Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    First of all Major HUGS to you!!
    
    I don't think that it is so much "you've done your part, now go away".
    This is a very difficult time for him..he is hurting, probably fearing
    that his children are going to be taken away from him..I am sure that
    is very scary...also seeing his ex for the first time in many years
    probably brought back a lot of memeries..both good and bad.  Your
    friend has a lot to try and deal with right now.  I'm sure that he
    really does need you, he just needs time alone.  He might be like me
    and when I am faced with a lot at once I tend to crawl inside myself
    and try to do *Fix* everything on my own.  I *Know* that this is not a
    wise thing to do and that it just results in making things worse than
    they really are.   I don't think that he is trying to push you out, I
    just think that he needs to sort things out his way.  Step back a
    little, be there for support, an ear, whatever, but don't push him into
    seeing you...I'm sure he will be back soon.  
    
    I'm sorry that you are hurting...I do hope that thing work out for you.
    
    *Hugs*
    
    Linda

    
    Please don't think you have to settle for tablescraps of love.  You are
    worth the love and attention you deserve, but it may not show up right
    away.  Sounds like he or you-and-he could use some counseling about now
    - maybe discuss your issues, concerns, and priorities for yourselves
    personally, and your relationship.
    
    -Jody
    

    	If he says he needs time alone, my advice would be to back off and
    give it to him.  I was involved in a relationship once where the woman,
    when I said that I wanted time alone inferred that I was saying that I 
    didn't want her around anymore.  It sounds to me as though he suddenly 
    has a lot of demands placed on  him, and he's trying to reduce the 
    demands on his limited emotional resouces.  I would suspect that he's 
    expecting you to understand this, but he may not be expressing it well.
    
    fwiw
    larry

    re:.0
    
    I wouldn't be surprised if you smothered him.
    
    And if that's what happened, he's backing off to get some room to
    breathe.  Can't blame him.  When things move too fast, it can get
    real scary.

    Re .0: I wouldn't be surprised if he felt smothered; but whether it's
    because you've been crossing his boundaries or because he's been moving
    (or concealing) them, I couldn't say. 
    
    Worrying about whether two or three nights a week is too much is
    futile; people's levels of tolerance vary widely, and people who are
    under stress - and even happy life-changes can be stressful - may have
    less tolerance than usual.
    
    In any case, if he wants space, granting it is the only reasonable
    thing to do, I think. Talk to him, yes; ask about counseling, sure, if
    you want. But if someone's asking for space, whatever the reason,
    refusing to grant it won't help, and will almost undoubtedly aggravate
    whatever's going on.
    
    My sympathies; I know it's tough. Your line about wanting to just sleep
    through the next six months hit home; even when you know you'll get
    over something, it's horrible to contemplate having to log the hours
    until the pain stops. But you _can_ do it.
    
    As for the how-tos... It all starts to sound trite after a while. "Keep
    busy." "Lean on your friends." "Help others." It all works, more or
    less, off and on. And when it doesn't, be good to yourself. Those
    too-quiet times at home alone can be good times if you let 'em...
    
    Good luck,
    -b

    
    
    First off heres a big hug  BIG HUG!!!!
    
    Secondly, you need to do what is going to make you happy.  We
    all have to be reminded sometimes that happiness is a choice.
    It sounds to me that you might still need some time to continue
    working on you.  I believe inner peace comes when we arrive
    at a point where we can sit in silence and not be alone.  Have
    you arrived at that point yet?  Or could you possibly be looking
    to him to provide that for you?
    
    Clearly he has stated to you that he can not give you the time
    you would like from him. Is it fair to either of you to continue
    to force this issue?  Neither of you will be getting what you
    want or need and alot of negative energy will be wasted. Give
    both of yourselves some time to work out your own issues.  
    If it was meant to be it will find it's way back.  Two halves
    don't always make a whole.  

It isn't easy to just back off when the relationship is one that you *like*.
Especially when there are so many others that aren't happy. You have your needs
too. Unfortunately he has some that are taking up a lot of mental time. 

For me, (I just went through something similar) when things happen that I am 
forced to deal with, especially with people that also bring emotions into my 
day, ex, job, I do go inside and spend a lot of time. I try to reassure everyone
it isn't them, but sometimes with some people that is not enough. During these
times I am in constant thought, reviewing every detail to come to a solution that
had minimum impact on everyone. This can take days or weeks depending on the 
seriousness of the situation. When myself and most of my male friends are over
tasked that is how we deal with it. It is personal nature for me to work hard to
the exclusion of a lot, to get our lives back under control. I tend to trust that
my relationship bonds are strong enough to take some ignoring so that I can do
what I need. When I am happy with my life again, I am ready to come back and spend
more time in other areas. It isn't unlike dealing with death of a loved one (I
have been there too). Once a person works through the changes and emotions for
a change in his or her life, they are better able to deal with other relationships
if they are still around. 

As I said, you have your needs too. If they can be met before your patience runs
out, great. If not then the bottom line is you need to take care of yourself.
There is not guarentee that once he works through his troubles, that he will want
to have a relationship, some people just plain run away. The chances are good
that if he normally ballanced, he will be back and ready for a lot more. 

Good Luck,
Brett

From Basenoter...

Thanks everyone . You all confirmed what I already knew - but why is the right 
thing so hard to do?  

I know I have to take the risk of backing off. Funny, I find it a bit easier 
when he's feeling good, to say "No, I won't come over tonight" than I do when 
he's feeling bad and therefore turning off from me.

Thinking through all your replies - I'm getting to see what the REAL problem is 
- that I find it difficult to face the prospect of rejection again, whether 
it's real, or as some of you hinted at, imagined. Also (we've discussed this 
together) our respective responses to the stress of the last few months . He 
shuts down/I need MORE affection and the two don't mix too well. 

Anyway, I WILL try. Thanks again

    Run don't walk to the nearest book store and buy a copy of "Love
    Tactics" and read the chapter titled 'the switch' I think you will
    find it interesting.
    
    
    -j
    

>    As the old saying goes.....
>    
>    If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it's yours.
>    If it doesn't, it never was...
>    
>    or something like that..

    I always thought it went like this:

    If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it's yours.
    If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

					andrew