| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 1207.1 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | Dragon Slaying...No Waiting! | Tue Oct 08 1991 14:13 | 35 |
| Well,
Being as how I'm in my 30's (35 almost 36) been married widowed married
divorced and currently in a strong relationship with someone....
First, dating is a drag. I hate it, but for some reason, there's a
need to find that special someone to share life with. Finding them
isn't easy and there aren't any clear cut answers as to where to look.
Best advice I can give on THAT subject is to keep all your avenues
open. Don't write off the ones you've been using. ANd don't be afraid
to explore new ones. Such as taking classes in a subject that
interests you. Letting friends know you're available if they know
someone, even getting to know someone in a notes file of interest to
you. Don't be afraid to talk to a stranger, worse they can say is
"sorry I'm not interested."
AS for the social pressure, I've had my share, 'WHy aren't you married
yet? Are you seeing anyone right now? What is your problem?' I've
heard them. Usually I tell them that in this day and age, and with the
experiences I've had in the past, I've learned to be VERY careful about
who I get involved with, and if I should marry again (I'm not against
the idea mind you). That I want to be sure that it's going to last.
Sometimes, I tell 'them' that there's nothing wrong with me, I just
refuse to settle for anything less then the PERFECT mate and to be
certain that I have the perfect person takes a long time. In other
words I'm choosey.
Still, keep in mind that social pressure does not mean you have to
conform to what other's think is correct. You have your own criteria
for what the "right" woman should be, if you havn't found her yet, then
that means you havn't found her... that's all it means. If other's
can't understand that, then it's actually a problem on their part, not
yours.
Skip
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| 1207.2 | | SRATGA::SCARBERRY_CI | | Tue Oct 08 1991 16:11 | 28 |
| Are you wanting to be married or feeling rather that you should
be married. On one hand, you attribute your desire to meet a mate
to the societial pressures but on the other you speak of advantages
of marriage. Does this come across to your potential dates?
If you have an objective of meeting a mate, then your best prospects
are also ones that wish the same and are seeking that objective
as well.
I've thought it wierd to actively seek a mate. I had thought that
love just finds you. But, I've found that this not always true.
Especially after having been a videographer for a dating service
and having been able to speak to over 600 daters. Some people treat
mate-seeking very seriousily.
I guess you could approach this whole matter as a matter of fact
or more romantically and simply not shop but go out dancing and
wait for lust to set in and mistake it for love. The institution
of marriage is a very different life or philosophy to me these days.
I weigh the benefits and the cons. Marriage really is an arrangement
that in order to survive takes some real open eyes.
What's your purpose? By the way, there ain't a thing wrong with
remaining single or not marrying until later in life. If that's
what you choose. However, by inviting someone to attend an affair
and if you're expecting intimate rewards then your best bet seems
to be a marriage partner. Otherwise, I'd suspect a rather shallow
existense.
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| 1207.3 | | CSC32::S_HALL | Wollomanakabeesai ! | Wed Oct 09 1991 11:06 | 13 |
|
Well, like I told a buddy of mine who despaired of finding
someone to sail his sailboat with:
"If you want to find a sailor-lady, go join the Rudder Club!"
Just go where you like to go.... There's always someone
there with a common interest !
Of course, I say that, but then I met my wife while looking
out of my apartment window one morning !
Steve H
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| 1207.4 | I can relate | GRANPA::TTAYLOR | fortress around my heart | Wed Oct 09 1991 13:42 | 43 |
| Boy, can I relate. As a non-drinking female who doesn't hang out at
bars, and heading towards 30 with no forseeable marriage in sight!!
I'm currently dating a few guys. It seems the older I get, the more
set in my ways and selective I become. Like you, the ones I am
attracted to invariably are attracted to me for the wrong reasons or
there is something I cannot accept about them (for various reasons)
that make me realize I could not make a long term commitment with that
person. And the ones who are chasing me like crazy who fall hard and
fast for me I'm simply not interested in -- mostly because there is no
"chemistry".
I've met the three guys I'm seeing in various ways. One at a party,
one at orientation at the hospital I volunteer at, and one through
friends. I don't feel any pressure right now to go beyond kissing at
the doorstep and don't want to make a choice between the three at this
point because I have a history of getting seriously involved too
quickly and making unwise choices in the men I date (mostly they end up
having drug/alcohol/commitment problems). This time I can cut through
the BS and the games because I gave myself a year off from dating
ANYONE and concentrated on myself and what I want. And I see much more
clearly now as a result and no longer revolve my life around the
boyfriends ....
I'm probably the happiest I've been in a long time as a result of
taking my time and not worrying about whether I'll be married with
children in a few years. I always felt so much pressure from the
family and even friends for not being married. Well, things have not
worked out. And I have accepted that, and now so does my family and
friends. I just take it one day at a time.
Anyway, my suggestion to you is make new friends or go out more with
your friends. Get involved in volunteer work - I've met lots of guys
through NIH (the hospital I tutor at). Also, I still go to school at
night and have had many dates with classmates. Also I've made new
female friends through school as well. I stopped hibernating and have
fun without alcohol and bars and nightclubs!
Tammi
(who lives in Washington DC where the ratio of women to men is like 3-1
and there's TONS of gorgeous, intelligent and upwardly mobile female
competition)
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| 1207.5 | me too... | CSCMA::OSTROWSKI | Animal Farm | Thu Oct 10 1991 11:31 | 31 |
|
I can really relate to what you are saying. I am in my late 20's and
divorced. I HATE dating, but still do it because I don't want to
become a hermit or anything ;^)
I have not met anyone in a long time that I really want any serious
involvement with. It's so weird...sometimes when I am getting ready
for a date that I am not really psyched about, I really have to force
myself to get ready. I feel like I would rather stay home and rent
a movie and just be by myself.
I have met quite a few men who are interested in a serious relationship
with me, there just is never any chemistry for me. Ahhh human
nature... we never want what's within our grasp...only what we cannot
have.
I would like to get married again someday and have a child. It does
scare me a little that that might not happen. However, I have decided
not to waste time and energy worrying about it. I am taking control of
only that which I have the ability to control...myself. I am going
back to school to study art, and just concentrate on me.
This will sound very cliche, but I think you to tend to find that
special someone when you least expect it.
Carp� Diem,
Mary�
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| 1207.6 | y | COMET::COSTA | Go fast, turn left | Fri Oct 11 1991 11:16 | 7 |
|
Gee, I feel kind of weird compared to most. I actually enjoy dating
and the variety of people I can meet now that I'm single again.
TC
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| 1207.7 | | XCUSME::HOGGE | Dragon Slaying......No Waiting! | Fri Oct 11 1991 12:36 | 18 |
| TC,
Don't feel wierd, I felt that way the first time around, but eventually
it got old. I hope that doesn't happen to you. With me, it's the fact
that I've been widowed and divorced and engaged and single one time too
many to enjoy it as much as I once did. I just want to settle down and
not have to worry about asking the girl across the floor to dance, or
wonder what's going through the mind of a girl I meet for the first
time.
It appears that I may be at that point now, I've found someone that
cares very much about me and whom I care for just as much (if not more)
But, with my past, I've had to learn that what you feel and think is
right now may not be that way in a year or so. Still, I have something
wonderful and I'm gong to enjoy it to the fullest until it isn't
wonderful anymore.
SKip
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| 1207.8 | | TNPUBS::C_MILLER | | Fri Oct 11 1991 14:26 | 18 |
| Bravo to :4,5 !!! Yes, Yes, Yes!! I have dated my brains out for the
past 5 years and am soooooooooooooo tired of weeding out the toads that
have reached the point that the only reason why I have been so anxious
and unsettled about being single is due to family and peer pressure.
This is the first thing you have to overcome because if you don't, most
likely you'll come across as being incredibly desperate to the women
YOU are attracted to. If you just accept your lifestyle right now (and
believe me, I think A LOT more married people should have spent some
time getting to know themselves before jumping into marriage) and just
relax a little, you'll come across as more relaxed and available.
Engage in activities YOU like to do; hang around other SINGLE people;
don't just look at people you work with as potential dates. I know it
is really hard not to feel like you are left out of a special club by
not being married, the important thing is to emphasize being single and
liking it. I think then you meet more people in the same boat who have
the same goals as you. It boils down to accepting your situation and
not feeling bad, guilty, lonely, miserable, or self-conscious.
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| 1207.9 | | CUPMK::T_THEO | Gone Fission, be back (together) later. | Sat Oct 12 1991 14:25 | 34 |
|
The comments the author of .5 made in her reply reminded me of
something I've had in my "inspiration" mail folder for ages.
I'm sure it's been in here before, but I think posting it one more
time couldn't hurt... it's good reading and poignant.
Enjoy!
Tim
Taken from "Chop Wood, Carry Water" without permission from author.
Intimate Relationships
One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and his friend
were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea, and talking about life and love.
"How come you never got married, Nasruddin?" asked his friend at one
point. "Well," said Nasruddin, "to tell you the truth, I spent my youth
looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful, intelligent
woman with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad,
I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no
interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but
there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her...
She was beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had everything in
common. In fact, she was perfect."
"Well," said Nasruddin's friend, "what happened? Why didn't you marry her?"
Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. "Well," he replied, "it's a sad
thing... Seems she was looking for the perfect man."
|
| 1207.10 | It takes a lot... | MR4DEC::MAHONEY | | Fri Oct 18 1991 10:00 | 33 |
| Boy, do I like the story in .9!
It is true... how can we expect to find "the perfect" mate when there
is so much "mileage" behind us? What can "WE" offer to the "perfect
one"? a long line of "mistakes" and the purpose to make it work this
time? that might sound like a good start, but to the perfect one THAT
might not be good enough... "we" don't fit in their expectations!
I still think that LOVE find us, we cannot find love. We can find a
person compatible with us, we can think and choose with our head, but
it is very difficult that the HEART follows on what our head decides...
and living proof of this is the high percentage of failed marriages we
have everywhere we just turn to look at.
I do believe that to keep a successful marriage going it takes a lot of
sacrifices and understanding, a lot of generosity with the other half,
a lot of honesty, a lot of love, and that... is not that easy to
provide THOROUGHOUT a lifetime! we do it for a short period of time,
and then what? Why after a few years into a marriage a mate finds that
the other half is NOT as loving as when they married? it is the same
person, I guess we all change, but here comes the understanding, the
generosity, (we have to be there for the other half, we have to
understand, we have to love his/or/her when they ARE in a need to be
loved,...) there are many instances that a marriage breaks just for
that, the first problem arises and BINGO! they go different ways with
only one agreement; let's "divorce".
When we start to think and ACT towards the "other half" instead of
"ME" first, we will "receive" as well as "give" which in my opinion is
the greatest thing, it's a better life. (I might sound too old
fashioned, but I don't care) we can always try to make it just a little
bit better.
Ana
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| 1207.11 | do it fast man... | SQM::SAXENA | | Wed Oct 23 1991 14:48 | 12 |
| Get married buddy and fast.
Find a decent girl and stay married to her. There is a time for
everything in life. Time for dating & flings is over. youth won't last
for ever. This is marriage time so do it.
And take those egos/hangups( once i have won her over she no longer
interests me) and dump them in a trash can fast before it's too late.
best of luck,
vijay.
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