| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 164.1 | Not much | APEHUB::STHILAIRE | You might think I'm crazy | Thu Oct 08 1987 16:25 | 17 |
| I'm sorry I'm not a man (well, not really), but I'd like to offer
my opinion anyway. I do think it's possible that two people could
start off as lovers, and wind up as platonic friends and roommates.
However, for it to really work it has to be mutual. They have
to both want to be platonic friends, and not one of them just going
along with it because they're hanging on for dear life to a dying
romance. And, if they really are platonic friends now, then his
relationship with your friend wouldn't have to be a secret, and
the woman he lives with wouldn't be still in love with him. Does
the woman he lives with know about the romance?? If she doesn't
then, in my opinion, he's just out for himself, not thinking of
their feelings, and one of the two women is bound to get hurt.
What a cozy work day they all must have.
Lorna
|
| 164.2 | Having is Cake and Eating it to! | AKOV05::EARLS | | Thu Oct 08 1987 17:11 | 9 |
| There is no way in hell that it can be platonic after being lovers
and still living together. If the lady he is living with still
loves him then my bet is that they still have sex, because if she
is willing to give it I'm sure he is willing to take it. Also like
164.1 said it would not have to be a secret. The whole thing sounds
bad, I would try and get your friend out of that mess.
but i'm not one to say, i have trouble keeping my own love live
in order
|
| 164.3 | She should cut here loses and run | VCQUAL::THOMPSON | Noter at large | Thu Oct 08 1987 17:25 | 11 |
| If the 'other' woman doesn't know about her then he's lying.
Plain and simple. You can't make anyone see things they don't
what to see but if you can get them to think logically you've
got a chance.
I believe that a lover relationship can go to a friend one but
if he can't tell the 'other' woman about someone new the transition
is not done yet. A woman would have to be crazy to think otherwise.
Of course, dating ones boss is not usually too bright either.
Alfred
|
| 164.4 | Meddling or Helping ? Are you sure ? | BETA::EARLY | Bob_the_Hiker | Thu Oct 08 1987 18:14 | 18 |
| re: .0
Tell me again "Why can't your friend confront the woman the man
is living with ?". I mean, if she's really worried SO BAD that she's
got an ulcer, whats to lose by walking up to woamn #1 and saying
"I'm curious. XXX says that you and he only have a platonic
relationship now. I'd like to know because we are deeply in love,
and I'm jelous you share a house with him." (or whatever other words
makes it CLEAR she wants information from her).
By the way: Does your friend know you are doing this ? Perhaps she
hsan't told YOU the whole story, but just enough to satisfy your
inquisitiveness ?
In other words, are you 'meddling' or seriously trying to help
your friend with her knowledge ?
Bob "Im_curious_too,_about_what_you_are_doing ?"
|
| 164.5 | | AXEL::FOLEY | Rebel without a cold (YEA!) | Fri Oct 09 1987 00:45 | 10 |
|
#1 She shouldn't be working for this guy. I think it's against
policy.
#2 I think she's getting used. NO relationship is worth
physical problems. Take it from me, I went thru it ONE
time before and I would NEVER do it again. NFW.
mike
|
| 164.7 | my 0.2's worth.... | RDGE28::LIDSTER | Yes...but is it ART ?? | Fri Oct 09 1987 07:49 | 37 |
| re: .3 (and .5)
> dating ones boss is not usually too bright either.
I agree it is not too bright and .5 questions whether it is
against policy. Such a serious relationship betwwen two people
in the same cost centre, where one of them is in a management
position is certainly very heavily frowned upon. I believe that,
as far as the UK is concerned, one of them would be asked to find
alternative employment in another Cost centre. The same rules apply
to members of the same family.
re: .6
< FLAME on...... >
I wouldn't do your reply the service of re-printing what I read
to be an extremely personal point of view being applied to the world
in general.
For the record, I am a thirty one year old divorced DEC manager with
a child (not the one in the base note I may hasten to add). My
SO (who is eleven years younger than I am) works for DEC in the same
facility but not the same Cost Centre. As soon as it became apparent
that our relationship was becoming serious, we each informed our
relevant managers and made our relationship public. This is in line
with the guidelines laid down in the Policy and Procedures manual.
I find your comments regarding "playthings" extremely offensive
and I am only glad to say that my SO does not read MENNOTES. Please
don't include us all in your own attitude towards relationships
between two people whose age difference happens to be greater that
you think acceptable.
< FLAME off....>
Steve
|
| 164.9 | Triangles cause Hurt | CSSE::LOMBARD | | Fri Oct 09 1987 11:12 | 15 |
| re.8
NOPE...not when she can't eat, probably can't sleep or concentrate
on anything else, has an ulcer and by some standards could be
considered non functional.
She's allowing herself to be emotionally abused and I would suggest
it's her responsibility to seek professional support and direction.
On the other hand, some people go through a lifetime of unfilling
relationships.
One things for sure; it's a no win situation for this woman.
Jane
|
| 164.10 | | ULTRA::GUGEL | Don't read this. | Fri Oct 09 1987 13:13 | 6 |
| Thank you .7. I found that comment very offensive also. I have a
number of female friends who are coupled with men much older than
themselves. All are honest, open, and happy, but neither are there
marriages or work relationships to entangle things.
-Ellen
|
| 164.11 | there's nothing you can do | DECSIM::FARMER | | Sat Oct 10 1987 10:06 | 21 |
| I agree it's quite a mess; I've seen 'em before, tried to
"help" and seen many other people try to get their friends out
of harmful relationships. It *never* works.
A rational person in a rational relationship would just scoff
at anyone suggesting that they should give up someone. A
person in an irrational relationship is even more consumed and
less likely to listen to an "outsider". There's a deep reason
why people get into harmful situations. ( I won't even get
into "who's to judge what other people should/n't do")
You have to think of it as an addiction like alcoholism.
Meddling doesn't solve the problem. Only forced and total
withdrawal works. Are you prepared to take on someone else's
life so totally?
/cliff
|
| 164.12 | have a nice day ! | CEODEV::FAULKNER | t | Sun Oct 11 1987 22:39 | 8 |
| people do things that are
A. unpredictable
B. unusual
BUT 1. There own business.
both referenced people are over 21 and therefore
free thinkers NOONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO INTERPERET/DICTATATE/INSTRUCT/
SUGGEST/INFER/INFUSE THEIR IDEAS INTO THEIR heads.
|
| 164.13 | | MPGS::MCCLURE | Why Me??? | Mon Oct 12 1987 13:23 | 8 |
| I find .6 offensive also. Any person that can make a generality
of that sort and automatically assign reasons to a relationship
that they know very little about, is probably a racial and religious
bigot as well.
Bob Mc
|
| 164.15 | meddle or help | TWEED::RICCI | | Tue Oct 13 1987 08:05 | 9 |
| For heavens sake....meddle. Some people need a little more than
respect for there privacy. They need a "friend" who happens to be
close enough to watch the degeneration. Help her if you can. Sounds
like she is lost and unable to see clearly herself.
Good luck
Bob
|
| 164.16 | Dump the jerk! | SSDEVO::YOUNGER | This statement is false | Tue Oct 13 1987 21:23 | 12 |
| re .14
Sounds like you answered the question. This guy is *not* on the
up and up if he is claiming that the relationship with the woman
he's living with is "platonic", and it's obvious that she is in
love with him.
I think she should dump the jerk, but first she needs to realize
what kind of jerk he is.
Elizabeth
|
| 164.17 | | RANCHO::HOLT | Don't see any points on those ears.. | Tue Oct 13 1987 22:50 | 7 |
|
re .16
Why doe she need the typedef of the jerk. A
jerk is a jerk. She needs a definition, she
can get it later. Sounds gnarrly...
|
| 164.19 | A Personal Opinion | APEHUB::STHILAIRE | You might think I'm crazy | Wed Oct 14 1987 16:19 | 25 |
| I think that the man in this situation is treating both of the women
as "playthings." From what I know of the story, I have even more
sympathy for the woman who lives with this man than for .0's friend.
If this woman ever finds out what's been going on she's going to
feel like a fool, used and abused by both a supposed friend and
her SO. She's the unwitting victim of the other two people's deceit,
selfishness, and cowardice (of what might happen if the situation
were brought out in the open).
The man, idealy, should either make a choice of which woman he wants
a relationship with, or he should tell both of them that the likes
both of them, can't pick between them, and wants to see them both.
It would then be up to them to take it or leave it. Since he hasn't
done this he's caused trouble for both these women.
I'm not sure that .0's friend should really consider herself to
be a friend of the woman who lives with the man she's in love with.
Real friends don't screw around with your SO behind your back.
So, what should .0's friend do, dump him, he's a manipulative bastard,
and start looking around for some cute young guys to date while
she's still young enough to have a lot to choose from!
Lorna
|