Conference quark::mennotes-v1

377.0. "Drug Abuse Cure (only humorously)" by PAXVAX::DM_JOHNSON (is there life before death?) Fri Sep 22 1989 11:18

        		Drug Abuse Cure: Outlaw Marriage

        So many  conflicting opinions have been thrown around about
        America's No. 1 problem that I went to see Dr. I.M. Kookie, one of
        the nation's leading experts on just about everything, to see if he
        had any solutions.

        "Yes," Dr. Kookie said, " the solution is to make it illegal,
        outlaw it completely."

        But the sale and possession of drugs already is illegal.

        "Drugs? Who's talking about drugs?"

        Well, what are you talking about?

        "Marriage."

        Marriage? You consider marriage the nation's leading problem?

        "Of course. Look at the statistics, it's all there." 

        What's all there?

        "Misery, grief, strife, discord, irrational behavior, violence,
        crime. Yes, the single biggest domestic problem in America is lack
        of domestic bliss."

        I'm amazed that you would say that .

        "That is because you are a boob. Even worse, a sentimental boob. Do
        you realize what percentage of marriages result in divorce?"

        I know it is high.

        "It is about 20 or 30 percent, depending on what study you read.
        Some say it is as high as 50 percent. Do you think that 20 or 30
        or 50 percent of Americans are dope addicts?"

        I hope not.

        "Of course not. So we should get our priorities straight. Here you
        have all these millions of people experiencing the terrible misery
        of shaking the marriage addiction, going through the agony of
        divorce withdrawal, getting zonked over property settlements,
        having their brains scrambled by nosy relatives and friends. And
        who profits from this? The marriage lords, the kingpins of
        Splitsville."

        Who are they?

        "Stores that have wedding gift listing, tuxedo rentals, divorce
        lawyers, counselors, shrinks. And the real estate dealers. There's
        a divorce, the house gets sold and they grab their 6 percent
        commission. And there are the hairpiece makers and the plastic
        surgeons."

        Hairpieces and plastic surgeons?

        "Sure. The first thing a guy does when he gets a divorce is buy a
        hairpiece so he can look younger. And the woman gets her face
        lifted. They are all part of the divorce cartel."

        But what about the happy marriages?

        "Happy marriages? You know how many married people bump each other
        off?"

        How many?

        "Scientific studies have shown that it is one heck of a lot."

        How much is that?

        "How much is a heck of a lot? Plenty, that's how much. And maybe
        more than plenty. I'll tell you this: In any year, more husbands
        knock off their wives and more wives bump off their husbands than
        crack dealers zap each other  off. And that doesn't count the ones
        who do it legally."

        How do they do it legally?

        "Wive's who load up husbands with cholesterol. Husbands who watch
        TV all night and burp until the woman goes flippo and does a header
        out the window. Happens all the time." 

        But I'm sure most married people are happy with their lot.

        "Nonsense. Go do your own scientific study and you'll see."

        What kind of scientific study?

        " Go to a shopping center on a Saturday. Stand outside a K mart or a
        Wal-mart or a Sears or any of them. Look at the faces of the
        couples. Count the ones that look happy. Then count the ones who
        look miserable. You'll see. It's 98 percent gloom and 2 percent
        cheer. And that 2 percent are probably not married but are just
        sneaking around on the side."

        But that is still no reason to make marriage illegal.

        "I'll give you more reasons. Ulcers. You think single people get
        ulcers from playing tennis or going skiing? No, 90 percent of the
        ulcers are married ulcers from mortgages, commuter rides, yard
        work, flooded basements and fighting over why he leaves the toilet
        lid up and why she calls the bar to see if he left yet."

        All right. I will concede that some marriages are not perfect.
        There are abuses. But that's no reason to make all of them
        illegal.

        "Sure it is. And if Congress and President Bush had any guts,
        they'd crack down and put a stop to this whole mess. We'd have a
        slogan: 'Just Say No to Marriage.' And we'd have a drug czar who
        would go after any wedlock users."

        But if people want to get married, even if it means risking their
        mental and physical health, that should be their right. It doesn't
        affect you.

        "Sure it does. My tax money is used to pay for the divorce courts
        and the cops who have to break up the marital fights."

        True, but trying to prevent people from marrying would cost even
        more. It would cost billions. And people would get married anyway,
        so the money would be wasted.

        "True, but we'd accomplish something anyway."

        What?

        "At least some of them would feel guilty."



        					Copied without permission
        					from a column by Mike Royko
        					syndicated columnist

    Thanks............. I needed that.
                                             very good! 
                                                         Dan

    
    	I don't see anything in there funny, it looks like the
    	truth to me!!!  
    
    	Yeah, Let's all     JUST SAY 'NO' TO MARRIAGE