| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 1254.1 | | MR4DEC::LSIGEL | That was just a dream | Wed Apr 29 1992 16:52 | 17 |
| Hello,
The person who tells you that you were asking for it is not worth a
dime, he sounds super insensative. Show him the door. What happened to
you is very traumatic and he should have handled it on a sesative
manner instead of saying things to hurt. By going to trial hopefully
something will be done to put that man behind bars where he belongs.
You are seeing a nice guy, go for it, it seems like you have a solid
relationship to start since you have been freinds with this man for a
while, and with someone to care about , the hurt wont be as great.
Best of luck!
Lynne
|
| 1254.2 | Good for YOU!!!!! | MJBOOT::TEMPSEC | | Wed Apr 29 1992 17:22 | 31 |
| First> It's hard enough to go through everything that you are without
standing by and accepting someone else's flack concerning it. About
your boyfriend at the time, you could spend lots of time and rational
energy attempting to interpret his motives for saying what he did BUT
as far as I can tell you are NOT HIS court appointed interpretter of
feelings? Capice? Again, interpretting his responses is not your
problem. (Your reaction was right on target--Good Bye and Good
Riddance.)**
Second> It's always easier to run and hide than to be open and honest.
I am proud to hear that you are going to testify. It is the only way
the American justice system will ever work, even though it is a second
assault of a kind for you.
**As a side note, his behavior bears the markings of classic denial.
The logic goes something like this: If someone I care about was
attacked, she must have deserved it, otherwise, I will have to realize
that the world can be cruel and that myself, as a good person, will
also be open to attack.
**Another secratary believes in her humble opinion: He cared for you
and believed that he would always be there to protect you. In this
case however he was unable to do this so he blamed you. This enabled
him to relieve himself of his own guilt. (Take this with a grain of
salt, I am no Freud!!)
Hope everything works out for the best!!
Marie & psuedo-Freud.
|
| 1254.3 | | SCAACT::AINSLEY | Less than 150 kts. is TOO slow | Wed Apr 29 1992 18:22 | 6 |
| Is there some sort of victims assistance/rights group in your town? They
should be able to help you through this very trying time.
Remember, YOU are the victim. YOU did nothing wrong.
Bob
|
| 1254.4 | | HYDRA::HEATHER | Warrior of the Heart | Wed Apr 29 1992 18:44 | 11 |
| You are *not* at *fault*! You did nothing to deserve what happened
to you, and anyone who would tell you otherwise is insensitive at best.
I'm glad you are going to testify, and that the person was caught.
That may help very much with closure for you in this trying time.
I'm also glad to hear you seem to have found someone who will be
supportive to you though all of this. See if you can find a victim's
assistance group as well, see if they can point you towards some
recovery groups, they can prove to be very helpful. Take care.
bright blessings,
-HA
|
| 1254.5 | | MPO::ROBINSON | You have HOW MANY cats??!! | Thu Apr 30 1992 10:06 | 4 |
|
It also sounded to me like he's acting out his insecurity
about not having been there to protect you. That does not
excuse his behavior and I'm glad you dumped him.
|
| 1254.6 | Understanding. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | This time forever! | Thu Apr 30 1992 12:21 | 29 |
|
Re - anonymous basenoter,
Sounds as if the man you were dating is quite the old fashioned
thinker. He probably is of the ilk that believe if a woman is wearing
flattering clothing, then "she's asking for it". Obviously, he *is*
of the ilk that if a woman is even "out" instead of working somewhere,
then "she's asking for it".
Projecting here a bit, he probably also believes that children are
their "parent's property" and need to have "the devil beaten out of
them at an early age" for them to grow up "properly".
You did yourself a service to dump him. He sounds like he most
certainly *could* be capable of causing you much more pain than he has
already, given a choice made to stay with him. I'm sorry to hear
about what happened to you.
I'd just let what he said to you go. Maybe you can shake it
by understanding that it was the product of a very sick kind of
thinking, one that is substantially beneath what is almost general
knowledge in this day and age and that the man who spoke the words
is quite possibly a very emotionally sick person. Though he probably
doesnt think so, I think there's a very good chance he needs help
for his condition.
I Hope this helps. Good luck with going through your testimony!
Joe
|
| 1254.7 | | CSLALL::DOUGHERTY | So much for dreams... | Thu Apr 30 1992 12:54 | 13 |
| Just out of curiosity...was the guy with no sympathy dropped on his
head when he was a baby?? Forget what he said hun...it's not worth the
effort of getting upset over.
Testifying can be scary...but do it. Don't let this jerks lawyer
rattle your cage. Tell it like it was. As was said earlier - YOU are
the victim - not the @$$#&!^ who did it to you. You have the chance to
put this guy behind bars... I went through something similar...and
worse. If you want details, mail me. Just remember - you really will
be okay...life will eventually return to normal...just hang in there.
Lynne
|
| 1254.8 | | RANGER::CANNOY | Perpendicular to everything. | Thu Apr 30 1992 15:02 | 4 |
| There are some notes in an earlier versionof WOMANNOTES which talk
about testifying against various attackers. You might want to read that
to understand that there are other people who've been through this and
who could possibly lend an ear and offer support.
|
| 1254.9 | | YOSMTE::SCARBERRY_CI | | Thu Apr 30 1992 16:26 | 3 |
| ditto what everyone else said!!
cindy
|
| 1254.10 | just a suggestion | EARRTH::MACKINNON | | Fri May 01 1992 09:35 | 17 |
|
First off, congrats for taking a stand. The courage you have
shown merely by writing in here and by pressing charges shows
a true character in you. I agree with everyone eles in here.
Ignore your ex's remark. Do what you need to do for You!!
One suggestion on testifying. It may be helpful if you take
some time before the trial and sit in on a similar case
preferably with the lawyer you have and if possible with the
lawyer for the attacker. It will get you a little bit familiar
with the process and what you might be in for. Even just getting
yourself familiar with the courtroom may ease some fears and
help you concentrate on what you need to do. I hope all goes
well for you!
Michele
|
| 1254.11 | Another noter who cares about you... | STRATA::PHILLIPS | Music of the spheres. | Fri May 01 1992 09:56 | 13 |
| Re. basenote
I salute you for your courage in standing up for your rights; I hope
your appearance in court goes well. My prayers are with you.
And the replies are correct: it is NOT your fault - someone ELSE
attacked you, and they are entirely culpable for their actions.
Be strong, and be happy today.
--Eric--
P.S. ....and a LOUD raspberry for your ex-boyfriend! ;^)
|
| 1254.12 | Moral support by the bucket full | LJOHUB::GODIN | PC Centric: The Natural Order | Fri May 01 1992 12:05 | 14 |
| This may be out of left field, but if there is a rape crisis center
near you, you might be able to talk with someone there about having
someone supportive with you in court. Even if your attack didn't
include rape, I'd think the people that staff a rape crisis center
would be sensitive to the apprehension you feel toward going to court
and might be able to offer an informed/supportive/comforting shoulder
while you go through it.
If over-the-tube moral support is helpful to you, you certainly have
mine! My thoughts will be with you on Monday. And do get back to us
afterward and let us know how you're doing, OK?
Regards,
Karen
|
| 1254.13 | Reply from anonymous author of base note | QUARK::MODERATOR | | Tue May 05 1992 19:43 | 24 |
| First of all I want to thank everyone that replied for their kind words and
encouragement, it really means a lot to me.
I still don't know when the trial is going to be, I am waiting for the D.A. to
call and let me know. I'm getting really tense about the whole thing. I am
really cared, have a million feelings doing through me.
To top it off, I need to move as my rent is going up and I can't afford it, I
will need to give away my beloved cat as I can't give him what he needs. And
then last night I had a misunderstanding with my Beau that I'm still trying to
figure out. He showed up with a girl from home (Maine) and told me that they
were friends having a few beers together...not a problem, as I have men friends
also.....It's just that they told me to meet them (my guy, her and our friend)
at my guys house only they went to our friends house instead and they told me
that I knew that....My guy told me that I worry to much. She is very pretty,
they dated before, and he never told me that she would be in town... I probably
am making too much a deal out of this but....I am just sooooooo emotionally
drained that I can't do much but cry today....
Please tell me it will get better.
Thanks
|
| 1254.14 | | CSLALL::DOUGHERTY | So much for dreams... | Wed May 06 1992 12:18 | 8 |
| I'm going through a couple of things right now that make me feel like
I'm getting kicked in the teeth....BUT...deep down, I know it'll pass
and THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
Just believe it hun...and if ya can't, believe that I believe.
Lynne
|
| 1254.15 | | SX4GTO::WELLING | | Wed May 06 1992 16:01 | 4 |
| It does and will get better. You are a survivor and will make it through this.
Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
Laura
|
| 1254.16 | | RYKO::NANCYB | client surfer | Thu May 07 1992 06:22 | 183 |
| re: .0 (anon)
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Someone pointed me to this note. I went through something
similar a long time ago...
Below are some of the things I would do with regards
to the upcoming trial, and my perspective on the situation
with your ex-:
[ps: What was true for me might not be appropriate for you.
Evaluate this in the context of your situation. Also, I am not
a lawyer, and please do not take the following as legal
advice...]
Regarding the man you were dating and his reaction -
--------------------------------------------------
> told me that it was my fault as I should not have been out
> because I was unemployed (I can't figure that one out) and that
Sounds like he believes in the "Just-World" theory:
The rationale behind this insidious delusion is that for them to
admit that it could happen to you... a "good person", _without
your being culpable_, would be to admit that it could happen to
them. It's very difficult for someone to accept this, and denial
kicks in. In a "just-world" these things don't happen. It's
rationalized that you must have done something that _caused_ this
to happen to you. Something that a normal "good person" wouldn't
do. So in their mind they are still "safe".
> The problem is that I can't seem to shake what he said to me..
> This person told me that he cared very much for me.
It also sounds like your being assaulted really changed the way
he thought of you.
The man I was in love with at the time reacted similarly. His
friends couldn't understand why he reacted the way he did either.
He wouldn't do anything physical with me at a time when I
desparately wanted to be touched and loved and reassured. A
wonderful 2 year relationship was over within a month, and I
consequently lost faith in my ability to judge character in men.
Not to mention trust. It's so weird how you think you know
someone and you don't.
Regarding the upcoming trial -
----------------------------
> The second problem is that the trial is coming up and
Have you given your deposition yet? Also, it sounds from your
description that the charges would necessitate a grand jury
hearing first; if so, has this happened? What were the charges
filed?
> I guess I just need some help understanding it all.
First, keep in mind that the prosecutor (D.A.) for your case is a
lawyer that works for The State, not for you. They have the
state's interests in mind, not necessarily yours. Be assertive
about your needs with the prosecutor.
Until the trial is over, don't talk to ANY psychologist or
counselor about what happened or what you're feeling, including
anyone from the state's victim/witness advocates office. Your
statements could be subpeonaed, and introduced as evidence. This
could look very bad in court, especially if you said negative
things about yourself to the psych. If you have already done
this, tell your prosecutor everything you have told the psych so
that s/he could prepare a response if one is needed.
Close friends can also be called to testify under oath about your
character and/or statements you've made relating to the case.
Only use the victim/witness advocate office to answer questions
about what you're going to be going through. As Karen (hi
Karen!) said, they might also provide someone to be with you
during the trial.
Next, get a copy of any statements you've made to the police that
are in your file. Try to remember anything you told the
responding police officers that didn't make it into the
statement.
Expounding on the above, write out *everything* that happened
during the assault +/- 2 hours in the exact sequence you
remember. Include *all* detail you remember... all actions and
dialog of course, but also any other sensory input you remember.
Write any specific time you are absolutely certain of next to the
event description. If you aren't absolutely certain of a specific
time, but are certain it was [time] +/- 15 minutes, or 30
minutes, include that. If not certain of this, write which part
of the day it happened (early evening, late afternoon, etc...)
A day or 2 later, review what you wrote and add any further
detail you can.
Memorize, word-for-word, what you wrote.
Memorize the order of what happened.
Recite out loud what you wrote.
Have someone play lawyer and ask you questions about the order of
when something happened relative to something else.
Consider if you might get shaken by something the defendant does
or says during the trial. Decide if you are going to look at him
when you testify (you will have to at least once during the
questioning, but beyond that...)
This may sound really strange, but the more you were injured from
the assault, the easier it will be on you in general, and in the
courtroom, especially since you are female.
I was beaten up pretty badly, needed hospitalization, and I
believe this alone resulted in the courtroom focus shifting from
"did I want it" to exactly what happened and proving who did it.
And I think I received more sympathy and understanding from the
police and everyone involved (except for my ex-) because of it.
Which can mean a lot when you're going through something like
this.
I know one woman who was raped by someone she knew and only had
red marks on her wrists as evidence. I think the mental impact
of some of her friends and most of the police, etc., not
believing her has had a much greater negative effect on her life
than the rape itself. They physical stuff is much easier to heal
from than the mental stuff anyway.
The defense lawyers will try to bring out any inconsistencies you
have in your story while trying to discredit you in any way
possible. There may be actual inconsistencies in what you
remember. Having some inconsistencies in what you remember is
actually _very_ consistent (highly correlated) with surviving a
traumatic experience. But I don't think juries know this. And
any "good" lawyer can make even the truth look inconsistent.
It's also a good idea to guess at how the defense lawyer will try
to rattle you. Think of how based on your circumstances.
Something along the lines of:
(potential [slimy] lawyer questions...)
[to discredit you]
"How could you remember [weird detail] and not [obvious
thing]?"
(if this is the case, and you can't remember something that
seem's obvious, the DA should work it into their statements that
this is a classic symptom - auditory exclusion/tunnel vision, etc
- of someone in a fight-or-flight adrenaline rush situation)
[to unnerve you]
"So how did it feel to be strangled?"
[to upset you]
"Could you demonstrate to the court how loudly you screamed?"
[to discredit you]
"I'll remind you that you are under oath...."
You respond:
"I am aware that I am under oath, just as I am aware that you are
_not_."
Will probably think of more later. I haven't had to think about
this in a while...
nancy b.
p.s.:
re: .0 (Steve Lionel)
> However, the option of responding to the author by mail through
> the moderator is not available.
---
Steve, please give her my work number, 508-486-2424. (DTN 226-)
|
| 1254.17 | Reply from anonymous author of base note | QUARK::MODERATOR | | Thu May 07 1992 09:17 | 19 |
| Another update, I just spoke with the D.A.'s office and it has been continued
yet again until the beginning of June. At that time they will decide if we go
to the Grand Jury or have a Probable cause Hearing. It is strange I want it to
get over with and then again I dread the thought of doing it.
Yesterday I saw him drive by my house slowing as he proceeded....needless to
say I am a complete basketcase at the moment. I slept about 2 minutes last
night and can't seem to hold anything down except water. Tonight there is no
way that I a am even staying in the apartment. I will go to my boyfriends
(once we make up ;-) ) or a friends...I need some sleep.. Since this
happened I have lost 18 pounds and believe me I don't need to. I'm 5'3" and am
a whopping 105.
I am looking into counseling they are supposed to be calling me back with some
info either today or tomorrow.
Thanks again for all your support, it is so nice to know that people who don't
even know me care. It is very appreciated!!!
|
| 1254.18 | | YOSMTE::SCARBERRY_CI | | Thu May 07 1992 13:27 | 7 |
| re.16
Quite nice and decent of you to enter such a fine note. I've never
been through such an experience, but if I had, I'd find your note very
human indeed!
cindy
|
| 1254.19 | | RYKO::NANCYB | client surfer | Fri May 08 1992 02:07 | 55 |
| re: .17 (anon)
> At that time they will decide if we go to the Grand Jury or
> have a Probable cause Hearing.
Hmm. I hope you go directly to the Grand Jury, since grand
juries typically indict exactly as the prosecutors request.
If it's decided to hold a Probable Cause Hearing first, this
could mean that the prosecutor is having trouble making an
airtight case against the defendant. Which means that it's
likely the charges against the defendant will be reduced.
> Yesterday I saw him drive by my house slowing as he
> proceeded....needless to say I am a complete basketcase at the
_Not good_.
If you haven't already, inform the prosecutor immediately of
this.
Staying away from your apartment is a good idea. I am glad you
are taking this seriously. The person that attacked you has a
_lot_ to lose by getting convicted. It's well known that prisons
don't protect inmates from violence by other inmates; the system
looks the other way. Despite what happened to me, there is no
satisfaction in knowing this. The violence chain is reinforced.
I think it's criminal.
Now is the time to start seriously thinking about your self-
defense measures that you need in the short and long term.
(Thinking that someone will be always be around to rescue you is
a wonderful fairy tale - as you know!.)
Short term:
----------
This will not stop him from hurting you if he wants to, but try
to get a restraining order anyway (or is there one in effect?).
This way, if he gets within x distance from you, he can be jailed
on that reason alone. But again, if he decides to try to hurt
you, a restraining order will be worthless.
See what the DA can offer you in the form of armed protection
between now and June. But this is a long shot...
Does he know where your boyfriend lives? This is the next
logical place to look for you. If so, consider staying at
another friend's house.
Do you have training in any kind of self-defense?
nancy b.
|
| 1254.20 | making something positive out of nightmare lessons... | RYKO::NANCYB | client surfer | Sun May 10 1992 05:43 | 23 |
|
> I am petrified to go and testify...
I hope what I have written doesn't worsen that... But I'm
certainly not going to say "don't be afraid."
Look at it as partly an opportunity for some healing and closure,
even though it will be a scary experience. Take pride in that
you _might_ beat some heavy odds -- I'm not sure what the odds
are in kidnapping and A&B/attempted murder, but to put it in
perspective, the chance of a rapist getting caught and convicted
is 1 in 605. You are doing something that not a lot of people
have the courage to do. Also, you have already beaten the odds in
just surviving the type of crime you experienced. I don't recall
the exact numbers, but female adults that are kidnapped usually
don't live to talk about it (at a rate much higher than robbery
or A&B or rape victims.)
Regardless of the verdict, if you survive this you can survive
anything. You will be stronger.
nancy b.
|
| 1254.21 | | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | Don't panic -- yet. | Tue May 19 1992 14:03 | 10 |
| Dear Basenoter,
Have you looked into getting a restraining order against your [alleged�]
assailant? As of yesterday in Massachusetts, violation of a restraining
order is an offense under the new anti-stalking law, with a mandatory
year in jail.
Ann B.
� We must be dutiful and legal about these things.
|
| 1254.22 | just a nit ... | RYKO::NANCYB | client surfer | Fri May 22 1992 15:19 | 19 |
| re: .21 (Ann B.)
> getting a restraining order against your [alleged�] assailant?
The term "alleged" always bugged me when I heard it used
with reference to my case before the trial. I felt like
saying, "Do these look like alleged scars?"
> � We must be dutiful and legal about these things.
But we are not in a courtroom.
I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt in notes
(similarly, I would give an anonymous basenoter who said he
was being wrongfully accused the benefit of the doubt in
any advice.)
nancy b.
|
| 1254.23 | | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | Don't panic -- yet. | Fri May 22 1992 17:45 | 5 |
| Yes. Since the person she accused is not screaming "mistaken
identity", I personally feel no qualms about using the uncompromised
"your assailant".
Ann B.
|