| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 1298.1 | | SCHOOL::BOBBITT | but that coccoon has to go... | Thu Sep 17 1992 10:31 | 39 |
|
to triangulate, or not to triangulate, that is the question.
I don't envy you. You're in a difficult position.
If I were you, I'd talk with her, and invite her to talk about her past
with him. If you can't be honest about your past, what's there to base
a relationship on? I'd express to her my concern for him, and my fear
that he needs to REALLY KNOW HER, past and all, to decide whether he
wants to be in a serious, monogamous, committed relationship with her.
If she does that, I think that will start the dialog you would like to
have happen between them.
If she chooses not to do that, you can choose to either tell him
yourself (and considering you had asked her to tell him, and she
hadn't, if you convey this to your friend it will start a much HARSHER
dialog between them, but the information will get there nonetheless),
or back out and let them progress as they choose.
Be aware that if you tell him, and he breaks up with her, she may blame
you.
Why *shouldn't* she tell him? What does she gain by not sharing up
about what she's gone through in relationships? One good waay to
ensure that old patterns continue is by making sure new mates don't
know what came before - but if it's shared with a new mate a
mutual plan for altering old behaviors (if a person TRULY wants to end
old behaviors) can be put in place. Or at least a foundation for
discussion if they start creeping back in.
I guess my take is "honesty is the best policy". If they have enough
to base a relationship on, and enough concern for one another,
he can choose to trust her, and she can choose to be with him - only him.
-Jody
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| 1298.2 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Sep 17 1992 10:32 | 19 |
| Tell him to get an unlisted telephone number, if the mystery call ups
continue, then something is going on.
Let him know about her past and let him draw his own conclusions....
It sounds to me like a bad match from the start.
She sounds like she enjoys the 'excitment' of a new relationship
but doesn't have the 'stuff' to commit to a serious one once the
'magic' has gone and reality has set in.
THere are people in the world who crave the stimulation often
associated with the start of a new relationship the 'passion and fire'
that dissappears after being together for a while. It's quite
possible, and from the discription of her relationships I have little
doubt, that she's this type of person. In which case, he will find
that the sooner he gets out of it, the better he'll be.
Skip
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| 1298.3 | Let *them* slug it out | MCIS5::WOOLNER | Your dinner is in the supermarket | Thu Sep 17 1992 11:24 | 12 |
| Here's what I'd say...
To him: Would she cheat? Short answer--from what I understand of her
past, it's not entirely beyond the realm of possibility. But
I feel that you should work this out yourselves, and I'd
appreciate not being drawn into the discussion.
To her: He is concerned enough about the future of your relationship
to be asking me about your past. I'd appreciate not being
drawn into the discussion.
Leslie
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| 1298.4 | Anon base noter replies | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Thu Sep 17 1992 11:29 | 29 |
|
Reply from anonymous base noter follows -
reply 1298.2
>> Tell him to get an unlisted telephone number, if the mystery call ups
continue, then something is going on.
She has had an unlisted phone number for several years. Thats part of the
reason he is suspisious. Its seems unusual to him that someone with an
unlisted phone number would be getting this many "wrong numbers". He went
to the trouble of dialing all of numbers that closely resemble hers to
see if there was a pizza parlor or something. The number that most closely
resembles her is also an unlisted number. He has surmized that not to many
people should be calling this number.
>>
She sounds like she enjoys the 'excitment' of a new relationship
but doesn't have the 'stuff' to commit to a serious one once the
'magic' has gone and reality has set in.
She is aware that she was "non-commital" in the past but claims that guy 4
taught her the meaning of commitment (ironical - he was married) and that
she was commited to him. Theres a new twist.She used to get violently ill
when she would be seeing two men at the same time (guilt maybe ?) and
my co-worker recently told me that she has been getting sick lately??
|
| 1298.5 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Sep 17 1992 11:38 | 9 |
| What I'm suggesting is CHANGINg the number now... it is possible that
someone has gotten hold of the number and enjoys the 'hang up' game...
If the number is changed, and the calls still keep comming, on Monday
nights as before, then obviously she has given the number to someone
who enjoys the game or is communicating the signal.
As for the illness, ummm I hope it isn't morning sickness.
|
| 1298.6 | Why the initial intro? | QUIVER::STEFANI | No sleep 'til Brooklyn | Thu Sep 17 1992 11:46 | 25 |
| If the introduction was a casual one, meaning that there were no
intentions on your part to "hook these two up", disregard what I'm
about to ask...
Based on what you wrote about both your coworker and friend, I'm more
than curious to know why you introduced your coworker to this person in
the first place? Their "hitting it off" could have had a lot to do with
looks or up-front personality...but the behavior of both as far as
each person's idea of a relationship seem very incompatible (IMO).
That being said, if she is a good friend, then you may want to tell her
that your coworker has spoken very fondly of her and then ask her what
she thinks of him. In this casual way, you'll probably get the idea on
whether or not she seems serious about the guy, or whether he's good
for fun and laughs. Obviously, don't ask if she's going to cheat on
him like she's done before, but find out whether she sounds interested
in the guy. Next, return that bit of information to the coworker ("she
told me that she really likes you" or "she likes you, but more as a
friend"). Bottom line, they'll have to work it out on their own. If
you tell him your friend's dirty laundry, she'll probably never speak
to you again.
Best of luck...
- Larry
|
| 1298.7 | you don't have any facts and don't want them either | BENONI::SWALKER | | Thu Sep 17 1992 12:16 | 31 |
|
You don't know that anything *is* going on; anything you could
tell him would just be conjecture on your part. *Don't* tie her
down to her past by telling him about it. Maybe this relationship
is something different for her. Give her that chance.
Tell your (male) friend that you sympathize with his situation, but
that it sounds like he and XXX need to talk. If he pressures you
further, remind him that if he doesn't establish communication with
her now, he is setting himself up for a lifetime of detective work
if he stays in the relationship.
Similarly, I wouldn't get involved in asking her if she is
cheating on him or communicating your friend's concerns. If the
subject comes up with her, I would simply tell her what a great guy
he is, and change the subject.
Your telling him *anything* about her will only get her mad at you,
and if you *know* (i.e., not just suspect) something is going on,
not telling him will only get him mad at you. Your best strategy
is to stay as ignorant of the situation as possible, and if asked,
to respond only with generic common sense.
Sharon
P.S. if your (male) friend never goes out with anyone else you
introduce him to, so what? You didn't give him any guarantees (I
hope), and he has no right to expect one either. SO's, as a rule,
come in as-is condition. Mutual friends shouldn't be expected to
provide warranty service. ;-)
|
| 1298.8 | | HDLITE::ZARLENGA | Michael Zarlenga, Alpha P/PEG | Thu Sep 17 1992 12:53 | 7 |
| The guy has a 6 figure income?
Heck, I'LL marry him. ;')
Seriously, this girl sounds like bad news. If you can't trust someone,
then any future relationship is verrrry risky...
|
| 1298.9 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Sep 17 1992 13:22 | 21 |
| Hmmm you know after reading some further responses, I think I want
another shot at what's been said....
Especially after Mike's comment... which is a very good point.
If the relations ship has reached the point where he's asking questions
then there does seem to be a lose of trust, at which point he needs to
clear the air.... HIM not YOU. IF he's having doubts, then it's up to
him to confront her with them. Confirming them with the phone change
and such won't solve the problem one way or the other. Expressing his
concerns, although there are not promises, might. It might shake her
up enough to realize that the guy wants something more then she has to
offer.
If you know the feelings of them both well enough and there appears to
be a mutual desire to make everything work, suggest they both go talk
to a marraige counslor... you'd be surprised how much information
one can provide a couple who are living together.
Skip (who may have let personal feelings cause him to jump the gun)
|
| 1298.10 | it takes two... | YUPPY::CARTER | Windows on the world... | Thu Sep 17 1992 14:18 | 24 |
| I'm interested in why you introduced them, and even more so as to why
you are worried about future introductions.
The implications of your note is that if this one doesn't work you will
introduce him to the next suitable candidate on your list.
You seem to be setting yourself up as a dating agency, and I just
wonder why?
Also, anyone who is so suspicious as to actually ring up all those
numbers strikes me as having a problem himself. This in itself is a
very decietful thing to do - why not just have it out with her
directly. Its like pressing the RECALL button after someone has made a
call - I bet he's done that too.
I wouldn't be as quick as some of the people here in critising HER...
sounds to me like they both have problems...
Xtine
|
| 1298.11 | | SAILR3::HANAM | | Thu Sep 17 1992 14:44 | 15 |
|
�I wouldn't be as quick as some of the people here in critising HER...
�sounds to me like they both have problems...
couldn't agree more. if he's so suspicious as to dial all
the numbers that are within a digit of hers, what the heck
is he doing here... i gotta wonder about some of these relationships
people have. ulcer material.
they jump back and forth between lovers like i change cd's in my
player.
personally... i live by the philosophy of never going backwards.
left it once, why face it again..
|
| 1298.12 | Anon replies - | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Thu Sep 17 1992 15:24 | 30 |
|
The following reply is being posted anonymously for the base
noter -
re 1298.10
>> I'm interested in why you introduced them, and even more so as to why
you are worried about future introductions.
While at lunch with him we bumped into her and he later asked me for her
number and she said it was ok to give it to him. I'm not in the business
of cupid but I don't want to loose his confidence.
>> Also, anyone who is so suspicious as to actually ring up all those
numbers strikes me as having a problem himself.
Good point. As far as I know, he typically will date someone for about
three
months or until he finds something significantly wrong with them that he
will brake off the relationship. He's in his mid-thirties and has never
married or lived with anyone so maybe it is his problem. Although,
this is 1992 and with the AIDs virus and other social diseases as well
as the amount of infidelity and high divorce rate it seems to make sense
that people will want to "check out" their new partners.
|
| 1298.13 | Relationship Addicts perhaps? | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Thu Sep 17 1992 15:52 | 23 |
|
From the quick scan I've done so far, they both sound like
Relationship Addicts. This is an actual phenonema, not just a catch
all phrase. One of its characteristics is "chasing the flame", as
Skip mentioned. Also going three months until you find a blemish;
then breaking it off. Changing lovers as you would CDs in your
changer - I mean player. (I'm clowning there...) The inability to
comitt to even a live in situation, let alone marriage. Having a
pattern of dating married men; they're relatively safe - they have
to deal with the spouse before they can get back to you. Now, isnt
_that_ exciting?
Seriously, these two can either choose to keep their lives with
all it's attendant misery (having the anxiety to go dial every possible
digit-slip of someone's phone number is a miserable way to live) or
they can get past their denial of "having a problem" and do something
about it. Because, proverbally, if nothing changes, Nothing Will
Change. And, that someone you "hit it off" with - who they are - says
just as much about *you*. Now I dont mean to get the last word in
here, I just happen to be here doing some moderating and thought I'd
say something.
Joe
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| 1298.14 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | I am the King of Nothing | Thu Sep 17 1992 17:38 | 36 |
| Re-1 and latest comment from Originator.
I have to agree that if he's fallen into a pattern of a 3 month
relationship and break off... then there's definatly a problem with
both sides.
Your concern is admirable, and I've done the introductions of people
myself... but you should do what I've done in those situations....
"I'll introduce you, but I'm not to be held accountable for anything
that happens afterwords. I care about you both, and if you make it
or break it, is not up to me or anything I say or do.... it's strickly
between you two."
When they confide things in me, I do not repeat what one has said about
the other, and play dumb to as much of it as possible only offering
very token advice, IF it's saught from me. And even then I'm hesitent
because in these situations I stand the risk of losing both friends and
would be better off trying to stay as impartial to both sides of their
relationship as possible.
Oh and just one other thing.... I realize he probably dialed all the
possible combinations of one slipped finger but a phone number has
7 digits not to mention the area code.... Has he dialed ALL the
possible combinations of numbers? What if the 'error' in dailing is
actually in 2 numbers....
Sorry a little devils advocate there.
The fact is that the possible error of a phone number is quite a LARGE
number of combinations..... and it would take a LONG time to dial ALL
the numbers... If he's dedicated himself to this... then he DOES seem
to be displaying some rather obsesive behavior.
Skip
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| 1298.15 | ho boy, this one is a stinker | FORTSC::WILDE | why am I not yet a dragon? | Thu Sep 17 1992 21:14 | 37 |
| re: funny phone calls
when an obscene caller or harrassment caller gets a number that responds
in any way, he/she remembers it and uses it again. The fact that there
have been repeated calls means, in and of itself, nothing. I had a jerk
calling me for months - we are unlisted - but he kept calling and saying
one dirty word and then hanging up.
re: the two lovers...both sound too young and too shallow to make it...so,
prepare yourself for the breakup - it IS coming...it is only a matter of
time. relationships don't work without trust. She sounds like she needs
her ego pumped up enough that she will keep looking for the man who tells
her she is wonderful enough times to spin her head a a bit...of course,
after she is living with a guy he cannot say it all the time..so she goes
and finds someone else to give her the boost to her self-esteem. It
doesn't come from within, so it never sticks. She needs help and I hope
she finds it - if not, she will continue to have messy love affairs and
no lasting love. He, on the other hand, sounds like the fella looking
for "that PERFECT WOMAN" - you know the one...she makes all his friends
envious and she never ages or gets sick or gains weight or disagrees
with him and she is always hot for him and ..... sorta like a walking
Barbi Doll. He thinks he has found her - and then he discovers that
she is too human. So off to the chase again.
If I were you, base-noter, I'd tell both of them...I'm not in charge of
your love life - talk it over, work it out, do whatever you want, but
don't hang it on me....you are big enough to sleep together and that
means you have to take this part of it too. And then I'd stand by
my word....
Oh....and if you like her...don't introduce this "wonderful man" to any
other woman you know - he is pretty damned toxic, I'd bet. That 3-month
cycle is leaving alot of women with shredded hearts to pick up the pieces.
And, she will never need you to make introductions - she will always be
working another guy on the "side"...so, you are well out of that one too.
This explains my number 1 rule...NEVER introduce anyone to anyone...
|
| 1298.16 | Anon replies. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Fri Sep 18 1992 10:27 | 15 |
|
Anonymous reply from basenoter follows -
reply 1298.14
Somehow something got confused. he said that he tried only several likely
mistaken phone numbers not every possibl combination.
Also, I would like to thank everyone for there input. I've decided to
tell him to face her and ask her about anything in her past or present
that might be bothering him. Also, I'll ask him to leave me out of there
relationship
and settle there own problems. to her, I'll subtlely remind her that
he is a nice guy and a good catch and she should not screw this one up.
|
| 1298.17 | Communication & Trust | MAGEE::SKOWRONEK | | Fri Sep 18 1992 10:52 | 24 |
|
Personally, I feel this relationship has been doomed from the start.
First of all, there is no communication between the two main people --
the man and the woman. If they cannot confide in each other about
their pasts, or even feel safe enough to ask the other about his/her
past, then this relationship will not work. There is also no trust
involved her (shown by his suspicions). If he trusted her AND if they
could communicate, he would not be running to you and asking questions,
he would be asking her.
These are the two main ingredients to a happy healthy relationship,
Communication & Trust --- if you don't have either, then it's probably
doomed.
I am just surprised that this guy would move in with her without
knowing anything about her past???
My main suggestion for you would be to stay out of it, and as the
others here have stated, suggest to your friend that he talk to the
girl about her past.
Good luck,
Debby
|
| 1298.18 | Base note disposition request. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Mon Sep 21 1992 16:50 | 5 |
|
The base note has been set hidden, at the request of the anonymous
base noter. It shall remain set hidden indefinitely.
Joe
|