Conference quark::mennotes-v1

417.0. "violation of visitation" by CSC32::HADDOCK (The Seventh Son) Tue Feb 20 1990 17:37

    	This note is for discussion about what to do if your visitation
    	rights are being violated.
    
	This note is created as a result of notes 408 and 414.  I am 
    	creating this note as a more general topic.  I AM NOT A LAWYER.
    	I'm just someone who has been there.

	I will not go into a tirade about the injustice of the court
	system when dealing with child custody, support, and visitation.
	If I get started on that one, there probably isn't enough
	disk space left on this system for me to finish.  This topic
	is more for what CAN be done about the problem of the violation
	of visitation rights.  I have fought and won a contempt of
	court judgment against my ex wife.  It can be done.  The
	following are some of the things I used to accomplish that.
	I would like to have entries from other fathers who have
	fought and won.

	1) Have your child support paid up in full.  It's not supposed
	   to make a difference, but that's the fist thing they'll
	   hit you with.

	2) Present the case as a violation of the CHILDREN'S RIGHTS
	   to visit and know their father.  After all that IS what
	   is happening as well as violating your rights to see and
	   know your children.

	3) Keep trying to see the children even though you know that
	   you're going to get the door slammed in your face.  Be
	   polite, don't cause a scene, and DON'T get sucked into
	   any confrontations.  If you don't try, then there's no
	   violation.

	4) DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT every time you ask to see
	   the children: date, time, place and result.  Make sure
	   that your requests conform to the letter of the court
	   orders.  Establish a pattern if she keeps making excuses.

	5) If you have a friend or relative willing to help, then 
	   have them along as a witness both for the visitation
	   attempts and in court. (I know, it's a lot to ask).

	6) Especially if you have a witness, politely bring up
	   the visitation orders and get their response.  (My 
	   ex shot a major hole in her foot with, "They won't do 
	   anything to me").

	7) If the court just slaps her on the hand the first time
	   you may have to start over and go back again.  Eventually
	   the court will get tired of her and hit her with some
	   major penalties (jail time).

	8) I would advise against asking for reduction of child 
	   support payments as a penalty.  ("Your honor, it is
	   not my intention to penalize the children").  If you
	   go for a reduction of child support make it a different
	   issue based on its own merits.  The court may think
	   that that's all you're after (with a lot of help from
	   her and her attorney). 


	Problems:

	1) Don't be surprised if she tries to hit you with an increase
	   in child support while she's in court anyway.  If she's
	   already sucking you dry, you've nothing to loose.

	2) If she can brainwash the children into saying that they
	   don't want to see you, then the court may not uphold 
	   the visitation orders.

	3) A common defense by the ex is to accuse the father of
	   sexual abuse.  Don't be surprised if this happens to you.
	   Be prepared to make her prove it (friends, relatives,
	   witnesses, etc).

	4) The whole thing is very emotional, especially when
	   the children are with you. Try to keep the children 
	   as far out if it as possible.  You can't stop the ex 
	   for spewing hate for you all over the children.  You 
	   can keep from doing the same when the children are 
	   around you.  It may be very difficult, but do it.  Your 
	   problems are between you and your ex not between you 
	   and them.  I cannot condemn the fathers who just dump
	   it all and walk away, but remember, it is the children's
	   right also to see and know you and have a male roll
	   model in their lives.  There are many ways to be a
	   warrior.  Sometimes the unseen battles are the hardest
	   of all to fight.