Conference quark::human_relations-v1

You might want to try asking this in the QUOKKA::NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS 
conference.  But though I don't have experience with this situation (I have
shared custody of my one child), my gut reaction is that it would be a terrible
thing to do to the children.  Not only are they deprived of one of their
parents but also their sibling.  I don't think kids should be treated like
a book collection, to be divided between the parents.

The most important thing in a young child's life is a sense of stability,
and the more you do to create instability, the worse off they are.

			Steve

    I have to agree with Steve.  What a miserable thing to do to children.
    This sounds like it would just heighten any feelings of insecurity
    that manifest themselves in children of divorced parents anyway.
    They may always wonder, "Did Mum/Dad love Joey better than me?"
    
    How do you decided what parent takes what child anyway?
    
    If you love your children let them stay together.
    
    What if you and your spouse died before a break-up.  Wouldn't you want
    your children to remain together?  While divorce is like death.  Its a
    lose.
    
    Katrina

    
    Boy, how quick we are to condemn..
    
    If you love your children, let them stay together...
    If you love your children, you should hold you marriage together...
    
    
    Does anybody know the circumstances around the question asked?
    Maybe you should get some facts before you start talking about how
    someone doesn't love their children.
    I happen to love both my children very much. My eldest daughter refused
    to live with her mother. She said she would rather live on the streets.
    My youngest daughter had no choice, but to do as the judge ordered. 
    Should I shove my eldest out the door and tell her she must go live with
    her mother?
    Maybe the situations are not the same, but there could be real reasons why
    the children want or should be split up.

	  Split custody (one parent being physical custodian of some
     children, the other parent being physical custodian of the others) is
     not unusual.  As with all other custody arrangements, it is ordered
     when it is believed to be in the best interests of the children.

	  All other things being equal, I personally believe that split
     custody is likely detrimental to the children.  But that split custody
     is considered in a particular case is fairly strong evidence, to me,
     that all other things are not equal.

				      Brian

    I HAVE JOINT CUSTODY AND PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF MY TWO SONS AGES 11 AND
    13. LAST YEAR MY OLDEST SON WANTED DESPERTLY TO GO LIVE WITH HIS MOTHER
    THE YOUNGER SON WANTED TO STAY. I LET THE OLDER SON GO AND HE SEEMS TO
    BE QUITE HAPPY. THE YOUNGER SON ALSO SEEMS OK ALTHOUGH THEY DO MISS
    EACH OTHER. OF COURSE THIS WAS A MUTIAL AGREEMENT BETWEEN ALL FAMILY
    MEMBERS THE COURTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

    re.5
    
    I think your note reflects the best way to do it, with all parties
    agreeing. Not as if, the parents split the kids up, but rather the kids
    had made the decision.  I have to think that kids really know what's
    better for themselves.  They seem to know what they need.  I have to
    trust them. (being that the kids don't have other problems or issues)
    
    cindy

I think that as .5's description may be OK, but what little experience I've
had with it is not positive.  When my husband's parents divorced, his mother
had custody of all 5 children.  Eventually, she gave the 2 boys to her ex and
kept the girls.  Something about not being able to handle them and no longer
wanting them.  Eventually, my husband wound up in foster care when he was
about 11, and his brother eventually moved in with a friend's family when he
reached high school.  My mother-in-law never quite had the room for her sons.

Today, the girls all get along fine.  My brother-in-law (he's the youngest)
never forgave his mother or his siblings for not rescuing him from his father,
and he is basically estranged from the family. We hear from him on holidays 
and when it is convenient.  My husband has a so-so relationship with his 
sisters, but he feels more like my family is his family than that his sisters 
are his family.  I am actually closer to his sisters than he is.  

All in all, I'd say it didn't work too well.

 'Splitting kids up' sounds too much like 'dividing the furniture', to me...

 My X and I didn't 'split our kids up'. We allowed them to choose who they
 wished to live with. We agreed on joint custody from the beginning, with my X
 having physical custody. We also agreed that should the time come that either
 or both of the kids wanted to come live with me that they could. All in all,
 when it comes to the kids, my X and I work together on doing what we 'collect-
 ively' feel is the best for them. Sometimes, it takes outside advice, but
 that's just because there are some situations that neither of us are sure what
 to do.

 Today, my oldest lives with me (happily, I might add), and my youngest still
 lives with my X. There is goodness and badness in this situation. The goodness
 is that my X and I have a very good relationship with each other, so our
 children don't have the kind of issues wrt feeling like they might be betray-
 ing one parent if they choose to go live with the other parent. The badness is
 that we live almost 2000 miles apart and the kids do have times when they
 really miss each other (needless to say that my X and I miss the child that is
 not living with us).

 I guess, like all things involving humyns, it all really depends upon the
 dynamics of the situation, and each one is different.

 �ks, �ī

    I lived thrugh this kind of "split the kids" arrangement... in my own
    childhood.  
    
    In some ways it was allright, in others it was a bad decision.
    
    My sister and brother and I were sent from California, where we lived
    with our mother, to Florida, where our father and his wife lived.  I
    was nine, and Bob and Robin were nearly eight (they are twins).  We
    were to live with dad for one year, and then were to return to
    California.
    
    After nearly two years had passed, my father asked us kids to make the
    "choice" and decide if we wanted to return.
    
    Bob and Robin decided to return to mom... though one of them really
    struggled with that decision.
    
    I remember thinking: "if I choose mom, then dad will be hurt... if I
    choose dad, then mom will be hurt.  But, I'm living 3000 miles from mom
    and I don't have to FACE her hurt..." so I chose to stay with my dad. 
    I was 13 years old then.  
    
    I have to say I liked living with my father.  But, I also liked living
    with my mother.  And, I missed my sister and brother a lot... in fact,
    when I was nearly 16 I moved back to California and we were back together.
    
    Years later, I came to resent my father for allowing us kids make that 
    choice.  I don't believe a 12 or 13 year old youngster (really, a
    child) is ABLE to make such a decision, and putting me in the position
    to do so placed a tremendous strain, and caused a lot of emotional
    stress on me... the effects of which I still feel, at my present age of
    51.
    
    I know my dad and mom were trying to do what was the "right" thing...
    but, they missed the boat, I think, in giving a child more
    responsibility than they should have.
    
    Parenting is hell, ain't it?  Y'er damned if you do and y'er damned if
    you don't.  
    
    tony

    I my case I had physical custody of both children since the divorce in
    85. My oldest son begged to go live with his mother this past year. She 
    then agreed to take him and I agreed to let him go. The younger son who 
    stayed with me did not make any comment except that he would miss his 
    brother he also misses his mother and I feel bad about that but thats 
    life and I don't know how to make things any better for any of them.
    

    re.9
    
    Thanks for entering that, as my kids are age 8 and 10, and may be faced
    with that "decision".  But now after seeing your comments, I just don't
    know.
    
    Would you think it better that DAD and I chose that both kids spend 1
    year there, 1 year here; or school year here, summer there?  Do you
    respect your parents for their decision in letting you make the
    decision?
    
    What if you're faced with making decision for your own kids, if that
    were a case to present itself?
    
    It's a coincidence that your Mother was in CA and your Dad in FL., as I
    am in CA and their Dad will be in GA.  A lot of miles between us.  I
    can see the hardship in that.  It would probably be better for both
    parents to be near enough so that the kids wouldn't have to feel so far
    away from one another.
    
    But as others have noted, it's a tough life sometimes.  I just want to
    say again that I appreciate your sharing your comments.  It does give
    me a different perspective.
    
    cindy