Conference quark::human_relations

    
    
    Maybe she just believes that this is what she wants to do.  No longer
    does one have to be married or even part of a couple to bring up a
    child.  I agree that the optimum situation for a child would be
    with both a female and male caretaker be they mom and dad or whomever.
    Yet, I also know that if I chose to I could bring up a child on my
    own.  I was brought up with my brothers and sister without a father.
    
    Why do you feel that the lack of marriage or that of a serious
    relationship is making her unhappy?  Up until recently I was single
    and lovin every minute of it.  I am incredibly independant and like
    to not have to rely on others due to my internal trust issues.
    However, I know that love is far too great not to take a chance on.
    I also believe that taking time for oneself is the best thing for
    each of us.  This is all your interpretation of what you are seeing.
    Is this the same situation that she sees?  
    
    It seems to me that she has some basic trust and abandonment issues
    if she can foster kids,but not want to make a committment to a 
    relationship.  Maybe you could approach a discussion from that
    angle?  
    
    Michele

    It sounds like she has a problem she needs to work out on her own.
    
    If you feel you HAVE to say something, then suggest some counseling, 
    but be prepared for a defensive reaction.  She may not WANT to be 
    in a relationship.  Nothing wrong with it, some folks feel the cost 
    is too high, or feel that until someone who can break through the 
    walls comes along, they'd just as soon enjoy thier life as a single 
    unattached individual.
    
    If it were me in your shoes, I personally would keep my mouth shut 
    and wait to see if SHE brings up the problems.  If she doesn't, then 
    assume she is content and leave it alone.  
    
    Keep in mind, what WE see of other's is what they show.  And many times 
    what they show isn't necessarily the way things are.  She may complain 
    about not having someone special, but then again, she may be saying it 
    because it's expected of her to be disappointed in not having someone 
    special.  She could very well be content in the way her life is going 
    right now.  AND she isn't "too young" for children.  
    
    That is unless you're speaking from a 'maturity' aspect.  I can show
    you a LOT of people who have had children at that age and younger and 
    have no regrets about it.
    
    FWIW
    Skip

    One thing to remember in the middle of supporting her...is to not make 
    judgements or give your opinions of how she should do things unless she
    asks.  Ask her questins so she comes up with the answers around what
    she's doing and why.
    
    If she wants to foster a child, and is truly, truly doing it for the
    betterment of herself and the child rather than doing it to keep busy
    so she doesn't have to look at what's really so in her life, then it 
    would be great of you to support her.
    
    The way you describe her reminds me of the way I used to be.  If I were 
    your friend and I was not aware of what I was doing to myself, was not 
    aware that I created my life being the way it is, was not aware of how 
    I am in relationship such that I'm not in one AND you were bold enough 
    to tell me the truth....I would want to know it!!!!     
    
    I put on a show for so long, acted a certain way to please others, didn't 
    trust men for nothing, left every relatinship and made it about them, was 
    very very independent and wouldn't dream of depending on ANYONE, and kept 
    myself so busy there was no time for true intimate relationships that I
    lost touch with what I really wanted and who I was in the world.  
    
    Until a friend of mine told me in a straight, blunt yet loving voice...
    "It's okay to cry, you know!"  I hadn't realized how much I shut myself
    off.  Yet I was the center of attraction, the party planner, the one
    who knew everyone....
    
    I've done a LOT of work on myself and look at things very differently
    now and am grateful for that one simple sentence...it was the
    beginning.
    
    So you have to be willing to tell her the truth and in the middle of
    that, have her not like you because of it.  You have to be willing to
    be honest with her in order for her to get that she can really trust 
    you.  Don't be like veryone else and ignore it, if you want her to be 
    the best she can be and she's not....reveal yourself and tell her the 
    truth.
    
    Big Hugs,
    Tracy
    
    

    	I had the same impression as Michelle, that the person you describe
    sounds like they have some trust issues.  I needed some time to think
    this all through before responding, though, because it's a fairly
    complex situation.


    	On the one hand, I agree completely that it's not really necessary
    to have two parents these days.  If I were a child and had the chance
    to choose I would choose one (relatively) healthy parent over the
    traditional family situation where one or both parents have serious
    problems.  Of course, at least in my mind the best situation for all
    concerned is if you can have two (relatively) healthy parents.  It's
    better for the kids and much easier for the parents.  So in this sense
    I don't really have a problem with your friend wanting to raise a child
    or two on her own.


    	However, as we've fairly clearly established that SOMEthing is
    going on for her, I also think she should take care of herself first
    before she tries to raise any kids.  Something I learned from someone
    awhile back is the phrase, "You pass it back or you pass it on."
    Meaning any issues you have as a parent your kids are likely to pick up
    to some degree; kids are such incredible sponges.  I don't think it's
    fair to foist her issues on some innocent child.  We have enough of
    that going on as it is, I don't see any point in adding to the
    situation.


    	If your friend loves kids as much as I guess she does, if you were
    to point out something like this to her I think she might reconsider.
    And if she were to explore her issues and possibly get some help
    reconciling them, she would be putting herself in a much better
    position to raise kids while at the *same* time improving the quality
    of her own life.  Seems like a win-win situation.


    	I'm not trying to advocate that we all be perfect before having
    kids, but I do think we need to take care of ourselves and become the
    type of person who can *give* what's needed in raising children.  Major
    issues should be dealt with before the little ones come.


    	My thoughts anyway.


    Brian