Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I don't ever use the word "hate" on people.  
    I just cann't "hate" people, I just dissagree with others' opinions... 
    never to the point of hating anybody because of that. If I don't like a 
    person, I just forget all about that person, that's all, and whatever 
    she/he does, it doesn't affect me at all. 
    
    To answer your questions... Yes, I think it is a dangerous word that
    breeds very nagative reactions.

    re: .1 
    
         Well, if one truly *hates* something, it does no good 
    at all to deny it.  Suppressing, repressing, depressing, emotions
    is a sure-fire way to eventually explode.  If one truly *hates*,
    then the wise thing to do is to find an appropriate way to release
    that anger/rage and at the time to really source it:  that is,
    to discover the underlying reasons for the emotion.  That hate
    is most likely going to be a reflection of something within...some
    hate that the person has towards oneself.
         Forbidding the word, attempting to deny someone else their
    emotions, is absolutely counterproductive.  That simple anger 
    can sour and putrify and can build massive resentments.  Eventually
    these resentments will be far more damaging than the original
    "hate."
         Our society denies us our emotions...our society insists on
    allowing only sanitized, vanilla emotions.  Anger is always deemed
    wrong (except, perhaps, when a just crusade/scapegoat is found.)
    Fear is seemingly always patronized.  Sadness is seen as weakness.
    Jealousy is seen as insanity.  On and on...
        We are human beings...as such we have a wide variety of emotions
    available to us.  None of them can therefore be labeled "wrong."
    What is helpful, however, is to realize that if that emotion is 
    held back somehow, that damage can result (this, by the way, includes
    commonly held as positive emotions, such as love, happiness, etc.)
    Similarly, spending energy and time on an emotion can be destructive.
    Spending too much time on anger can definitely lead to resentments,
    larger angers, incapacitation, etc.  So the trick then becomes one
    in which we both allow the emotion but learn to release it quickly.
    If something is recurring, then there is probably a root somewhere
    that can be ferreted out.
         As for the language, that's perhaps a game...language can play
    with us.  It might be useful to point out the limitations of using
    certain language, and to demonstrate what the impact of words can
    be, and maybe it can become important to make the language more
    productive, but care should be taken not to confuse the language
    with the emotions, I think.
    
    
    Frederick
    

    re.2
    I find a lot of truth in your comments! that I hadn't considered
    and perhaps confused.

    
    
    I don't think that is is wrong to hate. 
    
    I HATE child molesters.
    I HATE people who selfishly cause others pain and DON'T CARE.
    I HATE SADDAM HUSSEIN for what he did to his own people and what he
    tried to do to the rest of the world and ESPECIALLY FOR THE OIL WELL
    FIRES AND HAVING NO REGARD FOR THE EARTH AND DUMPING OIL INTO THE GULF..
    (I REALLY HATE HIM....)
    I HATE overtaxing.
    
    
    I don't think that I'm a hate monger....or an abnormal person. 
    Hate IS one of our many emotions. Suppressing it is artificial, in
    my opinion. 
    We have a continuos battle with ourselves because we do not meet our
    expectations of what human beings SHOULD be like (In a perfect world). 
    Humans are NOT perfect. Evolution may change that, but it won't happen
    overnight. 
    
    cathy
    

    I have my own feelings about hate both as an emotion and as a word.
    
    It's okay to hate an inanamite object.  And state it as such, (after
    all I HATE califlower).  But, when I go to use the word Hate on a
    person, I stop and think about how I felt the first time my son got
    angry with me and said "I Hate You!".  That took me back a bit and made 
    me start thinking about things... You see, more often then not we
    mistake the things that ANGER us (as in the previous reply) for things 
    we hate, because they continually Anger us when they are brought up,
    thought of, or otherwise recognized as something that exists.  I've
    learned to say "I don't like....." instead of hate when I refer to a 
    person... and a  person who is a cause of a situation (like those
    people mentioned in the previous reply) will ANGER me.  But it wasn't
    until my son told me he "hated" me that I came to realize how often
    folks get hate and anger confused.... 
    
    Now before I get flammed, I don't mean that Cathy doesn't know what
    she's talking about or hasn't got a right to say what she said.  It's 
    all a matter of definitions and how she chooses to perceive things as
    opposed to how I choose to see things....
    
    In otherwords,  The preceeding paragraphs are ONLY my opinion, and how
    I choose to look at things.
    
    Skip

Normally, Fred, I agree with your thoughts.  On this one I have to
disagree.

Many years ago I was taught by an extremely wise "person" that to use
the word "hate" is to invoke the feeling.  And the feeling is very negative.
He counselled us to strive for the positive, be it in action, thought, or
feeling.

By eliminating the word "hate" from my vocabulary, I discovered that I
toned down the actual feelings I had.  So now I can "dislike intensely"
but it's not as often, and not as severe.  I now have more positive thoughts
and feelings, and less negative thoughts and feelings.  Interestingly enough,
I also developed more tolerance towards others.

Yes, there are things that bother me to a great degree.  However, if I under-
stand that by invoking negative feelings I am feeding the negative energy
that exists, then I can refocus on positive, loving thoughts, and thereby
bring more positive energy into the world.

    I agree that hate is an emotion and has to be recognized and not
    surpressed.  But my thoughts when reading the basenote were on 
    how the word "hate" is used as opposed to truly hating
    someone/something.
    
    If "I hate you!" is an expression constantly being used in place
    of "I am angry with you!" then that would be a problem for me.  I
    personally could not live with someone who was telling me they 
    hate me everytime we fight.  (I am talking about adult-adult 
    conversation and not about children using "I hate you")  If my 
    husband "hated" me I could not be married to him anymore, If he 
    is angry with me, then we can work it out.  
    
    Mary

    re: .6 (::Bessant)
    
         Normally you agree with me?  Boy, could I ever use you in
    some other notesfiles!  ;-)
    
         I agree with what you stated.  Actually, that may well be
    what I would call a "greater truth."  I guess where I was trying
    to make a distinction is between being "wronged" for using a 
    word when in fact the word is accurately depicting the emotion
    being felt.  "IF" the person (child or whatever) actually feels
    hate, then that person is not going to be helped by being made
    to feel wrong for having that feeling (this is a nice little way
    of bringing on shame, by the way.)  
         Your reply seems to deal more with why the person might feel
    the hate in the first place.  And positive outlooks, positive
    mantras or affirmations, etc. certainly can do exactly as you
    stated.  It's replacing a negative with a positive.  
    
    re: .7 (Mary)
    
         Yeah, I think it would bother me, too.  That would definitely
    be a good opportunity to have some communication on impact.
    
    Frederick
    

    .6 put it very well...
       Anger is different from HATE, and can be easily confused.  Of course 
       we find situations and people who anger us (Like Saddan Husein and
       others mentioned in earlier replies) but still, they they cause
       anger to others, their stupidity is obvious, and lack of principles
       is also obvious, but, can we resolve anything by feeling HATE at
       them?  Does that emotion helps in anyway towards resolving the
       problem? I guess not... it if did... Sadam would instantly drop
       dead this very second! 
       
       I feel sad at the terrible calamities of the world, I cry when I see
       little children dying from starvation in Africa... I haven't found,
       yet, the need to explode and vent off HATE at people.
       I love people or I don't love people, but I cann't hate people,
       is anything wrong with that? Sorry folks, but the fact that I
       am Mediterranean, lived in the best climate of the world, and
       was raised within a very happy family might help to make me a bit 
       happier than the average person... I just refuse to HATE anybody! 
       As I said in my other reply, (.1) I wouldn't like to hear the word
       HATE in my house...
    
       Ana
    
       

    Everyone has made some very interesting comments.
    
    Someone had noted about "if they're spouse had told her that he
    hated her, she couldn't be married to him anylonger".  That struck
    a cord in me, 'cause I have said exactly that and felt like I meant
    it at the time.  I believe I could have committed murder at that
    time, as well as, he.  It was that word that really provoked his
    anger to a tilt that particular day.   I refrain as much as I can
    from using the word "hate you" now.

    
    
    I don't think that I have ever said "I hate you" in a fit of anger. 
    Hate is not something that is easy to provoke, and shouldn't be.
    I like to think that I reserve it for those really special people
    out there who I could watch DIE in front of my eyes and not feel
    one twinge of sympathy towards.
    Yes, that to me is what hate is. Not just "I don't like you at all
    so get out of my face". 
    
    To me, hate IS that feeling of anger, or more RAGE that I feel when
    I even hear about these people. I wish that someone would do something
    terrible to them and rid humanity of their existance. 
    You know, the feeling you get everytime you see the film footage of
    the jewish children in the concentration camps. The feeling you get
    when the news reporter tells you that the latest count in the child
    abuse is 87. When they tell you that Charles Manson might
    get out on parole. When you watch "Silence of the Lambs. 
    That is HATE. You're not angry at those day care workers for sexually
    molesting 87 5 year old boys and girls. You're not angry at Hitler for
    torturing 6 million human beings. And Charles Manson doesn't invoke
    anger in me when I see his face on the tv news every other year. 
    THIS IS HATRED AT IT'S FINEST! Go Ahead. Admit it! It doesn't make you
    any less of a person! YOU FEEL HATRED towards these slime of the earth
    creeps who WILL do the same thing all over again once society has 
    forgiven them because good humans have forgiveness in their hearts.
    
    Well, ok. SO maybe I'm all alone here! But I LIKE everybody else!!!!!
    Really!
    
    Cathy (just take a few deep breaths now and it will be allllright...!)
     

    Wow!  Cathy, I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER!   Yes, I too HATE 
    some people.  And it's usually the Sadam's + Hitler's of the world.
    And people who get pleasure from abusing others.  Sex offenders,
    child abusers..... that guy that hacked up 18.....I WANT A PUBLIC
    HANGING FOR HIM!   I HATE HIM!
    
      But I'm really a nice guy!  People who treat others the way
    they themselves want to be treated are the BEST !!!
    
    Jack
    

    Cathy... you must almost have had a heart attack!
    Take it ease, dear friend, you cannot save the world but you can
    avoid to damage your own health.
    
    (and the bad people will keep on living, the good ones too, the best
    we can do is "be the best we can" to offset the scale towards good)

    I hate a few people. I don't particularly like the way it feels,
    but there it is. Hate is like a powerful drug, it can help you
    feel strong, and in control, to be able to say "I hate X." But
    like other drugs, if you dwell on it, it will weaken you, not
    allowing you to feel other emotions. For instance, I really
    hated a woman who left me. It made me feel better to let the
    hate burn in me, knowing I was 'too good' for her, that the 
    other guy would mistreat her. After a while, that hatred got 
    to be too much. I couldn't care about other people, couldn't
    care about my own future happiness. All I wanted was for her
    to hurt. Breaking this 'addiction' was/is difficult. I am learning
    to focus, not on hatred, but on happiness. Not on her, but on
    myself. On the future. On hope. (And, hopefully, on love.)
    
    Dana

	this note's interesting to me.....on a different level.

	I know what ** I ** mean when I say "I HATE" and I try 
	very hard to only use it when I really, really feel that
	way (you know, as opposed to just being REALLY upset 
	with someone or angry or disliking rather than strong 
	HATE)......

	but how do you explain hate to a 6-7 year old ??  My son's
	started with the "I hate so-and-so" and I'm trying to
	explain to him that he may not LIKE so-and-so or it may be
	that he doesn't like what so-and-so DID, but HATE is a very
	strong word !!!!!

	So how do ** you ** (that's the general, anyone-in-this-notes-
	file "you") explain HATE to your kids ????????

    re: .15
    
         AS a little quickie, I'd say to you that you should perhaps
    attempt to distinguish between hating the person and hating what
    the person does.  Make sure they understand the differences.
    Sometimes "good" people do hateful things.  Sometimes they're
    just hateful people.  But it's important to make an effort to
    see the "good" in the person, if possible, and to not totally
    discard them, unless, of course, that's what you really want to
    do.
    
    Frederick
    

    re.15
    
    I know exactly what you're talking about.  
    
    What about if your child says: she hates herself.  And I mean a
    young child in elementary grades.  My daughter goes through short
    episodes or tantrums where she just blurts - "I hate myself" or
    "No one likes me".  It's scared me at times.  Enough now, to take
    her seriousily.

    Re.15,
    
    I've had simular experience with my son.  It sounds like you patient
    explainations are all you can do.  THe only thing I'm certain of is the 
    "cure all" my parents used on me is NOT the right answer.  As a child
    when I'd say I "HATE" someone, I'd get a reply of "Don't say that, it
    isn't nice."  No explaniations of WHY it wasn't nice.  I don't think it 
    was the correct answer because I got where I would only say it when 
    no one was around.  I have the problem with my son, and keep trying 
    different ways to explain WHAT he is saying and WHY he should conisder 
    what he is saying carefully.  Hopefully as he gets older something will
    click and he'll understand.  Until then, all I can do is hope, and keep
    trying to find a good way of explaining it.  
    
    Cindy, it sounds like your's is having a problem with her self-worth.  
    I've never heard my son say he hates himself.  ALthough as a teenager I 
    went through a stage of it.  You may want to consider a teacher parent 
    confrence about the problem for some advice.  It sounds like it could
    be a serious problem.
    
    Skip

                  <<< Note 1184.17 by SRATGA::SCARBERRY_CI >>>

>    What about if your child says: she hates herself.  And I mean a
>    young child in elementary grades.  My daughter goes through short
>    episodes or tantrums where she just blurts - "I hate myself" or
>    "No one likes me".  It's scared me at times.  Enough now, to take
>    her seriousily.

	Cindy,

	My son occasionally goes through this as well.  I try to get
	him to differentiate between hating HIMSELF and hating WHAT
	HE HAS/HAS NOT DONE.  Usually, he starts this stuff when I've
	gotten upset with him over some behavior (or lack thereof) for
	the upm-teenth time...he'll say he hates himself and I will
	re-inforce with him that I LOVE him, it's important that he
	loves himself and that if he wants to HATE something, HATE
	whatever he did/didn't do that got him into trouble and let's
	figure out how to fix it !

	Matt	"I hate me"
	me	"Why do you say you "hate" you ?"
	Matt	"Because I did....."
	me	"Then do you hate YOU or do you hate that you....?"
	Matt	"I hate that I....."
	me	"Really hate it or just don't like it very much....."
	Matt	"Don't like it because [usually, here, because 'you're
			mad at me']..."
	me	"Ok, then, I don't like it when you.....either, so
			what can we/you do to change it ?"

	He seems to be starting to understand it more and going to
	"I don't like it" more often now.  I think it's really important
	that kids understand we LOVE them no matter what, it's their
	BEHAVIOR that sometimes sends us into a tizzy !!!!

    re.19
    You're right.  I forgot about this stuff.  
    
    Thanks