Conference quark::human_relations-v1

You're not interpreting the true meaning.  When someone says this, they really
mean "I'm not interested in you," but they're trying to let you down easy.
Unfortunately, they don't realize that they're just making it harder for you
to understand and accept.  You'll probably next find this person together with
someone you consider a real jerk, and you'll shake your head and wonder what's
wrong with the world, or what's wrong with you.

My advice (worth every cent) is to realize that someone who says this to you
is not someone YOU deserve, and to keep your eyes and heart open.

			Steve

    Well, as I see it there are several reasons someone would say it to 
    a person.
    
    It's a complement-or thought to be one.  Often used as such the easiest
    way to determine how sincere it is as such is to simply ask why. If
    they give a reason that sounds plausable then accept it as such and 
    go on from there.
    
    The last relationship was abusive.  Or perhaps the normal series of 
    relationships the person was invovled it were.  Suddenly they find 
    themselves with someone who ISN'T abusive and it shakes them up a bit.
    People who are used to being in abusive relationships tend to develope 
    the habit of expecting it on a regular basis.  When they suddenly find 
    that the current one ISN'T abusive, they may find themselves saying 
    something along those lines.
    
    They want something.  Sounds bad, but it's been known to happen. 
    Compliment and take.  "Gee, I don't deserve you.  Can I have $20.00."
    
    It's hard to call and depends on the situation leading up to the
    comment.  But more often then not it's one of the three.  
    
    Skip

    STeve got in quicker then I did, I didn't read his reply as I was
    typing mine at the time.  But he also has a viable point.  It's another 
    possibility to consider.  
    
    As I said, it depends on the situation leading up to the point, and to 
    expand a little, the words that follow.
    
    I don't deserve you.  So I'm leaving, would be a sure indication that 
    it's a handy way to drop the relationship without giving any real 
    reason for doing so.
    
    Skip

	I've said it (many years ago!!) and I know it came from a 
	self-destructive, low self-opinioned me!  The long and
	short of it is, I was saying that myself and my partner
	were incompatible, even though I dearly loved him, and it
	eventually came true!  Um, I think what I'm trying to say 
	is that I think it's a kind of self-punishment and for some 
	reason your partner feels she really isn't worthy.....

    	Re .1
    
    	 I think Steve has a good point. I know it can be used as a
    	"cop-out" because somebody doesn't want to tell the truth.
    	On the other hand, based on Steve's example, wouldn't the
    	statement be considered acurate? If person A is "too good" 
    	for B (in B's opinion) then wouldn't it make sense that B would
    	would look for someone that has a similar or lesser sense of
    	self worth? (ie. the "real jerk")
    
    	 It sounds really cold to classify people into levels according
    	to their personalities. I really believe that we all do it though.
    
    	 I think everyone's self esteem changes as time goes on. Especially
    	in times of uncertainty like this. But there are people who, for
    	one for one reason or another, *never* have much self esteem. Maybe
    	they had a repressive parent or sibling so they never learned what
    	they have to offer. Maybe there was a bad situation at an
    	impressionable period of their lives. In any case, a true lack of
    	self esteem leading to the statement in .0 does happen. I can
    	vouch for it based on personal experience.
    
    	 I just started reading a book called "You just don't understand".
    	It's about the way women and men communicate and the messages that
    	are behind what we really say. I don't agree with everything in the
    	book but after the first 3 chapters, I felt I had received my $10
    	worth. Even though the book is intended to help women and men 
    	understand each other more, I think it has been helpful to me in
    	also understanding why men say some of the stupid things they say
    	to other men (sorry, I can't speak for the women out there).
    
    
    	Glenn

    
    >	Can anyone shed some light on why anybody should feel this way?
    
    	Not that anyone "should" feel that way, but people do. Sometimes
    it's because of their childhood, perhaps where they grew up wasnt
    a very emotionally nurturing environment and the belief "I dont
    deserve..." came out of the experience of this. They feel that they're
    worth_less than someone's time and attention, because they didnt
    get time and attention while growing up. Now, why would this deep
    feeling about one's self change just because they've grown into
    an adult?
    
    	A reason that the thought (or more correctly, feeling) of it
    is so foreign to you is probably because what happened to them is
    simply out of your sphere of childhood experience. It's kinda like
    if you had a friend who lost a parent at an early age, while your
    own parents remained happy, married and in good health to this day.
    Trying to run the "attendant stuff" that goes along with the loss
    of a parent at an early age in your own brain with your own experience
    and you'll "just not get it" - how could this friend possibly feel that,
    say, "you're about to leave the friendship with them - at any minute".
    So, it makes sense in a way, that it doesnt make sense to you.

    	It takes a very open mind to try and understand or "get it"
    where someone is coming from, with things that just make absolutely
    no sense to you. Self esteem problems are a good example of this
    which I can relate to, both in my own experience and in my experience
    with others. I'm glad you brought up this topic.
    
    	Joe

I started writing this yesterday but lost the link and got dead busy... 
However I reckon that when you're asking for view points every little 
helps as there may be just a terminolligy in one note that clicks and 
helps understanding that bit more...
**********************************************************************

I guess there's the view as well of the feelings of if you're dead good to 
me then I feel I'm not good enough for you therefore you make me question
myself and how good a person I am and that makes me feel insecure.... 

... or similarly the feelings of I am interested but daren't risk failing
by trying to carry this on and not be able to give as good as I get, it'll 
mean you're better than me and I couldn't face that!

I guess it's kind of the less healthy cousin of some of the feelings I've 
personally had lately after getting out of a situation where I got no respect 
or comfort and finding myself with an entirely different situation and a 
wonderful person:

The true stuff runs something on the lines of "deep down I know I deserve this; 
but boy am I glad I found something good at last and haven't been out there
alone and lonely with no-one to share things with as it was starting to feel I 
was going to be for a hell of a long time"   (must've been cause I wasn't looking 
for it or something ;-)

I'm sufficiently happy that I almost feel grateful (which doesn't really fit in
a really healthy relationship that much) and I guess when you extend that you
get the thought chain of "if life was fair before for paying my behaviour as 
it was then back with what I got then.... ie: if up until now I got what I 
deserved; then it's wierd that still being me as much as before and things being
the same I've got so much more now that either life isn't fair (not necessarily 
an easy one to face as this could always be taken as life isn't fair on me, or
if life is fair then this probably isn't as nice as it seems anyway"
 
Silly assumption in there that throws it all out is that life is fair and 
works to rules.  

I guess through the relief of realising at long last I'm a smart woman who's 
made a good rather than foolish choice at long last and is aware of how things 
are working properly but more importantly I'm aware and intend to stay that way
I think I can understand to some degree if not entirely relate to those 
feelings...

Sorry if some of this doesn't make much sense... I'm trying to remember 
back to how I've had people explain their feelings of this kind to me and 
relate that to my good feelings.. kind of mixed up way to think about it
(and it's early morning and I'm tired :-)

One more thought is that the times I've heard it said to me it's been that 
I've been too 'nice' and sure enough those involved have gone off in the 
direction of some 'excitement' or risk, something more fiery.....  more 
than likely to find a fiery front covering up a person far more insecure 
than I was - not a bad achievement since confidence hasn't always been 
something I've gotten from myself - and certainly more screwwed up.

    Geez... my ex-husband said that to me in the early stages of
    dating (eons ago... 1966-67).  
    
    Or was it "I can't afford you..."
    
    :-)
    
    At the time, I took it as a compliment.  I think he felt
    that I gave him something no one else ever had, viewed and
    accepted him in a way no one else ever had, that I was some
    sort of unexpected treat... like a winning lottery ticket...
    something you don't "deserve" but that you're glad to get.
    I didn't really think about lack of self-esteem (of course, 
    I was 16 at the time...) as the basis for the remark.  Or
    as a hint that I should go away (after all, we *did* get married
    a couple of years later...).
    
-j

    Re .8
    
     Okay, I'll bite. Even if I forget the times when self esteem was not
    an obvious problem for using the "You too good for me" line, the runner
    up reason for using the excuse is because the other person wanted to
    end the relationship for some unstated reason and wanted to leave me
    feeling good about myself. Okay, maybe she sensed a low self esteem
    for me(?).
    
     I have heard the "you're too good for me" line while the relationship
    seemed to be going well and continued for quite sometime afterwards.
    I guess you could say the other person seemed to genuinely meant it.
    However in retrospect, the person using that line probably convinced
    herself that it was true after a while. Imagine the power of NEGATIVE
    thinking?
    
    
    Glenn
    

    Hmmmm.... as I noted, the line was used early-on in a relationship
    that started when I was 15.  "Self-esteem" wasn't something I thought
    about then, his or mine.  
    
    But you bring up an interesting point... a couple of them, actually.
    (1) Self-fulfilling thoughts and actions (I have some recent 
    experience with *those* ...); and (2) Feeling of parity within a 
    relationship.  Both interesting topics.  Both *must* have been 
    explored in depth elsewhere in this notesfile...
    
    Just to close up on this discussion, however, I'd take the statement 
    ... "I don't deserve you..." in context.  If it were offered in a 
    contented tone after I had just done something fabulous for him, I'd 
    take it as a compliment (my experience was along those lines).  If it 
    seems to be an expression of a feeling of being undeserving 
    of the relationship, then it's a whole different story.
    
    -j