Conference quark::human_relations

It does sound as though your friend has taken on a boyfriend with a lot
of responsibilities; considering she has never been married and is without
childred (that's the way I read it).  It would definately be 'easier' to
be involved with someone with no past obligations such as children, ex-
wives, etc., but....
I have a few questions.  Does he include her in his visitations with his 
children? Or haven't they gotten to that point yet?  If she is welcome to
be involved with him and his children, that could be a rewarding experience
for her too -- which is only 2 days of the week -- the other 5 days or
evenings can be for the two of them to be together.
As far as the financials go, does he have to cover his daughter's car
payments and insurance, and his parents difference in mortgage?  That could
be quite an annoying burden.  The child support is a fact of life. You
must either accept it going in and appreciate the fact that there are
children being taken care of, or make the decision early on that this is 
not the type of relationship you want to be in.  I don't think you should
look badly at these circumstances, just whether or not the situation is one
you personnaly want to be in.  For me, taking your parents in is a personal
decision one makes in their lifetime.  I think it says alot about someone
when they are willing to take on the responsibility of their parents or
elderly care.  But again, it makes it difficult for a relationship.
The plus to this is, if your friend stays involved in this...if the need
ever comes about when she wants to care for a family member, he should
accept this pretty easily.
I suppose I haven't given much clear advice.  Your friend needs to weigh 
the pro's and con's of being in the relationship and of not being in the 
relationship, and also look at what good qualities she has that she can
bring with her to the relationship.  These could be very good for his 
children and parents if she chooses to stay.  If she has a hard time seeing
the plus side of his circumstances, then this is probably not the one
for her.

    	This is probably just me, but I absolutely *hate* those hot/cold
    situations.  It's an emotional rollercoaster.  Either the person isn't
    being straight with you, or there's something going on with them
    emotionally.  In either case it's generally not a very good scene.


    	He sounds to me like he's got considerable baggage, both family
    wise and emotionally.  That right there is usally a warning signal to
    me (the latter mostly).  I give him credit for being honest about not
    wanting to be committed, but this business of wanting to be with her
    steadily for awhile and then nothing for awhile -- I went through
    something similar a long time ago and I decided I wouldn't do it again.
    The kicker for me was when he told her to shut up -- how a person
    really feels about you is shown in their everyday *little* actions, I
    believe -- that's why those "little" things are so important to me.
    Love her?  Possibly.  But it seems pretty clear to me where his
    priorities are (and possibly rightly so).


    	From what you've described, if it were me I would likely leave and
    not look back.  Life is *way* too short to spend it being depressed
    over someone like that.  My own philosophy is to give a person and
    situation every possible chance -- then finally, if it really isn't
    working, I can leave with a clear conscience knowing I did everything I
    could.


    	Best of luck,



    Brian

    It's obvious that she is going into an extended family situation.
    It's going to depend on the family interactions and if everyone can
    learn to interact in a positive way. It takes about two years for
    everyone to trust/bond. If people are willing to work it out and
    communicate with one another then it really could work. Life is a risk.
    Relationships are risks. It's her life and her choice because she's the
    one that's going to have to live it. My suggestion to you as her friend
    is to listen to her, but you're going to have to let 'her' make her own
    lifes choices.

    
    I personally would leave the situation.  I'm another who can't stand
    the rollercoaster.  Sounds to me like he's playing games.  What does
    he do during the lulls of their so called relationship?  If she
    is having a hard time dealing with this maybe she should give the
    ultimatum of all or nothing, it all depends on what she wants.
    
    My 2 cents..
    
    

    
    	I sounds like your friend has some significant self esteem
    problems. "Love" isnt worth being at the bottom of the pile, coming in
    last all the time and being the low priority interrupt. Heck, she even
    lost her freedom to be vocal during sex! How many things is someone
    willing to give up "in the name of Love"?
    
    	The answer to that depends a lot on how much one thinks of
    themselves. I believe that someone who values their own self and thinks
    highly of themselves, would not settle for such a situation. They'd be
    confident that they could easily find someone who was in a position -
    both situationally and emotionally - to take better care of them, to
    make it seem that they were "most" important to them and be able to
    treat them in such a way, that they would feel was more along the lines
    of their own self value.
    
    	I know your friend, deep down, thinks more of herself that what
    she's getting out of this. Otherwise she wouldnt be in pain about it.
    She's just afraid...
    
    	Joe

Dump him.

    
    	On his priority list, she seems to be way down there.
    	I couldn't live with that. I need to be near the top.
    	So, I wouldn't stay with him. If she can live with being 
    	somewhere after mom,dad,kids,EXs,jobs...well, god bless `er.
    

Whenever i hear someone say up front that they aren't ready to be 
committed, that's a tip off that they really aren't ready for any
relationship. I feel sad for your friend and would strongly suggest that
she break the ties and move on. Why should she have to settle for someone
with so much baggage and who "isn't ready" to be committed? I've seen it a 
thousand times before. She should look at the trail he's left behind and 
read the writing on the wall. Life is too short to waste on someone who 
won't be there for you. 

/james

    If this were me, I'd run and never look back.  Your friend seems to 
    be way down on the list of this man's priorities.  It sounds as if
    everything is on his terms only.  Life is definitely too short for
    settling for this type of relationship.