Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    17 years ago I was married to a man who was having 'affairs'.  I didn't
    know for a while, so was quite happy in my ignorance, however, once I
    suspected, I couldn't ignore the symptoms and found out myself who it
    was etc., etc.  My marriage lasted 2 years after that.Once I was
    divorced, some friends admitted that they had know what had been going
    on and had said nothing - how did I feel towards them - well, they are
    still my friends and I really believe that if they had tried to tell me
    what was going on, I would not have believed them at the time and I
    suspect we would no longer be friends.  Also, remember some wives do
    know what is going on and choose to ignore it.
    
    My honest opinion is - keep out of his marriage - talk to him maybe but
    not his wife - whether you stay friends with him is down to you, I know
    

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				Steve






Well, here is what I have to add to this subject.  Several years ago,
my husband passed away pretty suddenly.  Well, a year or so after that
I ran into this woman (and I use that word very loosely here) in a 
restaurant ladies room.  I kind of knew who she was and she proceeded to 
tell me she had had an affair with my husband 15 years ago.  It completely 
devastated me, I felt like smashing her one.  After she told me, she just 
said oh, I thought you knew.  Later on, I was talking to a friend about it 
and I found out just about all our friends knew but me...it only had lasted
a short time but I often wonder what she got out of it by telling me then.

My advice would not be to tell the wife, but do tell him the implications of
what could happen and ask him how he would feel if she did find out or
if it were the other way around.  Would I remain friends, probably but
I would think a lot less of him.

Been there...as it's hurts like hell 

    I tend to agree with .1.  It's good advice.  And from what I've seen,
    sooner or later the wife (or husband) will find out if the other spouse 
    continues to hae liasons with others.  Heck, even the advice experts
    such as Ann Landers tend to say the same thing.  If you know about it, 
    it's okay to talk to the person doing it, but keep your mouth shut to
    the spouse.  As far as continued friendship, it depends a lot on how
    the news effects you.  That's a choice for you to make.  Personnally it 
    would depend a lot on the type of person we are discussing and the type 
    of friendship we have as to if I'd stay their friend or not.  
    
    SKip

Since, in your scenario, both the husband and wife are friends, I would
wish that the friend hadn't told me and go into a deep state of denial.

In fact, I try to make it known that I prefer not to be told "secrets"
in cases where "keeping the secret" would hurt someone as much as "spilling
the beans".  In the aftermath, I'd much rather be "in the dark" with
the wife (no pun).

However, I suppose in this case, my friend felt he needed to talk to
someone about this situation he's gotten himself into.

Maybe .0 could tell us why he felt like talking about it.

Does he want another point of view?
Does he need acceptance (of his behavior)?
Is he bragging?

.4> Does he want another point of view?
.4> Does he need acceptance (of his behavior)?
.4> Is he bragging?

Understand that Bill and I are as close as brothers - with everything
in life we've confided in each other.  We trust each other.

This actually happened .. oh ... five years or more ago.  I still
consider Bill to be my best friend, but, we've really "drifted" since
I left Texas (Texas to Cow Hampshire to California all in less than
three years) and lost contact....

Basically, we were sitting in a bar commenting on the ladies, we were
drinking (well, we were actually stone cold stinkin' drunk) but later
that morning when we sobered up ... *I* questioned him as to whether or
not it was the liquor talking or him talking.  He basically said that
we've shared nearly everything since high school and he didn't feel as
though this was any different ... he just didn't know how I would
react .. 

Hope that helps.

Bubba

    I would really want to know.  You say that Sue would "have a truly
    wonderful life in her future" if she leaves things as they are.  You
    don't know that.  Nobody knows that.  I question how long  one can have a
    "truly wonderful life" built on false premises, perception rather than
    reality.
    
    aq
    

    To Whom It May Concern:
    . . . You shall know the truth, it shall set you free.
    
    The present filled with pain is always preferrable to the future filled
    with deceit.