Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Marlene, 
    
    I don't know if that many people will openly admit that they've had an
    affair with someone who was married. I personally have not, but I can
    speak from experience as to what I went through when my husband, I mean
    ex-husband had one. And I can be a little more objective about it now
    too, because it happened ten years ago.
    
    For those who find themselves in a situation with someone married, they
    often hear a story that makes the married person the victim. And I'm
    not saying that's right or wrong because some have valid reasons for
    wanting to get out of a bad situation.
    
    There are those who know that the person is married, and since there
    is an agreement not to commit, everything will be fine. And then there
    are those, who find the guilt and anguish over such a relationship
    getting in the way of whatever happiness they can share.
    
    Some can live with it, others take the chance at what ever happiness
    they can muster. Sometimes it works out for the better, but often
    times, it hurts more people than it helps.
    
    Marlene, if I haven't been that clear about answering your question,
    call me off line.
    
    Barb
    to be an obstacle to big to overcome

    
    Marlene,
    
    I understand that people see married folks sometimes because they
    started out being just friends and fell in love.  Or because of sex.
    It seems to me that lots of married folks are unhappy with their
    sex lives and seek sex elsewhere.  So I would assume that some of
    these "cheating" relationships are based on sexual gratification.
    
    (Oh, and for the record, I also have never dated a married man.)
    
    Rachael

Marlene,

Backing up your basenote with another question, my new husband's married
friends say that the gold band acts like a magnet for some women. (Would like
to say that I've heard the oppsosite, but haven't). So what IS going on? What
is the attraction? Are his friend's ego's a little inflated, or is there
something here? Please don't assume that I'm saying *only* women are attracted
to married men, I just haven't heard from my girlfriends that there has been
an increase of approaches from men now that they're married.

Just a few more thoughts/questions to add to the discussion.

Laura

re: .3

I once worked with a woman who deliberately dated married men.  She liked the
special attention she got, but never had to worry about a guy asking for a
commitment.

Bob

This reply is being entered anonymously by the author.

Joyce Co-Mod
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I am an "other woman" or "secret Lover" that the basenoter had asked for 
replies from.  I don't know how to answer the question of why women get
involved with married men (or vise-versa), all I can do is tell you my 
story.  

For some unknown reason, married men seem to be attracted to me.  In the past
year I have had 5 married men proposition me, and one single man.  I am 
single.  I would prefer the numbers be swapped, but they aren't.  I have 
asked these men why, and they all state the same --- "your personality is
very attractive" or "I find it easy to talk to you".  None of them were 
attracted to me because of my body or because of just sex.

I also must say that I did not do anything purposely to ask for this 
attention.  I find that when I am around married men, I let my guard down
a bit because I know the person is married, therefore I don't have to 
impress them.  Whereas, if it were a single, un-attached male, that I was
attracted to, then I would act differently.  Maybe it is because I am myself
around married men???  Who Knows.  

I do not go after married men, in fact, I try to avoid them.  These situations 
usually started with friendship.  In three of the cases, I had actually worked
with the men -- indirectly (none were my boss).  In one of the cases, I was
attracted to and was dating another single co-worker.  The married co-worker
use to come into my office and tell me not to go out with this person by
saying that he knew someone else who liked me alot more.  After a few weeks,
this married man finally told me it was he who was attracted to me, and he
was visibly upset that I was dating the other person.  Was I flattered??
Heck, you bet I was!!  I told this person that we could not get involved, due
to the fact that he was married.  We both flirted back and forth for a while
before we decided to have an "affair", but it did not last long.  *I* was the
one who ended it --- out of guilt.

I have no clear-cut answers for those of you who wonder why an attractive
single person would get involved with a married person.  I know that in my
most recent "affair" it is because I have fun with the person.  I was the
deciding factor in the affair -- I am the one who decided yes or no to 
whether or not we would embark on one.  I did so mainly because I haven't 
been able to find a single person to have a "relationship" with.  When you 
get 5 married men and one single man (who had a bad reputation) make advances
towards you, you tend to put the married part aside.  I guess it comes down
to loneliness, and you take what ever you can get to fill that void -- for
me it is a married man.  I know this is just an "affair" and I know that 
there are no committments -- that goes both ways.  I'd be lying if I said 
that it isn't thrilling, exciting, and passionate -- it is, incredibly so.  

I must also say that in all cases, these marriages appeared to be "healthy".
These men did not come crying to me about how bad their marriages were or 
that their wives are "bitches" or that they don't get sex at home.  I also
do not feel degraded, and have never been made to feel that way by these 
men.  All I can say is that in some cases, I think married men and women
sometimes need a little "fling", something to liven up their lives, some 
excitement.  I also think that it may help some marriages, especially if 
it is not hurting the wife & she does not know about it.  

I know a few of you are probably saying "What if it was your husband having
the affair??  How would you feel??"  All I can say is that I won't know 
until I am in that situation, but if my husband ever had an affair, I wouldn't
want to know about it -- especially if the marriage is going well.

This is just my story, I would like to know if there are any other "other
woman" out there & I would like to hear their stories . . . 

Anon

    I don't believe that you can say that you wouldn't want to know about
    it.  You won't know how you feel until you do get married one day and
    it does happen to you.  
    
    You can speculate how it would feel.  Imagine that you don't know what
    goes on in his house when he goes home to his wife.  They tell stories
    to both women.  You hear what a witch she is, she does this and that,
    doesn't do the other thing but SHE is the mother of his children and
    when he lies down in the evening SHE is the one who he brings into his
    arms.  SHE is the one who if he should be in a fatal accident gets ALL
    the insurance, monetary and emotional (from family and friends).
    
    You may feel you are someone while you are together with this man but
    when he closes the door behind him on the way out.  You leave his mind.
    
    
    
    Hold out for something you can call your own.  It will be worth it.
    Don't you deserve better than this?  You do.
    
    
    Katrina

    	Uh-huh, I don't believe it for a moment -- if someone is married
    and fooling around then by *definition* the marrriage isn't healthy.  I
    don't care what they say.


    	It's funny, because I know some married folks who would probably be
    *very* attractive to me if they weren't married.  But they are, so I am
    perfectly content with their friendship.  I have never ever been
    tempted to start something with a married person, or even someone who
    is engaged or seriously committed.  Once I know they're committed
    elsewhere, a switch is flicked and all romantic interest is turned off.
    I don't know why, but it's always been like that.  I think part of it
    stems from the fact that I wouldn't want to start something with
    someone that I *know* had no chance, and the other part of it is that I
    wouldn't want it done to *me*.


    	My philosophy is that I would rather be alone for the right reasons
    than to be with someone for the wrong ones.


    Brian

    Re .5, I agree with you.  If my husband were having an affair, I would
    NOT want to know about it.  And I do know what I'm talking about.
    
    

    
    I am just getting out of a relationship of which caused alot of hurt
    my way - I'm sure his too. I guess in some respects I can relate to
    the feelings that -.1 had in getting involved with a married man -
    there are no committments there, there are no empty promises and you
    know what the future holds.  None of this "I love you if you'll 
    fullfill my needs and to heck with your needs"....
    
    I honestly don't know though how I would feel if it were my husband
    involved in an affair.
    
    -Lynn
    

    
    I would want to know if my spouse was cheating. But yourself in the
    position of th wife or husband that does not know. 
    
    I guess my motto is....
    
    There is no profit in deceit.
    
    Mary
    

    Guess I'll be brave for the sake of the "other woman".
    
    Once and only once, I was unknowingly the "other woman".  I cannot tell
    you how terrible and degraded and used I felt when I found out my SO
    was married.  He lied to me from the beginning and like a fool, I
    believed him.  When his wife found out (they were really separated, but
    not legally), my life became hell, because then my SO and I were living
    together and at times she would show up on my doorstep.  I wanted to
    tell her I was sorry ...
    
    ... I never got the chance, my so had brain cancer and I nursed him
    through many surgeries.  In the end, he died at home with his wife.  I
    was devastated.  She also inherited all his money, which was
    substantial.  All I have are memories and grief, even now.  And to this
    day, when things go wrong, I think God is punishing me for loving a
    married man. 
    
    I am now, three years after his death, happily married.  My husband is
    *everything* this man was not.  He is everything to me.  I have been
    really ill and had a lot of surgeries myself, which my husband has
    stook by me steadfastly.  Unfortunately, my experience with my former
    SO has made me scared that my husband will eventually tire of me and
    get bored like my SO did.  And I would die if I didn't know he was
    having an affair.  My SO lied to his spouse about so much ... she never
    suspected.  He told me before he died that he had had three affairs
    prior to me and she never knew.  They had no children and he wanted to
    leave but didn't have the guts.  He left when he met me but I think it
    was circumstantial.  I had a nice apartment and paid the bills -- he
    helped out but not enough until he found out about the cancer.
    
    Please don't think it's the other woman's fault.  Most instances of
    infidelity I have heard of sound the same and people just say what they
    think the other person wants to hear.  Everything is lies between the
    married couple.  The other woman gets caught up in the lies and caught
    in the middle.  Not every "other woman" is innocent, but I'm sure the
    majority are.  So don't be quick to judge -- it could happen to you.
    
    Still grieving, though happily married ....
    
    Tammi

I thought that I might throw a twist in this line of thought. I was engaged to a
former "Other Woman." She met a married man at work and was decieved, thinking he
was single. After finding out that he was married, she briefly left him, only to
find that she was too deeply in love to stay away. I knew both of them during 
this time. I never told her that I was attracted to her. In a conversation, she
asked my advise on how to resolve the situation. I told her that it would be best
to leave him, because other prospective mates would notice that there is someone
in her life and would not make their feelings known. Of course, I was one of them.
I was divorced and happily single (still am). I didn't have the money that
he had, but was more easy going and certainly more honest and caring. 

She finally left him and during a visit to help her with repairs to her home, we
started a love affair. A few months later we announced that we were to be married
the next spring. Gail seemed to be over George, but I know he still kept in touch.
I trusted her as I would anyone that I knew truly loved me. Over the next couple
of months we had some wonderful times, and apparently so did George. I will spare
you the gory details, but I discovered that she was seeing him again, and started
separating from her, which took several months, emotionally. 

The point that I am leading up to here is, that I would rather not know if the 
person I was with, was at one time or another "The other woman." I would never be
able to trust her, because of what happened to me and to a couple of other really
great men that I know. Gail, and the others, gave up chances for REAL, happy,
loving relationships, for infatuated, fast times. Think twice about what you 
really want and what you might be risking. Trust is difficult to establish and 
even harder to maintain. I now tell my SO that if she feels the need to check up
on me, tell me that is what she is doing, or tell me that I am doing suspicious 
things, so I can change my ways and make sure she is assured that I want her in my 
life. 

Brett