| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 11.1 | | REGENT::WOODWARD | I'll put this moment...here | Wed Jan 27 1993 13:01 | 21 |
| I hate to disagree with John Powers, but I feel we've progressed in
schools by eliminating the need to "win." During a kid's formative
years, his/her self esteem needs as much support as possible. Teachers
and coaches should do everything in their power to help kids feel good
about themselves. I am glad to see sports such as Little League
being replaced by sports such as Outward Bound. Little League
challenges person X to be better than person Y. Naturally, there'll be
disappointment there. Outward Bound, on the other hand, lets the
person challenge his or her own abilities. To reach a little higher
than yesterday, to go an extra step, to do something that he/she never
dreamed he/she could do.
I am sure everyone has stories about how awful they felt in school
because they were teased about not being smart enough, fast enough,
rich enough, coordinated enough, tall enough.
Kids need all the credit they can get. I'm all for eliminating
"competition" among children.
Kath
|
| 11.2 | | SCHOOL::BOBBITT | pools of quiet fire... | Wed Jan 27 1993 14:44 | 11 |
|
I'm kinda with Kath.
For me, the bar gets higher, and I vault over it again and again.
It *still* feels like it's not good enough, nor will it ever be.
The message was ingrained early that I can't do it, whatever it is.
And it's a mighty tough message to eradicate.
-Jody
|
| 11.3 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Wed Jan 27 1993 16:45 | 6 |
| The only thing he's got RIGHT in that, is his name.
I never read someone so OUT of touch with the 'problems in this country
today' in my life.
Skip
|
| 11.4 | | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Fri Jan 29 1993 07:10 | 7 |
|
Anyone see the recent TV documentary on modern methods of
schooling? They stressed the development of the individual traits
each child inately possessed, rather than the development of traits
some adult deemed as "what's valuable".
Joe
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| 11.5 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Fri Jan 29 1993 08:59 | 15 |
| Joe,
Unfortunatly I didn't see the documentary... but it makes good sense.
Every child has unique abilities and if we were to take time to
concentrate on those skills when teaching and raising them. Overall I
think we'd be in a lot better shape... less frustration and stress
trying to develope skills to satisfy other peoples impressions of
what is necessary and valuable... heck we'd even move on toward jobs
that would utilize our skills to the maximum and leave us feeling more
content in our jobs. (I forget the statistics but an overwhelming
number of people are doing jobs that they are not content with for
various reasons which boil down to feeling that the job doesn't
utilize their abilities or potentials.)
Skip
|
| 11.6 | | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Fri Jan 29 1993 09:55 | 18 |
|
Skip,
I'm sure you would have liked it! They implied that it was the
schools job to find out what it was that each kid had as an inate
ability, and put time and energy into nurturing it, so each kid
would end up with something for themselves that they knew they were
"good at".
This is in contrast to running each child through a "mold machine"
and having them come out with various levels of ability across only
one set of curricula. There might be a kid that's terrible at reading
and writing and math and sports - but put a *trumpet* in her hands
and she can play any melody once she's heard it.
Now I dont know anyone who's like that, but it's that kind of thing.
Joe
|
| 11.7 | Turn it around!! | COMICS::SUMMERFIELD | Walk on sunny side other side wet | Fri Jan 29 1993 12:09 | 18 |
|
I believe that Mr Powers has it *totally* the wrong way
around!!
If you feel good about yourself then you can achieve
amazing things - I used to have no self respect and
whatever I tried was always a complete disaster. I
always knew it would be before I even started... So
I made it come true, thus reinforcing the belief that
I was useless.... But I've worked on that. I now
believe in myself and now when I just decide I want to
do something I just get on with it without even
thinking if I can or can't - and I'm pretty gobsmacked
at some of the stuff I've achieved. I'm quite amazing,
really!
Julia
|
| 11.8 | | DSSDEV::RUST | | Fri Jan 29 1993 12:21 | 17 |
| Weeellll... while I don't think the article in .0 expressed it very
well, my first take on it was that it espoused more honesty; that is,
don't go telling all the kids that they're excellent ballplayers if
they're not. Now, that's a very different thing than trying to play up
a kid's strong points, or to teach kids to value all sorts of different
skills rather than just being good at sports or getting good grades,
etc. To that degree, I agree with .0 - it does nobody any good to be
given the same "that's fine, dear" smile for every single thing they
do.
I certainly agree with others here that the emphasis on competition is
often too strong, too pervasive, and misplaced. But I don't think that
there should be NO absolute comparisons of skill - just that excelling
(or failing) at one thing should not be taken as an indication of a
person's overall worth...
-b
|
| 11.10 | Worf "Then why keep score?" | CSOA1::HOLLAND | I *AM* the bass player | Fri Jan 29 1993 13:09 | 24 |
| I'm in agreement with most of the replys. To tell someone that they
are great compared to the greatest is a lie if they aren't. To tell
someone how much better they did this time over the last time is
goodness. Maybe what people need to compare with is their own past
performance. We usually are in the biggest competetion with ourselves
if there is enough self-esteem. When we give a damn about a sport,
project or whatever, we want to do "our" best and hope that it's better
than the rest. When we get recognition for our efforts, our self
esteem increases. The biggest killer of creativity is zero
recognition. Even negative recognition is appreciated - observe
troubled children.
On a Star Trek episode Worf was participating in a competion and could
not understand why the humans liked it only for the fun. He shut them
up by asking the question "Then why keep score?"
In real life there are winners and losers. Our challenge is what do we
do next? How many times did Thomas Edison "lose" as an inventer? Why
couldn't Einstein tie his shoes in grammar school and why did the
teachers think of him as stupid?
IMHO.....
Dave
|
| 11.11 | | XCUSME::HATCH | On the cutting edge of obsolescence | Fri Jan 29 1993 13:11 | 23 |
| I guess I'm not in to the touchy feeling stuff, because I agree with
the author of the article. It is a disservice to let kids and adults
rest on their laurels thinking they are as good as anyone else. Let's
get real, when it comes to certain skill sets we are not all created
equal. What is so wrong with admitting that?
I remember getting picked last at gym classes, was I worrying about my
self esteem, I don't think so. I learned how to be competitive. I
yearned to be one of "those people" that where the best. Had I been
rewarded for my inferior attempts, I'd have had no motivation to become
better. Is it any different in the "grown up" world?
When everyone on the team is praised in equal portions, how do the
player who are better feel? They feel like they are wasting their time
trying harder. The team need not be sports, think about work too.
By evaluating people against each other, they can know where they stand
and what they could improve on. With that lesson needs to come the
lesson that perhaps this isn't their strong suite. Teach the child that
their strengths may lie elsewhere.
Gail
|
| 11.12 | Hey! It works. | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | Don't panic -- yet. | Fri Jan 29 1993 14:05 | 7 |
| In the TV special alluded to, one interesting fact was presented.
If a child is given the time to do something s/he does well and likes
(and there is a strong correlation between the two), the child does
better in her/his other studies as well.
Ann B.
|
| 11.13 | | PASTIS::MONAHAN | humanity is a trojan horse | Sun Jan 31 1993 06:19 | 16 |
| The school attitude here is completely different. The exams are
designed to discriminate. A good exam has half the children getting a
score of 50% or below, and 50% or below is regarded as failure. Maybe it
lessens the impact if 50% of your colleagues are also failures.
The parents also are fiercely competitive. My 13-year old daughter
gets a couple of hours of homework per day, but at the parent-teacher
meetings the French parents are always demanding more, particularly if
their child is in the less than 50% group.
For my daughter it works well. She made it into secondary school at
the age of 10 (normally 11), but a boy the same age as her who used to
live next door is still at primary school. He just seemed to give up on
school work five years ago, and doesn't seem to have had much help. My
daughter needs the challenge of being in a class a year ahead of her
age group, but he needs real assistance.
|
| 11.14 | | WAHOO::LEVESQUE | Psychic Steroid Abuse | Tue Feb 02 1993 15:55 | 24 |
| I tend to agree with the opinion expressed in the basenote, though I do find
value in what some of the dissenters have to say. I personally consider the
deemphasis on competition to be detrimental to many, myself included. Some
people require competition to perform at their best. Without a need to push
one's limits, it is frequently easy to simply float along and underachieve.
Unfortunately, this attitude carries over from academics to business, to
the collective detriment of our companies in the world market. We are satisfied
with mediocrity.
When mediocrity is not accepted, it is abandoned in favor of impressive
achievement. Witness the inner city school where AP calculus was taught to
average students to such an impressive degree that the college boards people
believed that the students were cheating. They weren't cheating, of course,
they were rising to the challenge.
DEC itself has been satisfied with mediocrity for too long, and those
birds have finally come home to roost. We are now finding that quantum
leaps in achievement are possible, since we didn't push ourselves for
so long. It took a serious financial kick in the pants to get us moving
in the right direction, and stopping at this point would be devastating.
Like it or not, we'll survive as a company only by doing it better than
our competitors. The same goes for our nation. It's about time we realize
this and put this knowledge to work for us instead of watching our
competitors bury us alive.
|
| 11.15 | A New World Order? | CSOA1::HOLLAND | I *AM* the bass player | Tue Feb 02 1993 16:40 | 7 |
| Did everyone notice how our auto industries have come along and
produced better cars? Even though most cars are either duplicate drive
trains and different shells / full of "world" parts?
Things that make you go "Hmmmmm"
dlh
|
| 11.16 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Tue Feb 02 1993 17:11 | 67 |
| Okay I've read along enough... and enough is enough.
Compitition is NOT a solution to a problem. A need to achieve is.
ANd there is a BIG difference and neither one can replace the other.
To force a competitive nature on a child is bulk horse manure... to
instill a need to achieve the best to their potential is not only
something a child needs to learn, but it's something that the previous
note should consider as the 'answer' to the automobile.
It is not in sports, or anywhere else the desire to achieve ones best
comes from... it is not in putting oneself against the other. It is in
measuring ones OWN abilities and then pushing a little harder.
Maybe I should explain it differently... compitition is crap.
I'm not interested in the guy next to me. I could care less if he's
better or worse then me at say running a 100 yard dash. Because I'm
not any good at running a 100 yard dash. I might be more interested in
if I could improve with practice my time at the 100 yard dash.. but
not if I have to continually run against that guy next to me. I don't
like to humiliate myself against another person in something I couldn't
care less about.
Now if you want to put him up against me on glass engraving... I'll
teach him things he never knew. But that's only because I have an
interest in glass engraving.
I can ACHIEVE my best potential in glass engraving... I'll never
achieve any potential in running 100 yards.
Why?
Simple enough.... I had some minor leg problems as a kid, I couldn't
run very well... and was humiliated by other kids because I was LAST...
or at best middle in running. Never got any praise for it... more like
I got picked on for it instead.
BUT.............
I learned to draw on my own... I was born to it... from it I developed
an interest in art, and eventually learned to engrave glass with a hand
held diamond point. At 16 I was as interested in scratching glass as
other kids were in playing football (a running sport to my mind).
I received HIGH PRAISE for my drawing skills, from the moment I first
took a picture of a squiqqly line to my parents through to the present.
I've ALWAYS been praised for my skill.... then one day, I realized that
I was GOOD... suddenly I realized that I was not only GOOD but with a
little learning and studying I could be BETTER... Hell, I could be
BEST. I don't need to enter compititions for my abilities, I KNOW I am
good. I strive to ACHIEVE the best I can do. I don't compete have no
desire to compete and could care less about competeing with anyone else
in it.
A child who is praised in those areas that he is good at, desires to
achieve more in those areas... to learn and improve his skills, not out
of some wierd desire to compete against the world or to judge himself
against someone else, but out of a desire to achieve the best he can.
I'm sorry, I don't agree with the guy... in my book he might be on
to something, but he's running along on the next track over.
Skip
|
| 11.17 | Competition is necessary | COMET::COSTA | Getta Grip, dude. | Tue Feb 02 1993 22:02 | 19 |
|
Good, better, best? The need to compete is still in you Skip. See the
previous words. Even if the competition is in your mind with yourself,
the need to compete, even if against yourself, was learned from
competing with other in venues that you may have not been good at.
I see nothing wrong with being supportive and nurturing to children for
the first 4-5 years they ar ein school. Let them develop and find a
niche that they enjoy, are good at, etc. Then as they get older, allow
them to compete with those skills in whatever fieled it may be that they
feel they excell. If they fail, then they move on to other fields,
realizing that what there are other things they may be better at, as
Skip illustrated. If he had been any good at running foot races, he
probably never would have chosen to excell in glass etching. No he has
a nitch with which he can compete with anyone who choses the same
field.
TC
|
| 11.18 | Trophies for WINNERS! | MYOSPY::CLARK | | Wed Feb 03 1993 00:49 | 24 |
| Agree TOTALLY with the basenote. I am not sure at what time the system
developed where even losers get trophies but it sure cheapens the
trophy in my eyes. Trophies are for winners, NOT losers. Kids play
sports because they WANT to, they WANT to compete, they WANT to WIN,
not lose. Part of my little league/high school baseball experiences
was learning how to lose even after giving it your best. It's what
used to be referred to as the school of hard knocks and/or a lesson
in life. A few years ago I went to a Little League game in quite
a big-money town and was appalled to see the so called league champions
with kids in the outfield who couldn't even catch an easy fly ball. My
friend explained that it was so their feelings wouldn't be hurt if they
did not get to play outfield. Seems to me the humiliation in missing
an easy fly ball would be much worse. I laughed out loud about it. The
coach we had made us run so many laps for missing fly balls he thought
we should have caught and laps for not getting down in front of
grounders. Hey, which would you rather do, run laps or get down and
take a grounder in the chest if necessary. And, sensitive ones, we were
out to WIN. MUCH better than losing. This everyone's a winner crap has
unfortunately carried over into pro sports. Now we even have loser's
shares in the World Series and the Super Bowl. Let's really tighten up
the desire to win in the Series and Super Bowl. Here's my plan: Each
player puts up $50,000 of his own money into a pool and it's winner
take all. Bet that would increase the old competitive spirit quite a
bit. Trophies for losers? Don't make me puke.
|
| 11.19 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Wed Feb 03 1993 08:33 | 41 |
| Re.18
I NEVER played sports because I wanted to... I HATED playing sports
and STILL do. I'd rather read a good book, then go out and get
slammed in the middle,hit by a ball, run, jump or anything else.
I excercise to stay fit, and that's enough for me.
Re.17
No I don't compete, I improve. Again, a big difference.
Don't misunderstand, I don't necessarily believe trophies should be
handed out non-discriminatly... BUT, I see no harm in recognizing the
kid that makes to every game without fail for doing that, nor do I
see anything wrong in recognizing the most improved kid, so long as
the recognition is legitamite I see nothing wrong in Trophies being
handed out. The so called "Good Sportsmanship" is a catch, I don't
buy it. But if the kid supports his team, and works hard at it, I
think he's intitled to a little recognition for it... He has enough
disappointments comming to him in life, I don't see the harm in his
learning that if he works hard at what he does, he'll get recognition
for it.
No I still disagree alot with what is said in .0 I don't believe
compitition is the answer or problem...
I think self pride and individual achievement are. I can't see how
crushing a person's self esteem by 'suggesting' that they aren't any
good is going to give them a desire to compete and improve. The only
thing it ever did for me was make me go look somewhere else for
recognition. The thinking being "I'm a failure at it, why bother going
further." IF I had been given some encouragement instead, maybe I'd
have persued it more. But agressive compitition? I don't care what
the other guy does. So long as I'm doing the best I'm capable of, and
manage to learn from it so that I can improve my own skills and
abilites, then the only thing I care to say to the "other guy" is
"Go away and leave me alone." (Unless of course he's teaching me
something.)
Skip
|
| 11.20 | | WAHOO::LEVESQUE | Psychic Steroid Abuse | Wed Feb 03 1993 08:40 | 22 |
| > Maybe I should explain it differently... compitition is crap.
"Crap" or not, it is intrinsically part of the human experience.
> Now if you want to put him up against me on glass engraving... I'll
> teach him things he never knew.
Now wait a minute. On the one hand you claim that competition is "crap,"
in the next breath you boast that competing on your terms in the activities
you choose will provide you with a forum to demonstrate the superiority of
your abilities. That is the very nature of competition.
> A child who is praised in those areas that he is good at, desires to
> achieve more in those areas... to learn and improve his skills, not out
> of some wierd desire to compete against the world or to judge himself
> against someone else, but out of a desire to achieve the best he can.
This is not universally true. Many people will not push themselves unless
the occasion warrants it. Some people require competition to inspire them
to achieve.
The Doctah
|
| 11.21 | | WAHOO::LEVESQUE | Psychic Steroid Abuse | Wed Feb 03 1993 08:42 | 1 |
| So, Skip, you've never exhibited your glass engravings at a craft fair/show?
|
| 11.22 | | QUARK::LIONEL | Free advice is worth every cent | Wed Feb 03 1993 09:35 | 33 |
| The main message I got from the article was not that "winning is the only
thing" or even that "competition is good" (though I believe the author
agrees with the latter,) but rather "accepting mediocrity is bad". Or,
as Charles Osgood so delightfully put it, "pretty good just isn't good enough."
When we tell our children that they're "winners" for just playing the game,
we send two very bad messages. The first, for those who don't do very well,
is that there's no need for them to try harder, as what they've done is good
enough. The second, for those who do well, is "it's not worth trying harder".
Both of these messages are extremely damaging, perhaps not to the self-esteem
of the mediocre, but to the children's ability to survive in a real world
that doesn't hand out prizes to all.
Those of you who say you overcame obstacles in your youth to excel; would
you have done so if you were patted on the head and told "That's ok, being
a C student is good enough"?
It's certainly possible to go overboard; many parents are disappointed when
their child brings home anything less than absolute perfection, and this is
extremely harmful. But what I see more and more is that we are becoming
a mediocre society (in the US at least, not so in many other countries.)
We graduate high-school and even college students who can't balance a
checkbook or read at a 6th grade level. The schools are now moving away from
"ability-based grouping" to "heterogeneous grouping" where everyone is
encouraged to be average and the child who is able to do better is stifled
because nobody wants to take the time to challenge her.
I believe we should pay less attention to making everyone feel good and more
to getting everyone to do the best they can. Experiencing failure is part
of the way we learn. Let's not become a society with permanent training
wheels.
Steve
|
| 11.23 | | WAHOO::LEVESQUE | Psychic Steroid Abuse | Wed Feb 03 1993 10:07 | 1 |
| Exactement!
|
| 11.24 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Wed Feb 03 1993 11:26 | 65 |
| Re.21
Yes I have, with the sole intent of recouping the moneys spent on them
with a minor profit to improve on the materials I use for the hobby.
Someday I'd like to make it a sole business venture with which to
support myself... unfortunatly the economy is bad for such to happen
just now.
This isn't out of a desire to compete it's out of a desire to clear out
the stock pile and do something I enjoy that pays for itself with
enough extra money to purchase more and better equipment for it.
(Among other things, I need a good glass band saw which are extremely
expensive to own and operate, the blades on a very small one run
$80.00 apiece because they're diamond impregnated.)
If I compete it isn't out of a need to prove myself better or worse,
it's because in todays business market a string of 'successes' are
necessary to improve your standing in the eyes of the purchaser. I'd
rather they simply look at my work and judge it for it's own merit.
In response to the statement of 'competing' by showing someone things
in the craft... I don't see where my teaching someone my skills is
considered 'competition'.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't agree with the
statements given in the article because I don't feel that teaching
compitition is the answer... I think that pride in one's skills and
abilities are. I don't think we as a society should push a need for
compitition to show that we have the skill and abilites desired for
the skill... we should simply be able to show the skill and let the
person who is interested in the skill decide if it meets the needs
they have or not.
In other words instilling a need for competion isn't the answer,
instilling a pride in owns skill to the point that the person is
learning as much as possible around that skill for it's own sake
and curiosity, using the knowledge and practicing it with the desire
to improve oneself in that skill set... that's where the answers lay.
THe desire for competition can be pushed to far. I rather graphic
example would be the begaining scene of "The Last Boy Scout" where
the desire to win the touch-down reached the point where the player
pulled a loaded gun and shot down the opposing team.
I've seen real examples that border on this 'succeed at all costs, beat
the competition attitude'
It's scary to watch a kid who's desire to win at "red rover" is so
overpowering that he doesn't stop until he breaks another kids arm.
Or during a soccer game he 'accidently' kicks the opposing team member
in the knee hard enough to put the kid out of the game.
The 'competition' drive becomes so great that the kid starts cheating
to win.
Nope you won't convince me that 'competition' is going to cut it.
Dishing out unearned rewards may not be the answer either, but
recognizing worthwhile attributes and skills, giving an award for it
is a different story. So long as the awards are real.
Skip
|
| 11.25 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Wed Feb 03 1993 11:30 | 7 |
| Steve,
I agree with the way your presented your comments....
I think you've presented some of what I wanted to and was trying to say
in an excellent manner.
Skip
|
| 11.26 | | HDLITE::ZARLENGA | Michael Zarlenga, Alpha P/PEG | Wed Feb 03 1993 20:46 | 12 |
| Anyone ever see Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmations on Saturday Night
Live? Yes, Virginia, there really are people like that in the world.
I happen to agree with Mr. Powers (the author of the article in .0).
It may feel good to convince yourself that "I am good, I am important"
for no real reason at all, but it's just one big self-delusion.
Without accepting when you fail and when you aren't good and aren't
important, you can't really appreciate those times when you are. It
may not be pleasant to admit when you've just made a big mistake or
when you really are insignificant, but it's honest.
|
| 11.27 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Feb 04 1993 09:23 | 4 |
| Just out of curiosity, how old is Mr. Powers of the article/speech in
.0?
Skip
|
| 11.28 | | QUARK::LIONEL | Free advice is worth every cent | Thu Feb 04 1993 10:44 | 5 |
| Re: .27
I have no idea. Why?
Steve
|
| 11.29 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Feb 04 1993 12:48 | 6 |
| Well, if he's the right age, it might be worth noting that HIS
generation is the one raising the generation he's complaining about.
Which would fill me up with just ALL kinds of quesitons.....
Skip
|
| 11.30 | | CCAD30::LILBURNE | so much to learn ... | Thu Feb 04 1993 20:16 | 9 |
|
I did not agree with the article in .0 and empathise with those who in some of
the earlier replies argued against it. However the .26 reference about being
honest made me think. I am sure we've all met the person who thinks the world
of themselves but who is actually a *real* pain in the butt. That person is not
facing up to reality about themselves. I find this difficult to fit into
my tendencies against the article.
Linda
|
| 11.31 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Fri Feb 05 1993 08:13 | 27 |
| There is nothing wrong in feeling good about yourself. (Isn't that
what self esteem is all about?) But, the secret to it is to find those
things WORTH feeling good about. People who think the world of
themselves but are a *real* pain in the butt fall into a slightly
different catagory. Self esteem is not Self Delusion... going back to
my glass engraving... I *KNOW* I'm good at it, but I've never felt that
I was so good at it that I couldn't afford to listen to someone else
about it, try to learn something new about it, or when asked, pass on
information about it. I've taught it to a couple of people, and
they've developed their own level of skills at it. Like drawing
everyone has certain aspects of it that they can be good at, (One
person is fantastic at monograms and lettering, something I do okay,
but won't ever 'brag' about doing and even try to avoid doing if I
can.) I'm good at doing animals in general at cats and birds
imparticularly.
There really is nothing wrong in feeling good about something you ARE
good at, it's a different matter if you are deluding yourself and
convincing yourself that you're good at it but not.
I can effectively point out every error made on any one of my glass
engravings. I pay as much attention to them as I do those parts that
are absolutly perfect. Why, I don't know, maybe to keep it all in
perspective.
FWIW
Skip
|
| 11.32 | A Question of Balance | BROKE::BNELSON | Floating, falling, sweet intoxication! | Fri Feb 05 1993 17:39 | 138 |
|
This article *really* rubbed me the wrong way. And I think it did
so in so many dimensions it may take me a bit to sort them out. My
blood is roiling and the passions are flowing...that's my way of saying
this might become long-winded. ;-)
On the issue of settling for mediocrity, let me just say that I
don't believe it is right for *me*, in general. If I achieve a certain
level, and I *want* to do better, then I must do several things: first
accept what I've done without reproach or remorse; second, look at why
I achieved what I did, and try to figure out what I could do
differently to achieve better; and lastly, set about the task of
attempting to do better. Always realizing that I may in fact never
achieve as high as someone else or as high as I'd like; but it's not
the end goal that's important, it's that I continue to try.
However, this is MY choice! This may not be right or appropriate
for someone else. We cannot appoint ourselves judge and jury for
everyone else. For goodness sake Mr. Powers, take care of yourself and
allow the rest of us the same luxury. If someone wants encouragement,
then by all means give it; but do take care *how* you give it.
For I believe there are *ways* to encourage someone -- and most
especially children -- to do better. Ridiculing them in a public forum
(as in a classroom setting) is NOT the answer. If they have good self-
confidence, they *may* react positively and work harder; but for
someone who is lacking this in the first place it will only affirm the
belief that they can't do better. But whether the individual reacts
positively or negatively, it is *wrong*.
Mr. Powers says that "Americans don't seem to get it these days."
Last I knew, Americans were actually rated one of the highest -- if not
THE highest -- productivity-wise in the world. I heard just the other
day that our productivity jumped 2% (in the last quarter or year, I'm
not sure which) -- the highest jump in 20 years. That's the American
worker I'm speaking of; management, well, that's something else again.
When will our achievement be good enough for him? And who set him
up as having the end-all scale to judge by? What incredible arrogance.
When all is said and done, each of us must judge our achievements by
ourselves -- not by what someone else says. You can't really compare
people in an apples to apples comparison, because we're so different --
what may be easy for me might be difficult for you, and vice versa.
I think what's important is to have a direction in life and to
always keep moving in that direction, always trying to improve. But
don't be obsessive about it, and certainly don't rate yourself
according to what people like Mr. Powers say! If you do, you're just
setting yourself up to fail. Sometimes, little steps must be taken
before big ones can come; and while these little steps may seem very
small and trivial to others, YOU'LL know just how big they are. That
they are important to you, and you feel good for having taken them, is
all that matters.
Mr. Powers is right about one thing: we cannot give self-esteem to
others. But we CAN show them, especially if they're children, HOW to
get that self-esteem for themselves. And I don't think Mr. Powers'
method is the right one. Self-esteem only comes from within; it can't
be given, and neither can it be derived by pointing out that we
achieved better than someone else. Yes, Mr. Powers, WE DO get to act
as "judge, jury and appeals court". This is the way it must be.
This need to compete in the global marketplace reminds me of the
arms race. Where does it end? When will our achievement be good
enough? If it keeps on like this, it will never end. And we'll have
more people growing up miserable and unhappy; but we'll be competing
better in the marketplace so it's okay (he says with thinly veiled
sarcasm).
And like the arms race, I think there will come a time when people
will wake up and realize they can't keep it up. Strive hard, yes;
compete to the exclusion of everything else in life, no.
I was shocked recently when I heard that commercial that said the
average American's vacation has dwindled down to 4.something days. Who
says we're not working hard?
Don't get me wrong, some level of competition is good. But you
have to know where to draw the line. When I step onto a volleyball
court, I'm not competing against my teammates, nor against the other
team. I'm *really* competing against myself. Can I do this thing?
Will I be able to do that thing? I go out, give it my all, but when I
walk off the court if I know in my heart I did my best then I'm happy.
And I sincerely thumb my nose up at Mr. Powers and others of his ilk.
Mr. Powers says that "People secretly want to know how good they
are on an absolute scale." If they do, I feel sorry for them. What a
miserable existence they must lead, to always wonder if they're as good
as the person next to them or on the other side of the fence. I suffer
no such insecurity (for that is what I believe it is). If I do my
best, and I know in my heart I did everything I could, that is enough
for me. It doesn't matter what arena in life it is. To wonder if
we're better or worse than anyone else is simply self-deprecating and
energy uselessly spent.
I would be willing to bet that Mr. Powers is of the previous
generation, for they were raised with many of these tenets. Actually,
my generation was too but little by little we're learning to throw off
the yokes suffered by previous generations. I do not hate Mr. Powers,
he cannot help how he was raised nor when he was raised; but I abhor
many of the things he attempts to trumpet from his lofty perch.
More positively, I believe we are just entering a new enlightened
age. An age where sensitivity to others is the norm and and not the
exception. An age where people who are raised in a harmful
environment, or simply an environment full of out-dated ideas (as in
the ideas espoused by Mr. Powers), find out later that they don't have
to live their lives as their parents did. Maybe -- perhaps -- there's
a better way. An age where caring about and helping others is at least
as important as how we rate in the global marketplace.
Clearly, in a world filled with violence, abuse, and domestic
outrage we have not gotten very far into this age. At this point it is
probably only one small candle -- a tiny beacon of light by which we
navigate the stormy, wind-swept waters around us. But as a moth is
drawn to flame, so is our path irrevocably drawn to this flicker of
light. The old ways have failed us; they must make way for the new.
Brian
|
| 11.33 | | MR4DEC::MAHONEY | | Tue Jul 27 1993 17:49 | 35 |
| Marriage is not "as DJ describes it" at all! take it from a woman who
has been married, "happily married" for 29 years... I should know what
I am talking about! Believe me, don't bring kids to this world in your
situation... I can almost guarantee that your "marriage" has a very
short life and there is no guarantee that your babies will have the
house, the home they are entitled to...
As .1 pointed out, you had a wedding, (social affair) not a marriage.
For what I can see in your entry you were, are, attracted to each other
and love each other, but you are NOT in love, that is clear. For a
marriage to last through thick and thin you need to be REALLy in love
with your spouse, only then you can withstand any difficulty, any
problem, any change, anything that life brings along... and you take it
all because you are fulfilled, with full support from your spouse and
those changes, difficulties, etc do NOT threaten your future because
you KNOW that your future, whatever it is, will be acepted, shared, by
your partner and that means being together...
Society has made us choose to marry at a certain age, to do things we
ARE supposed to do like choose a family, but honestly, you cannot
choose a family! Life chooses you and put you in the path of the right
person for you, (some people are lucky to find their 'right' halfs,
others aren't, and they keep on trying and trying, the sad thing is
that mistakes do hurt)
If you see statistics, children are so often the sufferers of our
mistakes... (and they are the ones that don't have a choice.) If you
are reservations about having kids... DON'T have them till you are
ready, when you are... you'll love it!
I wish I had a magic solution to improve your marriage but I don't,
it takes a lot of give and take, (more "give" than take) to adapt, to
make a marriage work, I don't know how, I only know that you must LOVE
your spouse and give anything, go anywhere, and take whatever it takes,
to be together and enjoy together... and grow old together!
|
| 11.34 | | GRANPA::MWANNEMACHER | NRA fighting for our RIGHTS | Thu Oct 12 1995 11:20 | 9 |
|
What I rell my kids is that they should be proud as long as they did
their best at an activity and that with practice they can get better if
they are having trouble in an area. There are extremes to both sides
of this issue. I think that the secret is finding balance between the
two.
Mike
|