    while I hosed out the van (yes, the cigars were a bit much on top of
    the beer and tequila, for some of them.)  The best man ended up
    shampooing the van carpets before he dared turn it in the next day.
    Served him right ;-).  The groom, fortunately, wasn't to be married for
    another week, because he had a rough night of it, and still looked a
    bit green when I next saw him about 6pm the following day.
    
    DougO

    inre women and one request of the night before...
    
    well actually the one has subsets...
    
    *Make sure he arrives at church awake, and sober*
    
    don't drink too much, no funny tricks with trains and busses
    or stolen car keys....
    
    
    and I guess a second...
    
    *don't* mess up the car!
    
    and maybe, discourage them from the nouveou 'tradition' of
    slamming cake in each other's faces..
    
    that is *so* gross...
    
    BJ

    Re: .8
    
    I think that the "traditional" bachelor party stems from the
    sterotypical notion that the man needs to have his "one last
    fling of freedom" before the ball and chain of marriage is
    attached to his neck.  To this, I'd say "If the man doesn't
    want to be married, then why is he getting married?"  I find
    this whole concept offensive.
    
    I think something such as Alfred experienced is what I'd like
    to see instead - friends getting together to help celebrate
    the man's present and future happiness.  This "drink till you
    puke and go leer at strippers" stuff is for sitcoms.
    
    					Steve

    
    thats not it at all. 
    
    its really an archaic passage into manhood celebration,
    where the celebrants express their jealousy of the grooms
    passage into the wedded bliss state...
     

Actually I'd merge the two preceding descriptions; to some extent, one
expects marriage to only happen once in a person's life (std disclaimer)
and some ceremonial rite of passage may well reflect some psychological
need for connection with other men before the man goes off to the big 
tent to get married.  We don't need to exagerate quite so much as with
Steve's ball and chain nor with Robert's envy, but a middle ground of some
acknowledgement that the man is changing his life and participating in
the societal institution of marriage can be the background theme.  Now
its unfortunate that our culture has trained men to control and suppress
their emotions so severely that it requires alcohol binging to release us
to share some form of solidarity and heart-to-heart discussions, and of
course for some the alcohol takes over and becomes the focus.  I see that
as a limitation of the cultural matrix in which we find ourselves, and I
prefer not to let it rule me.  When I participate in a bachelor party, I'm
there because the groom is a friend of mine and he's making a big change
in his life; and I'm there to celebrate the passage.

DougO

    Re: last.
    
    I agree with your view of bachelor parties.  I was particularly
    struck by this comment:
    
    > Now its unfortunate that our culture has trained men to control and
    > suppress their emotions so severely that it requires alcohol binging
    > to release us to share some form of solidarity and heart-to-heart
    > discussions, and of course for some the alcohol takes over and becomes
    > the focus.
    
    I guess that's why I find bachelor parties a crashing bore.  The event
    could be a riotous and siginifcant rite-of-passage, with alcohol as an
    option. But in my experience, it feels like going out with a gang of
    high school sophomores with the keys to Dad's car and liquor cabinet.
    If there were some small strain of reality and humanity in the event,
    I'd enjoy them much more.  As bachelor parties go, I find myself look-
    ing my watch before too long.
    
    LArry
    
    PS: I realize I'm generalizing but, golly, I do it so often and so
    well ...  
    

Since the negatives are represented, I think I'll present a positive 
view.

I have always liked bachelor parties.  (Though, as a disclaimer, I've 
never been to an out-of-control, drinking and screwing party.)  

I like them because, as is often the case, I have a different 
relationship with the groom than I do with the bride (and vice versa). 
For example, I was friends with my best-friend-from-college, Jim, for 
7 years before he got married; I knew his bride, Cathy, for a few 
years, and, although we were friends, we were not very close friends.

The bachelor party gave me a chance to spend time with my close friend 
and to celebrate our unique friendship.  It gave me an opportunity to 
reflect on our friendship and for me to wish him well in a more 
personal way than I could the next day at the wedding.  It could not 
have been done in exactly the same way if Cathy had been there, 
because then it would have been about "Gerry's relationship with Jim 
and Cathy."  

The next day at the wedding, Jim and Cathy were too busy to spend time 
with them.  Also, the wedding day was about "Jim and Cathy," whereas 
the bachelor party was about "Jim."  

Is it the same with me and women?  Yes.  When my friend Georgianne got 
married, I treasured spending time with her on the night before the 
wedding, talking, reflecting, celebrating the impending event--a 
little bit--just among us.  I didn't know the groom, Steve, that well, 
and I didn't want to spend time with the both of them that night.  
Giving Georgianne and Steve attention as a couple on the wedding day 
was enough for me, in regard to how well I knew Steve.  I am only now, 
years later, developing a distinct relationship with Steve, though 
it is still tightly linked to Georgianne.

The showers and bachelor parties serve as a reflecting point for 
relationships that don't necessary translate from one member of the
couple to the other.   People have relationships with the bride, with
the groom, and with the couple; all are unique, and all must be worked
separately, IMO, in order to grow. 

I like showers and bachelors parties.

							--Gerry

    Without sounding *Egotistical*; The best bachelor party that I have
    ever attended was the one I threw...I rented a cabin, near a fairly
    large body of water, and away from everything.  It was great!!
    Didn't have to about drinking and driving..No where to go..Didn't need
    to worry about the noise...Nobody to bother...AND GREAT FISHING!!!
    No nude bar scene; No SERIOUS cash outlay, and the bride didn't have to 
    worry about *HUBBY* bring home something other than fresh caught fish.
    
    Jeff

    The bachelor party is also a way for the group to acknowledge and
    farewell the loss of one of its members.  No matter how much one
    pretends otherwise when you get married you move from one sphere to
    another.  There's no better way to strain the marriage by trying to
    behave as you did before.

	A bachelor party is for laughs.  Mine was several days before
	the wedding.  It was at my house!  My best man showed up one
	night, with a six pack.  We drank that and he said let's go get
	more.  I opened the front door and there are six grinning fools
	standing there, and one of my friends dressed up like a baby
	(bonnet, pacifier, XXXXX-Large diaper, and that's all!) lying in
	a Safeway cart, crying, "Da-Da! Da-Da!"  (Turned out to be
	quite prophetic...)  We drank and played cards.  There was
	an X movie playing in the background, and every once in a 
	while someone would leap out of their chair to rewind it
	to some grotesque or ~hot~ section we'd missed.  Nobody
	blew chunks, nobody drove home wasted, and nobody had to
	work the next day.  I remember it fondly.  It wasn't a last
	fling, it was just some good friends.

	I've been to Bach-Parties at strip bars too, and we had fun
	without being ridiculous.  It all depends on who's attending.
	I agree it's important to consider the guests as well as
	the groom.

	-rick (still married and a proud father 4 yrs later)

    Believe me ... the bachelor party that I had following my divorce was
    a quantum leap above the one that I had before the wedding.

    Bubba

    Geez, what a crashing bore you guys all are!!  No imagination!  Nothing
    fun that didn't involve booze!  (Excuse me, fun IMHO :-)...   Except
    for the other extreme, going to London or Atlantic City..
    
    Check out my note in the previous string for some real FUN! (I think
    its 587.13..)
    
    Without patting myself on the back *TOO* hard, the idea of Jeopardy is
    still talked about at every bachelor party I go to with people that
    were there...  It was really a hell of a lot of fun!
    
    Go for it!  ('Course, we did other things, too, but was kind of the
    "focus" of the evening...)
    
    Dave

The best stag party I've been too...

The best man hired a canal boat on the Thames, picked up the groom saying they 
would just go for a quiet cruise with a few friends.

But, every couple of miles along the Thames they stopped to pick up a few more 
friends, until there were about twenty five of us! 

We found a riverside pub, got some food and spent the evening chatting to 
friends some of who hadn't been seen for months, then went back to the boat 
where most of us spent the night.

That was the Friday, Saturday we spent on the river -- messing about in boats,
all having a turn at steering the boat, that evening we all went to a friends 
house near the river for a house party - he runs a disco so his kit was all 
setup when we arrived.

Sunday we took the boat back and spent that evening in the arts centre 
where a couple of local bands were playing.

The stag had the week to recover and got married the following Saturday.

Nothing sordid or seedy, no-one got too drunk and a fun time was had by all!
Everything was organised for the stag, he paid for and decided nothing!

Have fun at your party!!
		Paul.

    Since he is a good friend and you have the time why not give him
    something something really memorable. The last birthday party I 
    put together (for my SO) took 8 months of planning. Your friends
    marriage is a major milestone in his life, something that will
    change his life forever. Why not put together a "this is your
    life" party with a roast indespersed. Tap his family and Fiance
    and other friends for people from his past,teachers,employers
    old friends etc to present. Use old pictures of him with humours
    anecdotes. The time he went on his first date, his high school
    graduation etc. Everyone will have a wonderful time marking your
    friends milestone without having to watch stupid films,getting
    drunk or catching any diseases....
    

Thanks for everybody's help so far!  But, I have to admit, it sounds
like my mother helped a few of you write your replies!

:-)

I don't think a walk on the wild side will offend my friend, but I'll
keep my eyes and ears open.  If the couple, or more specifically, my
friend, makes any specific requests, then I'll respect that.  In any
event, it won't be a "sleaz-o-rama" (See .6.), but some sleaze is
bound to ooze in.

I especially like the idea of renting a bus for a night of drinking
without driving, even if nobody gets totally wrecked.  Flying to
Atlantic City would be a lot of fun.  (This idea had crossed my mind,
too.)  Renting a cabin...hmmm...nice idea.

And, .13, as funny as it sounds to me, I promise I won't put the groom 
on a bus bound for Pago Pago.  Well, I sort of promise.

And the winner is...I don't know what we'll end up doing.  After 
all, it's still a year away.  But, my vote for most creative 
bachelor party element so far ...Jeopardy!  Answer:  This regurgitated meat
product had to be removed from the bachelor's beard before an embarrasing
encounter with a drive-thru bank teller.

Sorry, you'll have to wait until next year for the question.

>all, it's still a year away.  But, my vote for most creative 
>bachelor party element so far ...Jeopardy!  Answer:  This regurgitated meat
>product had to be removed from the bachelor's beard before an embarrasing
>encounter with a drive-thru bank teller.
>   
    
    Hey, thanks for the 'most creative' award, and it looks like you have a
    GREAT start!  I started collecting ideas about a week before, but if
    you have a whole YEAR, you ought to come up with some GREAT stuff! 
    Especially funny if you can get stuff from his parents about
    embarrassing childhood incidents that only HE would likely know about
    at the party!  (And you and his father, of course :-)

    One hint: WRITE THEM DOWN somewhere...   I forgot a beauty that I
    remembered the next day listening to the tape, and coulda kicked
    myself! :-)
    
>Sorry, you'll have to wait until next year for the question.
    
    You have to promise that if you get the package, you'll give us the
    answer :-)...   
    
    ML

    I recently gave a bachlorette party in Mar. and it was a screaming
    good time.  We decorated the house with Chippendale pictures, posters
    of men without shirts, the age old one of "All Men are Not Created
    Equal", hung condoms by the chimney with care, and blew them up with
    helium and let them float freely around the house.  For entertainment
    we bought an Adult Trivia game (very fun), We had a male blow up doll
    that had an oversized penis and it came with rings to try and throw
    around it, and yes we had the stripper.  The bride to be was a bit on
    the shy side so I made sure to tell the stripper that if she starts
    getting tense, leave her alone and dance for the other women.  His show
    was very tasteful and all the women had a blast.  It's just a tease,
    they don't have to strip down to the nude and do gross things.  This
    guy put on a great show and played a bunch of games with the ladies. 
    (also made over 150.00 bucks in tips that night).  That took up a very
    pleasant hour and a half.  Then we watched a porno cartoon (I wasn't sure
    if the women would enjoy a real one) the cartoon was an absolute riot. 
    If anyone hasn't seen one, they're great, we were rolling all over the
    floor laughing.  Then we called taxi's and hit the local country
    western bar for some beers and mechanical bull riding.  When we got
    back home around 2:00 we played poker for change until about 6:00 am.
    Most of these things I really feel were tasteful and fun, and you could
    do most of the same things for the men (only get the female blow-up or
    better yet the blow-up sheep for a joke).
               
    I think the important thing was to have lot's of bread type food to
    soak up the booze in everyone's stomache, and really go all out on
    being original for the decorations, it really makes the party one to
    remember.  It may be embarrassing walking into a porno shop, but we got
    some stuff there that was really funny.  
    
    Kel
    
    p.s. Always try to make sure that there's at least one sober person
         there to make rational decisions.  You don't want anyone doing
         anything in a drunker stuper that they're going to regret for
         the rest of their life. 

    
    Just wanted to add one more idea for batchelor parties:
    
    
    Paintball or the Survival Game.  Get a group of guys together and
    you spend a whole afternoon chasing each other around the woods
    and castles shooting each other with paint guns.  When you get hit
    you are "out" of that game.  A great thing to do during the afternoon
    and still have the entire night to talk about it during other
    activities.
    
    There is a Paintball notesfile that can give you more details as well
    as where the nearest paintball place is.
    
    Tim