| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 345.1 | How many times must it be said - GET AN ATTORNEY!! | COMET::HENNINGER | | Wed May 10 1989 15:45 | 34 |
| To your major question:
Joint physical custody should be discussed with a competent family
law attorney and if it is a possibility then it should be proposed
by you and your attorney to become 'the law of the land'.
My thoughts:
1. You 'think' your child would like the one week on one week off?
Have you actually asked him/her?
2. Are you willing to go to mediation( three way, your child at
that age needs to have representation) or to fight it out in an
open court?
3. I have heard of shared physical custody working on occasion,
it all depends on the parties involved. I also know from a male
ex of joint physical custody causing great amounts of friction.
4. Being in the same everything is a benefit but how far physically
is it from one house to the other. Will s/he be able to have open
visitation to friends in either neighborhood or will s/he need to
be restricted to one neighborhood each week. Friendships on a weekly
basis I would think are difficult, especially at that age 'You weren't
here last week when...SO YOU ARE NO LONGER MY FRIEND' can be quite
devastating.
5. What happens when one or the other of you and your ex gets that
dream offer out of town? Be prepared for another round in mediation
/court.
MY BEST ADVICE,
1. Ask your kid?
2. Get with an attorney.
3. not necessarily in that order.
Don_who_had_fought_and_won_several_battles_to_lose_strategicly_the_war
|
| 345.2 | You can do it | QUARK::LIONEL | | Wed May 10 1989 16:07 | 7 |
| Not only is it possible to have joint custody in NH, but the courts
encourage it. For your reference I live in NH and have exactly the
kind of arrangement you are looking for - two weeks on, two weeks off.
We've been doing it for over three years now and I think it's the best
overall solution. But I also can see that it wouldn't work for everyone.
Steve
|
| 345.3 | Please be careful... | JAIMES::GODIN | This is the only world we have | Thu May 11 1989 10:09 | 17 |
| Re. the advice to "ask your kid": I don't have any answers. In
a way I'm facing a similar situation. But my kid is 15!
Does anyone out there have any input regarding how healthy it is
for a child of divorced parents to be put in the position of expressing
a choice between them? I've read somewhere (perhaps several
somewheres) that being asked to choose -- to even express a wish
-- to live with one parent or the other is very difficult for most
children. I realize that the situation established in the base
note is not a true "one OR the other" choice, but to the child it
could appear to be a request to express disloyalty to the other
parent.
At least that's the situation my son and I are in!
Good luck to you and your child.
Karen
|
| 345.4 | re .3 | DMGDTA::WASKOM | | Thu May 11 1989 11:24 | 20 |
| Well, yeah, actually. My son was put in the position of having
to make a choice when our joint physical custody arrangement had
to be terminated (Dad moved to Florida). He was 12 at the time.
I convinced my ex that *neither* of us could provide objective help
or reasons to the child for making the decision. Instead, we had
him talk with a counselor for three or four sessions. It was a
VERY positive experience. My son made the choice, was able to tell
both of us (separately) his reasons, and everyone has been content
with the results.
Generally, the common rule of thumb is that somewhere in junior
high, the child's opinion should start to count. The older the
child, the more weight to give his opinion. Presenting the choice
as 'which house would be best for you' or something which is not
overtly 'do you prefer your Dad or Mom' is probably a better way
to approach the question. Children (even adult children) really
deserve the chance to continue to love both parents without feeling
guilty.
Alison
|
| 345.5 | | DOUBLE::DM_JOHNSON | Never mistake motion for action | Thu May 11 1989 11:32 | 10 |
| My soon to be ex is a school guidance counselor so she has a lot
of experience dealing with divorce ramifications. In the younger
years don't ever, ever make it look like a child has to express
a preference or "disloyalty." It creates lots of stress on the kid.
The stress is still there in the high school years but the approach
of .4 has to be commended for it's attempt to alleviate the stress
and treat all three people as equals with opinions and preferences
rather than loyalties and disloyalties.
Dj
|
| 345.6 | Hmm sounds like a Seminar in Team Building .. | AHIKER::EARLY | Bob Early CSS/NSG Dtn 264-6252 | Thu May 11 1989 14:08 | 23 |
| re: 345.4,, .5
Hmm as an ASIDE: DEC, through its various seminars on getting people to
"play better" on teams; also encourages this "open, non-threatening
approach" to problem solving.
People should say "Which person has the better resources to solve
this" rather than the conventional approach of "Well, it ain't my
problem. Its software (or hardware) !"
Yes, it has been the policy of NH to ask the kids directly, using a
sliding scale of weight, for some time now. In some cases, the Ex's can
alter the childs opinions, depending on whom they currently live with.
Obviously, if there are two parents who TRULY have the childs best
interest at heart; it should be made easier for the kids to decide.
Its nice to know that POSITIVE progress is being made in tis
all-important area.
Bob
|
| 345.7 | let me try and let you know... | PH4VAX::MCBRIDE | Pikes Peak or Bust!!! | Thu May 11 1989 19:20 | 13 |
| I've been divorced fo rsome time. My kids live in Delaware. I
am within easy commuting distance of them. Next month, however,
I am moving to Colorado. I asked them if they want to come out
for a year or so. Frankly, I guess I didn't think that they would
consider it a choice between the two parents. (they turned me down,
they are young teens) I'm gonna, go back and suggest to them that
the move is going to happen. I will welcome them if they come
out and that coming out is not a choice but a little adventure.
If they change their minds they can come back. No problems. I'll
do that this weekend and let you know how at least one set of teens
takes it.
Bob
|
| 345.8 | | DOUBLE::DM_JOHNSON | Never mistake motion for action | Fri May 12 1989 10:07 | 11 |
| One caveat - you have to watch the situation where a child starts
ping ponging between the parents. "Well, if you're going to make
the rules so restrictive then I'm going to go live with (mom/dad)."
That will end up going bad for everybody.
Also, depending on the situation high school can be a rugged time. I
don't think I'd recommend switching schools more than once in that
timeframe. The peer support network at school could cause some
problems.
Dj
|