| Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
| Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
| Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1327 |
| Total number of notes: | 28298 |
I have a strange problem and it might not even seem like a problem to a
lot of you.
I live in a place that has two other apartments on the same
floor...they are all very near eachother. Two of the places have been
vacant for the past 2 months.
The problem is, a friend of mine is moving in to one of them. She is
leaving her boyfriend and has been using me as a sounding board for the
past couple of months. She now is under the impression that we are
going to start being buddy-buddy. I do not want this..I like her..but
I am not comfortable with getting *real* close with her. Also, I have
various different guests in my home in any give week. I am very afraid
that she will hear the voices and come knocking
at my door. The guests that I have are just friends and we often times
just go to my home to get away from the bar scene. I also know that a
lot of these people do not *like* this girl. I am sure that I am
sounding very selfish and snobbish and that is the chance that I have
to take. I am just not sure how to handle this diplomatically without
hurting her more than she already has been.
I will also add that I do spend a lot of time away from my home. She
told me that I could stop that know because she would be there and
there would be no reason to go out anymore...
Thanks for any advise you can give me..
Linda
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1291.1 | just a suggestion | EARRTH::MACKINNON | Tue Aug 11 1992 16:23 | 10 | |
What's wrong with just sitting down and telling her what
you are feeling? Being untruthful about and forcing yourself
into a state of hiding is not going to benefit either of you.
Define to yourself what you want your boundaries with respect
to this person should be. Then let her know it. Sure she
might be hurt, but she may just realize that a little time
with you happy is better than alot of time with you miserable.
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| 1291.2 | TNPUBS::C_MILLER | Tue Aug 11 1992 16:26 | 5 | ||
If you have a hard time expressing yourself verbally, why not write
your feelings down using one of the many lines from Hallmark (they
basically do all the talking for you now). Maybe even attach the card
to an apartment-warming plant, that may soften the blow and get the
message across at the same time.
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| 1291.3 | CSTEAM::LOBOV | I hope I remember how to Drive | Tue Aug 11 1992 16:40 | 13 | |
Thank you both...great suggestions.
I do have problems sometimes verbally..face to face as I tend to back
down when I see sadness or anything like that.
I think that I will go check out some Hallmark cards and maybe a
plant...
Thank you again for your help...and I really hope that I didn't come
off sounding selfish and petty. I am really not like that and I just
am at a loss as to what to do.
thanks
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| 1291.4 | QUIVER::STEFANI | No sleep 'til Brooklyn | Tue Aug 11 1992 21:20 | 20 | |
re: .0
I had the same problem in college, but he was my roommate. "Oh, where
were you?", "Going out?", "What are you working on?", etc. I swear I
almost couldn't go to the bathroom without him tracking me. I too needed
my space and I wasn't getting it at the apartment so I spent LOTS of time
on campus. It's really sad to feel uncomfortable about going home.
Anyway, the lease was only for 6 months (I co-oped on and off) so I
decided to suffer through it until school was over.
I never said "Get out of my face" directly, but I did hint at needing
time for myself or that I had a big test to study for (that usually
worked). Believe me, you're not being selfish or petty. It's not an
easy situation, but I was able to ignore it for the most part since I
knew going in that it was temporary. Definitely don't change your
routine. Go out as you usually do, do whatever activities you normally
do after work. Hopefully, she'll get the idea that you're not "on call".
Good luck!
- Larry
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| 1291.5 | TNPUBS::C_MILLER | Wed Aug 12 1992 17:36 | 7 | ||
P.S. Don't give her your phone number and DON"T invite her into your
apartment, she'll get the message loud and clear this way too. The bad
thing is that if she senses you are giving her the royal brush off then
tension may rise between the two of you and when you run into her in
common areas (hallway, parking) it can be VERY uncomfortable.
(someone who has lived in the same situation too)
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