|
The following reply is being posted anonymously. You may contact the
author by mail, by sending your communication to me and I'll be glad to forward
it on. Your message will be forwarded with your name attached, unless you
request otherwise.
Joe
* * *
To the author if note 1280,
I can understand where you are coming from. I myself seem to be in the
same situation as you are, except for the fact that I am at the "other side"
of the fence. I am the one who has problems expressing my feelings, much like
your wife. And I think it unusual, because usually you hear women say "men
dont communicate", and now it seems that it is us women who are having a hard
time.
My fiancee says that I "don't know how to fight". Actually, when we were
at my familys' cookout, that same subject came up, and even my family agreed
with him.
I THINK that I talk about how I feel, but find out that alot of times when
I express my feelings, is when I get so angry that I just blow my stack, and
its almost always at something that I usually let roll off my back. So one
thing that my fiancee has helped me do is TELL ME when he thinks that I am
not being open and honest with my feelings. Not in a critical way, but just
says something like "honey, I don't think you are really telling me how you
feel", or "hon, being mad and looking out the window and ignoring me is not
really helping us solve this problem. Talk to me".
I think the reason that I have had a hard time expressing my anger or
frustration is because in my other "love" relationships in the past, if I
did show my anger and the other person couldn't handle it, they would just
leave the relationship. So I got used to "shutting out" or "shutting off".
What I am now starting to do now, to get out of this cycle, is look at what is
making me angry, find out why I am getting angry (is it because my feelings are
hurt, or because I feel like I am not being listened to, or because I feel
picked on) and then address the problem. Instead of yelling "You make me feel
like I am a fat blimp", I now say "When you say ...., I feel like I am a fat
person". I hope I am getting my point across. Let me give you another example..
Instead of saying "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME", I now say "When I talk to you and
you dont look at me when I am speaking, I feel like you are not listening".
I have gotten better over time, because of my fianceees' help and under-
standing. Does your wife know that you feel this way ?? If not, the first
step I would say to you is to please sit down with her and tell her how
you feel. It really will help in the long run. Maybe she doesn't realize
the affect that she has on you when she acts the way she does. I'll be honest
and say I didnt realize how crazy I was driving my fiancee until he said
something. It had become so natural to act that way, that It was the ONLY way
I knew.
I do not think you are expecting too much if you want to show emotions
explicitly. Thats what two people in a loving, caring, mature relationship
do. But my only question, and you dont have to answer if you dont want to,
would be "When did your wife become this way" , or has she always had a hard
time expressing herself? I dont know if growing up without a father had an
affect on her. My biological father left my mother when me and my twin
fraternal brother were 3 and my baby brother was a newborn, and my mom raised
us alone for about 3 or 4 years till she met my dad. My twin brother is a
totally different "person" than I am. Personality, wit, everything. He is
very bitter, very emotional, and will lose his cool so fast and so bad that
he will jump up and down and shout, he gets so angry. I always equated that
to not having a father, because even my biological father didnt acknowledge
his existence. So to make a long story longer, I do think that not having
a father figure had some impact on her, whether she realizes it or not.
I am sorry I have rambled on for so long. I don't know if I shed light on
anything for you, but wanted you to know that you are not alone, and to
let you know that with alot of patience and love, I think you and your wife
will be able to have a very communicative (spelling?) relationship.
Kind regards...
|
| I too can understand what you are saying as I am prety much the same
way. My parents always say that when I share something with them, hug
them, tell them that I love them, it means more coming from me than say
from my sister...the reason being is that I so seldom share with the
people that are real close to me how I feel about anything.
I had two parents but my dad was hardly ever there when I was growing
up, he worked very hard to provide for us so that we would not grow up
poor as he and my mother both did. As a result, when I was a little
girl I would scream when I saw him as I did not know who he was.
My friends have been helping me a lot over the past few years...They
tell me it is o.k. to say how I feel, to let them know when I am
hurting, when they are hurting me, when I am happy, etc. A new friend
is also helping me a great deal, he has me tell him what is on my mind,
tell him even if I think that I might be hurting him, or trying to
prevent a fight...He assures me that it is o.k. to open up and share
with people.
I am noticing that when I do say what is on my mind I feel better. I
still get butterflys and a nervous stomache and sometimes it takes me a
long time to work up to what I need to say, but I am getting better.
Just work with her, be patient (I know that is hard) it really is
appreciated. And is welcoming to know that someone cares enough to
help you open up.
Sorry for rambling.
~Linda~
|
|
>My wife and I have an excellent relationship, but I am constantly frustrated
>by her not venting her feelings easily. She tends to keep emotions positive
>or negative bottled up. I tend to do a lot of hugging and kissing which she
>likes but she doesn't give it back in return. I tend to open my valves when I'm
>angry and I'm calm in about ten minutes. She has a habit of letting the
>resentment seethe in her for long periods of time. She doesn't let me know if
>something I say or do is bothering her at that time. One or two days later
>it's a complete surprise to me that it was something that happened a while
>before and I hardly remember the details.
I'm like you, very expressive of how I think and feel. What I've
been discovering is that for all the hoopla concerning how frustrated
women are that men won't "open up", I've usually been the one who's
frustrated the other person won't open up. At any rate I wanted to
establish that I understand how you feel.
>My wife lost her father when she was about six and had a somewhat difficult
>childhood. She was in situations where she could not speak up boldly for
>fear of repercussions in the family. Could this have anything to do this
>problem?. How do I make things better for her?. Am I expecting too much
>if I want to show her emotions explicitly?
I dated someone not too long ago who came from a dysfunctional
family, where she survived by keeping quiet because drawing attention
to herself was an unpredictable thing due to the fact that her father
was a very unpredictable person. Unfortunately, this learned mannerism
is still with her today and is something she's working *very* hard to
overcome in therapy. So yes, from what you've described it sounds much
like what I saw in my last relationship -- your wife's environment
growing up had a lot to do with how she acts now.
What to do to help? That's a very subjective thing, and will
differ based on situations/people involved (my guess anyway). However
the first thing you *have* to do is to accept the situation as it is.
I *know* how frustrating it is, but you HAVE to do it -- if your wife
is like my last girlfriend, if she feels any pressure from you to do
something or be a certain way, even if it's what she wants as well,
she'll dig her heels in and you won't get anywhere. So, try to relax.
Next, one thing you might try is to be more sensitive to how she's
feeling. If you get the sense something is bothering her, try to be a
little pro-active about finding out if indeed something is there. Show
her that it's okay for her to speak up about things, and keep
reinforcing that idea. To overcome old, bad programming you have to --
gently -- reinforce the new programming until it takes hold.
This behaviour bothers some folks, so you might ask her what she
thinks you could do to help. If she doesn't have any ideas, bring up
this one and see how she takes to it. If someone knows you're trying
to help them, they're generally much more willing to take stuff like
that.
No, you're not expecting too much. But you must realize that this
will all take time, and she may never show as much as you do or as much
as you'd (currently) like her to. Set your expectations reasonably
(ie, LOW!).
Brian
|
|
.0 Your second paragraph describes the way I acted for years. I always
let things build - sometimes for weeks, until I would explode. Not
only was it unfair to my now ex-husband (one of the many reasons we are
no longer together) but it was also unfair to me.
Since my divorce, I've been seeing a man who taught me that there's a better
way to deal with feelings, expressing them as well as dealing with them. It's
taken lots of time, energy, understanding, and mostly patience on his part to
help me get to where I am today.
> How do you make things better for her? <
When you sense that she's uptight, approach her and say something like
"honey what's bothering you" if she says "Nothing" or "it's not
important" or even "never mind" then maybe take her by the hand and lead
her to a comfortable chair, gently hug her (she may rebel or remain cool)
tell her that you want to help her work through whatever it is that's
bothering her, and that your willing to listen and be open minded (based
on your original note, sounds like you are willing).
My boyfriend worked issues with me this way for a long time. Today it's
much easier for me to tell him, and others how I'm feeling at the
appropriate (sp) time. For me, I quess it was a matter of trust -ie.
I believed he would listen to what I had to say, feed it back to me and
offer constructive critisism (sp). If the issue was about "us" or something
specific I felt he had done, we worked it out, and continue to do so.
> My wife lost her father ...... <
I had my father, still do, but I grew up in a house where you wern't allowed
to have feelings, or good girls didn't cry, basically the message was "children
are seen and not heard." I'm certainly no expert but my guess is that the
dysfunctional family atmosphere she grew up in certainly has some effect
on how she is today.
My last piece of advice FWIW, be understanding, patient, and even sypathetic.
From someone who's been there trying to change the pattern, the process is
not an easy one, but one that can be made somewhat easier with continued
help and support.
Best of luck,
K
|