Conference quark::human_relations

    I would have to say that you'd better sort out your feelings towards
    this person. Either you want him or you don't. If you don't then you'd
    better let him go so he can build a life without you. If you do want
    him and you want to go all the way then you'd better tell him or lose
    him. He must still have feelings for you or he wouldn't be with you.
    
    Jealousy is a relationship destroyer. You ended it and you told him to
    move on and then you got upset when he did. 
    
    You are going to have to be honest with him about this choice. If you
    want the independance and a life without him then that will be your
    choice. If you want a life with him then you'd better decide that now.
    The sooner the better.
    
    It sounds like you're on an emotional roller coaster and you're taking
    him with you.
    
    

    <=== what she said. I agree, you can't have it both ways.
    
    Thanks Kary
    
    Steve

    	It sounds to me like you're worrying way too much about what he's
    doing rather than concentrating on you.  I can understand where you're
    at -- you ended it and then realized just how deep your feelings went
    and decided you wanted to work it out.  It may not be possible now
    though.


    	But I would agree with your earlier assessment, this person doesn't
    seem to know what true love is.  He sounds like a very needy person who
    will latch up with the first person who will give him what he wants.
    I know I couldn't move on in 6 weeks if I truly loved someone.  Knowing
    this may help you move on.


    	Good luck,



    Brian

    Remember, you broke up with him and he was very hurt and angry.  This
    other woman shows up with a sympathic ear and he is very vounderable.
    They hit it off and she fills his needs quickly and get very attached
    quickly.  He probably still has feelings for you ect.  But remember,
    the woman he is with now has not hurt him and you have.  He feels safe
    and secure with this new woman and not with you.  If I were you, I
    would tell him exactly how you feel and ask him if he is willing to 
    stop seeing this other woman and just see you.  You will have to
    convince him that you will not hurt him that way again (If you really 
    mean it) and see what his response is.  If its not what you wanted to 
    hear, then I guess you should move on with your life and find another
    special person in you life.
    
    Good luck
    
    Dom

A friend of mine was in the same situation a year ago. He left the new
woman for the old. A few months later, he was with noone. I thought he
was better off with the new woman ... for the reasons pointed out in .4.

What happened to the reasons you had for ending the relationship?  You 
mentioned you have differences (age/values) and that your "intuitiveness" 
told you that this person wasn't quite right for you.  I'm not trying to make 
you feel bad, but to remind you about why you ended it in the first place.  
Alot of times when we're lonely we begin to feel a little desperate and 
forget why we chose to continue on a different path.  We sometimes 
run into obstacles (lonliness) along the way and start to question our 
original motives.  I know... I've been there!  Only I chose to go back and 
guess what?  I'm at the SAME x-roads again!  Only even more leary of jumping 
ship for fear of feeling alone again... so I stay on!  I'll never find Mr. 
Right this way and you won't either.

Try to gather some strength back and remind yourself that it was you who 
wanted to end it.  Your a logical, independent woman who has probably done 
alright for herself in all her other decisions.  Sooooo you'll definately do 
alright in this decision!  You sound like your just having a set back.  I'd 
like to see this continue to be YOUR decision and not HIS.

Just trying to ease the pain.

A concerned reader.


  

    I agree with .6.  You had reasons to leave.  You were not getting out
    of the relationship things you needed.  You mentioned in your note
    that he lives with his parents, can't manage his money (at least in
    your opinion), has some "addictions" he needs to work out.  Judging
    from this laundry list, there are some very real reasons why you wanted
    out of this relationship to begin with.
    
    I can understand you wanting him to still like you and "be friends". 
    We never want to intentionally cause pain to someone we once loved. 
    However, you must allow him to grieve on his own, getting support from his 
    family and other friends.  It is not your responsibility to make him feel 
    better.  He will survive.
    
    You don't want to feel lonely, and you do without a man in your life. 
    It's a terrible void that is very difficult to overcome.  You will
    become a better, stronger person if you work through the loneliness and
    emptiness and become your own person again before trying to build
    another relationship.  
    
    You had good times with this man once, but you realized that he isn't
    the person you want to spend forever with.  Think fondly of the good
    times you shared, but realize you want, and deserve, someone who is
    more compatible with you; someone who doesn't have "problems" that you
    feel you want to help him through.  I will be willing to bet you really 
    don't want to work through these problems with him.  If you did, you 
    wouldn't have left him to begin with.
    
    Be true to yourself.  Don't allow your loneliness or your jealousy of
    his new relationship to alter your plans of making your life a better
    one.
    
    Sue
    
    

I've been in situations in which I've found myself more attached to a 
relationship and to the "stuff" it brings (the travel and dining and 
companionship and so on) than to the actual person.  I think this is why it 
can sometimes be so difficult to leave someone -- because you have to 
abandon the comforts of the relationship as well.  

It's definitely possible to be a relationship addict or romance addict and 
not be in love with (or even care much for) the other person.  Perhaps this 
is the dilemma of the person who wrote the base topic.  Perhaps that person 
dreads the relationship loss at least as much as the partner loss.