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Conference quark::human_relations

Title:	What's all this fuss about "sax and violins"?
Notice:	Please read all replies to note 1
Moderator:	QUARK::LIONEL

Created:	Thu Jan 21 1993
Last Modified:	Thu May 08 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	133
Total number of notes:	1901

123.0. "Nosy Neighbors" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Tue Aug 06 1996 14:33

    The following entry has been contributed by a member of our community
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				Steve






	In the living situation that I am in, I have 2 other 
	households for neighbors - we are fairly rural and 
	fairly close, so you can't help but see the neighbors.  
	In one of those households is a person who thinks I 
	should let her know when I have company, because - she 
	claims - she has 2 early teen boys who don't know who 
	the strange cars belong to.  

	I have lived in the place for the last 6 years, they moved
	in one year ago.  In the past, there were 2 other parents
	with much younger little girls - I was never asked to 
	report on my company, and feel it is unreasonable to do 
	so.   There is no steady stream of "strange" cars to my
	unit, and in fact, they have more than I do (and no-one 
	bothers to tell me anything.)

	I am also reluctant because since this person moved in, 
	she has been a pain in the backside with her constant meddling - 
	asking questions about who is visiting you and for how long, 
	what you have in your groceries, whether or not you've had 
	days off from work, where are certain friends she may have 
	seen once or twice, and my company is also grueled.  On one 
	occasion, she and her partner were in my home and she pulled 
	the old neck-craning routine to read what papers were on my 
	desk.  

	I am very resistant to giving away any information about my 
	business to this person mostly because she seems to think she
	is entitled to it.  If I thought she respected my privacy and
	right to keep it that way, I'd be less resistant. 

	I rent this place, and there is no lease.  I would like to reset 
	the privacy boundary and keep the peace.  Opinions/advice ??

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
123.1		MPGS::WOOLNER	Your dinner is in the supermarket	`Tue Aug 06 1996 17:40`	22
	IMO teenage neighbors' idle curiosity does not obligate you to explain your social life to anyone! I could see where there would be some conversation with the neighbor if, say, your guests were occupying an unreasonable number of parking spaces (your basenote doesn't indicate if this is a shared-parking arrangement), or if there was a noise problem. If (hah! when) she asks again to be notified of your company's identity and schedule, can you feign confusion about why the teenagers need this info (and then either escape into your apartment or into your car)? Maybe you could explain sweetly that you don't mean to appear standoffish, but that you've grown accustomed to being a self-sufficient adult for X number of years and it has never been your style to give more information--nor ask it--than was needed. (You were an only child...you were raised by wolves... whatever!-- just don't give any indication that intend to change your style.) Your library probably has a book by "Miss Manners" (Judith Martin?); I bet she has some classic rejoinders to the nosy-neighbor problem. Good luck! Leslie
123.2		TALLIS::NELSON	It's not the years it's the mileage!	`Wed Aug 07 1996 10:18`	10
	I think she's using her sons purely as an excuse -- she sounds like a nosy person and you shouldn't give up your privacy for her benefit. I think I would ignore her requests, and try to distance myself from her, and if that didn't work tell her point blank that what I do in my house is my business and not yours. Brian
123.3	ex	TARKIN::BREWER		`Wed Aug 07 1996 10:48`	28
	several replies pop into my head, peaceful ones : "I don't choose to share that information with you" "I feel uncomfortable disclosing the details of my life to others" "I would appreciate it if you would not ask me about my private life" Not as peaceful: "I don't think that's any of your business" "Mind your own business" "Get a life of your own and stay out of mine" "I don't have to file any reports with you" I could go on forever with the not so peaceful ones. But, I'd probably try the broken record...over and over ..repetition of some of the peaceful ones for awhile before I began whipping out the others. Good luck, nosy neighbors are an unbelievable pain. db
123.4	Response by anonymous author of base note	QUARK::MODERATOR		`Mon Aug 12 1996 14:06`	35
	re .1 Thanks. There is ample parking, and I am sure that parking is never an issue - we all have our own parking stalls and one extra. I ensure that my company is aware of where to park and what space is mine and what is not. No one has ever complained to me that me or my guests have been in their way or caused a hassle of any kind. The same is true for noise. I too thought the teenage boys' idle curiousity was a flimsey excuse. >>.... you were raised by wolves... whatever!-- I like that, I'll see what effect it has... :-) re .2 I have found that the more I distance myself, the more I am baraged with questions. I have had to catch myself from screaming "It is none of your business!" so many times, that it is not funny. I prefer to get the message across in a sane, emotionally un-charged way if at all possible. re .3 Thanks for the "peaceful" pointers. I will try to sit down and talk with her about this issue and make it very clear where the personal boundaries are. ------------------------------------------------------------------- This all came about because this person and her other half decided to erect a fence between 2 of the units without 1) asking if the other tenant cared/minded, and 2) without even asking the landlord. Surprisingly, they felt they had done nothing wrong and couldn't understand why people were upset. The other tenant and myself asked if they would at least let us know about things like that which effect everyone who lives there, and that is where the request to know about my company came from.
123.5		DECWIN::JUDY	That's Ms. Bitch to you!!	`Wed Aug 14 1996 17:41`	11
	Let me get this straight. She puts up a fence (assumedly for privacy?), and then wants to know about everything that's going on on your side?! Hoo wee, I think a neighbor like that would send me over the edge. I wish you good luck! JJ