Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    Gee Myra, I don't think I've ever used that particular string of
    words.  Maybe it's something Southern SMs use -- perhaps it's akin
    to "Y'all (as in y'all-in-1) come back now, y'hear?".
    
    Seriously, if I want to call again, I normally ask if I may -- and
    then I do, normally within 48 hours -- send a note and/or flowers
    if a particularly good time was had by me, and I've inferred that she
    likewise had a good time.  If I don't think, for whatever reason,
    that I will call again, I just don't say anything 'cept "Thanks
    and G'night."
    
    There have been a few cases where she has asked if I intended to
    call, and I have said that I thought not, with a reason attached
    that was honest, if I thought it would not hurt her feelings (e.g.,
    someone who smokes without regard for her surroundings), or something
    as tactful and I could muster if I thought an honest answer might
    bring about trauma (to her OR to me!).
                                            
    Anyway, thanks for writin' -- and y'all come back soon now, y'hear!
    
    Bill

1	Its not only men that use this line.

2	I always take it to mean, "If I'm doing nothing better, I may phone you
	if I remember, but don't hold your breath honey"

3	Have you thought of      a 	Phoning them
				 b	Giving your number?

Richard.

    re.: .1
    	It's not just a southern expression -- I used to hear it 
    once upon a time when I was a "Yankee"!  
    
    re.: .3
    	I agree it's used by women as well as men.  I have had female
    friends say the same thing to me!  
    
    	I really like your 2nd response!  " don't hold your breath "....
    	
    	YES, I frequently call them when I think that "soon" has come
    and gone and I should have heard from them!!  
    
    		My

Re: .0

Em, yes, all of the above!

But then this is what I would come to expect of a snivelling little worm like 
me...

Tarik.

PS  Great to see you back in NOTESland Mrya.

	I say it sometimes, but I mean it when I say it. "Soon" to me
	means within a week or so. Sometimes I admit I don't follow
	through on my intentions, as a matter of fact right now I owe
	someone a phone call from two weeks ago, I did try once and
	got no answer (thanks for reminding me Myra!).
	
	I hear it sometimes myself, and as often than not it does turn
	out to be a "polite" [sic] way of saying "buzz off".

>	" I think you're a very nice person, but I just don't
>    	think we'd get along in the long term."  
    
	Although that's better than the "I'll call" brush-off, I think
	more honesty than that is better. I've heard almost those
	exact words on more than one occasion, which leaves me
	thinking "Is it my breath? My politics? My car:-)?" If you're
	going to be honest enough to tell someone you're not
	interested, be honest enough to tell them why.
	
	Mike

    
    	Tarik!!  Surely you would not do such things!! :^) 
    
    	Hi, yourself!!  Nice to be noting again!  
    
    		{*}
    
    			My

Boy, is this a hot button with me!  Thanks for opening it up!

No, I can guarantee you it is _not_ limited to guys only.  Similar variations
can be heard from ladies too ( usually, "Give me a call and we'll set something
up" ).  I believe it's just a ploy for some people who wish to get out of a
situation they feel is "sticky".  What I also believe is that while it helps
them immensely, it makes the situation about twice as worse for the other per-
son!  You say, "Ok, fine.", but after a couple attempts down the road you get
the idea of what's really happening here.  It can be a pretty crummy feeling
when the light finally dawns...

I'd really much prefer to hear, "Well, I like you but I don't think we're right
so let's just stay friends."  Heck, I can deal with that!  No big deal.  It
may be slightly more difficult initially, but it's a lot easier for everyone
in the long run.

I myself subscribe to honestly very stringently.  ( Mainly because then you
don't have to try and remember what you said -- I'd surely forget!  ;-)  )
Unfortunately, I don't think honesty is something you can ask for -- you
either get it or you don't.  After awhile you just learn to deal with those
who don't believe in it.

Does this make any kind of sense?!!


Brian
    

No honestly My, I have done this often in the past. Simply because it *is* an 
easy way out, and there I go as usual looking for the line of least resistance! 

I mean I know I should really say what I think eg: "I won't call you, cos I 
think you're bloody boring...", but it doesn't really sound right does it? 
Also, if I'm undecided about someone it really means, "I'll think about it and 
if I deceide I'm interested, then I'll call you". You know what I mean? Also,
in my defence I'll claim that I would only really say it when I detect that the 
other party isn't that interested anyway, so it's no big deal to them either. 
It's all just part of the ettiquette of taking a woman out, all part of the 
game isn't it? Or is this where I'm going wrong?

Tarik.

Tell you what Myra, I'll give you a call soon, eh? :-) :-)

    So if saying "I'll call you" means you aren't really interested,
    what do you say when you are?

    
    
    	Gee, I say "I'll talk to you later" or "I'll give you a ring
    	soon" I usually mean between 3-5 days. Personally, I don't
    	believe that one should tie one down to an exact date/time.
    	Saying "I'll call you on Wednesday at 9:35" is kinda silly.
    	Saying "I'll call you around the middle of the week" is better.
    	
    
    	My reason for doing this is past experience. I used to be the
    	"I'll call you on Wednesday at 9:35" type. It went unappreciated.
    
    						mike

Re: .10

Ah now that's easy! If I wanted to see them again I'd say something like:
"I've really had a great time, when can we meet again?" and try to arrange some 
sort of provisional date. Failing that it would be "I'll call you next week" 
and actually do it!

T.

    See also note 127 "Getting to that second date" in 
    QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS (press KP7 or SELECT to add it to your
    notebook).  There is some discussion on whether or not it is
    a good idea to try to set up a second date while still on the first.
    
    					Steve

    Admission: I'm married, but this also applies to friends.
    
    I will say "I'll call you",  but at the moment, I feel sincere
    about calling.  After a day or two, the feeling of the moment is
    gone and it gets shuffled back into the recesses of the mind.  Soon,
    I forget about it altogether.
    
    If I talk to a friend and say "We need to go fishing together some
    day", something will come up and we never get together.  After saying
    this about 3 or 4 times, then I finally say "We need to make plans,
    how about on Saturday..."  Then its a commitment.  With me, "some
    day" will never come.
    
    I think the key phrase is "the feeling of the moment".  If that
    feeling lasts through the night, then the call will be made.  If
    the feeling won't survive the night, then its forgotten.  If the
    promise is made without sincerity, then its a cop-out.
                             
    Spence

    As far as "date-type" encounters go, _this_ woman has never gotten
    an "I'll call you" (with or without the "soon") that didn't happen.
     Just lucky, I guess.
    
    I _have_ gotten plenty of "well thanks, I had a nice time" sort
    of lines, where I never heard from that person again, but then again,
    I don't see anything wrong with that.
    
    So I guess you aren't all nasty liars, you men.  (see genuine, friendly
    smile, no rancor intended)
    
    Lee

    
>    I will say "I'll call you",  but at the moment, I feel sincere
>    about calling.  After a day or two, the feeling of the moment is
>    gone and it gets shuffled back into the recesses of the mind.  Soon,
>    I forget about it altogether.
    
Spence,

I think that you hit the nail on the head!

I used to use the phrase "I'll call you soon" all of the time.  I had
the best of intentions at the time I said it, but after a few days, I
realized that I really didn't want to see the guy.  I would feel
horrible, but I would convince myself that calling him would only lead
him on.  So, Catch-22, I made matters worse by not calling. 

Now, if I am not sure whether I will call, I don't promise anything.  
I say, "I can't promise anything, but I'll think about it."  Yes, it 
sounds cold, but that indecision is the absolute truth, and it's 
better than promising a phone call that might never be made.



					--Gerry

    Re -1.
    
    Good `line' Gerry! It does sound a little cold, but I like the
    honesty of it. I, too, tend to fall into the "I'll call you.."
    trap, often leaving myself open for those aforementioned Catch-22
    situations! 
    
    Bj

    
    	I like your response too, Gerry!!  I agree, it sounds a 
    	cold and unfeeling, but at least you are not leaving the 
    	person with any false hopes!  I'd rather have the honesty
    	than have someone "lead me on"...  If I feel "good" about
    	myself, then it won't bother me for him to be honest. 
    
    			My
    

    no offense i hope that I ain't gonna write a 50 line rssponse to
    this but it boils down to one thing
    
    some people are inconsiderate cruds is all there is to it.
    
    make tons of promises ....... never deliver
    

    
    
    ...is, if you offered your number without him/her asking for it....
    they are only being polite by telling you they will call!!They also
    may have found "greener pastures" :-) after talking to you???
          
    I've been on both ends and its the pits....either way!!!Especially
    if you really like the person.....but you keep lQQking!!!
    
    Tony....

    
                             I'll call you soon!
    
    Some men say that because they are not interestedin that person.
    Instead of them telling the truth, they will get your number and
    say I'll call you back but they never do. I guess some do it to
    be polite also. Some men say it because he is envolved with 
    someone else.And they try to play the field. I really don't think
    anyone has the real answer but those men who plays those games.
    
    
                                                 Harris
                                                 1/14/88.

    If a man tells me "I'll call you soon" I would take that as no
    future interest.  Only because I fell that if a man really wanted
    to see me again he would say I'll call you on _Saturday_ and if
    you're not busy, maybe we can do something as an opening for a
    near-future date.  If a man is really interested in me, I can't
    believe he'd let me get away that easily, because soon is not
    always soon enough!

	I'm with .11 and .16 -

	.11 : setting a precise date and time can be dangerous. People have
	different ideas of what "too soon" and "not soon enough" are - it's
	a lot of pressure on someone to say "I'll call you Monday" on Saturday
	night.

	.16: this happenned to me recently - I procrastinated, then changed my
	mind...

	Personally, if, at the time, I don't intend to call, I usually say
	"It was nice meeting you" or something like that. And *nothing* else.

	eric 8`)

    
    Nice to see this topic being revived as I'm sure this is an 
    on-going problem.  
    
    	RE:  -1.  I agree with your thinking.  I'd prefer to have 
    someone just part with a friendly parting comment as opposed 
    to stating they "will call" when they really don't know if or
    when they will ever call again!  Why say you will do something
    if you don't think you will?  There are other ways of saying
    "good-night" or "good-bye" rather than stating I'll call!  
    
    	Myra 

       
       	When I say "I'll call you soon" I mean it similar to .23. I
       have learned from experience that saying "I'll call you Monday"
       after a weekend date is just "too soon" to call.. Even if I
       pull a love at first sight.. "I'll call you soon" to me means
       like around Wednesday, Tuesday if they are REALLY something..
       NEVER on a Monday.. Sorry, but I rarely commit to a phonecall
       so early in a relationship. It somehow takes all the fun of
       anticipation out of it.. Oh yea, if she thought I was something
       and we both got that and SHE called on Tuesday then I'd be
       tickled pink... Oh yes, FWIW Dept., When *I* say "I'll call
       you soon" with the intention of definately calling, she knows
       I will just by the genuine smile I have on my face when I say
       it..
       
       	"It was nice meeting you" is a classic line to get the "It
       was nice meeting you but it's not going to go any further" point
       across.. I hate using it but it does work.. (And has worked
       in the opposite direction also.. I hear that from her and I
       know it's a waste to pursue any further..)

       
       	Just one guys opinions..
       
       							mike

    How about a Monday night dinner with "I'll call you Saturday". 
    I think if I really liked this person, I would want to know
    about when he is going to call so I'll make sure I'm there.  It
    seems alot of other "things" have come out of this one topic, and
    maybe should be posted somewhere else.  Or maybe I should be in
    WOMANNOTES (which I have yet to find).  But here goes anyways......
    
    A female friend of mine recently expressed how this guy ALWAYS
    calls her often.  She says maybe I would like him more if he
    didn't call so much.  I told her that if she REALLY liked him
    it wouldn't bother her, and that he couldn't call enough!  It is
    hard for me to understand the concept of "growing" to like someone.
    You either like them, or you don't.  If you have "grown" to like
    them, in my opinion, you are just settling for whatever you can
    get, and it probably won't last very long, considering you didn't
    like them that much in the first place.
    

    Re: .26
    
    There has been a discussion on "how do you get to the second date"
    in QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS, though a discussion here is perfectly
    reasonable.  If you are looking for WOMANNOTES, it is on node
    COLORS::.
    
    						Steve

       RE: .26

         I guess I've dated too many women like your friend.. That and
       I've learned to need my own time to decide what I'm doing..
       Maybe too many times of jumping into things only to be
       dissappointed..
       
       	FWIW, I too was like you at one time in thinking "What's this
       growing into someone sh_t?"..  ALOT of people don't want to
       feel pressured.. I turned into one of those people.. If I dated
       someone Saturday and they called me Sunday then I'd probably
       be less than thrilled. If they called me Tuesday I'd be psyched..
       
       	Clear as mud??  
       
       	Oh yes, don't take me as a prime example of the male species.
       Mileage may vary and all that.... ('sides, I think I'm stranger
       than most about all that stuff...)
       
       						mike

    RE:  .28
    
    I guess I just want to be chased.
    
    Regards,

       
       
       	I never said I didn't... {smirk}
       
       						mike

    

RE.28  > Oh yes, don't take me as a prime example of the male species.
       > Mileage may vary and all that.... ('sides, I think I'm stranger
       > than most about all that stuff...)
       
       We always knew that you were strange, glad to see you realize
       it too.   :-)  But thats not to say there is not a number of
       other of us out here that aren't that way also. 
    
       On the other hand, when I say "I'll call you soon" means
       I will call. The timing is depentant upon how the last
       meeting between myself and the other person went and the
       look on her face and in her eyes as we parted company.
    
                                                Bob B
    

       
       
       	This is true Bob.. I've always thought of you as a strange
       character.. :-)
       
       						mike