Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Your answer may very well be in your last sentence.
    
    Have you ever tried charting your emotional and physical conditions
    for 6 months?  There was a 28-point checklist in a health magazine
    last year for this.
    
    Different kinds of mood swings are treated with different therapies.
    For one thing, just being able to expect the mood is a big help.

    Could be possible! At these times, I'm a very moody person.  I cry over
    such little things and I get irritated at stupid things.
    
    One time, I was combing out my wet hair after a shower and I found a
    short hair on the top of my head.  My hair is long, so this short piece
    that looked like someone had sneaked during the night and snipped it
    off really scared me.
    
    I screamed as if someone had come into the bathromm with a 12 inch
    blade.  James comes running into the bathroom all bewildered, because
    there I was pulling the short piece of hair from my scalp between my
    fingers and crying.  He says what's going on.
    
    I must have looked like a total basket case.  I'm crying that I must be
    getting really old early and that my hair is falling of my head.  He's
    laughing, which causes me to accuse him of cutting my hair during the
    night.  That's when he asks me if that time of month is near.
    
    cindy

Based on the experience of myself and my friends, any mention of "that time
of the month" during "that time of the month" is fuel for instant mayhem! 
And of course I am perfectly rational at all other times....;-)

-jer

    Has anyone seen the In Living Color skit regarding this?  The one that
    ended with the lady on the other end of the phone telling the husband
    "get out of the apartment now!  jump out the window if you have to!"
    
    :")

    Dear Anon,
    
    Try vitamin B-6 100 mg. two weeks before you are due.  My gyn.
    suggested this and has worked for me.  It is definitely worth
    the try.  Good luck!
    
    Lily
    

I really don't think this is a "time of the month" issue.  She's finding
herself "constantly being irrational" and she states "what I really wanted
was him to give in"- BINGO!!

In new, young relationships we want *everything* to be perfect,
and sometimes see a perfect match as a mirror image of ourselves.  When you
date more people you learn to appreciate the differences in your mate, and
give them greater value.  Our basenoter wants her way (don't we all!), I
think she'll soon discover that she can't always have her way and *yes* 
some people will say "so what" when she threatens to take her toys and
go home!

Why do you do this- I'd have to guess you're young and don't know better yet.
He's putting up with it because he doesn't know better either.  Can you
continue this relationship and live happily ever after?  I don't think so,
one of you, probably he will be talking with friends and realize that not
all girls get their way and treat people the way you do. Since you're realizing 
it now, I'd say your going through a learning period (not a biological one!)

Good luck and remember to treat others the way *you* want to be treated,

    ONe suggestion...
    
    
    From a group I used to attend...
    
    When you feel the lose of control, state it, "I'm sorry, I'm becoming 
    emotional about this issue, can we put off the discussion until I can
    approach it more rationally."
    
    Go for a walk, 30 minutes is usually enough, find somthing physical!  
    
    This does more then you realize, it helps to absorbe the adrenalin 
    that tends to be released into the blood stream.  Not only will it 
    help bring you back under control, it will also make it more difficult 
    for you to lose control as you persue the discussion.  
    
    It takes some getting used to, but if you try, evenutally you'll train
    yourself to handle the situation in that manner.  It works for me.
    
    I'm male, and have had a nasty temper in the past, I've gotten where 
    when an issue arises that causes me to become angery or upset to the 
    point that I feel myself losing control... I go for a walk, a brisk 
    hard walk... usually for a MINIMUM of 30 minutes sometimes longer if 
    I don't feel myself back in control after that.  
    
    It's amazing what you can accomplish afterwards.
    
    Skip

    
    Sometimes I get irrational or unruly in relationship as a way of
    creating distance.  A relationship can be very wonderful, and you can
    love someone a great deal, but I find that I'm uncomfortable asking for
    space because I'm afraid they'll interpret that as "I don't want to be
    with you."
    
    Distance is natural for people to desire. 
    
    Sometimes, if I find myself arguing with someone repeatedly, it's a
    sign there's something under it.  Do we not want to be as intimate or
    close as we are?  Is there a power issue underneath the little things
    we're fighting over?  Is there some need that's not being met or
    acknoweldged?
    
    Is counseling an option - however brief?
    
    -Jody
    

This is an update from the anonymous author of the base note.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi

Thanks for the responses so far - I will try the vitamins, but I think
I have to agree with the "childish" theory more - even though its hard
to admit.

I am not young - I am 29!

I am very loath to go to counselling - firstly because I think if we/I need
counselling at this stage in our relationship then its doomed anyway and
secondly cos I got a bit of counselling with my ex when he was going for
alcohol problems, and my experience was not positive.

I have noticed that these irrational rows take place more often over the
phone - we're not as bad when we are together.

I have also noticed that I'm not the only one who acts irrationally - we
had a row last week, and his response to my anger was to throw a tantrum
(much like the ones I've been having) - very sobering to be on the other
side of this - and I think he did it for this reason!.

Just as we appear to be getting close to making a commitment the rows
start... I think he's as tense as me..

put two tense Gemini's together and I guess you can expect some fireworks!

Next month he will finish his course and we should have a lot more time
together - at the moment I only see him at weekends and one night a week.
Friday nights he goes out with the lads and he studies ALL day Sun (usually 
till about 11pm).  So a lot of our rows are about time together.

I'm feeling much better about our relationship today than I was when I wrote
the last note...  so lets see what happens when we get more time together -
I guess it'll make or break it?


Anon

    Just a quick comment about 'counseling'
    
    This may start a rat-hole too I dunno... don't care actually....
    
    Somewhere along the line people have gotten the concept that when they 
    go for counseling, whomever they get as  a counselor/psychologist/
    psychiatrist/Social Worker, etc., are the absolute authority on how the 
    situation is to be handled, if they practice some form of therapy that 
    results in a bad experience, then that's it, the experience was bad, 
    therefore all counseling and associated practices are bad.  
    
    This isn't true.  Something I've brought up before in the past.  IF 
    you are having a bad experience with a counselor, if they are not
    helping you, are not addressing the problems you are having, are not 
    treating the problems in a method that makes you feel 'right' for
    goodness sake, go out and get a NEW one!  As with medical problems, the 
    diagnoses of a problem with a doctor is not necessarily correct,
    sometimes one docotr has a better method for treating a particular
    ailment then another, sometimes one method of treatment is better then
    another and sometimes there are things on a personality level that
    prevent treatment from taking.  If you aren't satisfied with the
    results a MD gets with a problem, do you chuck all doctors out the
    window and stop getting medical attention?  Or do you go out and find 
    another MD to handle the situation?  It's the same with psychologoical 
    disorders and problems, just cause one doctor didn't work doesn't mean
    you should go out and treat your problem yourself, go look for another 
    doctor, look for a different type of doctor but don't be afraid to
    look.
    
    If I'd given up on them back when the first psychologist said I had
    'cured' my problems and didn't, I'd never have found the tumor that had 
    been causing me problems.  I'd have probably ended up dead or close to 
    it.  Instead, I kept looking until one found the problem diagnosed it,
    and found suitable treatment for me.  
    
    Skip 

    
    .10...Strong agreement!
    
    Before working for DEC, I was a clinical social worker and felt
    it a duty is tell my clients that if my service is not satisfactory,
    for any reason, they must let me know and we would search for another
    therapist.  You have no idea what a relief it is to know you are not
    going to "cure" all your clients (actually people "cure" themselves,
    a therapist helps people find the tools to initiate the cure) problems,
    that all your clients do not have to "like" you or your approaches and
    that each party has a right and obligation to dissolve the "mismatch".
    
    Therapist are humans too.....}-)!