Conference quark::human_relations

    Simple,
    his dream means more to him than his relationship.  Three months is a
    reasonable length of time for a relationships to start and end... I do
    hope you will get BETTER friendships that leads into LOVE, not just
    relationships. Forget him and go on with your life... it is not worth to 
    cry over spelt milk.
    Cheers,

    I a nutshell .1 is right Jan 
    
    He weighed out what you meant to him vs. what his 'world saving' means 
    to him.  He thought it out, decided it was worth more then you were
    and gave you the bad news.  
    
    Some men prefer to approach relationships with a logical 'mind
    controled' process instead of letting their hearts control it.  He 
    will probably move on to a life of awards and acknowledgements for his 
    work.  But when it comes to love... he'll probably end up a lonely
    individual.  Not to say he won't have friends, but unless he locates
    one that is 'into' his work as much as he wants to be, he won't get 
    much in that aspect of his life.  
    
    Consider yourself well off, if you had become further envolved and the 
    relationship followed it's natural course and conclusion to marriage, 
    it's concievable that you would have ended up with him spending more 
    time at his work then with you.  
    
    Skip

First of all, I don't think this is a "man's thing".  Women can dump
relationships too.

However, I (a man) will share my side of a similar story.  It might not be
applicable in your man, but it's what happened to me.  I don't feel that
good about it, but I feel willing to share.  By the way, I encourage others
to share too.  Keep the focus on yourself !  I feel it's more effective to
share "here's what happened to me" rather than "here's what *you* should do".

I went out with a woman several years ago.  I really liked her alot, and I
was very attracted to her.  She seemed to like me just as much.

At some point several months into the relationship, I started noticing
some sort of wrinkles or stretch marks near her abdomen.  Perhaps related
to child-bearing (she had two kids from a previous marriage).

Over the next several weeks, I started feeling physically turned off to this
woman.  We'd be in bed, and when I touched her at those stretch marks, the
feeling turned me off.  She felt "old" and "ugly" to me.

The affect was that I totally lost attraction to her.  I didn't want to be
with her.

I finally broke off the relationship.  She was *very* hurt.  She didn't
understand why I was so devoted to her, and then I had a sudden turn-around.
She was totally confused and baffled.

I wasn't willing to explain to her.  My codependent issues wouldn't let me
tell her "I'm turned off to you because you have stretch marks".  My
codependency told my *mind* "don't tell her that.  There's nothing she can
do about that aspect of her body, and it will only make her feel worse".  This
was probably stinkin' thinkin'.  She likely would have been less hurt if I
could tell her the truth.  I just felt too much shame and embarrassment at my
own shallowness to tell her.

But, now that I've grown more honest with myself, through SLAA (12-step
program about sex and relationship issues), I see the deeper truth.  Namely,
stretch marks aren't the truth.  Closer to the truth is my own fear of
committment, intimacy, permanency, death.  I let small physical blemishes
grow in my perception of them so that I don't have to admit the deeper
truths.

I'm still working on theses issues.  Thanks for listening.

/Eric

    Re: .0


>    Can someone help me understand what goes through a man's mind
>    when he makes a decision like the one I'm about to share with 
>    you.  I guess I just don't understand what has happened.


    	I can understand why you feel this way, but from what I can glean
    from your account I don't think this is a "male" thing.  I think it's a
    personal thing.

    
>    I was in a relationship with a very special man for 3 months.
>    It was easily the most open, honest, comfortable relationship
>    I've ever been in.  Totally out of the blue on Monday he 
>    ended it.  I can tell this is a very intellectual decision and
>    not a heartfelt one.  He has actually confirmed this.  Apparently 
>    (and I'm not sure I'll explain this well since I don't understand), 
>    he has this vision of how he plans to help change the world with 
>    his work or whatever and when he is with me, he wants other things.  
>    I'm not sure what those other things are but basically I think he 
>    loses site of his vision some how.


    	My take on this is that he has some dream that is very important to
    him, so important that he doesn't want to take a chance on anything
    getting in the way.


    	I think the reason you didn't anticipate it is because when he's
    with you, there is no conflict within himself.  He's probably quite
    happy.  However, he can't be with you all the time and when he's not
    with you is when this dream starts to call him again.  That's when the
    conflict probably sets in, because he wants to be with you but he also
    wants to follow this dream.  Knowing he can't do both to the degree he
    wants, he's forced to choose between one or the other.


    	He may change his mind about his priorities some day, but I
    wouldn't live my life on that basis.  If you can, continue the
    friendship; if that's simply too difficult, move on.  You can't control
    him or make him change his mind (would you really want to?).


    	Regards,


    Brian

    Thanks for the replies.  They each help in a different way
    (especially 16.4).  Talking about this and being able to ask
    questions to aid in understanding is one of the ways I'm 
    dealing with things.  Luckily I am able to ask them directly
    of the source of this confusion too.  He was able to put
    why he made the decision into words once.  Unfortunately it
    happened to be at a time when I was in too much of an emotional
    fog to grasp it and he hasn't been able to articulate it in 
    a manner I can understand since.
    
    Jan
    

    
    	I think your man has no idea, basically, of the potential that
    a successful relationship has to further himself *toward* his dreams.
    
    	As an example, my wife offers me some wonderful perceptions that I
    just would not otherwise have! I find consulting her perspective to be
    entirely worthwhile whenever I'm going to make a major decision...even
    given that the choice is ultimately my own. I realize I could make some 
    really dumb moves based entirely on my own thinking (That's through 
    experience, folks) and I highly value her and her inputs in my life
    today.
    
    	I dont buy that it's an "either - or" situation at all. I think
    that just a rationalization; typical, as the product of a intellectually
    based decision -
    
    	Joe

    re:.0
    
    Are there any reasons why you can't ask your ex-boyfriend the same
    questions you asked in .0?

    I've asked him a lot of questions in the last 2 weeks.  Most of them
    he has answered and I have understood.  For some reason he can't 
    articulate his exact reasons for ending the relationship in a manner
    I can understand.  I'm beginning to believe there is something he 
    is holding back too.  I'm sure that when he feels ready, he'll find
    a way to tell me.  In the meantime, I've decided to get on with my
    life.  He'll always be a special person to me and I believe that we
    can be friends...good friends.
    
    Thanks to everyone who replied here.
    
    Jan
    
    
    4ed >  ao

    Good for you.
    
    I asked that because the way I see it, he's really the only person
    who can answer your questions, all we can do is speculate.

    .3
    
        You dumped a woman just because she had stretch marks ????
    
    Wow !!!      ( Not a flame.....just surprized...)
    
    

    
     Also, Eric,  what's  SLAA  ?
    
       ( no judgements here....just curious  )
    
    
    Jack
    

    SLAA is an acronym for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a self-help 
    group that patterns itself after Alcoholics Anonymous.

More specifically, SLAA meetings are attended by people whose life has become
unmanageable regarding any of the following issues:

o	Obsession over one person

o	Obsessions over many people

o	Problems having healthy relationships

o	Problems with anonymous sex

o	Compulsive behavior, including:  masturbation, voyarism, exhibitionism

This is an abridged list.


If you feel you have problems with any of these sorts of things, feel free to
call the international SLAA number, 617-332-1845.  Tell them what area of
the world you are in, and they can tell you where and when meetings are.
Here in the Boston area, there are SEVERAL meetings every day to go to.

/Eric