Conference quark::human_relations

Based on my own experience, I'd say that you might feel this way because you
feel betrayed by your wife.  What I've come to realize is that when most
people get married, they don't really take a close look at exactly what they
are promising to each other, with the result that each partner may have
different expectations of what marriage means.  Many people think it means
a guarantee of happiness-ever-after, and when things don't quite work out
that way, as inevitably happens, they find it easier to quit than to try to
work out the problems.  If you believe that problems are still
"fixable", but your partner doesn't (or doesn't seem to care), you can
definitely feel betrayed and abandoned.

Your situation isn't what mine was, but the feelings are similar.  It's good
you are in counselling, but, in my opinion, bad that you are on medication.
That to me is preventing you from coming back to life and moving forward.
You do need a time of grief, and your emotional state will be crazy for
a while, but with good counselling and the support of friends you can make
it.

My advice for you right now is practical - if you haven't already consulted
a "family law" attorney do so immediately.  The longer you put it off,
even if you have hopes for a reconcilliation, the greater the chances that
you'll get screwed financially and emotionally.   You should fight for
joint/shared custody of your child - this is VERY important.  Don't just
let her keep the child under the assumption that "that's the way it works".
Also, knowing what your legal status is can help you feel some measure of
regaining control over your life.  So far, you've allowed your wife to
control things.

See also note 6 in QUARK::MENNOTES for various organizations that can provide
support and advice for you.

				Steve

    	Re - Anon.
    
    	Why? - first off, because you're grieving. She left you and you 
    feel it as a loss for you. Because it is, regardless of how she was, in
    terms of the drinking/partying behaviors you didnt like. In that
    you're grieving the loss of the *relationship* as much as the loss of 
    "her". Maybe moreso - do you really miss seeing her drunk on another 
    fella's lap - and how that made you feel? 
    
    	Unfortunately, grief is something you just have to go through.
    It's probably a "grace" in your favor that she left, though I can
    understand that it's unpleasant for you at the moment. In time, 
    your pain will lessen. The best thing you can do is to sit and be
    with your feelings. I know - easy to say from this end...but you
    gotta go through it in order to heal and become well again.
    
    >The major reason was 
    >because my SO felt I controlled her life and I didn't like her to go 
    >out and drink/party with friends.. etc...  
    
    	Maybe you did - it's *common* in relationships where one party
    is the "wild" one for the other to be somewhat "controlling". Perhaps 
    yours was a situation where she was addicted to alcohol - while you were
    co-addicted to her; keeping her in line, managing things while she
    was off, etc.
    
    	You probably dont need to hear this at the moment. I want to
    say though that I've been there, in your shoes, where you are right
    now in all the pain and anguish over her leaving and not knowing
    why! When I was there, basically what I had been doing was trying 
    to "make it nice" for someone who was an alcoholic and simply didnt
    want my caretaking "efforts"!
    
    	It was still a form of control, as in "me controlling her". Another 
    answer to "why" is that it doesnt work! You cant control another person!
    If you try, even with the best "intentions", most of the time you'll
    end up right where you are now - when they finally tire of you
    "hassling" them in trying to "get them to change" - and they leave.
    
    	The only person you can change is yourself. If there's no level
    of trust in your relationship, that's NOT something which is going to 
    "just change in time". Two people have to work on developing it until 
    it changes - or - it becomes clear that the person you're with has no 
    intentions of "developing" anything. In that case, *you* have the choice 
    to either accept it - or leave; change yourself relative to the
    situation.
    
    	It says something, that I read how clearly you did not accept the
    condition of "I have zero trust in her - for good reason", yet chose 
    to stay in the relationship. That's called "co-dependancy" and is
    a big part of the devastation you're feeling - the loss of the
    relationship you were so dependant on in an emotional way. I know
    it's damn hard to figure out all on your own. I'd say keep going to 
    counseling and perhaps ask your therapist about this. Maybe ask
    something like: "Well, what do you think it *is* about me - despite
    all those reasons I felt so terrible about - that I'd choose to stay 
    in the relationsip anyway?"
    
    	I hope they can tell you, it'll help a lot! It helped me.
    
    	Joe
    

    My last relationship (nearly 3 years long) had a lot of similarities. 
    It involved an alcoholic, and the bottom line reason we didn't remain
    involved was trust--all the little and big lies over time added up.
    
    These days it's hard for me to get involved in a new situation since
    I'm so bloody intolerant of alchohol (any at all) or "white" lies.
    
    My life sucked for about half a year, and since that point what I've
    been doing is throwing myself bodily into my career so I never have
    time to think about all the emotional pain.
    
    Hopefully things will become stable (for both of us, I mean). 
    Meanwhile try not to let your ex control your life.  You said you're
    feeling worthless, or that you don't care what happens to you.  Well,
    maybe *she* doesn't much care, but the rest of us do!
    
    And get that attorney, double-time!
    
    -rich
    Mass Storage Engineering OEM D&SG  SHR3-1/W7     DTN:  237-2124
    Work: [email protected]                      508-841-2124
    Home: [email protected]

 Dear Annon.

 I can really sympathsize with what you're going through after being there
 myself. "You must grieve your loss" and not try to stifle it with medication or
 alcahol. I would suggest reading some of the many books out there on divorce.
 Two books that helped me a lot were Uncoupling and Why Relationships End and How
 to survive the ending of yours. If you'd like to talk off line feel free to call
 or write. Also get involved with a support group of some sort. I'd personally
 recomend PWP Parents Without Partners. You'll find a lot of help and suppport
 from people who have been there. Although family and friends are always
 supportive you need to be with people who know what your feeling and can help
 you recover from your loss and become the better person for it. Take care of
 yourself and your child and spend as much time together as possible. Its been
 over two years since our marriage broke up and although in the beginning I
 thought that my life just couldn't go on with so much pain and I could see no
 future. I now feel a new freedom and rebirth and now have big plans for the
 future as a single parent. I have made new single friends in DEC and through
 PWP. Most of all our children are happy and have made new friends too with kids
 from single parent families. Although their lives have also changed they know
 that they have two parents who love them even if they live apart.

 Take Care!

   Neil....

    My earlier reply didn't mention Prozac.  I have an opinion on this
    because of how it was used on me back in 1990.
    
    Shortly after being dismissed without just cause by an employer, I
    sought help from a shrink to get through the hump.  My goal was to
    restore wounded self-esteem and to refocus my career.
    
    Within two or three sessions (keep in mind this is immediately after
    a traumatic event, in my case a job loss and in yours a relationship
    loss), the shrink had me on Prozac.
    
    The therapy didn't help, apparently because the therapist never
    understood what I was really there for (fixing my career problem).
    The drugs didn't help, probably because I didn't really need them.
    Getting a new job did, in fact, help a great deal.
    
    So, while I disagree with blanket assertions that you "shouldn't" be
    on psychiatric medication, I would strongly recommend a healthy dose
    of skepticism.  Chances are good that you don't need the drugs, and if
    there's any question on that subject, be conservative:  avoid the drugs
    if you aren't sure they're helping.  There are two risks involved with
    drugs:  (1)  you'll become complacent and just do whatever the doctor
    says (which often serves the doctor's needs more than your own)--I've
    seen this happen a lot, especially in in-patient hospital settings; and
    (2) you'll come to depend on the drugs and your doctor long-term, even
    far beyond the point where the relationship is productive.
    
    As for whether the drugs help or hurt the grieving process, I can't
    say.  Maybe you can figure this out for yourself:  does the effect of
    the drug tend to numb you out and avoid thinking about the future and
    past, or does it tend to help you confront your reality?
    
    I've known cases where people have numbed themselves out (either thru
    mind-altering substances or overwork) for *years* after a traumatic
    event.  Recovery doesn't really get off the ground until you get on
    with your life, and learn more about yourself.
    
    -rich 
    Mass Storage Engineering OEM D&SG  SHR3-1/W7     DTN:  237-2124
    Work: [email protected]                      508-841-2124
    Home: [email protected]