Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    Let him handle the bills for a month... That should give him a taste
    of where the money is going.
    
    Paul
    Who_has_the_wife_pay_bills_so_I_don't_get_depressed!!
    

    I have a problem with money.  I have allways had a problem with
    money.  Never budgeted.  Spent everything I had.  This created a
    lot of problems when I was married.  I got divorced when I was in
    my 40's and had to learn to live on my own.  I tried to live the
    way I allways had and guess what?  I got into a credit card problem.
    I had a little difficulty buying groceries.  Some checks bounced.
    
    The only way for me (after all that time) was to live by myself
    and be responsible for my own debts at least once in my life.  I
    guess that is out of the question for you.  Together you have to
    deal with it.  YOu have to be able to deal with it together or find
    someone who you can deal with it with.  It is a sign of being grown
    up.  Grown ups handle their money.  Married grown ups handle money
    together.  It is the number one cause of married people breaking
    up.  One person handling it and the other not sharing in the decision
    making isn't a good idea.  IMHO you should work on it together.

    	Experience is the best teacher -
    
    	Let him handle the budget for a while, and he will learn for
    himself. Don't worry about missing payments, etc . - let him handle
    it unless you want to be his mother forever.
    
    	Best of Luck.
    
    	Guy B.
    

    I'm going to endorse the previous noters. 
    Let him handle the money, not only paying bills, but shopping
    for groceries and other essentials.
    
    What we make sounds pretty damn good, til you find out just how far
    it doesn't go.
    
    						Regards
    
    								Hank

    Sit down and plan out a budget together. You'll both be suprised
    where the money goes. It's amazing to see it on paper especially
    if the $$ going out is greater than the $$ coming in. It motivated
    me to spend within my means. If you both agree to the budget there is no 
    "blaming" because the decision is made before hand.

    Gail
    

    Before my wife and I separated, she handled all the money
    stuff...paying bills, balancing the checkbook, etc. I could never
    understand why she'd get so upset because I'd spend money on stuff
    we didn't really need, or when I'd use the ATM card and forget to
    note it in the checkbook.
    
    Well, now that we are separated, I'm learning just how much work
    it was and is. I would recommend .0 follow the suggestions of
    some of the folks in here and give it to him to do for a while.
    I'm sure he will learn from the experience.

    I lived with a man who had never lived away from home (except college)
    before.  I lived with him for 18 months.  I kept trying to get him
    to learn to deal with finances.  He shirked, so I dealt with them
    (pretty well, I might add).  It would have been nice to have some
    help with handling the finances though, especially since we had
    a shared checking account and sometimes he forgot to tell me when
    he wrote checks or made withdrawals.  
    
    I agree you should have him deal with the finances...in your presence
    when it comes to bigger bills if possible so y'all don't go broke
    because he tries to pay off more on the credit cards or whatever
    than you have.  
    
    as a p.s., this person is living on their own, has been doing okay
    (although he has NO debt, so there is really no financial pressure
    except the monthly rent, electricity, telephone, food, etc...) -
    
    I dunno, in order to handle finances extremely prudently I think
    you need to have a healthy fear of being broke.....
    
    -Jody
    

    A suggestion for helping him 'pay the bills' while leaving you with
    some security in case he really blows it...(bad experience speaking
    here - I got left with the bills when we divorced, although he had
    been the official budgeter)
    
    Go through and figure out which of your expenses are really joint
    expenses - rent, utilities, maybe groceries.  Both of you contribute
    an equal amount each week/month/pay period to an envelope for those
    expenses.  If he hasn't contributed his share when the bill is due,
    you have a good reason for asking him for it.  Possibly decide that
    the money must be in the envelope one pay period before the bill
    is due so that whichever of you has a problem has time to scramble
    and get the money there.  All other expenses - you are each responsible
    for your own.  This gives each of you money of your own to do with
    as you want, while taking care of necessary joint expenses.
    
    Alison
    

    
    The way it works now is that i went throughall the bills and estimated
    utility payments, then i split them up into weekly payments and
    he gives me $200 a week. The rest is his.  
    
    It does sound like a good idea to just hand it all over to him,
    but I am really scared he'll screw it up and we'll end up deeper
    in the hole than ever before. 
    
    I put a budget in the system for him this week, and I'm going to
    get all the necessary paperwork from the bank today so he can open
    a checking account (he currently has no bank account at all). Then,
    I am going to have him give me my estimated half payments of utility
    bills and half for the rent, and he'll be responsible for his car
    payment and isurance payments. And I won't be writing out checks
    with only a promise that i'll get the money "as soon as he has it".
    He currently spends between $150 and $200 on gas and food for work
    and extras, a cost which I am sure could be greatly decreased. Does
    this sound like a good plan of action, or do you think I'll still
    be doing too much for him??
    
    

    I think you should do it all, together.  That way both of you know
    what the other thinks and feels and wants.  It is painful.  The
    most painful memories (ok, maybe not THE most) of my childhood were
    listening to my parents bickering about money.  I refused to do
    that when I grew up.  They are still married...I am not.  

    
    
    I agree with the splitting the living expense in half theory.
    Treat him as though he were a roommate not your boyfriend.
    Don't hand over the bills to him because you will most likely
    regret the results.  It is going to take him a while to realize
    just how to handle money.  And as you said you do not want to
    get any deeper into a hole than you are already.  
    
    

    re: .0
    
    Like so much other stuff in life, spending money is a lot more fun
    when its done together; than doing it all alone.
    
    The crux of it  is budget (money plan) that you both agree upon, and
    each has a predtermined allowance for those "on-the-spot" wants. 
    
    When the allowance is gone, its gone.
    
    The concept of "simply turning it all over" is dangerous, and not
    enough caveats can be written top qualify all cases, especially if part
    of those "bills" is in your name. 
    
    One method I have used before is "3 Checking Accounts"; Hers, Mine, and
    Ours. 
    
    Each of usd would put a predetermined amount into the "Ours" (which was
    a joint account); but only one us had the checkbook. ONE Checkbook,
    which was kept in a place convenient to both of us. If that account got
    overspent, we'd sit down; discuss why it fell short, and them either
    adjusted the spending OR put more in each week. 
    
    Hers was exactly that. In her name only just as Mine was in my name
    only. 

    It worked fine for us, because we both had suffered under previous
    spouses who had difficulty understanding "Spending Limits" <= Net
    Income. 
    
    As an aside, you might read a book called: "The Peter Pan Syndrome".
    This book deals with people who have maturation difficulties, and
    finances is just one aspect of this syndrome.

    Bob
        
        
    

    
    
    re .12   
    
    That 'three checkbook' idea sounds like a very good one.. maybe
    it would be worth trying. I think it would bring him into it just
    enough without pushing too much onto him all at once. 
    
    Thanks for all your help.. i'll keep you posted as to what i end
    up doing and how well it works!
    
    Thanks again!
    Angela.
    
    

    in re .12
    
    I like Bob's suggestion. I was also uncomfortable with the idea
    of 'just turning things over' to a person who has shown themself
    irresponsible to deal with money. The 'baptism by fire' approach
    could be very negative to you both.
    
    Rationally I think that sitting down with your S.O. and talking
    about what the monthly bills are, and how much you each should
    spend, and then setting up a joint account for bills, and then
    letting him handle *that* account for a while isn't a bad idea.
    
    Good luck
    
    Bonnie