Conference quark::human_relations

    
    
    Go for it as long as you know they are available: if they're not
    find someone else...be-careful though while your at work.
    even though that's were most people meet or in school,or a club.
    			
    					good luck & keep us posted
    
    						BR
    
    

    I would suggest you at least say something or find something
    that would allow you to attend or be someplace where you
    could at least see and talk with one another.
    
    The challenge of letting this go on too long is that the
    fantacy you create in your mind can be projected on the
    other person to the extent that you don't recognize
    reality.  That then can extend your feeling for him so much
    that you overrun common sense flags that may tell you to
    either slow down, check out more about him or your
    feelings etc.  
    
    I know first impulses are to just go for it, and that may
    be one approach.  On the other hand, you must make sure
    it is you interacting with him and not the fantacy of what
    you project yourself to be dealing with how perfect you have
    made him in your mind and how wonderful the two of you already
    feel in each other's presence.
    
    Just some other thoughts.
    
    Jim

    How do you know the other person is attracted to you too. 
    
    Be careful. Keep your eyes open. Have a friend review this with you and
    think about their advice.
    
    
    I have been there...
    Steve

    
    re. .0
    
    Just a few thoughts here:
    
    	- See if you can become friends first. Talk to 
    	  him, find out more about him. Maybe you'll
          find out things that'll lead you to a quick
    	  decisions. There is no harm trying to be a
    	  friend.  
    
    	- Attractions alone cannot make a friendship/relationship.
          Crushes are fun, but they don't amount to anything
          most of the time.
    
    	- Nobody should have to wait to be a friend. 
    	  Stay objective though.
    
    	- If this guy is available, nice and whatever, then
    	  ask him out if this is your style. Don't do anything
          that you are not comfortable with. The way I see it,
    	  be yourself, if the other person cannot deal with your
          true self, then you should move on, you'll be much
          haapier in the long run. 
    
    	
    Eva
          
    
    	 

My advice is to forget about him. I've learned from past experience 
that work-related romances are not something to get involved with. 
Have you heard the old saying you shouldn't play where you get your pay?
Well, there's much truth to that. Even though the convenience of such a 
situation is tempting, it's best think before jumping in feet first.

/james

    
    I think as long as you don't work together on a day to day basis
    or in a the same reporting structure, and keep it low profile,
    it should be fine.
    
    A lot of people met their spouses/partners at work. The workplace
    is actually not a better place to meet people, since some form of
    prelimary screening has been done! We just have to keep our
    professional integrety in mind.
    
    Eva

    
    Oops, I meant not a bad place in .6
    
    Eva

    
    
    
    	Go For It. 
    
    
    	I did 13 years ago and we just had our second little girl
    	in June.
    
    
    			DAC
    
    

    
    	Re - .anon.	
    
    	I think one reason why the situation seems so "horrible" to
    you is that it's so *fused*...wound-up, so to speak. 
    
    	Maybe by simply talking to the man, saying "hello" and finding 
    out that he's really just as an ordinary human being like the rest of 
    us, will serve to defuse the "crush" for you. Then you'll have room to 
    decide if he's someone you'd like to pursue further, or forget about.
    
    	I think the only danger would be to leave your feelings "operating
    in the dark" and let the voltage build to the point where it's now not
    only a distraction to you, but to him as well. If he's noticed you,
    I'm sure he's picked up on the density of what's going on in you. He's
    probably wondering: "well, why dont you say 'Hi' or something?"
    
    	My armchair advice is; defuse, defuse, defuse it, by using the
    ordinary social skills I'm sure you have. You can take it down from 
    being such a big deal - and it'll be less of a distraction to your work
    and your serenity in being at work. Maybe you'll both do lunch one day 
    - and you'll find that you really like who he seems to be - or - that 
    you dont like what he shows of himself that much at all - and life will 
    go on. Albeit a bit easier for you than it is at the moment!
    
    	Joe

        Hi,
        
        I felt very excited reading your advices. My problem seeems to be 
        very similar, but.... I guess it's much worse - as my object is 
        already married.
        
        What do you think of that? Go for it? I have a dilema really....
        
        ks

Hi,

Personally, I wouldn't try to ignite a romantic relationship with a married 
person at work, or even with a woman I know already has a boyfriend, unless I 
get some *VERY* strong indicators from her directly (*not* from the 
grapevine) that her relationship with that person is on the rocks and beyond 
repair.

Nevertheless, I've made some really good friendships with women who I know 
are already "taken."  I find that when both a woman and I know consciously 
beforehand that there's zero probability of romantic involvement, then all 
tension dissolves, walls drop, and we relax; if things "click" between us as 
friends, I usually end up with a relationshop that provides almost as many 
rewards as a romantic one.  Sure, the balance is more cerebral, but as the 
years progress I'm beginning to derive an enormous amount of satisfaction 
from that piece of a friendship anyway, romantic or otherwise.

I have such a relationship right now with a former DEC employee, and have had 
for over a year, and I can discuss (and have discussed) things with her I 
wouldn't even dream of mentioning to anyone else.  I wouldn't give up this 
friendship for anything, except my cats.  Who knows, maybe the married person 
you refer to could become such a friend to you.

I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be "all or nothing."  

YMMV depending on your needs, of course.
                                                              

    
    	Hi ks,
    
    	.11 has some good things to say. I'd be careful with that
    situation, even in defusing your problem by perhaps beginning casual 
    conversations with him. My guess is that an ordinary American male,
    even married, wouldnt mind getting admirations from an unattached woman.
    ...I suspect his ordinary American wife wouldnt exactly be "cheering him 
    on" however, given she even knew what was happening. 
    
    	Your "going for it" would probably create tensions for him and his
    family. You have to ask yourself if you really want to effect this
    kind of disturbance in someone else's life. People do it _all_ the time,
    yet whether you choose to or not depends on your own beliefs and morals.
    To me, the Golden Rule and ideas like "you reap what you sow" suggest
    proceeding only with much caution and awareness.
    
    	Hope this helps,
    
    	Joe

    DON'T GO FOR A MARRIED MAN.  Any "married" person should be off limits
    for romance, either platonic or not so platonic... there are too many
    available persons in this world to get involved with a person who is
    NOT available. That person has a wife, a family, a commitment, that he
    freely got into. That should be respected. Find someone who is free for
    you, make friends, enjoy life, live and let live. Life is wonderful
    when there are not complications or mistakes on our part...
    
    Please be careful and avoid a serious heart ache...
    Ana

       
    re .10
    
    DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH A PERSON WHO HAD MADE A COMMITMENT TO
    ANOTHER PERSON NO MATTER HOW BAD THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS.
    
    There are a few reasons, IMO:
    
    	- You are the intruder in their marriage. Respect their 
    	  commitment. Be a friend, but don't get involved.
    
    	- The person you are interested in has to deal with his/her
    	  current commitment. We are not talking about trading a
    	  used car in for a newer model ;-);-) We have to take 
    	  responsiblity in our actions. If she/he is not happy in 
    	  his/her marriage, wait until he/she signs a separation 
     	  agreement before getting involved. 
           
    	- Can you trust someone who has an affair while married?
    	  History can repeat itself, but the next time you may be on
    	  the other side of the fence!
    
    
    Eva

I'll emphatically second .14's comments, especially the second "reason".

					Steve

      Hi,
      
      Thank you all for these valuable advices, but it seems that everybody 
      treated me as a person who likes damaging other people's lifes 
      especially married, breaking into their family, being the reason of 
      divorce and so on...
      
      Gosh! It happened to me for the first time and I did not want to 
      damage anybody's life but believe me it's hard /especially at work/ 
      to press yourself not to think about the person you are in affection 
      with. Of course we can be friends, and I think we have already 
      achieved that but it's not what I really want.
      
      On the other hand I realize that the long-term relationship would not 
      be possible between us - I don't want to marry this person. What I 
      was hoping you would tell me was the advice how I can get rid of the 
      feeling which doesn't allow me to work and talk as a "normal" person. 
      I am thinking of this person 24hrs a day (well maybe not as much) and 
      I really get tired of this because I sometimes catch myself on 
      imagining the situations I'd like to happen. I know they will never 
      happen as I am not brave enough and do not want to make anybody 
      unhappy!!!
      
      I am afraid everything will go to far and one day when I look into 
      the reality I will be very disappointed.
      
      ks

    I don't read it as people against you.  Most people in your situation
    don't conciously set out to hurt others.  But what often happens is
    that they rationalize their behavior and motives and end up causing
    pain.  I think that those of us asking you to NOT persue this were
    trying to show you a side of it you may not have considered in the
    hopes of dissuading you.
    
    My advice would be to find some other activity, outside work, into
    which you could channel your energies and time.  (Gee, I'm sounding
    like an advice columnist.)  I would also say that you should perhaps
    try to maintain an emotional distance between you and the other
    person - it may be too difficult for you to "just be friends".  Indeed,
    most damaging affairs start out just that way.
    
    Good luck to you.  The fact that you've been able to admit that this
    troubles you is a good sign.
    
    				Steve

    Re: .16

      
>      On the other hand I realize that the long-term relationship would not 
>      be possible between us - I don't want to marry this person. What I 
>      was hoping you would tell me was the advice how I can get rid of the 
>      feeling which doesn't allow me to work and talk as a "normal" person. 
>      I am thinking of this person 24hrs a day (well maybe not as much) and 
>      I really get tired of this because I sometimes catch myself on 
>      imagining the situations I'd like to happen. I know they will never 
>      happen as I am not brave enough and do not want to make anybody 
>      unhappy!!!


    	The fact that you're tired of this going on all the time is
    probably a good first start.  It often helps to get "fed up".  ;-)


    	I'd also recommend distance.  If you're thinking about this person
    all the time, then it makes sense that distance will lessen the amount
    of contact and thus (hopefully) lessen the amount of time you spend
    thinking about this person.  You'll have fewer reminders.


    	One trick I've used in the past -- and I don't guarantee it'll work
    -- is every time you find yourself thinking about this person, remind
    yourself that you're NOT going to think about them.  This has helped me
    when getting over particularly tough breakups where the person had
    become a large part of my life and I had many reminders all around me.
    At first, I have to work and really remind myself that I'm not going to
    think about this person; eventually, after you've given yourself enough
    feedback, it starts to become ingrained and you don't have to work as
    hard anymore.  I've found this to *help*, but there's no getting around
    that you do have to work at it.  It's not easy at first, and it takes
    awhile for the feedback to get through my thick skull.  Your mileage
    may vary.


    	Keep busy, go out with friends, do things, try new things.


    	Good luck,


    Brian

    
    re. .16
    
    I am sorry if I came across harsh. I was trying to emphasize the NOT-TO
    part because I understand how hurtful and serious things can get.
    
    It sounds like this is a good time to start a new hobby, a new project,
    go on a vacaton, take a course, call up some old friends, occupy yourself 
    with something fun. Also, consider this is a worthless waste of your time, 
    life is too short to hang onto fruitless investments. YOU are in control 
    of your thoughts and actions. Go do something "beneficial" for yourself.
    I understand this is not easy, but it is part of the human maturation
    process. Look upon this as a growing experience and learn from it.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Eva 
    
    

    
    	Hi ks,
    
    >  be possible between us - I don't want to marry this person. What I 
    >  was hoping you would tell me was the advice how I can get rid of the 
    >  feeling which doesn't allow me to work and talk as a "normal" person. 
    >  I am thinking of this person 24hrs a day (well maybe not as much) and 
    
    	Unfortunately, you cant "get rid of" a feeling. Distractions,
    "keeping yourself busy" are just delays at best and will not serve to
    *resolve* what's in you. You're going to have to feel, as "bad" as you
    really feel; talk "abnormally", obsess over the person perhaps, until
    it goes away. Now the good news: 
    
	You dont have to do it *alone* - you've already taken a commendable
    fist step by talking about it here! We're here to listen. I'm sure you
    have others whom you can share this feeling with, how it is for you, in
    person, rather than over the computer terminal.
    
    	It *will* pass, go away eventually. It's difficult *right now*, but
    I bet that you cant think of a single time in your whole life when you
    felt, say, sorrow over a loss of some sort - or something else of equal
    weight - that didnt eventually subside. The process happens faster
    when you talk about it with someone.
	
    	You dont *have* to take action, based on the feeling you have.
    You have the choice to be self-responsible *to* your feeling, cause
    after all, it is trully yours. That's of course in lieu of acting out
    *from* your feeling and having "everything...go too far and one day...
    be very disappointed" in yourself.
    
    	Armed with these ideas, you can get yourself through it, cause 
    no harm to anyone, and become a better person yourself from the
    experience!
    
    	Joe

    Is there an update to this problem? Did anon. become freinds with this
    person? Did the crush wear off?