Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    
    	I'd say it's both physical and emotional. The exercise programs
    are designed to foster a feeling of well-being, which exercise =>
    see improvement has been known to do.
    
    	By the way, have you done all "50 more hikes in N.H."?? I'm
    going to try my 1st over the 4th of july weekend!
    	
    	Joe Jas
    

    
          Most of the books I have read on the subject (I wanted to
    understand what I was facing) say the age bracket in which most
    are effected is between 35 and 45 years old.
          One friend was a cop. He had a nice home,nice family,etc.
    He left his wife and was going with a woman 15 years younger (who
    by the way had a striking resemblance to his wife (at a younger
    age)). He became obsessed with his appearance and began working
    out regularly. He was 38. He lost his wife,home,and the girl friend
    and learned that he couldn't do much about the aging process. tough
    way to learn.
          Pete Kaufmann (VP at DEC) resigned in 1977, feeling that time
    was running out and questioning lifes aspirations. He was 45 at
    the time. He lives in a small house in Maine and spends his time
    making mobiles out of found objects,attending philosophy courses,
    sculpture,painting.
    
          The book "The Seasons of a Man's Life" by Daniel Levinson
    is a good source of insight to what happens and some of the causes.
    
          As for corporate efforts to provide physical fitness programs,
    it appears to be in response to employees requests in the electronics
    industry rather than a top down push as it is in some Japanese
    companies.
          Mid life crisis was once a term applied to men but it is now
    recognized as effecting both men and women. It was typical to refer
    to this time in a womans life as driven by the physiological change.
    It now is recognized as simply the same feeling that time is running
    out and it is perhaps intensified by adding the chemical disruption
    of menopause and the associated emotional strain.
    
         I am 43. I am still waiting for the MLC to hit. Maybe it will
    and maybe it wont. I dont intend to dwell on it. I'm having too
    much fun just being alive.
    
                          Mike
    

	I remember reading about mid-life crisis when I was in my
early thirties and thinking it was silly psycho babble.  Six months
before my 38th birthday I was the Manager of Industrial Engineering,
Indirect Labor, for a large (fortune 500) corporation and believed
I was on my way to the top of the world.  One day I had a major 
argument with the Vice President of Engineering, my direct boss.
Losing the argument didn't bother me too much since I had a direct
line to the president.  To make a long story short, the president
told me in so many words to remember my position.  Two months later,
not having drawn a sober breath in weeks, I quit the job.

	Such a short paragraph to explain one of the most painful and
confusing experiences of my life!

	Fate and a good resume found me a systems analyst job 
which was of no challenge - I could do the job and remain drunk.

	Libby, my wife, supported me during this period of nonsense
and helped me to seek professional guidance.  Fate again stepped in
and after a couple of psychiatrists whom I found very lacking I
came upon a psychologist who was looking for the right sorts for
a group therapy session.  The group was to be comprised of 10 people
and last six months.  None of the people who dropped out of the group
would be replaced.  The 'sorts' he was looking for were people who
were divorced, or had been divorced, had achieved professional success
at one time, and had a recent history of substance abuse.  Time and a lot
of soul searching showed us we had a great deal more in common.

	Group therapy did not explain my mid-life crisis but it did 
help me to better understand me.  It also helped me to dry out.

	But what is mid-life crisis?  All life's actions have some
connection with mortality.  The mid-life crisis I experienced was
rooted in a belief of personal failure.  All I had achieved up to 
that time was shown to amount to nothing when I lost one major argument.
I believed I was a failure, that I had worked hard to no avail.  My 
personal measure of success was power and I was shown to have none.  
I was very well respected in my field, proof that I knew my 'stuff,' 
but with all my acquired knowledge I had no power.  I couldn't win a 
major argument with that 'dolt of a boss'!

	Through group therapy I learned why power was so important to me
and why I would never achieve the power I needed.  ('Learned' is not the
correct word.  'Realized' is a better word since I always knew but
didn't tell myself.)  My goal was ultimate power.  I wanted to answer to 
no one, including myself.  Do you see the absurdity?  The next step, one
which I have yet to complete, is to understand what personal shortcoming
was being compensated for with the quest for power.  Insecurity is the
quick answer but what is at the root of the insecurity?  The answer
still eludes me but the search continues.

	The above isn't very cohesive.  Writing it was difficult because
it sits as proof of my frailty.  But it reads as though written by 
someone who was challenged once and fell apart.  Such is not the case.

	An interesting point about mid-life crisis, every one of my
friends have gone through a mid-life crisis, men and women.  Some
had a rougher time than I did, most not as rough.  All have one very
strong memory, looking at themselves in a mirror and not recognizing
the person who was staring back.

    RE: .4
    
>   Having recently turned 35, I am interested in knowing
>   whether there is any truth to these allegations. 
>   One thing I've noticed is that jeans no longer feel
>   'right'. 
 
    Funny, at 38.75 yrs (and counting), jeans feel more 'right' NOW, than
    when I was 28!
    
    I do find I am a lot freer with money than when I was 28, but then
    again I MAKE a lot more money than when I was 28.
    
    The only thing that might be attributed to a mid-life crisis (so far)
    is the internal argument over whether the things I consider important
    are really important or not (i.e.- 1) Am I crazy to try to build the
    size organ that I have planned and is it worth killing myself to get
    done.  2) What if I die tomorrow and it's NOT done (like anyone will
    care except me and at that point it won't do me any good!), etc., etc.) 
                                                                         
    -Bob
        

    There is quite a bit of reading that could be done by people interested
    in this problem.  The three most obvious and popular books are:
    
    Gail Sheehy _Passages_ (the book that invented the term "mid-life crisis")
                _Pathfinders_ (about people who successfully navigated
                               their passages)

   and _The Male Climacteric_ (I've forgotten the author's name) which
    details the male mid-life crisis in particular as corresponding
    to female menopause.
    
    There's a lot of newer stuff based on these books, but I'm not familiar
    with much of it.
    
    --bonnie

 
    For those, like me, who have been forced to face death, part of the
    recovery has been to reevaluate what is important to me.  I felt so
    powerless before death.  My life - all its hopes and dreams - in the
    hands of another with no understanding or compassion for me.  What did
    I do to deserve this, I asked?  All the contradictions of life come
    tumbling down at your feet and lay before you like poisoned flowers. 
    
    Somehow, in the extraordinary humility that seems almost a natural
    consequence of such an experience, comes a perspective more tolerant of
    oneself and others, more realistic in expectations, more compassionate,
    passionate, and forgiving.  Trust shifts its lifeline from oneself to
    god (whatever you determine it to be.  For this unitarian, god is
    nature's powers).
    
    Is this a midlife crisis?  Will I have another later - I'm 32? 
    Are crisises the result of 'something' out of balance?  Somehow,
    and I don't want to sound too soapy here but, when you lose what's
    important to you and build with humility beyond who you were then,
    god!! you've come a long way, baby, and you've got your feet on
    the ground.
    
    /Wendy 

    I prefer to think of mid-life crisis as a series of mid course
    correction. We grow up and develop under a tremendous amount of peer
    pressure and psycho babble. Perhaps around the late 30's and early 40's
    we gain the strength, through whatever trick we play on ourselves, to
    change our course and navigate that Eighth Sea. 
    
    It's an adventure. But since our society doesn't teach us to cope with
    that kind of change we suffer. We will all go through that but some are
    more insensitive to the pain than others. Very little of us will
    be prepared for that don't you think?
    
    Although I haven't faced death as perhaps Wendy has I do face death
    everyday. For me this is a very important cleansing process. I was born
    butt ass naked into this world without a penny to my name and no written
    guarrentee. The ferryman say I can't take it with me when I go so why
    should I heap up wealth just to give to others.
    
    Mid-course corrections keep us sane in a very unsane world. Uh.....
    I feel a mid-course correction commin' on..

    Personally, I don't think there is any such thing as a 'mid-life
    crisis'. We face many crises in our life time. Job satisfaction,
    general situation satisfaction, identity satisfaction etc. When
    you reach a decision point, you look at the situation or your
    life in general and decide if you want to change things. Some
    people seem to go through this daily. Others at seven year intervals.
    Some never seem to have doubts about their life or situation. Some
    folks make minor corrections and move on. Some make drastic changes.
    Some 'drop out' or 'give up'. Some of us made it through HS with
    very few emotional problems. Others look at HS as the worst years
    of their lives. 
    
    Bob Mc

    My dad went through what my mother called his "mid-life crisis"
    several years ago.  What I feel happened is that he started realizing
    that yes - he is 60 years old - and yes - eventually we all die.
     After tackling the initial fear/worry over what was inevitable,
    there was a very positive result.  He is finally doing things that
    REALLY make him HAPPY.  Why live for tomorrow?  Why not reap the
    benefits of your own labor - why not live a little?
    
    p.s. my parents took their second honeymoon last year - splurged 
    utterly on a wonderful trip to St. Maarten's - they've grown a lot 
    over the past few years.  Mid-life crisis, in my opinion, is a focus 
    for energy which may have been scattered for years.  Now, if only I
    could get mine outta the way now....
    
    
    -Jody
    

    	I have read the previous notes which pass off mid-life crisis
    as something which will not happen to the specific noters and had
    a small laugh because they sound so familiar.  How wrong so many
    of us can be when we look at life from the early side.
    
    Douglas

    re: .14
    
    Is it so different from the "Far Side" ?
    
    If so, how far ?
    
    (Better to be pushing 50 than daisies ) :^)
    
    .bob.

    .bob.
    
    	I don't understand your question.  The "Far Side" is a newspaper
    comic devoted to absurdity isn't it?
    
    	I make no suggestion that death is better than mid-life crisis
    >(Better to be pushing 50 than daisies ) :^)
    Nor do I suggest all people will experience mid-life crisis, though
    all the people I know who have attained the age of 50 have experienced
    it in one form or another.
    
    	My 50th year begins in less than three years.  I am not 'old'
    and am quite pleased not to be 'pushing (up) daisies.'  I am older.
    Older, for me, is the wisdom to recognize I don't have as many pat
    answers as I once had.  (Some sage once said, "The older I get,
    the less I know."  I understand exactly what he/she said, now.)
    
    Douglas

    >(Some sage once said, "The older I get, the less I know. 
    
    And here I am at 24, convinced I'll never really know anything...
    
    DFW

    I'm involved in a "controled" mid-life "course adjustment" that
    I guess could be termed a mid_life crisis.  
    
    I felt I was in a rut.  I worked Mon-Fri 7:30-4:00.  Same road to
    work, same job, same problems, same solutions, some new problems
    but not many, b-o-r-i-n-g.  Days/weeks/months/years were flying
    by at an alarming rate, distinguished only by the seasons.
    
    I wanted more time to enjoy my hobbies, more time with my kids other
    than "Hi, grab a sandwich, you have to be here, I have to be there,
    and you're mother is going here, let's go !".  More time for campfires
    and time without stress.
    
    So I traded in my career for a job.  I went from w/c 4, to w/c 2
    and a four day week on third shift.  Drastic, huh ?  It's been about
    10 months so far and yes it's    painful at times, but at least
    you know you're alive if you're feeling something other than stuck.

    I've got much more spare time now.  I've spent a lot of time with
    the kids..we go to state parks on week days when it's not crowded.
    I've got plenty of time to spend on hobbies.  I feel I am enjoying
    life more than before.  After all, I work to live, not live to work.
    
    I see the time coming when I will be taking on more reponsibility
    in the group as I promote and become more proficient, but there's
    still time for me to enjoy this 2-3 year break in my life.
    
    My father uprooted our whole family when he had his "crisis".  Had
    a big impact on our lives, not all favorable, but it was something
    he had to do.  I'm trying to have my crisis without impacting the
    rest of the family.  It's something I have to do, but I won't let
    it have a negative effect on my family.
    
    So, yes Virginia, there is a male mid_life crisis.

    Gary:
    
    	I commend your decision.  Too many people live to work and then,
    at some stage of their development - usually when its too late,
    look around and realize the important things in life have passed
    them by.  Your courage is quite comendable.
    
    Douglas

    Let's be pedantic about psychological terminology here for a minute:
    
    I notice that a number of experiences recounted here appear to have
    assumed that a 'crisis' is a bad thing.  However, when used in the
    sociological/psychological sense of a 'mid-life crisis' or a
    'post-trauma crisis', it simply refers to a turning point, a time when
    you have to look at certain aspects of yourself and decide what is
    important and what you're going to do (as .20 did). 
    
    Some crises are very quiet.  Sometimes you look at your life and decide
    that continuing is the right thing. Sometimes you look at it and you
    move on to something new.  Sometimes you have a very noisy crisis that
    includes explosive love affairs and fast cars (or is it the other way
    around?)
        
    People who have been in touch with their inner selves tend to have less
    severe crises than people who have been denying an inner problem or
    dissatisfaction.  If you've made decisions you're happy with on the
    whole, you have less need to make drastic decisions that uproot your
    entire lifestyle.  You can simply adjust.  The emotions of deciding to
    make the adjustment can be as painful as those of the person who
    decides he has to leave his wife and run off to Alaska to grow
    sassafras, but the symptoms aren't so obvious to everyone else. 
    
    --bonnie

    To inject a little humor here;
    
    I was standing in the parking lot talking to a woman, when a guy
    came out of the building and went to his Camaro Z28. The woman
    remarked to me, is that his car? She then said (loud enough for
    him to hear) I didn't know that you were so sporty!
    
    The response, "Well, when you get to my age you either drive fast
    cars or chase women. My wife bought me this car."
    
    Bob Mc 

    It's been four years since there's been any activity on this subject.
    I just finished reading Nancy Mayer's "The Male Mid-life Crisis".  It's
    a little dated but I certainly identified with a lot of the content.
    :^)  Anyone have any recommendations for more current (good) material on 
    the subject?  
    				- Vick

    I have just re-read Levinson's "Season's of a Man's Life".  I believe
    this book to be almost timeless.  I read it in my 30's, early 40's
    and just last month again.  The messages/ideas keep hitting home
    as being accurate and true for the way my life is unfolding and
    the stages of development I go through.
    
    I recommend every male read it.