Conference quark::human_relations

101.0. "GENERAL - CO-DEPENDENCY" by TARKIN::BREWER () Fri Aug 11 1995 15:27

	I don't have the last word on "what is a co-dependent"
	but this is how I have come to understand it. At one time,
	it was used to describe/label the spouses/children of chemically
	dependent persons. As in, the person using the substance is
	a Dependent and the other people in their lives are co-dependent.

	The term evolved to cover a much broader spectrum of people.
	Not just those in-and-around active chemical dependency..but, 
	people who are in relationships with (either by choice or not ..as 
	in children of...) people who are living by codes/rules/ways that are
	unhealthy. Which in turn...usually means that they become unhealthy.
   
	It is not really "new". AA has been in existence for 60 years.
	The spouses of the alcoholics began to register their issues..
	(they stayed with these people as they got sicker and sicker..
	 and why did they DO that ?????) not long after that. Al-Anon
	was started. I am sure there were terms used before that..
	
	I have attached a list here from a flier which may or may not
	help to come to your own conclusions about what "codependency" means.

	Like I said..this is only my cut on it...
	I am sure others have stuff to add regarding the meaning it holds
	for them.

	peace
	dotty

    
    TYPICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENTS
    
    	We assume responsibility for other's feelings and/or behaviors.
    
    	We feel overly responsible for other's feelings and/or behaviors.
    
    	We have difficulty in identifying feelings.
    
    	We tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to our
    	feelings.
    
    	We have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relation-
    	ships.
    
    	We are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
    
    	We are perfectionistic and place too many expectations on ourselves
    	and others.
    
    	We have difficulty making decisions.
    
    	We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how
    	we feel.
    
    	Other peoples actions and attitudes tend to determine how we
    	respond/react.
    
    	We tend to put other people's wants and needs first.
    
    	Our fear of others feelings (anger) determines what we say or
    	do.
    
    	We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant
    	others.  We value other's opinions more than our own.
    
    	Our self-esteem is bolstered by outer-other influences.  We
    	can not acknowledge good things about ourselves.
    
    	Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others
    	are feeling and/or behaving.
    
    	We tend to judge everything we do, think, or say harshly, by
    	someone else's standards -- Nothing is done, said, or thought
    	"good enough."
    
    	We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for
    	help is both okay and normal.
    
    	We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside
    	the family; or that feelings just are -- and it is better to
    	share them than to deny, minimize or justify them.
    
    	We tend to put other people's wants and needs before our own.
    
    	We are steadfastly loyal - even when the loyalty is unjustified
    	- and often even personally harmful.
    
    	We have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with
    	others.