| Title: | Topics Pertaining to Men |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES |
| Moderator: | QUARK::LIONEL |
| Created: | Fri Nov 07 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Tue Jan 26 1993 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 867 |
| Total number of notes: | 32923 |
This is also entered in the HUMAN_RELATIONS conference.
I have a friend who I'm very concerned about and I thought maybe some
of you might be able to give me some advice on how to help him. To make
it short, he's been married for 11 years, has 2 small children, ages 6
and 9. He married in his early 30s to be sure he experienced as much as
possible and found the right woman so he "wouldn't make a mistake".
What has happened though is that over the years, his wife has devoted
herself totally to the children and has pretty much isolated him from
herself and the kids. He feels like a 4th wheel in the family. He has,
over the past years, brought this up to his wife to try and get things
worked out, but she hasn't followed thru on any efforts to change. He
now feels that he can't go on like this any longer and things have gone
from bad to worse at home and he's now contemplating divorce. His
primary worries are the children and how they'll react. I've read thru
the note on divorce and there are some good things in there which I'll
show him. But this isn't the primary problem. In addition to his home
life, work (Digital) has been VERY stressful to him over the past few
months. I think its typical DEC-stress, high-pressure, high-visibility,
etc. I think he could handle either of these two stressful situations
separately but together they seem to be overwhelming him and this is
what I'm concerned about.
He's so depressed all the time, he can barely function. He told me he's
having a hard time making day-to-day decisions, common-sense types of
things. It seems like I read somewhere that that was a sign of
something, but I can't remember what, nervous breakdown maybe? I've
suggested he go to EAP or to see a counselor on his own, but he
refuses. I don't know why, maybe he's worried about someone getting
into his psyche. There are a few other factors that may be
contributing to all this, but I'll leave them out of the discussion as
they may not be pertinent. Does anyone have any experience with this
type of thing and is there anything I might be able to do to help him
get through this (other than being a friend and good listener?).
Fortunately he's on vacation for the next 2 weeks, so I'm hoping that
will help somewhat. I believe his wife won't be with him during most of
this time and he's trying to make a decision about what to do with his
marriage. He has discussed his unhappiness with his wife but she
responds either with defensiveness, accusations or crying, so he's not
making any progress in working things out. I know he feels the need to
make a decision, but just can't seem to do it.
I'm really becoming afraid for him and any help from all of you would
be greatly appreciated.
Debbie
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 367.1 | * | CIMNET::REEVES | Mon Aug 21 1989 18:59 | 20 | |
This sounds like the kind of problem which requires serious
professional help.
Perhaps the most effective thing that concerned and caring friends,
such as yourself, can do is to assist him to seek professional
guidance.
A great many people, even in the 1980s, still believe that the need to seek
out a "helping professional" indicates some sort of mental deficiency
of some sort---a stigma, if you will. And they stoiclly sustain and
endure an enormous amount of mental anguish when they don't have to.
This doesn't mean that tough decisions--painful ones--don't have to be
made, but it DOES mean, that one's emotional state can be stabalized
so that whatever decisions there are to make, can be made under the
best possible circumstances.
Good on you for your interest in this friend. And good luck to both of
you.
--John
| |||||
| 367.2 | a point to consider!! | GIAMEM::MACKINNON | Tue Aug 22 1989 10:44 | 8 | |
If he does decide to seek a divorce, make sure he does not move
out of the primary residence of the children until it is ordered
by the court(if that is the case). If he moves out that is considered
abandonment by the courts. At that point custody is awarded to
the parent who remains with the children. He will have a very
difficult time gaining back custody if he wants it after the fact.
| |||||
| 367.3 | If help is rejected, then what else ?? | WOODRO::EARLY | Bob Early CSS/NSG Dtn 264-6252 | Wed Aug 30 1989 16:15 | 25 |
re: .0
The "normal" track for someone with marital problems is marital
counseling for the 'both' of them (he and his wife).
The alternative, as has been suggested by a number of "support" groups
is that the person seek individual counseling, in an effort to learn
how to cope with the existing situation.
Is it fair to assume that since your're a friend of the man, that
you're also a friend of his SO (Spouse, Wife, etc) ?
Sometimes its possible to identify one person who is friend to them
both, and have That person intercede on behalf of them both.
At some other times, <people> use the "hopeless victim" story, to get
sympathy "and other forms of support" from members of the opposite sex.
As mentioned already, the person could go see an EAP counselor to get
direction as to how to seek viable options. Now that a support path has
been offered and rejected, what more can one expect to offer ?
.. just my opinion
| |||||
| 367.4 | An update... | AKO569::JOY | Gotta get back to Greece! | Tue Sep 05 1989 17:03 | 16 |
My friend has come back from his vacation. He looked worse than when he
left. He spent part of it with his wife along (the first week) and it
was so bad he told her not to come the second week. After getting home
on Sat., he spent the rest of the weekend with a close friend, no wife,
no kids. He did have what he called a "good" talk with his wife though,
seems she realizes finally that he's serious about a separation,
although still is avoiding sitting down to discuss things. She doesn't
want a separation, he's not sure. He does seem less depressed though
after his weekend away, but still indecisive. At least I'm not quite so
worried about him, but then again, he's only been back for a day. I'll
post updates as they happen.
Thanks
Debbie
| |||||