Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    Acknowledge her attraction to you. Note that you are flattered.
    Explain that it is inappropriate to take action. End of discussion.
    

    RE: 49.2 

>    Acknowledge her attraction to you. Note that you are flattered.
>    Explain that it is inappropriate to take action. End of discussion.
    

    I am told that honesty may not be heard. It may be acknowledged,
    but not heard, i.e. result in a behavior change.  Folklore suggests
    that the most effective way to address this situation is with a
    moderate dose of rudeness.  I'm not sure this would seem like the
    most effective approach if we did a symmetric gender flip in the
    situation.
    

     re .1-.3:
     
     Sounds like you're all shooting from the lip a bit, sizing up the
     situation without reading (or is it without hearing?) the facts:
     
         > And you are attracted to her, against your beliefs in your current
         > relationship.

     re .0 (title):
     
     Is it sexual harassment if someone makes an overture to you, and
     you're not quite sure whether or not you want to reject it?  Not in my
     book.
     
     --Mr Topaz 

    re general
    
    I concur with .4
              
    We could still discuss "what do you do?"; but I don't think it should
    be under the title of "Sexual Harassment."
    
    - M

    
    So I changed the title. Okay now?

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Note 140.2            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               2 of 7
RSTS32::TABER "If you can't bite, don't bark!"       22 lines  18-DEC-1986 14:39
                        -< Is it okay to go both ways? >-
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I guess, in just a random comment, it would depend on how much your
marriage means to you.... 

Would you be willing to trash your life for that opportunity that may
(or may not) become an acceptable alternative?  I'm not denegrating
the woman or her proposal, because she might be looking for something
stable and supportive as well, and ancticipating that you're her
way to get that... and love you madly as well.

If it happened to me, no... I wouldn't be willing to even consider it.

If it happened to my husband, I trust him to do the same.... because
I haven't heard otherwise....

But on the side of the woman, if I were doing the proposing, I'd
fight like Hell to make him say "yes" and then make him forget his
wife!!!

(Shame on me, and me a married woman !!!! I can't help it.  I'm a
spoiled brat and I usually get what I go after!)

Karen
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Note 140.3            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               3 of 7
APEHUB::STHILAIRE                                    14 lines  18-DEC-1986 15:10
                                -< All's fair? >-
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    I agree pretty much with .2.  It all depends on the situation. 
    If I were the man in this instance, if my marriage included monogomy
    as a commitment, and I *knew* I could not tolerate having my wife
    cheat on *me*, and I didn't want to wreck my marriage because I
    was very happy, then I would NOT go for it.  Why wreck the possibility
    of a happy entire life with one person, just for a chance in the
    sack with another?
    
    However, if I were the woman in love with the married man, I'd go
    for it!  I wouldn't consider it to be my problem if *he* didn't
    place a high enough value on his marriage to refuse me!
    
    Lorna
    
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Note 140.4            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               4 of 7
LYMPH::MUNSON                                        21 lines  18-DEC-1986 15:43
                         -< Thanks, but no thanks... >-
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    It depends on what is wanted from the "tabu" relationship.  My 
    goals as an unmarried woman were to find someone to form a stable
    (i.e. long-term) mutually-trusting relationship, so I've never been
    able to figure out what motivates people who go after folks who
    are already in some form of relationship.  My observations lead
    me to believe that someone who would put a night in the sack ahead
    of the trust of a current mate is probably not the sort of person
    I'd want to be involved in.  Basically, "if he'd screw around with
    me, he'd probably do it again with someone else."  
    
         (Please note that the masculine pronoun is used because 
         I'm a heterosexual female.  The same reasoning would 
         probably hold for all other combinations.)

    It may be a bit old-fashioned, but I don't see what the point of
    a "single night of bliss" would be.  My experience is that sex is
    much better when both folks know each other well enough to be 
    concerned for each other's needs and desires, and to be aware of
    what is needed to fulfill them.
    
    Joanne
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Note 140.5            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               5 of 7
APEHUB::STHILAIRE                                    10 lines  18-DEC-1986 16:02
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    Re .4, I agree with much you say EXCEPT for the part about,
    "If he/she would screw around with me he/she would probably
    do it with someone else".  That is NOT always true.  Just
    because a person cheats in one relationship does not mean they
    will in another.  Relationships are very different and the
    same motivation may not be there.  
    
    Lorna
    
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Note 140.6            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               6 of 7
PIGGY::LMCLAUGHLIN                                   33 lines  18-DEC-1986 16:16
                         -< To thine own self be true >-
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    Finding other people attractive is a part of life. . . regardless
    of one's marital status.  That being the case, it's CRITICAL that
    you get married ONLY because you really want to spend your life
    with a particular person.  Otherwise, why get married?  You can
    date forever if you so choose and be free for those instances of
    temptation.  
    
    I think you should EXPECT to be attracted to many different people
    throughout life.  That way you won't feel overwhelmed when it
    inevitably happens.  But, you should also put things in perspective
    before it happens.  Recognize what is of value to you, how much
    work it took for you to create and maintain that bit of happiness, 
    and what the real cost would be to you if you one day lost it.  
        
    Often, you find someone especially attractive when you are taking
    your own loved ones for granted.  How attractive might your own
    wife seem to a stranger when she's looking and feeling her best?
    What kind of a woman are you forgetting about while longing for
    someone new?
    
    Enjoy your new friend, appreciate her beauty, and possibly even love
    her from afar.  But (my own feeling is) unless you are willing to
    give up all you've worked so hard to attain, don't betray your wedded
    love.  That, after all, is the very foundation of marriage.   
                                                              
    And for those women who would so readily fight for their rights
    to a married man:  Why??  That is so ultimately WRONG.  All you
    end up gaining is a man who can be compromised.  And you tear a
    family apart at the seams in the process.  My words may sound strong,
    but the tragedy you work so hard to create is too.  
                                       
                            With good intent,        
                                -Lynn-
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Note 140.7            Mutual attraction in a Tabu situation               7 of 7
APEHUB::STHILAIRE                                    10 lines  18-DEC-1986 16:33
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    Re .6, Lynn, I agree with most of what you say, too, but I don't
    believe that a person can really steal another person away from
    somebody else.  I think that a person who appears to have left his
    or her spouse for another person was probably very unhappy in their
    marriage to begin with, and this person who supposedly lures them
    away is just the final push needed for the unhappy person to leave.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    Ahem. With Wendy by my rocking chair, I'd better say, for the record:
    
                    ** THIS NOTE ISN'T ABOUT ME, FOLKS **

    I have a friend who seeks advice.

    Andy, I hope you had permission of all those contributors to
    WOMANNOTES to cross-post their entries here...
    
    If it happened to me, I'd also admit being flattered, and gently
    reject.  There is no point in humiliating anyone - if the woman
    is able to come away from the encounter feeling good about herself,
    there should be no ill effects.
    					Steve

    
    Ulp. No permission was sought.
    
    Sorry!

    What is the tabu being considered, the work environment or the marital
    status of one or more parties?
    
    While it may be considered a no-no to become sexually involved
    with someone you work with, I think it depends on the individual
    and how they relate to people, both intimately and professionally.
    
    

Attraction to others (while "taken") is normal, and nothing to be ashamed about.
 It doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with them.  Generally, one has an
  affair because one is unsatisfied with the sexual relationship one is involved
   in.

In such situations, though, it's best to work on that dissatisfaction than to
 seek it elsewhere.
  <_Jym_>

    
    
    	It really depends on how much you really value your marital
    	relationship. Only your friend can answer this, Andy. If his
    	commitment to his wife still exists then his fidelity will
    	remain intact, if not??? 
    
    	Ask your friend to try to imagin his wife in the same situation.
    	Maybe this will help if he *really* confused on what to do.
    
    
    	C.
    
    

    Difficult question.  I don't if I would be strong enough to simply
    say thanks but no thanks.  I believe I would attempt to develop
    a platonic relationship (get to know her without going to bed) and,
    if she is my type, let the relationship take the direction she
    suggested.
    
    Difficult question!  A part of me wants to write the 'proper' thing
    (no thanks)  but I know that would not be the truth in all situations.

Usually the existing relationship has to be going through rocky
times before the "attached" person starts thinking seriously
about getting sexually involved with the single person.  The
question is whether the attached person should break off with
his/her current mate before starting the new involvement?  In
theory, probably yes (if you want to be moral/ethical/etc.),
but in practice it may be like looking for a job: somehow your
prospects look more secure when you're still in your current
one.

Good situation if you want to do lots of agonizing...

    Now let me get this straight.  (You put de lime in de coconut...)
        
    She "fancies" him and says so.  She doesn't care that he is
    married/attached.  He is attracted to her against his *beliefs* in
    his current relationship.
    
    Is it purely a sexual attraction?  I'm sexually attracted, in varying
    degrees, to most woman that I meet.  I've never placed any of these
    attractions over my relationship, responsibilities, commitments
    but then I am very satisfied in my married relationship.  Is he satisfied
    in his current relationship?  If it's not purley sexual then what
    kind of attraction is it?  Personally, I could not be more than
    sexually attracted to a person that 'does not care' that I am
    married and would not think twice about contributing to screwing up
    that relationship.
    

    Greg    
    
    
    

    I love the way everyone jumped on the sexual aspect of this topic.
    Let's try a different scenario, just for curiosities sake. (by the
    way.... try to forget the manager employee gaff. Think of the two
    people as equals)
    
    A more subtle approach is taken in which a friendship is established.
    That friendship grows quickly due to the inherent attraction between
    the two people. Confidences are exchanged. Some confidences you
    realize your wife wouldn't understand you sharing with another woman
    whether they were your confidences or hers so you don't share that
    with your wife. Perhaps you take to stopping at a pub on the way
    home Friday nights with the rest of the work crew. Perhaps your
    mutual interest in bowling leads to the two of you on the same team.
    It's an affectionate friendship... a quick kiss or hug here and
    there. It is a supportive and emotionally satisfying friendship.
    And there is some portion of it that your wife is unaware of. Are
    you cheating or not?
    
    The point I'm trying to bring up is that most men seem to think
    with their c***. And looking at the replies to this note seems to
    reflect that. There are two aspects to any intimate relationship,
    an emotional and a physical portion. Affairs usually indulge one
    or the other. The end of an affair comes because the relationship
    can't get out of the single dimension being indulged whether physical
    or emotional. But our society is hung up on the sexual so cheating
    is always thought of as sexual and not emotional. It is also much
    easier to define. The point at which a friendship crosses over to
    something deeper emotionally is an extremely private matter not
    easily observed.
    
    In this case (if the situation were coworkers) I'd have suggested
    the old line about never dipping the pen in company ink and trying
    for a friendship with a possible understanding that things maybe
    could change depending on the marriage and the working relationship
    at a later date. 
    
    Denny

	I doubt a husband, wife or SO can tell their partner has been
    having a sexual laison if the laison has not been emotional.  Futher,
    I believe he or she should not care (provided proper care is taken).
    An emotional laison, regardless of the sexual depth, is another
    matter.  Developing the emotional attachment is not wrong but keeping
    it a secret certainly is very wrong.  
    
    	I have run out of time.  This question deserves a much more
    deatiled response.
    
    Douglas