Conference quark::human_relations-v1

1191.0. "Need helpfull advice..." by CORREO::SALTARES_E () Thu Aug 08 1991 10:05

    
    Hi, 
    
     I just wanted to express what I am going thrue in a matter of 
    getting things out of me to make me feel better. I will start
    giving my life story in order so every noter could see a more
    clear perspective of this situation. About 13 years ago I had
    to get married by the minor court, because for a period of a
    2 years I was having sexual relations with a girl. I was 16 yrs
    of age and she was 15. She became pregnant at age 17 and when
    I become 18yrs of age the minor court ordered me to get married
    or go to jail. Her mother legally took me to court, to make me 
    respond for her daughter. I was going to be responsible for our
    baby but at that time I wasnt mature, or ready to have a marriage.
    We just was having a passion sexual interest and I didnt belive 
    there was true love. That was the reason for me not wanting to 
    get married. When we got married I thought things over. I thought
    well why dont give it a try, theres is a baby thats going to come
    to this world. Lets try to live a marriage life and see if things 
    work out.
    
     I decided to go to the army after I graduated from high school.
    Things didnt work out like Ive expected. Instead of having a 
    normal marraige life we become to have a lot of problems. Is not 
    that I want to blame my wife, is that you like an individual, need
    some things that will make you happy in life as a marital relation-
    ship. I expected like any individual to receive love, support, and
    respect from your wife. But if theres no love yo cannot give love.
    My wife has a dominant caracter, I am more tranquil. I started to 
    keep things inside me, and I satarted to develop hate. Because I
    was hurted so many times. So 8 yrs ago I said I was tired to put 
    up with this any longer. In a not mature way and a negative way 
    I reveled against my wife, the church where I was going. I started
    drinking alchool, going out with diferent womans. The church pastor
    tried to help me but I was so upset and tired of my situation that
    I didnt want any help from nobody. I wanted to leave my home, I was 
    very angry, with hate in my heart. 
    
     So I sat down with my wife and told her everything that was inside
    me, and we give ourselfs a another opportunity to save our marriage.
    It all become to change and everything seemed that was getteing better.
    But for the last three years thing came back to it was at the begining.
    I didnt react like i did before. I sat down with my wife and talk. I
    ask her what is happening with us. She said that she got to the con-
    clusion that we dont love each other. So we decided to live a couple
    of months separated to find ourselfs and see in ourselfs if we really
    love each other. She decided to go to her moms, I decided to stay at
    the house for work convenience. She was suppoesed to leave the next
    morning but she didnt. I didnt say anything but the next day I ask her
    why she didnt leave and she said that she thought things over and she
    looked in side of her self and she said she loved me. I told her that
    wasnt a two day conclusion that we needed to be alone to see, really 
    if we love oueselves because we are not living a happy marriage. 
    We become having a discussion  and she concluded that or I had a
    affair or I never did love her. Shen started to make a big show, saying
    that she didnt want to live ect, ect. 
    
     The next day she locked herself in the bathroom and the kids got
    scared so they started to call the neighboors, the church members,
    all the city, and finally they called me. So this came out of control.
    So everybody looks at me like the bad husband. Her in Puerto Rico one
    of the problems her that everybody likes to live everybodies life.
    Finally my wife started to call the church members and telling them 
    I wanted to get a divorce because I had another woman. Everybody in my
    town sees me like a adulterer. Even her mother also called everybody.
    She also said she wasnt going to give me the divorce. 
    
     I finally went to a lawyer to process my divorce for cruelty. Know 
    she called me yesterday to give me the divorce as mutual consentment. 
    I am glad it come this way. Because we dont have to go thrue a court
    process that was going to be hard on each other.
    
     But what really bothers me is after all she had done to me, like
    putting my moral and integrity in the mud, and after she distroys 
    my reputation and the reputation of one of the females in church. 
    she leaves with her hads clean and I get all the trash from everybody.
    They spelled me of my church positions, dirty my person and I have
    to cary all the guilt. Sometimes when you need a helping hand, there
    is nobody that will extend it. Life sometimes is cruel. 
    
     Then, how I could start a knew relationship with somebody else? Theres
    going to be eyes out there looking, not to help but to destroy. Then
    how in this life, if you have the right to start a knew life and be
    happy your going to be happy? What should I do?  
    
    Sicerly,
    Edgar 

    Whatever you go through right now it's going to be difficult.
    It doesn't sound like you were to happy in the marriage. It
    sounds like your wife wants to destroy you. It is probably better
    if you go and get yourself a very good lawyer. Get the divorce.
    The only way out is through. Lots of people have gone through
    very bad experiences and have gone on with their lives. Right
    now is not the time for you to be thinking about starting off
    with someone else. It wouldn't be fair for them. Solve your
    problems first. Pick-up whatever peices from your shattered
    life. Try to move away from the hatred feelings you have inside.
    Find someone that you feel safe with and can trust and talk about
    your feelings.

    I am sorry for you... sex came too early into your life and messed it 
    up quite a bit, I hope you do the best you can and continue being a
    good father and a good husband.  I wish you lots of luck. Hang on
    there.
    

    Have you approached and talked with your church's Minister?  Talking
    with him, explaining the truth of the situation and exactly how you
    feel, he may be able to advise you on how to handle the situation and 
    even make suggestions to others that perhaps, they have judged you
    unfairly.  Point out to him that one of the greatests gifts that
    religion has is the ability to FORGIVE a person when they need to be 
    forgiven.  His words could carry the weight to your friends and
    neighbors that your words can't.  
    
    I think that it is a real shame that a bunch of church going bible
    reading people can so easily forget the things preached by 
    Prophets, Saints, and Christ.  I'm a religious man myself, but it
    is because of the continual run in with this type of Hypocrisy that I 
    stopped going to church.  
    
    Skip

    FWIW Skip, by definition, church Is where you will find the hypocrits.

    Jim,
    
    You'll find hypocrits (sp?) most every where, churches don't
    have a monopoly on them.
    
    Bonnie

    Jim,
    
    True, however, a minister/priest/rabbi/preacher etc. as an obligation 
    to the flock and can influence many people.  These people seem to have
    misjudged a situation and it looks like they respect the word of God,
    as administered by the Priest or Minister.  Therefore, it seems that 
    if he is serious about his job, he will do the right thing and point
    out some facts to the people.  
    
    In fact many theologins have degress or at least taken classes in
    psychology as a tool for directing the church and it's goals.  It's
    quiet possible that his priest/minister has the knowledge to help 
    direct opinions, and further, get the facts straight before the people.
    
    Besides, if the priest/minister refuses to help, then to me, he isn't
    doing his job.  Thats just one portion of his position in the church.
    
    Keep in mind that we seem to be dealing with a group of people who go
    to church on a regular basis and have it as an influence in there
    lives.
    
    I personally don't go to church, too many bad experiences and wrongly 
    explained explanations to a curious mind.  Both as a child and an
    adult.  But that doesn't mean I don't pray or read the bible or have
    my own religous beliefs.  I'm agnostic not athiest (sp?) 
    
    Skip

    re .5
    No Bonnie, churches don't have a monopoly on hypocrisy, but they do
    have the majority.
    
    Karen

    I think hypocrisy gets an overly bad rap. There are many (many, many)
    behaviors which I applaud but do not execute. It is STILL useful for me
    to advocate them, because they are good behaviors. If I give them
    enough lip-service, then maybe I'll talk MYSELF into doing them, as
    well as others. So I think hypocrisy is OK.
    
    Therefore, when I'm hypocritical, ...

    
    
    Hi, 
     
     Thank you for all the helpfull advice. I'am divorced and I fill like 
    a heavy load has come off my back. I'am very possitive in starting a
    new life. This has been a great experince and Ive learned a lot from it.
    It seems that a lot of the church members in a church are narow minded,
    and dont have the matureness and the experience to help others when they
    are going thrue this kind of experiences. I had a lot of support from 
    non-church members, that from the church. But these are things that
    some times you are experinced with. It tought me that when I see some-
    body going thrue problems I should extend my helping hand and not to 
    judge or hurt but to construct, and give them a helpfull advice.
    Probably for some people a divorce isnt right. But I belive I did the 
    right thing and dont fill a shame of what I have decided. I think this 
    world would be better if we instead of distroying other peoples lifes
    we tried to help each other. Thank again for all your help.
    
    Regards,
    Edgar

    Edgar,
    I wish more people had your philosophy.  I really do.
    
    Karen