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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:	What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:	ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI

Created:	Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:	Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1327
Total number of notes:	28298

1283.0. "... for someone in pain" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Wed Jul 08 1992 14:20

    The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
    who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by
    mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
    conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
    your name attached  unless you request otherwise.

				Steve




 
    "MUCH easier said than done.  I read that thing you send me and it
    brought tears to my eyes.  I just wish I could go somewhere and cry and
    get it out. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose another son."
    
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    
    The above note is from a lady in a very stressful situtation.  She did
    lose a son about 5 years ago and the trauma has not left her.  She lives
    in fear that something will take her other son.  And there lies the
    painful story.
    
    The younger son, 21 has separated from his wife and daughter.  The
    young wife, Sue, decide she didn't want to be married anymore, at least
    for right now, but feels it will work out in 3-4 years.  Will he, Mike,
    want to hang around waiting for 3-4 years?  She is unrealistic in her
    assumption.
    
    He has moved home w/his mother.  She has moved home to her parents. 
    She is going to see a lawyer about a divorce.  Contested, because Mike
    doesn't want a divorce - he wants his wife and daughter back.  He loves
    them both so much.
    
    And here likes the lady's fears.  Mike is so depressed and talks of
    suicide.  Thus the fear of losing another son.  
    
    Mike and Sue went to a counselor, who told them NOT to come back until
    they were BOTH willing to try to make it work.  This discouraged Mike
    to the point of feeling that counselors were pretty useless and not
    much help when he needs it.  The divorce has his stress to the limit
    and his job is probably suffering.  HE gets up in the morning and is
    physically ill and has trouble keeping food down. 
    
    I hope that someone out there can give he and his mother some words of
    comfort, wisdom and help.  Thank you for listening.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1283.1		RIPPLE::KENNEDY_KA	Winds of Change	`Thu Jul 09 1992 00:12`	6
	I hope he finds another counselor. He can interview them before he decides to see him/her on a regular basis. Is there a suicide hotline in your area? A crisis line? Tell his mother about these. Give her the numbers if you have too. Karen
1283.2	Its tough	MR4DEC::LSIGEL	There were clouds in my coffee	`Thu Jul 09 1992 14:44`	8
	It is very difficult when you loose someone you love, especially when the love you felt for that person is really strong. It is not worth suicide though, nothing is worth suicide. He should definatly go for counseling, if one counselor does not work, try to find another. The more he talks it out with someone the better he will feel, and as time goes on...the hurt will hurt less and less. The only thing is there is a child involved, that is a situation that I cant really give any advise on. ANyway good luck!
1283.3	definately another counselor	MAYES::SKOWRONEK		`Thu Jul 09 1992 17:52`	16
	I agree with the previous two replies --- FIND ANOTHER COUNSELOR !!! They are all different & I am shocked that the counselor told them that, just being there should have been his/her clue that they wanted to work on their marriage. Keep in mind that there are more and more people in counseling and there are fewer and fewer couselors. They should definately shop around until they find a counselor they feel comfortable with. In addition to marriage counseling, they might also want to find an individual therapist who could see each of them separately. It sounds like the "son" in this story really needs this right now, and all it takes is a call from him to his health plan, stating the urgency & they should be able to help him out asap. Good luck & I hope it works out . . . Debby
1283.4	Sons needs personal counselor	STEREO::COCHRANE	Cool,eclectic,live hot wire.	`Sun Jul 12 1992 23:47`	18
	The son needs to see a counselor. A good counselor will give him a helping hand out of the depression he is in. Even if it is not a marriage counselor right away, he needs to accept his current situation and begin to put his life in order. Nothing and no one is worth suicide. Honest. I know. I've been there. It won't solve anything. If his mother is the one who fears her son's suicide, she ought to be there too. She has some unresolved trauma she needs to deal with. When I went through marriage counseling, my ex and I each had our own personal counselor as well as our marital counselor, since we each had issues we had brought to the marriage, as well as problems within the marriage. Granted, the marriage didn't work, but I don't for a moment regret the time we spent or the work we did. It made the final parting of the ways much more understandable and bearable. Mary-Michael
1283.5		MLCSSE::LANDRY	evitcepsrep ruoy egnahc	`Mon Jul 20 1992 15:39`	21
	It's important to find out how serious the suicide threats are. Has he planned anything? Suicide is a symptom of depression. Depression is a disease which can be cured. It takes time, therapy and possibly even medication. Except for time, these things cannot be found here. He must get help. Most hospitals have a psychiatric ward which is where a depressed, suicidal person can find help. Also, he should continue to search for a good therapist. One thing to be sure, do not take threats of suicide lightly. This person is crying out for help. If necessary, take him to a hospital. As for yourself, other than taking him to a hospital, there is nothing you can do. Please find a self-help group (Suicide Survivors ??). You need to understand how you can help yourself. And as a previous noter replied, try calling a suicide hotline.