Conference quark::human_relations

    Maybe you don't adjust to change real well...
    
    I'm noticing this same thing with some of my friends...I've been making
    changes in my life and two of my friends are really trying to keep me
    back. It seems as if they can't let go. I'm still there...I really
    haven't gone anywhere...just changing paths. They keep trying to pull
    me back. I'm finding myself getting frustrated at them. It seems almost
    like they can't accept the change and I've already made the change. I'm
    kind of looking at them in a little different light now. It's like
    they're going to the extreme not to let things change and I'm starting 
    to think they're being selfish not to let me make these changes.
    
    BTW the changes are really good for me! I quit smoking and quit
    drinking coffee at night. I don't want anyone to come over and smoke at
    my house.  I think it's a great change...it's been 6 weeks...I'm
    celebrating. Some of my friends however are uncomfortable with this.
    

    Re .0: Believe me, I know how you feel; letting go (or, as I see it,
    knowing when to move on) has always been a problem for me too. I tend
    to stick with something rather longer than I feel I should have (when I
    can look back on it objectively), largely because I don't like to make
    big changes and tend not to do so until the discomfort of not changing
    becomes too great. [The disadvantages of a high pain threshold...] I'll
    try and remember to check my bookshelves; seems I do have a book or
    three on the subject. Not that any of them make it easier, mind, but
    they do provide some coping techniques, and remind me that I'm not
    alone in being this way.
    
    Re .1: yeah, it can be a problem when some folks want to change and
    others aren't comfortable with it. In your case it sounds as if your
    friends might be reading your own changes as some kind of implied
    criticism of them - if they don't want to quit smoking, say, but you
    have, they might perceive your actions as condemning their choices. If
    there's a way you can "clear the air" on that, it might help. [Or maybe
    not. Sometimes people do grow in different directions, and not all
    relationships are meant to last forever.] It's also _possible_ that
    they aren't really trying to hold you back, but that when they try to
    continue on their own paths (where those diverge from yours), you feel
    it as a holding-back... Hard to tell, sometimes.
    
    -b

    Dont worry about it... life is too short! 
    
    Have fun and live and let live.
    
    Cheers, Ana

    re .0
    
    Been there.  Let me recommend "Man's Search for Himself" by Rollo May. 
    This was written way back in 1953, so there's a lot of overuse of the
    masculine pronoun, but if you can get past that, I think the book's
    worth reading.
    
    The book does not deal directly with letting go, but it nevertheless
    deals with the causes of such behavior.  It doesn't provide easy
    solutions, either.  But it does help explain why we do a lot of the
    things we do, and why we too often cling to the familiar.
    
    	To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose
    	one's self... And to venture in the highest sense is precisely
    	to become conscious of one's self.
    
    					- Kierkegaard, from the book's
    					  preface
    

    	Re .0 - Xtine
    
    	Letting go is all about grief - and who wants to be "in grief",
    right?
    
    	I've heard it said that you can consider this with something as
    seemingly innocuous as completing a project - you have to grieve the
    lost experience - of gathering the materials, divising a plan on how
    to proceed, doing the "fun" part, writing the report and documentation.
    This could easily be likened to painting an oil painting - with the
    "frame" task as being like writing the final report. After you put the
    frame on, the painting's done. The _experience_ is over - it's gone.
    
    	Less innocuous is changing jobs. There's grief in leaving something
    familiar (unless of course that's masked by resentments) and moving on.
    
    	It's been suggested to me by my wife that I'll grieve The Mill when
    I finally move over to Parker St. Gee, I've - only worked here nearly
    ten years...I wont miss the familiarity of those soft floors, every
    elevator and stairwell...tunnel and hallway that I know so well.
    
    	Anyway, one reason it's hard to let go of something is because of
    the grief that follows from watching it drop out of sight. Grief is
    rarely a _pleasant_ experience, but if you're willing to be with it
    on its own terms and timetable, it ends up (usually) as Grace, as it
    takes you to a higher ground emotionally.
    
    	Hope this helps,
    
    	Joe

    
    What good advice... I have the same problems with some issues.
    Try the book, "Necessary Losses" (SP)? by Judith Voist
    it helps...At least it helped me with some of my problem.
    Good Luck.      
    
    			B.R.

    Thanks for the help...
    
    I appreciate it, though I haven't much to say in return.  I am hoping
    an awareness of the issue will help in some way, but to an extent its a
    case of 'time will tell'.
    
    
    Xtine

    
    	re -.1,
    
    	Unfortunately, the way "time" can handle such cases is something like 
    "Well, it looks like they just havent suffered enough yet". Awareness
    of an issue like this is a wonderful beginning, but...IMHO, it'd be useful 
    for you to take it deeper than just that...whenever you're ready to,
    hopefully before it causes you some difficulty again.
    
    	Joe